Recently, both at Tassar and here, after I've talked about something, someone has come and said to me, what you said was too much, or way beyond my ability, or very discouraging. It makes me feel like I should just die, then I'll fulfill Buddhism. Maybe so, actually. Anyway, we should understand in everything that side, you know, that it's gone or disappearing, that it won't last. Anyway, I don't mean what I say to be discouraging, of course. Really, no matter how you describe Buddhism, the way is quite simple because it's just where you are, it's just beginning.

[01:24]

You know, to begin is easy. To think about some goal that's way off is just something you do with your mind. But you should be ready to be very alone and to notice when you try to get some company. thinking up a story or reminisce or something. And you should be aware of the two great deterrents of fear and grief or caring about things so that you're afraid to lose them. lamenting what you've lost or could have done or some person who's gone. And it's interesting how powerful grief is when you hear some sound in the night or something far off

[02:50]

in space. And yet it somehow isn't far off by the waterfront, it's far off in our own memory. And it brings you to something so poignant that you could almost die to retrieve it. But it's interesting if you bring back those moments which are most powerful for you, or most clear, when you were most clear, or that you remember most clearly. Usually I think it's when you forgot all about yourself and there's some freshness you feel, just green mountain or grass or blue sky or some breeze on us, some simple

[04:18]

feeling when everything seems to be in its place because we've forgotten about ourself. Forgetting about ourself, everything is born, you know, anew, like the ninth ox-herding picture. Just some branch comes into view with blossoms beginning. Anyway, it's very interesting how we get caught by grief. Partly, you know, it may be just that some wisdom has not been pounded into us. Most cultures, which

[05:25]

don't supply a large amount of comfort where each person has to be concerned with survival, have very powerful initiation ceremonies for young men and women, usually when they're in their teens, that quite strictly, you know, cut you off from childhood ideas from maternal comfort, physical comfort, or material comfort. Our father and mother, I think, usually made too much effort to supply us with physical and material comfort. And we're not the least bit realistic about, don't even want to recognize that Survival is an intimate spiritual matter.

[06:31]

Anyway, there's no answer to all of that or figuring out except to return to your own... What shall I put? Maybe just to your own. own breathing. What do you know? If you remove everything, what do you know? Well, there's some sensation of breathing. And if you really don't know anything, you'll find there's more than just sensation of breathing. There's actual touching. And your zazen can focus on that actual touching, not just counting with your mind or following your breath, but the complete touching of the air and your nose and lungs and physically in your body, everywhere.

[08:44]

And if you're not thinking about anything, you will see your breath, sometimes. It's not something you can try to do, but sometimes your breath will appear, some thing, you know. Your mind is counting, but in its, not with words, but just some visual sensation comes, and you can just notice that. Anyway, you'll feel some refreshing feeling and your skin will feel very good and you'll feel very relaxed and easy in every molecule. And some of that comes just simply from the difficulty of being in one place, of adjusting or accepting the pain of zazen, the stiffness, and not letting things get to you, not letting things get to you.

[10:13]

not letting things get to you, you'll find real freedom to come and go. I wanted to talk a little bit about some aspects of our practice. Every practice like Buddhism, Hinduism, Sufism, or Christian mysticism, has some physical activity, dance or movement or something which has to be done with great, should be done with great precision. And our eating bowls are like that. They're not something you could, you couldn't eat so well with them if you were drunk. Or if you're thinking too much, you can't eat so well with them. And you should be able to eat with them, you know, quite quietly, not banging anything, quite smoothly. And you can see exactly you're serving and eating it and chewing it.

[11:54]

And you can be exactly with your taste. And you'll see how you may be sitting quite calmly, but yet as soon as you move, physically move for the bull, thinking will start. Or as soon as you taste something, thinking will start. Or as soon as you see some, oh, that one or this one, thinking will start. So thinking, you can see how thinking is stimulated. And you can see the unreality of it, you know. We give maybe the thinking more importance than the food in the bowl or picking up the bowl. But for us practicing the Yoyogi, just picking up the bowl, And if there's thinking, not giving it too much recognition as when you have feelings about a lecture or about your sitting. It's just some feeling, you don't think. This feeling is real. It's just some feeling which has come because food was put there or because you moved

[13:27]

something from your past or your inclinations. So whatever it is, you let it come and go. And if the eating bowls and the food stimulate your thinking too much, you'll start being noisy with the eating bowls or getting mixed up in what you do next. So our eating bowls are quite useful interplay with our state of mind and physical alertness. the process of our thinking. And with serving, we're serving a little sluggishly.

[14:47]

You know, we sort of, some people mosey in and down. It should have some dispatch. The serving itself of the food should be done very carefully. But coming in to the zendo should be quiet. And because that, the serving establishes the whole pace. And thinking pace is rather Slow, just physical is rather quick. So just come in and turn the corner and bow and go. And then we eat like that, just one spoonful and chewing and swallowing. Feeling in zendo should be awake feeling. And, of course, to stay awake you have to take care with your posture and not, if you exert yourself mentally or physically, you'll be tireder. Maybe most of our energy is used mentally. But if your pace throughout the day is

[16:55]

Similar, you won't use so much energy. If you change your pace, you'll become sleepy. If when you sit down, you sit so some nerve puts a leg to sleep, that leg will make all of you go to sleep. Maybe it's impossible sometimes to keep your legs from going to sleep, but if some physical part of you goes to sleep, mentally you'll go to sleep. It's too strong a message for your body to resist almost. And so to help we carry the stick. And Tassajara where we carry the stick with more seriousness and the hitting is somewhat harder. there is quite a lot of concern about it. It wasn't like it was at Green Gulch or San Francisco, people say, why are you hitting so hard? But we don't really hit so hard. And people worry about their ears and backbone and things, but it's not likely to hurt your ear too much or your bones.

[18:20]

If you have had experience of sitting in Japan, you realize how, and you find how hard they hit, ten times as hard as we hit, and without worrying about your bones. you cease to worry so much about whether you're hit on your bone or something. The flat of the stick is not going to hurt you too much. If they use the silent stick this way, which is illegal, it will hurt you. Sometimes they do that, but usually this way. Maybe at first, and again, we can't do it here, but maybe at first at Tassajara, new person at Tassajara should be hit a lot, maybe once or twice at least every period, whether they ask or not, or whether they're asleep or not, until they get over the feeling, so-and-so shouldn't hit me, or I shouldn't be hit. It's not so important whether you're hit or not.

[19:38]

As I said, the point of our zazen is imperturbability, not some posture or protected, now I'm sitting quite well, they shouldn't disturb me. But if you're so easily disturbed that somebody wants to hit you, your mind goes, and you want to grab the stick and break it or something like that, throw it down the aisle. Those kind of feelings are rather unnecessary. But as long as you have them, you should be hit with the stick. Because if you're so easily perturbed, you should be perturbed. And eventually, when you don't care anymore whether someone hits you or not, then the stick will become quite useful to you. It means something, you know. as Reb said one day at Tassajara, sometimes I, I don't know exactly what he said, but maybe he said this, sometimes I may feel I don't like to be hit or shouldn't have been hit, but I'm not, if I was Avalokitesvara,

[21:02]

shining with light and sitting beautifully, I wouldn't be hit. Something less than Avalokiteshvara must be sitting, or they wouldn't have been interested in hitting me. And that's true, even if you're not asleep, you think. Still, something less than Avalokiteshvara is sitting there. So, somehow you made the person want to hit you. And you can just accept. Hitting is an important part of our relationship with each other too. And if someone doesn't know how to hit so well, you should maybe offer your back for them to practice.

[22:40]

If you feel someone coming down the aisle who's rather shaky, scared to hit, you know, give them some practice. Here, those, there, volunteer, you know, your back. If you find some reluctance, you know, to be hit, offer, in the midst of that reluctance, every time, offer your back. I don't mean you should, all of you should now start doing it. The person can't get down the aisle because everybody's bowing at once. When I first started practicing, every period would ask, and with every person would ask to be hit.

[23:42]

And to do that sometimes is valuable. But also between us, you know, in a community like this and in a Buddhist practice place, Zen has been pared down pretty much. There's no Buddhism maybe more pared down than Zen. And what's here and been given us, you know, is pretty necessary. And there are very few Zen places, maybe almost none, except maybe one or two, which don't use the stick. The one in Japan that does is a kind of reaction against Japanese Buddhism, because... Well, one of the monks from a monastery which doesn't use the stick came here. And he didn't like to use the stick, he said, but we got him to use the stick because that's our practice here. And he was a demon, hitting people right and left harder than anyone. And in Japan, there's that problem. Japanese people have some tough thing of treating each other. And so there may be some need in Japan to ease it up a bit.

[25:07]

I mean, even in Daito-koji where I sat, the scale is quite different. You're hit, in the wintertime, you're hit four times on each shoulder with a stick more than twice as big, twice as heavy as our stick. And you're hit completely from reaching from the bottom down. And you may be hit several times in one period. So four times on each shoulder and you're hit, say, five times. That's 40 hits in one period. Eight times five. So you just have to give up, oh. Pow, pow, pow. And as long as you care about it or some flicker of thinking is apparent on your face, in your body, you get hit. But without the stick, our community would have some problem, I think, with fighting or pettiness. And I don't mean that using the stick is an outlet for hostility. So if we didn't have the stick, people would be hostile with each other. But rather that

[26:43]

Well, let me say first that the few monks I've seen who have not practiced where there's a stick mostly are quite rigid, that some softness comes with being able to give up to the stick. And there needs to be some way where our relationship with each other isn't just greeting, hello, how are you? You're wonderful. or, I'm not speaking to you today. You know, that kind of thing where we try to make everything okay or avoid trouble or avoid some way of speaking to each other deeply. And yet we can't speak to each other so deeply. But with the stick, you know, just anonymously, we can relate to each other, express our feeling, come on, this is serious, please practice zazen. Give up your small self, just sit there, quit worrying, don't sleep. Some way we have to be able to say that to each other. And the stick is quite good, it's quite serious and it's limited to zazen. You know, it's not about, well, you

[28:11]

didn't do such and so in the kitchen or your style of life is such and such, which that's rather difficult to keep pure. But the stick is very pure. It's just about zazen, just about trying to help us to practice more seriously. It's wondrous stick of enlightenment actually, sword of Manjushri. And feeling, some tough feeling must be in your spiritual life or you can't have any real spiritual life. Every religion has some tough metaphor or practice we can't escape from our grief or our fear without having some toughness, which allows us to acknowledge our deeper life, our unborn nature, as Banké says.

[29:31]

So we should be able to hit each other with the stick, trusting each other, offering ourselves, you know, to try to hit. Here you are. And actually, between us, everything that is possible. And between us as a community, you know, we shouldn't be attached to some forms. And the stick is an important, you know, physical contact with many meanings. Flashing down. Sometimes we're thinking,

[30:50]

Sometimes we're feeling something. Sometimes we don't like the person who does it. Sometimes we like the person who does it. But stick has no meaning except what you give it. And it means, too, though, that there are many things in this life we must meet. How small a problem is the stick?

[31:58]

At least we should be able to accept the stick. And when you hit somebody, you should hit quite with some rapid instantaneous feeling, not thinking or worrying. with some clean sound, not pressing into the person, just… Anyway, we should do zazen with that spirit. That's why with the wooden han and the It's just some sound. Not anything complicated. Just... You should know everything on that moment.

[33:29]

The world can disappear on that moment. And you will feel quite fresh and clear in the midst of your surroundings. By the way, with kinhin, our aisles are a little short and small for kinhin. If the aisles were a little bigger, we'd walk a longer path. But anyway, there's two kinds of kinhin. One is slow kinhin that continues the feeling of zazen. And one is fast kinhin, which freshens you or prepares you

[34:39]

for next period of zazen. And our way is actually a combination of the two. When you bell rings, you move quite quickly back to your place. Sometimes we might continue going round and round, but it's rather small, the aisle, so, so far I haven't done it. But Suzuki Roshi could never get us to move quickly enough. He finally gave up after Kinyin. Everybody sort of sleepwalks back to their place. But actually, when bell comes, you should close the space behind you. I don't mean to run, though sometimes we run, to close the space behind you and move with some briskness to your place and get ready to bow. Is there something you'd like to talk about? Even I can't hear you. Is it ever too late?

[36:14]

Can you all hear what she said? No. She said, is it ever too late, especially if you've messed up a lot of opportunities? It's not too late for you. Okay? And what is too late anyway? Where does too late exist? If you like to be too late, it exists. If you're trying to fix up your messed up opportunities, it's too late maybe. Some people, when they're old, feel it's too late. But actually, when you're old, you have more opportunity to realize it really is too late. And you just ought to give up, quit worrying about it.

[37:42]

something else yeah the tough side of you uh-huh you mean you hang on to your weak side with a lot of toughness or tenacity. That may be. Yeah. You wanted to say something? It's never too early. For you it's too early. Yeah. What do you want? You know you want to get anything. Well, I don't know, maybe they'll stop, but usually if you care about it they'll keep hurting.

[39:20]

Sometimes, if you don't care, it won't hurt. Not being so concerned about it is what makes it work. Yeah? Usually, I feel comfortable with this thing, but in this session, it's in the same heart. It seems to me that I have to have a real academic notion of this heart. From this, you couldn't hear, no? She said that usually you don't have so much difficulty with session. So, but in this session, during zazen you have? Pardon me? Oh, with the stick. Mm-hmm. Every time you've been hit?

[40:47]

Yeah. And in other Sashins being hit hasn't bothered you? No, but it's the first one-week Sashin. Oh, I see. Did you hear what she said? Well, I can't comment much on the first one-week Sashin, because almost anything may happen. Usually it's... For most people, first week saschinas, some kind of unusual difficulty appears. Some people get physically sick, you know, some people

[41:51]

Weep the whole session. And some people wait through the first session saying, I'll do the next session will be my real one. Yeah. If we notice that we often seek company, should we make some effort? Is it important to make some effort to be alone? So just to notice company. I don't mean to push things away, people or thoughts, but moment after moment, you know, we have to make some effort to let our desires go each moment. And I think

[43:31]

when you find yourself keeping company, your response should be, not to push it away or to be alone, but just to remind yourself, I'm willing to be alone. I'm willing to be alone. Some thought comes. Okay, you're here, but I don't need you. I'm willing to be alone. I'm willing to be alone. Actually, we are alone, you know. The delusion is to think we're not. You can read about it, you know, or look at the ten Oxfording pictures, but if I say it to you, or if you recognize it yourself,

[44:33]

It's not so pleasant as just reading the 10 Oxford hurting pictures. Early or late have no meaning at all. What can you compare this moment to? Yes, someone? Because you want the hurting to end,

[46:03]

Of course, you move, right? If you didn't want the hurting to end, you wouldn't move. Or you might still. Sometimes involuntarily we move. I'm not going to move. Oh, God. And you discover you've moved. Oh, that's all right. But it has to do with how deeply we believe, understand, that the realm of our likes and dislikes, pain or suffering, is suffering. And that if it's not doing physical damage, there's no reason not to just sit there

[47:06]

And it is some training, of course, because to actually face really being alone, to actually really be alone, not to face it, to actually really be alone, or to be actually open to everything in your nature and what the world really is, you need some toughening. At least you should be able to sit through the pain, no matter how bad it is. From every ordinary point of view, this life of ours is disastrous. We try to pretend it isn't so by concentrating on those things which make us forget. But when you're ready to notice, you can't be easily disturbed. If you're easily disturbed, you'll immediately shut.

[48:34]

So to have some experience with something disturbing, like the pain in our legs, is necessary. No matter how disturbing it gets, your mind is quite calm. It's no problem. Then you can be quite open to what people are doing and the suffering in each of us. We may not care. You know, the word care means grief or lament. And we may not care ourselves. We shouldn't care so much. But we can't forget, should not forget, how much other people care. How much we can care. Yeah? You develop it, what do you want me to say? She asked could I develop more the idea of gravity or what I talked about, gravity. What I was trying to say is that everything is not relative, that's all.

[50:07]

We have this modern idea, everything is relative, but Buddhism doesn't say everything is relative. Everything is changing is not the same as everything is relative. Anything that changes is delusion or illusion. But we find that things actually count, that our actions accumulate, that our left hand and right hand do know what each other is doing. And that even in your zazen you find you can be out of whack. And the more

[51:14]

fine your Azazan gets. And the more you don't think about your practice but just notice, you'll see how out of whack you are. It becomes more and more important, more and more obvious how out of whack you are. And the more you notice how out of whack, the more in whack you are. But you can do something about it. It's like when I've talked about failure. The ability to fail is always there and is our path. And the more you practice, the more you can fail over smaller and smaller things. And that failure tells us my state of mind is confused, or I'm lingering after something, or I'm still in the past. But when we first start practicing our state of mind, our failures are very gross, and even those we try to overlook. But Zen is to look at those failures, and you see more and more something subtle. The ten ox-herding pictures start out with the herdsman has lost his ox.

[52:46]

You know, his failure is quite gross. But by the end, he's lost his ox, but his failure is very subtle. Okay.

[53:08]

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