Thank you and good morning. It's really wonderful for me to be able to be here and to speak with all of you. Even though I've been practicing at San Francisco Zen Center for the past seven years, I still consider this very much my home temple and Sojin Roshi is still very much my heart teacher. So, thank you Sojin. I just also wanted to say that I've been very grateful to both Berkeley Zen Center and San Francisco Zen Center for their different flavors of practice. The opportunity to do intensive monastic practice was something that my heart was just really drawing me to do. And as I come back into City Center, to living in San Francisco and practicing there, and being able to be here more often,

[01:02]

I'm finding the flavors of practicing out in the world to be really enriched by that experience. It is said that we all come to practice through suffering. For myself, I didn't understand really what suffering was for a very long time, and part of the teachings that I had the hardest time with was the First Noble Truth, that there is suffering, that suffering has this pervasive quality in our lives, and I just didn't get it. I really didn't see how I was suffering. Now I can recognize that was so much the ocean that I was swimming in that it was completely invisible to me. But at the time I just couldn't see what relation suffering had to my life. So suffering has really been my koan and it's the heart of my practice.

[02:08]

Not the suffering itself, but how I relate the suffering. and what it is that makes them the four noble truths. What could possibly be noble about suffering? So over and over, finding and renewing this thread, this connection with what is the suffering in our lives and what is actually ennobling about that. So today I want to talk about two stories that have to do with suffering. One of them was one that I heard somewhere during my studies as a psychologist, and it's called Autobiography in Five Chapters, and some of you may be familiar with that. Chapter One. I walk down the street. There's a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost. I am hopeless.

[03:09]

It isn't my fault. It takes me forever to find a way out. Chapter two. I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I'm in the same place. But it isn't my fault. Still takes me a long time to get out. Chapter 3. You may see where this is heading. I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in. I can't believe I'm in the same place. It's a habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault, my responsibility.

[04:19]

I get out immediately. Chapter 4. I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it. Chapter 5. I walk down another street. I probably don't have to tell you what the whole is. I mean, you can all fill in the blanks of your own lives, the ways that we do the same things over and over again, and cause ourselves pain and suffering, and cause others pain and suffering along the way, and we're in denial for a very long time, and then gradually we're not. And the story is often told when we're in Chapter 3, which is the most painful, right? It's where we know that we're falling in the hole and we see it. We can't believe we're doing it over and over again, but we're right at that edge of being able to get out and still falling in again and again.

[05:25]

So this is a story that's meant to be encouraging to see that actually just noticing that you're in the hole, you're already in Chapter 3 when you take responsibility and you're able to start finding your way back out of the hole. We often think there's a hole out there that we fall into. It's the world's fault or it's somebody else's fault or we can't even blame it on the president anymore. Or we might blame it on ourselves. We might think that there's a hole in ourselves that we need to fix. But those two positions really aren't any different. It's just saying that there's something wrong that needs to be fixed. And it's true that until we know that we're in a hole, and that it is possible to get out, and that we have to do it for ourselves, nothing is going to happen.

[06:32]

So this learning to see where we are, climb out of a hole and walk down another street is sort of a basic level of practicing with precepts, practicing non-harming, practicing basic kindness toward ourselves and other people. It's how we live our everyday lives. It's how to have a healthier life and a happier life. But even when we walk down another street, that is still not the freedom from suffering that the Buddha taught. Now I have another story. And this one is from the Blue Cliff Record. It's called Sun-Faced Buddha, Moon-Faced Buddha. Master Ma was unwell. The superintendent of the temple asked, how is your health these days?

[07:35]

Master Ma said, Sun-Faced Buddha, Moon-Faced Buddha. And Setso wrote a verse. That's the whole case. I'll read it again. Master Ma was unwell. The temple superintendent said, How is your health these days? How are you feeling? And Master Ma said, Sun-Faced Buddha, Moon-Faced Buddha. And then later, Setso wrote a verse, Sun-Faced Buddha, Moon-Faced Buddha, Who were the ancient emperors? For twenty years I have suffered. How many times have I gone down for you into the Blue Dragon's cave? This distress is worth recounting. Clear-eyed practitioners should not splite it. Sun-faced Buddha, Moon-faced Buddha.

[08:40]

Who were the ancient emperors? For twenty years I have suffered. How many times have I gone down for you into the Blue Dragon's cave? This distress is worth recounting. Clear-eyed practitioners should not slight it. So, in the Sutra of the Names of Buddha, It says that Sun-Faced Buddha lives 1800 years and Moon-Faced Buddha lives for just one day and one night. So whether you live a long time or a short time, it's just like that. Yesterday, actually two days ago, I was sick. Today I feel well. Two days ago was sick Buddha, today is healthy Buddha.

[09:44]

So when we are in the present moment, things are just like that. 1800 years or one day and one night, it's no different. Both are Buddha. So this is about how we relate with suffering, how we relate with our lives. Usually, ordinarily, we try to avoid it. We try to make suffering stop. We try to make it go away, to get away from it. But if we're at war with our suffering, then the war never ends. The conflict never ends. The suffering actually never ends. Because our primary concern is just about getting away from the suffering and therefore the suffering is always with us. So how do we relate with illness or suffering?

[10:50]

Since it's inescapable, we can't get rid of it. It comes and goes. But we can't make it permanently gone. So if we see it as an enemy, that's not it. But if we give up and say that suffering is our fate, that's not right either. Suzuki Roshi said, actually in his commentary on this koan, If I suffer while I am dying, that is alright. That is suffering, Buddha. No confusion in it. Maybe everyone will struggle because of physical agony or spiritual agony, but that is not a problem. We should be grateful to have a limited body, like mine, or like yours. If you had a limitless life, it would be a great problem for you. So I grew up in Southern California.

[11:56]

I grew up in Long Beach. I grew up very close to the beach, actually very close to where Sajan grew up. about a mile apart, although at slightly different times. And, you know, mostly people in Long Beach were from somewhere else. People in California were mostly from somewhere else, or certainly were when I was growing up. And the idea then, and I think now, is that you can have it all. That life is to be limitless or should be limitless. And it was a problem to have problems. It was kind of a tyranny of problemlessness. You know, every morning my mother would say, how did I stay as I was going off to school and I felt this great weight, like this obligation that I had to have and to stay.

[12:57]

Like there really wasn't room for a bad mood or a bad day. And now I can understand kind of the whole context that that came out of and being after the war. But I grew up during the 60s, so it was like smiley happy faces. And things were supposed to be really good. The economy was good, and that was supposed to make everything all right. And I think for our parents, things were probably pretty good. And I think us kids knew there was something really kind of wrong. But nobody could talk about it. We all saw the holes. We knew there were holes in the sidewalk and holes in the fabric of our lives. And there was nowhere to take that. I think we were all kind of pretending that things were okay. So when I heard that Suzuki Yoshi said, the problems that you have today, you will have for the rest of your life.

[14:14]

That was the biggest relief to me. Because I realized there wasn't a problem to have problems. You just have them. They were just problems, and you have them, and they were part of your life. No problem. So Setso, in his verse, talks about the dragon's cave, going down to the dragon's cave. So this is a reference to a legend that the jewels of many colors are hidden in a cave guarded by a dragon in the depths of the sea. And anyone who wants to obtain the treasure must dive into the depths, enter the cave, and wrest them from the dragon's mouth. So Cetro says, how many times have I gone down to the dragon's cave for you? If we want the treasure,

[15:21]

If we want the life of our life, we have to let go of the coverings, all the ways that we try to protect ourselves, be completely naked, and go down to the depths and enter the cave. And this exposed being goes down over and over again for the sake of truth and for the sake of all beings. So this is the hero's journey. Joseph Campbell talked about that, that this is an archetypal journey. The Holy Grail or the Golden Fleece And I don't know about you, but I always thought that the hero was someone who was really strong, who didn't have any problems, and wasn't afraid.

[16:26]

The courage meant that you weren't afraid. And that maybe somebody else could be a hero, or somebody else could have courage, or somebody else could go down to the depths of the dragon's cave and win the treasure. But I didn't think that I could do that. I wanted to be strong and tough and unafraid, and I tried really hard to do that. And the way that I did it was by looking strong, looking like I didn't care, but what I had to do was learn how to not feel. I had to learn how to cut off my own connection to my life. And every so often I would start to notice that something had really gone kind of dead in the middle of my life, that something was really missing. And I would set off in search of it, like really having no idea where I was going or what I was doing.

[17:28]

And some of my earlier journeys before I started practicing was I would heave myself out in the middle of the desert for a couple weeks at a time, by myself, and completely having no idea what I was doing. I'd just go out there and be by myself for a few weeks. And it was excruciating. And I couldn't tell you why I went, even in the middle of it, and I would go like several times a year. And I just felt like I was a dog eating bitter herbs. I knew that I needed it. I knew that there was something there that spoke to my life. So I would go out and somewhere in there I would actually be able to get in touch with what was true for me. The first time was a little dramatic.

[18:32]

It took me Almost two weeks in the northern Arizona, New Mexico desert at the end of January in an unheated van. It gets really cold out there and I had no idea. That was my first trip. To realize that I wasn't having a good time. A little out of touch. And that was a huge relief. That was like actually touching into what was true instead of putting all my energy into, you know, like calling home every few days, oh, I'm fine, yeah, went to the Grand Canyon today, you know. But we all do this in some way or another, we all put on some face, or maybe not everyone, but I think many of us put on a face for many reasons. But when we lose track of who's behind, the mask that we present to the world, then we're stuck in a very particular kind of suffering.

[19:37]

So gradually I learned how to drop the covering, drop the protective clothing, settle into the moment, be present with whatever was arising, and But it felt like a revelation except it was just being present. It still feels like a revelation to do that. It's a miracle to just be present. It's a very simple daily miracle. Renewable at any moment. Like now. How many times have I gone down to the dragon's cave for you?

[20:41]

We can't go down alone, and no one can do it for us. We do it for ourselves, and we do it for all beings. This is our practice. It's how we become available to ourselves, to our life, to other people, to the world. We soften. We become like a ripe persimmon. And to the extent that we can have the courage to make that trip down to the dragon's cave to that extent we can be open and we can be fearless and that's really one of the greatest gifts that we can give is the gift of fearlessness sometimes that's hard for us to understand how that can help another person

[22:01]

But if we think about it from the other way around, times when we were feeling fearful, and we knew our own fear and suffering, and we encountered someone who was not afraid, who could hold us completely, then we know what a gift that is. So how do we do that? How do we begin to access that? I want to read something from this very lovely book by Mel, with Susan Moon's help. He says, Zazen is simply an offering of yourself, a letting go of conditioning, so that you can allow freshness to be present in your life. We don't practice in order to get a particular result.

[23:06]

That's what Suzuki Roshi was talking about. You can't bend the practice to fit your idea. You have to soften your mind to fit the practice. You have to walk through the small door. It's not up to you to determine how the practice goes. It's up to you to conform to the practice. When you can do that, the practice becomes your own. So if we can go through the small door, if we listen to what practice asks of us, and meet it as fully as we can, then we can let go of our concerns with comfort, and with simply avoiding suffering, and we can touch more deeply into the life of our life.

[24:11]

We are part of the life that is asking, and we're also the other people. So we must take care of ourselves, just as we take care of others. No separation. And that is actually very encouraging. That is what gives us courage, because it's not just for ourselves alone. We do it for one another. And it's much easier, often, to do it because we love others. If it's just for ourselves, it's just about our own comfort. And there really isn't much point. It's not that comfort is a bad thing. But when it becomes the only thing, it's very limiting. So at the times when our suffering is intense, there's a lot of motivation to practice.

[25:16]

And maybe some of us have come to practice through particular times in our life when there was a lot of suffering and we had a lot of motivation. Often in our everyday life, we don't feel that intensity. We don't feel the necessity to practice. But actually, our heads are always on fire. And we just forget. We get used to the burning. We get used to the everydayness of the suffering that we actually have, which is just of not living our lives fully. But it's always available to us. Master Ma was unwell. Temple superintendent asked him, how is your venerable health today?

[26:25]

Master Ma replied, sun-faced Buddha, How many times have I gone down to the dragon's cave for you? 1,800 years or a day and a night? Buddha. When things go my way or when things don't? Buddha. And whether I am the person that I vow to be and that I want to be, or whether I'm lost and wandering half asleep and in delusion, I'm Buddha. So it's not that there's no caring about whether our suffering is active or not, or how we're living our lives. All of that is our daily practice, and it's very important.

[27:30]

It's just that when you stop where you are, and with complete willingness to go down to the depths, to the dragon's cave, then you'll find the treasure, the treasure of your life. Do you have any comments, Sanjan? Thank you for your talk. She reminds me when I was a top of heart and I would have a cold or something and I was laid up, I would say, Mr. Miller, well, I don't know. Does anyone have any questions?

[28:36]

I wondered if this experience of allowing yourself to experience what is suffering for you, whether it makes a difference. You're living in a community. community of Buddhist practice. Has that helped you? Has that supported you? Absolutely. Absolutely. Thank you for asking that. Yes. Feeling the support of other people just by sitting together, chanting together, bowing together, feeling our common vow and common intention is enormously supportive.

[29:37]

It helps me get out of my small mind of picking and choosing and wanting this and not wanting that because, you know, all your friends are in Zendo. You know, it makes it a lot easier to get there. And they're sitting quietly next to you with their strong straight backs. And then I realize I can do that too. So yes. Even if you, for whatever reasons of your life, you can't be here, there are other ways that you can find that encouragement to practice. You may need to actually work harder at it. That may be studying, or having good Dharma friends, or consciously bringing to mind that other people are practicing right now, and feeling that support for yourself. But the more you can get that body-to-body practice of sitting beside other practitioners, the more it will support your practice, the more it has supported my practice.

[30:38]

Thank you. Your eyes, Linda. A bleary-eyed Linda. Most of what you said was really helpful. And probably all of what you said was. But let me tell you the part that I keep stumbling on. You said sun phase, moon phase, you'll always have the same, you'll always have these problems. No problem. And that's the part that I get stuck upon. If you can see that these problems cause harm all around you, as well as to yourself, how can you say no problem?

[31:41]

It doesn't mean we don't take care of the problems. It's not a problem to have problems, and there will always be problems. I think even Christ said, the poor will always be with you. I didn't like him saying that. Right. We don't like to hear that. We don't like to hear that there won't be an end to our idea of what suffering is. But there's, in the relative world, We keep wanting it to all go away and to be fixed, and that's just being human. But when we can actually be present with things as they are, then there's a certain space or a certain freedom around that experience, which isn't a problem. So you say no problem, and then you also say yes problem.

[32:44]

Yes. Well, that could confuse a person. You've probably been trying to tell us this for the last 40 minutes, but I didn't hear it. The question is, what's calling you to walk through the small door? getting really tired of the suffering of having death in life. Each time I would realize that how I was living of trying so hard to keep the suffering away was just making everything really flat and that it covered my whole life and that any risk was worth it compared to continuing to live like that indefinitely.

[33:48]

Like I'd basically gotten what I wanted. I'd conformed life as much as I could to what I thought it was supposed to be, and it really wasn't working. And that gave me the courage to kind of step out over the abyss. And when I look back, I can see that one part of me was holding on for dear life to security, comfort, knowing what was going to happen, control, life control. But there's another part of me which I could only call way-seeking mind, which was actively digging out the cliff from under my feet. And I can't explain how those two things work, but I see them both in action very, very clearly. This way-seeking mind was always working under there, Okay, so you can go ahead and do that. I'll wait.

[34:49]

And then when it was really clear, it's not working for me. Okay. Perhaps you remember the Tibetan Buddhist slogan, always maintain only a joyful mind. Do you recall that one? I don't remember that one. Well, it's one of the 57 slogans that you practice with. And I've been working with that one lately, which is completely opposite to what you're recommending. But people who are from kind of the opposite place, dealing with suffering by focusing too much on the suffering and not on all the wonderful things. So what do you think of that slogan? Is there usefulness to work with that slogan, always maintain only a joyful mind?

[35:51]

Of course, there's a use for it. I mean, it's one of the 57 slogans. But no, but truly, I mean, we have to assume that these things sound crazy, right, when we hear them. And it's like, OK, countless people have found deep benefit in this. This is why it's one of the 57 slogans, right? This is why it's one of the koans. So, always maintain only a joyful mind. I think like when Suzuki Roshi talks about it not being a problem, that he's dying, that he's suffering, that that's the joyful mind. And it is joyful. It really is joyful. It's not fake. So how do you find joyful mind in the midst of not only a pleasant sunny day when things are going your way, but also when the clouds come in.

[37:02]

How do you find a joyful mind each day, and how do you maintain that? So for me, if I had that slogan, for me I would get confused. Because I would think I was supposed to look sunshiny happy. So for me it was a big relief to say, oh, sun face Buddha, moon face Buddha, some days the clouds come in. OK, now I can breathe again. But I think everyone finds their own piece that they work with that speaks to their heart. How does it work for you to practice? Well, it's often a waste of time. I don't equate it with a Long Beach syndrome. I think it's ridiculous on the face always maintain only a joyful mind. I mean, it's obviously ridiculous in a way. But it can be a wake-up call if you're using it for a week or a month or a year.

[38:05]

It can be a wake-up call for how you contribute to your own suffering and other people's suffering. How you actually make suffering worse. So it's the other side, the other end of the spectrum from what you were talking about. But it's coming to the same point. Yeah, it's just how we relate with suffering. Do we try to hold on to it and, you know, wrestle with it? Or do we try to keep it over in some box in the corner? But we're still trying to grapple with it. And it is a way of saying something's been removed recently. It's just kind of in that extreme, the extremity of it. I think is what makes it useful to some people as a way to help. One more question? Hi. I want to start off with what's really called the one age syndrome.

[39:07]

Thank you for the really great talk. When you said you didn't know you were suffering from brain stereotype, You had what you wanted, you'd gotten everything you wanted, you did it the way it was supposed to be. And it wasn't working for you. I'm not convinced by that last part. How did you know it wasn't working if you had what you wanted and you were suffering? I mean, why not? But you don't know while we're here, so why not stay there? Well, I was completely miserable. Oh, you were? Yes. I just couldn't understand that the state that I was in was suffering. somehow. It's kind of like... When they ask you at the time, are you happy, would you say... I'm fine. I'm fine. Yeah, I was, I was, looking back, I think I was pretty anxious and depressed and stressed and, but

[40:14]

It was kind of like being on heavy medication. I couldn't quite touch it. So I was fine, because I was supposed to be fine. Somewhere in there, somewhere in there, there was somebody who hadn't given up the hope of living. I don't think I've ever experienced such a large syndrome. No, I experienced it around me. It was like, wow, this is a really beautiful place and everyone's having, you know, everyone looks beautiful. We're all having such a good time. Why don't I have any friends? Why am I unhappy? What's wrong? I couldn't, I just thought it was, I just thought I was crazy. It wasn't all that great. For me, I think maybe for some people it was, but I think actually for many of us it wasn't all that great.

[41:26]

I always wanted something real and I felt like it was like living in Disneyland. Disneyland is a nice place to visit and you can think you want to live there, but trust me, you don't want to live in Disneyland.

[41:39]

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