My sitting on this stool is an indication of old age, sickness and death. I seem to have bursitis and so I'm giving my hip a month off from sitting cross-legged. I just couldn't help but try it this morning. And of course, what's interesting is that there's a kind of myth about the only real practice is cross-legged sitting, which I actually don't believe, but I notice I keep getting caught by it.

[01:07]

As I think some of you know, I attended a Sesshin with Harada Roshi in September. He is in the Rinzai tradition, which is about quick, [...] fast. So you go from sitting cross-legged to standing to walking fast, like that, no transition. And my hip socket didn't like it. And I felt quite surprised and interested in the reactions that came up for me and not being able to keep up and not being able to do everything and limping gave me a real taste of what it's like to not be hale and hearty in terms of one's, not exactly one's reputation, but it's in that same ballpark.

[02:11]

I actually found the experience extremely useful. And through the challenge of the physical request, if you will, for the Sashin, what I was able to discover was what is reliable in terms of constancy and what is maybe some form of arrogance. And that when I was a little modest and took good care of my physical body, I was able to do whatever I did thoroughly, which was not necessarily what all the young, flexible, enthusiastic Sachine participants were able to do, I was at the older end of the spectrum. And in the end I found that very useful.

[03:18]

That juxtaposition between some idea we have about how things should be and what is so. This actually pertains to what I'd like to talk about this morning, which has to do again with What happens for us when we encounter fear in our spiritual lives, in our practice, in our lives in every regard? And in particular, what happens when we don't have the confidence that we can stay with what we can't imagine or don't know how to stay with? I had a particularly vivid experience of this yesterday. I taught the class that I teach usually once a semester at UC as part of the extension program, a kind of introductory day to Zen and mindfulness practices. And the people who attend those classes are people who are in

[04:31]

In most cases, a little nervous about going to a Buddhist center. Going to UC Extension feels a little safer. They know where the back door is, so to speak. And yet, what people expressed when they talked about what brought them to attend the workshop was a very consistent expression of some sense of wanting an inner life, a spiritual life, and being interested in Buddhist meditation as a resource. Anyway, there was one woman who came to the class and who, when we were going around talking about our intention for the day, she said, I don't know what I want to do. She was maybe in her late 40s or early 50s.

[05:33]

And between jobs. So she meant that in terms of her work, but I later realized she meant, I don't know what I want to do in many ways. And she then talked quite movingly about her sense that she was terrified to be alone. that she wanted to be able to meditate, but imagined that her resistance to meditation was because of her fear of being alone. And that she thought if she didn't force herself to meditate, she would die. Pretty strong setup, isn't it? I could feel her fear and nervousness quite palpably in the course of the day.

[06:35]

And when I went out to get a drink of water during one of the breaks, I realized that every time there was a break, she'd run out and have a cigarette. She was, for me, a great reminder about the challenge of being with fear rather than trying to get rid of it. One of the first things she said was, I want to get rid of this fear that I have. And of course, eventually, I think most of us come to realize that that doesn't work. that getting rid of leads to a kind of stuck place. And very often what we are not able to see in terms of what is possible is because that habit of thinking, I can't, I want to get rid of this, I want this to end, is so strong that we become blind to our capacity to

[07:49]

hang in with ourselves to be present with what is difficult to be present with. One of the what can I say, great treasures for me. And the Sashin that I sat a few weeks ago was an incredible affirmation that I felt from being able to stay present with acute discomfort of all sorts as long as I did it with the breath, that I could do it on the inhalation and exhalation. And the challenge for me was not just physical. In fact, the bigger challenge was what I call the kind of last vestiges of ancient poison gas.

[08:53]

You know, when you have some old mishigas. Those of you who know that word, I think it's, I guess it's translatable, but it's, you know, old suffering, old stuff. And we lull ourselves into thinking, oh, well, I've taken care of that. I've processed and purified and exercised and done whatever I need to come to peace with some ancient, twisted suffering. And then lo and behold, when I'm not noticing or expecting it, the last vestiges of poison gas arrives. And every day I would see Hirata Roshi and I would just marvel at the poison gas and he would just be completely consistent about just stay present and keep breathing.

[10:03]

What you're doing is just fine. And of course that was right. That was absolutely right. This mindfulness with breathing is the source of true liberation. And all those ideas that I brought to the sashin about what I didn't need to worry about anymore, what wasn't going to come up, presented itself once again. And that in combination with not being in charge of anything, not knowing where anything was, not knowing what the schedule was, not being familiar with the forms, being an absolute rank beginner was an incredible opportunity. And yet, what's interesting is that I found some sympathy in myself for why some of my friends who were Dharma teachers don't want to put themselves in that position.

[11:18]

It's hard. and very humbling. And for me, anyway, exactly what suited. I felt a kind of relief to be able to really be a beginner. The first couple of days, I felt like I was scrambling because I didn't know. I mean, even the sound signals are different from what I'm used to. So having that recent experience when I was sitting with this woman who came to the class yesterday and who so much wanted to learn how to meditate and more importantly be able to practice the meditation practices and who kept running out the door with her fear right with her.

[12:23]

I realized that I could offer her some suggestions, I could share with her some of my experience, but in the end, she was the one who was going to have to find her way. But since being in that situation yesterday and with her, I've been thinking more about The relationship between fear arising and our losing our self-confidence, forgetting what we already know historically about our ability to stay present or if we go away to come back. That even when we go away out of fear, we can, when we notice that, return to what is the ground. that we have confidence in within ourselves. Our ability to center and ground ourselves in our physical body and to locate ourselves in our physical body and with the breath.

[13:35]

This kind of self-confidence that only is generated, I think, from experience doesn't happen from reading books or having somebody, even someone we trust, tell us how it is. There's a certain level of self-confidence that will only develop out of our actual experience, our actual cultivation of our capacity to trust ourselves. And to trust that we can, in fact, discover how to turn towards what everything in us says turn away from. So I also find myself returning again to Avalokiteshvara, the Bodhisattva of Compassion, as the inspiration for listening without reacting and without judgment, as also a very important element in our cultivation of self-confidence.

[14:50]

When we deeply listen to ourselves, when we deeply listen to what's arising, when we deeply listen without rejection, to the questions that we have and respect those questions, respect our experience, respect whatever it is we understand about a situation, even if it's incorrect, it is the understanding we have at that given moment. Am I willing to make a mistake or discover that I was wrong in my understanding of a situation or a certain experience? And not have that discovery feed a want of self-confidence, but be more the exercise of our capacity to have what I sometimes call the mind of, oh, when we learn something,

[15:53]

No. I think the ground of self-confidence is established with being very kind and a little firm. A little firm with ourselves. Not too strict, but firm. Because, of course, the impulse to turn away from whatever it is we want to turn away from is usually very well established. That habit of turning away is often quite established. One person who came to the class yesterday has done some Zazen practice, and he said, you know, I seem to go to sleep a lot when I sit.

[17:00]

And he was already, after practicing sitting meditation for not so long, into trying to fake it. Look like I'm not falling asleep. I think he was a little surprised when I invited him to take the sleepiness seriously. Notice it. Notice the detail of when the sleepiness would come. And to, if he kept being sleepy, open his eyes wide. If necessary, stand up. We don't usually fall asleep when we're standing up. Or walk. He said, even during a period of sitting? I said, sure, better than going to sleep all the time. Because if you aren't actively engaged with the sleepiness, what ends up happening is you sit for 15 or 20 years looking like you're awake but being asleep.

[18:06]

It's a big waste, waste of time, among other things. That sleepiness can be, especially when it's habitual, it can tell us something about resistance or a kind of turning away, one of the faces of turning away. If I can't sit cross-legged Am I willing to sit in the posture that I can sit in? And do I give in to all the little messages and voices about how this is second-rate practice? Teetering up here on my stool. Or can I discover the great benefits and possibilities in sitting in a chair or on a bench?

[19:16]

And I'm beginning to think I may, in the end, have more company on my chair or bench than I dared hope would be the case. Always we get to tangle with that tension between things as we want them to be, or things as we don't want them to be, and things as they are, internally and externally. And it's in that realm of tension that we lose our ability to see clearly. And in that process, we lose our capacity to see our own capacities, We shortchange ourselves with caving into habitual aversion, habitual turning away.

[20:30]

Earlier this week, Bill and I had a friend visit, someone that I know from the Western Buddhist teachers' meetings, a man who, in 1969, went to India, to Dharamsala, and has lived there ever since. Quite a remarkable person. He went to Harvard when he was 16. He was one of those bright kids. Did you know he went to Princeton? He did his undergraduate work at Princeton and then got his doctorate at Harvard. So when he went to India on a Fulbright and he met the Tibetans, he said he felt like he was home. And he in time met the Lama who became his teacher. And he invited his teacher to teach him about the things that he didn't know about. the things he was not so bright about that had to do with interpersonal relationships and things like that.

[22:08]

And he told this really marvelous story. He, in time, learned Tibetan and was his teacher's translator. At one time, they were in Paris. No, they were in southern France. His teacher was giving a big teaching, and there was a woman sitting in the front row with very elaborate, piled-up hairdo and hennaed hair, lots of jewelry and rings, very colorfully dressed, and very bright red lipstick. And during the entire teaching, she had a rose in her teeth. So at a certain point in the teaching, Alex's teacher turned to him and said something, a little instruction from a private discussion that they had been having earlier in the day.

[23:15]

And it pertained to what he was teaching in the public teaching. And Alex needed a pen to make a note of what Cirque-en-Reperche was saying. And he didn't have a pen. And this woman with the rose in her teeth had a pen, so he leaned over and asked her if he might use her pen. And he continued using it during the teaching. And then at the end of the teaching, Alex was pretty mesmerized with this woman, trying to figure out what in heaven's name was going on with her. long teaching of some several hours. She's sitting there with this rose in her teeth the entire time. And at the end of the teaching, she didn't get up to leave. She just sat there. And finally, his teacher turned around to him and said, dummy, give her back her pen. And Alex then said, you know, my teacher

[24:27]

This was in a talk he was giving at Spirit Rock last Wednesday, and people in the audience were kind of appalled that his teacher would be so abusive. He said, abusive? He was helping me. I was a dummy. I thought she was going to give us the rose. I didn't think about I had her pen. He said, it's the kind of thing I was historically out of it about all the time. And I had given him permission to help me in the parts of my life where I was asleep, or out of it, or insensitive. And he talked about the process of being the translator for his teacher, or sometimes for the Dalai Lama, and being corrected out there in front of 10,000 people. And the Dalai Lama turns and says, no, that's wrong. try it again. And what was so interesting to me in our friend's discussion of this experience was in a situation that for many of us we would cringe and turn away from, he had this sense of how much he had been helped

[25:51]

I can imagine what he must have been like when he was a young man. I know what he was like when I first met him five or six years ago. He's much softer and more relaxed now and laughs at himself quite easily in a way that's very touching. Tell me, give her a pen. I said, Alex, did you ever find out about the rose? Not a clue. She left the teaching with the rose between her teeth. What I realized when I listened to him, this was in the context of his telling the group assembled, his life story, in particular with respect to his dharma practice and what his path has been.

[27:02]

I was really struck by, once again, by a kind of courage that I heard in his description about really seeing clearly the places in himself where he was not so developed, the qualities that he hadn't didn't have developed in him to a greater or lesser degree. And his willingness to work with someone who was willing to support him to see himself more clearly and to help him see his capacities for being in his life and in the world a little differently. I've said this before, but I just want to reiterate again because my own experience with this territory is recent and vivid, that rousing the courage to be present with ourselves and situations we're in as we are, rousing the necessary energy and willingness to do that

[28:25]

We only have to do it a few times to remind ourselves to rediscover the liberation of doing that. As I listened to different people in the class yesterday, I once again was struck by how grateful I am for the company that I enjoy with all of you. How much having good friends, having people who have some like-mindedness about our deepest intention is a real treasure. Particularly as I listen to a group of 20 people talk about their sense of isolation in terms of the cultivation of their inner lives, a kind of loneliness. And when I said, you know, find a friend or two, the response I got was, well, where do I begin?

[29:37]

I think we begin with opening our eyes and sticking our necks out with respect to letting ourselves be more visible in terms of who and how we are, how we are. So, are there thermoses up there? Great, thank you. So on the front table, in the midst of the rafts of Buddhas that Victoria has brought back from Bali, is tea. So please go and help yourselves to tea. There's also some water in the jug on the deck. And then let's reconvene in a little bit, and we can have some discussion together. And if you want to bring tea in, I'll get some coasters and put

[30:37]

I want to talk a little bit about sleepiness. So yesterday I had decided to read up on the Anapanasati Sutta and I noticed a certain amount of resistance and suddenly, guess what, I started to get sleepy in my eyes. And then I went upstairs to change the tape on my computer because I was doing a backup and I had meant to grab the Anapanasati Sutta and I grabbed another book, which was what I really I realized what happened and the sleepiness went away. Of course, I went back down and got it. But it seems like there's probably a lot of ones, but there's like three different things that can happen with sleepiness. One is that you really are sleepy and you need to sleep. The third one is that your mind is working in a way that you fall into the mind state of sleep, although you're not really sleeping. What I found is if you try a little visualization, it activates a particular part of your mind or your brain that causes a bridge to connect between your conscious thinking and your deep level.

[32:13]

of the mind, and the visualization kind of makes that connection, and then you get the sort of content that's at the deep level kind of flows up, and the stuff at the top sort of flows down, the kind of conscious stuff, and you get a nice sort of integration of the two. My caution would be to not try to fix the sleepiness before I understand what its nature is. And particularly when sleepiness is a manifestation of resistance, I think it's extremely useful to be able to see that. Extremely useful. Most of us are not as clear as we could be about the different forms resistance takes. And it's that place where just being present and noticing without actively trying to fix it can be quite fruitful.

[33:29]

I certainly found that yesterday when I was reading. As soon as I noticed it, it went away. Yeah. Yeah. Sina? because I have a fear about being around in groups. And actually, the part you said about your retreat with Hirata Roshi and taking care of yourself, I noticed that because I allowed myself to, I gave myself permission to do what I needed to do to feel safe, which was I was going to leave after the first sitting and not do any walking. And because I had that, internally had given myself that permission, I found that it was, I felt okay about coming back for the second sitting period. And my anxiety actually was not very great. That was the first thing. That was actually the easier of the fears that came up. The other fear has to do with, for me, a needed exploration of attachment and clinging.

[34:35]

I noticed the Kwan Yins when I walked in. So I sat for the entire part of the second period noticing my intense fear about owning things and wanting things and spending money because one should not be attached, one should not cling and all that. And then I started to notice that clinging to not having is also a kind of clinging. Absolutely. I definitely am a cling to the not having So I just really decided that I didn't have to... I remembered so-and-so's don't say good or bad, and I just sat there with it, watching the fear go back and forth. But I want it. What if I leave here and I don't have it? And then what if I get it and then I want to give it away because I'm terrified of the whole thing? So I just decided to stay with the exploration.

[35:39]

What you were saying was, I could turn, at least for this time, to face, try to face the fear of buying something I want to practice with and having it continue to happen. So that's what's been up for me, a fear. I was amazed, not amazed, but just noticing how intense the fear was. And then when I would come back to the breath and physical sensation, it would ebb a little bit, and then I'd come back to the terror. I'm still not quite sure what it's about, but at least I'm seeing the possibility of exploring it. But my encouragement to you is don't push the, what is this about? That's a kind of disguised why. Just let yourself keep staying present with what you're aware of. And some insights about the causes and conditions will come in time, but you're not controlling that particular part of the of the inquiry, and I think that makes a big difference. Well, I guess if I'm not controlling it, I might get more different information than I would be if I weren't controlling it.

[36:51]

Yeah, absolutely. It's one of the benefits in being present with whatever one's working with with the breath. My experience is that it's a little bit easier to do what I'm describing. Now to go back to And some of you may remember a long time ago, I said during a sitting, I think some of you are sitting still and not moving because you're afraid of what your neighbor's going to think about you or you're afraid about what I'm going to think about you if you move. And I want you to take back the authority about whether you move during a period of sitting or not. claim the authority about making the decision to move or to sit still. And I was really amazed because it was one of the most still sittings I had experienced up to that point.

[37:56]

And it's that spaciousness around whatever the issue is, that makes a huge difference. You know, it's really what Suzuki Roshi was pointing to when he talked about, you know, the way to keep your... Was it a cow or a horse? I never can remember. The way to keep your cow or sheep or, you know, whatever, the critter, keep your critter is in a big pasture. It's why paying attention to the various practices that we know that are conducive to that sense of spaciousness of a bigger container is really useful. It's why the half smile is such a potent practice. It's about cultivating that sense of spaciousness in a situation where we have a tendency to get closed in. And I think fear triggers that reaction. Debra? I was interested in the words that came into my head. One of them is, my neck, it's hard to hold up my head.

[39:01]

And then as I was walking, I felt, quote, tippy, not grounded. And when I think about what's going on in the rest of my life, those areas are very But in walking meditation, particularly, if you feel tippy, you're probably walking too slowly. You'll be more comfortable and be able to find a place of groundedness if you walk a little faster. And it's this same issue. Oh, well, but other people are walking slower, slower, and I should be doing it the way they're doing it. But if you're tippy, that's telling you something about what's appropriate for you this morning. And I didn't find that. I was with a slow growth and I had to leave and found another path. I had to do my own thing. Yeah, exactly. You have so much in your head that it's heavy. between antidote practice and trying to push away.

[40:21]

Because when Jim was talking about the sleepiness, my first thought was, oh, I have this wonderful thing I learned that just has to do with, and it's sort of like an antidote practice for me, about sleepiness, and that it's physical. And that there's a sense of sort of, letting your eyeballs fall back into your head. This was in terms of a yoga supplement. And I found that when I somehow do that, or have that sensation, I wake up. Anyway, and I had this little desire to share that. Anyway, and I found, and also, when I was walking, it seemed like, you know, I'd come from a fairly busy week, like a lot of people, that when I'm sitting, I'm more cramped and I start to walk. And a lot of thoughts start coming.

[41:25]

And so I found that, oh, remembering to relax the base of my tongue. And then I thought, well, what's the difference between relaxing the base of my tongue and thinking about my eyes falling back into the sockets? I mean, it's sort of like antidote or... I'm a little confused about it. Well, I would suggest that you focus more on what's your motivation in each case. You know, this is one of the issues that Epstein brought up in his book, Thoughts Without a Thinker. I think it was in the context of discussing baronoting. as a way of escaping or turning away from something you should stay with. But I think it has to do with recognizing what is skillful in the particular moment and checking your motivation. And I think that it's, the question you're bringing up I think is an extremely useful one.

[42:28]

That there are times when our motivation for doing an antidote practice is really because I want to get rid of, you know, for example, to do any of the practices that have to do with transforming anger Is the motivation to get rid of the anger? Is the use of the antidote a way to keep working with observing and not getting caught in the story, in the content? And the crucial factor will be motivation. And I would be careful not to get too caught up in comparing the different antidotes and what's going on with them, but pay much more attention to what your motivation is in doing a particular practice if you're sleepy or angry or fearful or whatever. I think a lot of times it can be that I'm not, oh, because of the past.

[43:35]

It's like there's a sense of not paying attention. Ah, the judge. You know, better Charles Geralt commenting on the evening news. I mean, he had to do a certain amount of that to figure out that you'd been thinking for 20 minutes. I was like, it's not quite bare noting. And you know, that voice is a sneaky, intelligent, insinuating mental capacity. I should be aware. Yeah, there it is again. There's a kind of fear that I've been haunted by for a couple of weeks.

[44:44]

and haven't known how to sit with and be with others in the most misleading possible way. And I've been trying to decide whether there might not be times when it's more skillful to turn away or to repress for me, just briefly what it has to do with the fear is that for some reason there was an experiment done with dogs in the 70s having to learn helplessness and studying depression. There were some experiments and these experiments have been recounted to me in various ways in the last couple of weeks. I went to, a couple of days ago, a workshop on the physiology of stress, and the speaker recounted in just grotesque detail what these experiments were about.

[45:55]

And I've been haunted by this, and find that I can I can barely sit with that for even a second. And so I find myself thinking, why not just completely push it down, completely turn away, if it's this painful.

[46:20]

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