I'm going to try to learn your names now. Gay. Michael. Tom. Bert. Bert. Mary. No, they're just at the right time. Now you're about ready to give up. Mary. Linda. Linda. Michael. John. Bill. Phyllis. Tom. Richard. Thank you. Robin. Robert. Bert. Bert. Catherine. Nancy. Barbara.

[01:02]

Richard. Michael. Diane. Judy. Mary. Dolly. Greg. Susan. Linda. Joseph. Greg. Jay. Susan. Donald. Maureen. Kathleen. Linda. Maureen. Jay. Richard.

[02:10]

Two Michaels. And two Marys. And one Beverly. And one Linda. And one Eric. Richard? Is there any one or two? Just one Robert? So I... I want to review, elaborate and introduce some new material. And one thing, so... One thing I kind of winced at when I thought about it was this woman here last week who's not here this week named Lisa. And she asked if one more time can you trust yourself and I said no.

[03:27]

But I felt bad saying that because you should trust yourself. But what I meant was you shouldn't trust your, like, you shouldn't trust what you think. You shouldn't trust that what you think is true. You should trust yourself. You should trust that you're thinking what you're thinking. So... I'm sorry she's not here to clarify the difference between trusting yourself and yes, I can tell you're not. You can tell her a whole lot, a whole class, if you don't mind. It's sort of, it's related to this, what does it mean to trust yourself? Or to trust your deep self? You can trust yourself the way yourself really is. That's... That's okay. But it's not that we need to understand the way our self really is. But I think I mentioned one way to phrase fundamental human illusion is a misunderstanding of what the self is.

[04:33]

And acting on the basis of the misunderstanding of self is... is basically our problem. And a happy life is a life of living from proper understanding of what the self is. So let's see. I think I... I've presented over and over, and I'll do it again, the basic idea of uprightness. Upright sitting. And I think I mentioned that upright sitting is not just another one of these things you do. We sit upright, like we actually sit upright, like this posture. But the...

[05:37]

what we really mean, what I really mean by upright sitting is not doing a thing, having this posture. But the uprightness is understanding what you are doing. It's not like doing this or doing that, or not doing this or not doing that. It's understanding what you think you are doing. Or another way to put it is, uprightness is not so much doing this or doing that, or not doing this or not doing that, but it's rather to assume complete responsibility for what you're doing. So in any action

[06:40]

that seems to be happening all day long, uprightness of that action is to take responsibility for that action. And in that way, any action can be upright. However, you can't pack the uprightness on the end of the action, because then you could do something cruel and then say, well, I'm right there, so it's okay. It's rather that if you're practicing this responsibility for your action while it happens, or if you realize the uprightness in every body, speech and thought throughout the day, this transforms the action. If in whatever action you're doing,

[07:52]

as it happens, you realize the responsibility for it, then all of our action is transformed. And then the action is understood, and by the action being understood, the illumination inhabits it. But in order to understand what you're doing, you must take responsibility and admit it. You can't just in general be the responsible person. So there's a basic idea, a general policy here, a general philosophy of Buddhism, is that basically what you do is you accept and work with your weaknesses. And by working with weaknesses, they're transformed into enlightened qualities.

[08:53]

Some of it, I think, has some strong points. There's some good things about it. But in a way, they're not... I don't know what to say about them. But the weaknesses are the places where the awakening happens. I suppose so. And... so what I'm proposing by this uprightness is a selfless form of practice. Or a way of practice which might seem right at the time to be useless. Or like not doing anything.

[10:02]

Because I'm not actually suggesting you do something. I'm actually suggesting being completely present with what you are doing. Not take what you're doing and do it again. Not try to not do what you're doing. In other words, not be... not sort of push what you're doing forward or lean back from it and cringe or wince or shrink back from it, actually. But appreciate just being fully responsible for it. And... so the selflessness is that this practice is not something, again, that you can do. This is not something you can get a sense of

[11:09]

while you're doing it. From looking at it from the outside it may look like it's something you're doing. So from the outside of this practice or you might say when you first approach it when you first approach it you may think it's something you can do or something that you could improve. Something like that. And again, from the outside it looks like if you watch Zen yogis look at it and it looks like oh, let's see, they're over there they're sitting there doing that. What they're doing is not doing much because they're just sitting there but still, it looks like they're kind of doing something. And in a way, I guess if anybody's going to be accused of not doing anything

[12:13]

these people who are sitting are close to that but people don't realize how completely they're not doing anything. They still think they're doing something, like sitting there. They may call it useless but they don't realize that when it's really practiced fully it is completely useless. It is completely selfless. But it's not selfless like okay, I don't have a self I'm nobody It's not that kind of selfless. It's selfless in the sense that you completely take responsibility for yourself. I often feel like I get the feeling of being a turtle flipped over on a shell spinning with their little feet sticking out more like a breakdancer

[13:14]

you know how they sometimes land on a spinner it's like that or sometimes it's spoken of as a it's like a top, spinning top you know, sitting, just sitting there just going or another way sometimes spoken of as a vigorously jumping fish you know, a fish jumping out of the water going except take away the movement just the breaking the water just the breaking the water right then the presence of the fish breaking the water or the plunging back down that complete the completeness of the activity not exactly to act completely you always act completely you never sort of have to do something really you move your hand this high and no higher or you move it higher and no less higher you always put your feet exactly where you put them and you don't put them any place else and you always think exactly what you think and you never think anything but what you think

[14:17]

even though you a lot of times think you wish you were thinking something different you always think and speak and posture exactly that and nothing but and the uprightness is saying okay I'm saying what I'm saying I'm thinking what I'm thinking I'm posturing this way I'm here like this can I like just finish this and then I'll put you into it otherwise can you remember? so I want to introduce this idea of courage in a sense of like Paul Tillich's courage to be courage to be I think the way he speaks of it is is like the way I mean in his uprightness that you just be what you are in that sense trust what you are

[15:20]

and you trust it in two senses in one sense it means you can do the courage to humanly act like you're acting but in another sense which gives expression in a sense of your being in terms of your being you completely affirm the way you are but this upright sitting is a complete self affirmation but it's not just a self affirmation of you know your karma your actions it's a self affirmation of your the way you really are

[16:24]

and the way you really are the way you really are Gableman said before the way people really are is that they are they are completely contradictorily identical with themselves and to surrender to the way you are is the gate to peace and joy you say the dharma gate or the true gate to repose and bliss if you have the courage

[17:46]

courage to surrender to the way you really are then that courage is coincident with joy and this surrender to the way you are in many senses but one of the first senses that I want to mention is to surrender in the sense that you can't do you can't make yourself be the way you are because the way you are is not something that you create by yourself because you are created precisely by what you aren't and a practice where you surrender to what you are

[18:50]

and what you are is identical to what you aren't is a selfless practice from the outside it looks like you are doing something from the inside it looks like you are doing something you are not doing anything you are just being courageous and courageousness again has two meanings one is something you can do the other one is something just to accept the responsibility for what you are so this this kind of uprightness is the gate to an awareness a joyous awareness of yourself and I say awareness

[19:55]

I'm using the word awareness for a Sanskrit word Samadhi which means many things one of the things it means is one-pointedness another thing it means is to be absorbed in something like to be absorbed in the way you really are absorbed in enjoying the way you really are self joyousness self joyful self enjoying awareness but this awareness does not mean consciousness because consciousness does not reach this awareness this is not an awareness where you can be aware of it or be aware of something because again it's just like this vigorously jumping fish or this turtle spinning

[20:56]

back it's not somebody looking at the turtle and saying isn't that cute it is the joy of being a spinning turtle but you know if you think about it it's not so joyful to be a spinning turtle there must be some other reason why it's joyful to be a spinning turtle and the reason why it's joyful to be a spinning turtle is because a spinning turtle is really to be itself identical with what it isn't otherwise it couldn't be a spinning turtle your real enjoyment of your limited self is given to you because that's not what you are if that's really all you were it wouldn't be such a good deal because actually if we usually do go around thinking that they're a turtle or a person

[21:56]

or a good person or a bad person don't they? but that's true that they think that way but the reason they think that way is because of the true nature the true structure of their selves and again the entrance into seeing understanding the true nature of yourself is the complete acceptance of yourself as you see yourself now taking full responsibility for your limited view of how you behave that's the uprightness which takes you into the awareness of what you are which you then can affirm and when you can affirm that this is joyousness and this is freedom and the willingness to be yourself as a limited person

[23:00]

comes to you because you're not limited if you were if I was really this limited I would not have the courage to be a limited person it is only by wisdom that I'm willing to be a limited person most people are walking around being limited persons thinking that they're limited persons begrudging it and being miserable about it but it's because of us not being that way only that we can actually stop begrudging our limitation and by uprightness which is the same as not begrudging our limitation we enter the world where we can see that we're exactly made by everything that we think is us and we have the courage to accept that too

[24:01]

and then peace and joy simultaneously with this courage so one more thing I'd like to say is that this kind of practice is not again something you can do it's not a toy that you can manipulate although it could be your hobby it's not just a hobby it's ok if it's a hobby but it's not just a hobby it's also a spiritual practice it's not just another ego trick and again as I said last week it is something you do with all beings it actually is what you are doing with all beings I'm talking about what you do with all beings that's this practice

[25:04]

everybody doing this and everybody doing it with you and you're doing it with everybody and it's so simple all you have to do is completely do what you're doing however since it's so simple it's easy to misunderstand if it was more complicated it would be easier not to misunderstand if it was more complicated but because it's so simple we can project all of our stuff on it so I'll conclude my presentation with a little two Zen stories about this a great teacher his name was sometimes they call him cow master sometimes horse master

[26:09]

they called him that because he was big about 7 feet tall with his Chinese feet and he had a real long tongue you could lick his nose I can touch it but I can't lick it they called him cow master, he was one of the greatest Zen masters of all time he had 139 enlightened disciples and one time a monk came to him and said what is Buddha and he said mine itself is Buddha and some time later another monk came to him and said I hear you say that mine itself is Buddha and he said I say that to help people stop crying

[27:11]

crying crying crying and then the monk said what do you do when you stop crying he said I say no mind, no Buddha so what I'm teaching you is no mind, no Buddha. Maybe you're crying, and I should be teaching you mind itself is Buddha, but I'm not teaching you no mind, no Buddha. I'm treating you before you stop crying. Sorry if it happens. If it happens, I'll teach mind itself is Buddha. Another Zen teacher, Dogan, said mind itself is Buddha. Explanation is not difficult. Practice

[28:25]

is difficult. No mind, no Buddha practice is not difficult. Explanation is difficult. So I'm giving you a no mind, no Buddha practice, which you are already doing. It isn't difficult, but it's difficult to understand because it's so simple, that you're already doing it. Excuse me, you're not already doing it. It's so simple, it's already happening. It's so simple because you're already doing it with all sentient beings. That's the practice of no mind, no Buddha, which everybody is doing, but it's difficult to understand. The other practice is not so difficult to understand because you can explain it, and you can show people a way to try. You say, well, in my mind, watch how it works. By observing how

[29:30]

it works, you can do various kinds of practices to do that, and you can explain to people how to do this. So they get a feeling of mastery and so on and so forth, and then they get better and better. But it's very difficult to do that practice because it's very complex and most people will not be able to do it. But the practice which everybody is already doing is not difficult for people to do, but it's very difficult for them to understand because you can't understand it with your brain, you have to understand it with this no mind, no Buddha thing. So in a sense, the faith is stronger for the peace path, and also the no mind, no Buddha path is immediately much more selfless because you're being invited

[30:40]

into a practice that you don't do by yourself. You're invited into a practice that you do with all sentient beings. You take this form of sitting as kind of like a ticket or a gate into this practice that you do with all sentient beings. You start by taking credit for the fact that you do live your life partly on your own as a human being operated, and you watch how you think that way, and you accept that, and that's your gate. When you do accept that completely, that's your gate into the actual practice of Buddha's mind. Which is basically beyond any idea of Buddha or me. So, that's it. So, it takes a lot of effort and time.

[32:02]

We're not enlightened. Could it be that someone thinks that he or she is taking a course by philosophy, while actually committing a very cruel act, and think, you know, would have to listen to people talk and understand about being completely different, because we may think, listen to people talk and understand that we may be completely different, but we don't really care. Well, it's also okay and good to confess past unwholesome things, like if you're cruel to somebody, you're nasty to somebody, it's also good to say it afterwards, so that was, that wasn't so cruel. That was, that seems to me, I don't feel good about that, I feel sick about that. That wasn't good. That's good too. And by doing that kind of practice, what you're

[33:10]

doing, in a sense, I guess what I would say is, one thing, you're confessing something you did, also, you're seeing, you're thinking, like at that time, first of all, I want to say that confessing past things you've already done that you don't think are good, that's good in itself. But to complete that process means that you also confess that right now you think you did something bad. So you don't just think you did something bad and confess you did something bad. You also confess that you're thinking that you did something bad right now. So you catch up with yourself too. You take credit for beginningless greed, hatred and delusion, actions that come from that. Beginningless Christian activity based on confusion, anger and attachment. You admit all that which you can't even remember or

[34:11]

ignore, you admit it. And also, you specifically admit those two. And also, while you're thinking those thoughts, you completely admit that they're present at that time too. So you're present while you're confessing. In that case, there are past actions and while you're confessing you're not ... all you're doing when you're confessing is speaking the truth. You're not hurting someone. I won't say that. You could, while you're confessing, possibly hurt someone. Because you could confess in such a way that you could basically be conveying that you're better at confessing than me. It might be possible to, right at the time that you're confessing, to still verbally put somebody down. And I would say that to

[35:14]

the extent that you're present at that, you're more likely to realize the non-virtue of what you did. And again, watch that. And by getting more and more concentrated and present with this, what I propose is that by that kind of concentrated presence in what you're doing, which is what you think you're doing by yourself in your own power, as you become more and more one-pointed with that way of being which we are as human beings, as unenlightened beings, that is a gate to a mind where you will not be able anymore to do pure thinking. Because your understanding will be such that you'll understand that everyone, really, is you. And when you really

[36:18]

think that way, you no longer can do pure thinking. The root of cruelty is simply the lack of wisdom. You don't have to stop yourself from doing anything cruel. You're incapable of it because of the way you think. Because you really, truly, at that time, the way you think is that you really do think everyone is really super great and highly appreciated. And you would never have to tell yourself not to hurt them, because you would not want to But not that you would do anything not to hurt someone you think is so wonderful as you don't think people are when you realize they're not. Because we really do correctly think that we're wonderful. The only problem is when you think that somebody is not us. And based on that, you're capable of cruelty in various degrees.

[37:24]

Entering into Buddha's mind, which is the real soft toy of his mind, is the courage to be the way he carries you into your own thinking. That's the gate to the mind where you no longer can possibly violate any ethical concept. And also, we don't have to try to control ourselves anymore. When we give ourselves over to it, when we enter into it and surrender to our true nature, it is not only harmless, but benevolent. That's the key. And you can put into practice, and have been successful by certain people over the centuries, a gate of this uprightness, this complete giving up of everything, and even being, you don't want to be what the Buddha said. But you don't have to do anything to make that happen.

[38:31]

You've got to live life moment by moment as a period. And again, I say that as the ability even to contemplate such a useless and unattractive meditation is only because of your true nature and you're willing to use it to practice. When you think about it, you might be willing to try, you might be willing to get into it. You need more than just the possibility that it's going to make you happy. That won't be enough. It isn't just the idea, the selfish idea that this is going to be good for me and good for other people. I'd say it wouldn't be strong enough to sponsor you to do this hard work. It's your true nature that's really going to support you in doing it. And your true nature is that you're perfectly happy to do this small work and everything goes well. It's the same with your true nature to be who you are and completely embrace it as who you are. It's our small self that's

[39:38]

existing and coming into the talk, our small self, giving you courage to be a small self. Questioner 2 I'm going to stop. I don't know why I want to do it. I just don't want to stay. I think that some of the other ideas, maybe that whiteness, is a wonderful idea. It seems that there are many things that you could contemplate that are also being engaged around you. For example, a lady that came to the lecture and said, instead of talking about whiteness, she spoke about meaning and not meaning. Meaning and not meaning has to go from meaning and not meaning to another person. Meaning and not meaning are not complete. And if you behave that way for 25, 30 years and practice that, you'll also be able to engage with other people.

[40:39]

That's right. If they have done that, then I'm sure they have. It turns out they haven't because there's other people sitting up there for now that haven't. And they never lean against, except as a kind of demonstration that they're human, then occasionally they lean against things. But they didn't. They're all human. They're all set up like that. Dealing with, as much as possible, the fact that human beings are always struggling with gravity. So no matter what position you're in, you're working with gravity. So how can you most appreciate what you're already working with? And any posture that you can most readily be aware of the fact that you're working with gravity, that's up there. And if leaning against a tree would help you be most aware of how you lean against a tree, then that would be up there. Okay? Does that make sense? If it were true that when I'm doing this, that doing this, and actually leaning against

[41:53]

this helped me be aware that I'm doing this thing called leaning against this thing, then that would be uprightness. That would be an opportunity for uprightness. And uprightness wouldn't be leaning against a thing. Uprightness would be being aware that I'm leaning against this thing. The uprightness would be being aware that I'm doing the prominent leaning against this thing. And if leaning against this thing was a situation where most people were leaning against walls and trees, most people who did that became very aware that they were doing that, then that would have probably been a nice school of Buddhism. But in fact, my experience is that when I lean against things like this, usually I'm less aware of how I feel. I get kind of like lazy. I can't stand this anymore. I'm nervous. And then I don't have to pay attention to what I'm doing. When I'm doing like this, it's kind of like this. It's embarrassing. I have trouble with this. Because here I am

[42:58]

balancing. But if it were the case that I could be aware here, then I think what you want to do is you want to eventually be able to be aware here too. This mechanic is harder. But any posture where you're aware of what you're doing, the awareness of what you're doing is the uprightness. And if you're in a leaning posture and you are aware, then that is uprightness. And the uprightness then is the gate. The posture is only then the opportunity to practice uprightness. And the posture that most helps you be aware of what you're doing, that's the most upright posture. And for most people, sitting without being in something is a posture that's more

[44:00]

likely for them to be aware of what they're sitting in. But not for everybody. Some people might be leaning on something to do it more. I just don't know anybody. I sometimes do workshops where I go from one posture to another and then be re-evaluated. Standing, walking, lying down, and sitting. You feel the difference in your awareness in those different postures regardless of how you lean. You can see this in the posture. You can see the difference in the range you have in those different postures. I won't tell you the results that I've done. It's also said in our text that uprightness, sitting upright, has nothing to do with sitting I don't think it does. I think if you have to eat, you very much want to be able to practice sitting upright. But for most people, sitting seems to be a good tool to help them with

[45:07]

that. But there's other, from all the other postures. I have a question. I'm thinking what you're saying. I thought you were going to say literally. Yeah. So, for example, if you're doing something cruel and you are completely aware that it's a cruel action, is it for you to have uprightness? Yes. Well, being aware that you're doing a cruel thing is correct, isn't it? You're right that you think that. You're right that you think that. It is correct that you think that you're doing a cruel thing. Or it's correct that somebody else is telling you that you're doing a cruel thing, and you agree with them or don't agree with them. Right? That's right, isn't it?

[46:07]

We're caught in words. Yeah, we're caught in words. We're caught in words, so how can we use these words to set ourselves free? Think of an example where you're doing something cruel, and you think you're doing something cruel, and you think it's an example, isn't it? And you're, right while you're doing it, you think it's cruel. And how do you feel about it? Nature? Yes. You feel kind of a little sick, don't you? Yes. Nature. Now, I say that uprightness is the thing that helps you see the association between the sickness and the cruel. And uprightness is opening you up to the ground where you can see that the reason one doesn't

[47:15]

feel so good about being cruel to somebody is because they're new. So recently my daughter did some things which seemed very irresponsible, and after being late, and being late again, and being late again, and then she was supposed to meet us at a certain time, but it didn't happen, now we're late. When we left, and she called up later and said to come and get her, I said, well, I'm home. But I felt a little sick, it was a little bit cruel for me to be like an angel of vengeance or whatever it was. I just felt like I had to join in doing it with the methods of people that don't like that, they're just up to push you forever. But I felt also a little sick trying to walk home. Because she might get hurt, or get cold, so I felt sick.

[48:23]

So somehow, I wasn't in the good of mind at that time such that I could somehow save my daughter from the spot, from her evil ways, from penetrating a lightbulb through the phone. So I put my foot down and said, you know, this is too much, I've gone up, I've postponed, this has been several times today, I've been up to 16 years old, I've been cruising all over the Bay Area for three days, keep yourself. But I was some cool figure, and there was some lack of awareness that she was me. There was some feeling more like, she's not me, and she's got to realize that the way she's behaving is somehow not me. It's not me that she was late and late and late and late, it was not me. But really, it wasn't.

[49:29]

This is the way the world was making me at that time. Her being that way made me me. I couldn't do it. That's where it goes. Hm? That's where it goes. Hm. And I acted from that place of not understanding that my daughter was teaching me who I was. And most people would sympathize to some extent with my dilemma. So I had a little uprightness in that I noticed that I felt a little sick because I was somewhat cruel to this monster. Who was me. The monster was me. I couldn't face that she was me, so I treated her like a monster and pulled her away from me. But at least I was aware of whether or not, so I could actually sense that I felt sick.

[50:37]

So later, when I was asked how I felt when I said that, I said, well, I felt sick. And the person who helped me said, I feel sick too. And yet, somehow, I feel that. So now, that uprightness in me, I can probably go again next time I see her, maybe I can enter into my awareness of her, of my teacher, of her, when I see her as her. Another name for this awareness is self-receiving and self-employing awareness, where you see that everything you receive and employ in your life is yourself. So, if I want to the next time I see her, which might be tonight, might be tomorrow, I will try to be there and look at her and find my way into my real relationship with

[51:38]

her, which is really who I am. Who I am is my true relationship with all beings. Yes. Yeah, I agree with that. Oh, yeah? Am I wrong? Yeah. And that's because part of what we're doing is separate from you. And unless you also step back and say, well, I'm just a person. I'm actually going to do these things and also be open to the process of doing my study. You're actually going to make me a part of it. It's a helpful thing to do, actually. So, it seems like when you want to keep on being a part of something, you want to be able to say, yes, I too am in this situation.

[52:41]

You're getting into a different type of dynamic. And it has to be in the sense that you're opening up to the control in your mind of who you feel like you are. You can't control everything. There's something going on. And so you can't turn out to be a brother or sister. And you're doing your life. You're doing your career. You're there. She's not here. You have to hold onto her. Maybe she gets wet. And that's just the way you do it. Right. We're there wrong. They're wrong. And time doesn't even pick up. We're there wrong. And it's another way. Right. I'm not saying that I should sit there and think that I'm perfect.

[54:25]

I'm not saying that I should say, OK, she's mean, so I should go pick her up or something. But it's true. She has to separate from how they're mean. That's what you have to do. We have to help her leave. So that's our idea. And actually, I don't think I did the wrong thing by not picking her up. I don't think I didn't. Even if I was cruel, I don't think it was wrong that I was cruel. I just wish that somehow I could have done the same thing. And that would have been fine. And then you're like me. I find that I almost hold you up. It would be better if you feel that way. And then there's no grudge. That's how we see our community. I don't feel that I'm right for it. I feel like, I'm not sure exactly whether I should apologize or not.

[55:27]

I kind of feel like, I guess I feel like what I'm proposing is that by being very aware of all that's going on with me, some vague possibility feeling, a little bit that I didn't do so well, that I wasn't very kind, and all those feelings that I'm going to have, that I have now, that I might have when she gets home, plus also the feeling I'm going to have when I see her face and so on and so forth. If it looks one way, I'm going to feel one way. If it looks another way, I'm going to feel another way. All this is going to be happening to me. I guess what I'm proposing is that if I can be there with all that's going on with me, that's my best bet for entering into a mind where, even if I think that she's in there, but where I understand that I'm acting there, and I still might say, who knows, I might say, and the next time, I won't pick her up either. I might say that, but I might not say that. I just don't know what would happen. I think it's entering into this openness that we're feeling here.

[56:29]

But I'd rather than think I was lying to myself. And I also think that I do think, you know, you can go pick her up because you think you're going to get hurt, but you might pick her up and have a car accident. And she might have gotten home safely without you picking her up. However, if you pick her up and have a car accident, you still might make a point that somehow you feel like this is too much. This is too much respect. And you want to tell her that you feel that way. And one way to say it is walk home. Because if I say to her, look, you know, I'm disappointed. You've done this three times today and I'm really disappointed. She says, okay, okay, I got it, I got it. It's enough. Halfway through the first sentence, you know, it's enough. She does get it. But she doesn't want to let you finish the sentence. They're smart. They know what you're going to say. But walk home, they don't stop you in mid-sentence there.

[57:34]

So you can kind of express yourself. Monster. They have to be, otherwise they wouldn't let him go. They're so cute, right? It would be all worth it, right at the time. And you know, she doesn't treat her friends this way, you know. They won't put up with this. Right on time. Get me there on time. I got a million of them waiting for me. She's trying to bond with them, right? Make friends. She's not trying to separate from them. She doesn't say, okay, we'll be there right on time. Hey, a good girl. But with us, opposite. Yes? Pardon?

[58:46]

Right. Right. That's what I've been saying. Thank you. Huh? Well, see, the part where I think, the part where I'm not sure about is I don't, I was having trouble being present with myself because what she was doing was sticking these needles in, you know. I'm kind of going, I don't want to be here, you know. I don't think I was really there with the pain of what she was doing to me. And therefore, if I was really there, I might have done the same thing, but I would have felt like, am I here? Is this coming from being here? You know, I might have been able to say, with more joy, you can take a walk. You know, but I was a little bit kind of like, you know, what if she says no, or what if she says, but I can't do it, Daddy, I'm not safe, Daddy, Daddy. What if she says that, you know. I wasn't, you know, I was not really there.

[59:51]

I think if I was, I think it would have been, I might have said exactly the same thing, but I think I would have felt better. At least at that moment. Maybe when she called back a few minutes later, everything would be different. Who knows what she would have said. She did call back later. And she said, is it an option that I don't come home? What are you people so sympathetic about? You had experiences like this or something? But that's my faith. My faith is if I could be there with pain, I would come up with a miracle. Not I would come up with a miracle. A miracle would happen. A miracle might be walking home. And it still might hurt.

[60:53]

But it might be a miracle. A real miracle. I think I couldn't appreciate the miracle because I slipped from the pain of what she was bringing me all day. God. I wish I could say there was nothing. But there actually was something. A real bad man. And when I was sitting waiting for about half an hour, you know, it's kind of involved like a trip for half a month. And it's, you know, if my wife hadn't been there, I probably would have stayed longer because it's hard to tell whether I was instinctive or not by waiting. But since she was there, you know, somehow I could feel like, well, I guess this is long enough. I'll talk to somebody else about it. I probably would have waited longer if I hadn't been by myself. Even though I was the one who put her on the bed. And when I was waiting, I was thinking,

[61:54]

somehow waiting for certain things, you know, you're fine. You have an hour, six hours, no problem. But waiting when somebody's pushing you like pushing a big string. But how long is it just for them? It's hard. It's confusing. It's a real test, you know. You said that the pain is a delusion. But couldn't you also say that the pain is a delusion? Yeah, the pain is a delusion, yeah. But I was having trouble accepting it. So what I'm proposing for myself and you is to accept these delusions. I don't think pain really is a delusion, but if you want to call it a delusion, fine. All the more, embrace it. And I was having trouble embracing the pain throughout the day. And then the final one I had trouble with. And then there was another one I had trouble with. So I'm just saying, embrace the pain, embrace the delusion,

[62:54]

and let you take it out, let you take it in, to unwind. And again, I think a miracle did happen, but I didn't see it. I didn't understand it. I think a miracle would happen all the time, but we don't see them because we don't think this is a miracle. We don't think the pain is a miracle. So then the next thing that happens, we don't think it's a miracle either. It was actually a miracle that I said, take a walk, walk home. That was a miracle. First time I was ever able to do that. I've been waiting for years to do that. I've been trying it for years. I've been saying, you can walk home pain-free. Every other time she talked me out of it. This time, I got it out. And my wife even sort of stood there and kind of said, then she told me a story between the two telephone calls about what happened to somebody else who was struck with her kid. So I was hoping for a miracle, but then I was called. Like, I don't know what it was going to be, but... So I don't think we make the miracles, I think we see them,

[63:56]

but we're willing to accept what's happening as though it were a miracle. As though we could easily accept it. And pain is... Pain and so on is what we have trouble being there for. And we also have trouble with other things, too. Like, we have trouble being there for gravity and balancing. That's kind of the pain, too. Why do I have to sort of, like, balance? Couldn't I just... Couldn't somebody else do this? Couldn't the wall do it? Yes. Yes. I don't know what you mean.

[65:04]

I don't know. I wasn't worried about what was happening. What was going to happen. I worried for a few seconds about what might happen. But when she called the second time, and then I wasn't worried because she was going to stay at a friend's house. I wasn't worried about anything. I knew she was safe from that thing. But I was worried about the way I did the right thing. Because I was worried that I... That I made a irreparable wound in the relationship. I was worried about that. But again, in this outrageous, bold language, I'm ruining my relationship with her. I'm making a permanent wound in her. And I'll be a miracle. And I think that's just what it means. I could probably see whether it was a miracle or not if I had been willing to deal with the pain of all the things that I felt from all the things she was doing to me. I think my main fault that I can see is my laziness and being really present in what she was doing. I didn't feel present in her at all.

[66:04]

So I couldn't see the beauty of her story. But now that I'm talking to her about it, it's looking better. I wonder if I was talking to a bunch of teenagers. They probably would have said yes and they would have been bonding with me, right? Right? How do you... How do you do it? Say something about what you just did there. How do you... How do you practice it again? Well, do you understand... Do you understand how you're practicing with everybody right now? No.

[67:08]

It's not your fault you're here. No, me neither. Now, some people think, you know, that I've got like 95 people and I'm practicing with them and they're just supposed to listen to blah, blah, blah. But still, it's going to be hard to expand out to actually see and understand with your consciousness how you're practicing what I'm doing. That's why this self-enjoyment awareness is not reached by consciousness. Consciousness can only reach a large number, a small to a large number of people. You cannot reach... You cannot understand how you're practicing with all sentient beings. You cannot understand how you're practicing with the people who are at war in this world. You can't understand that. You can think about it a little bit, but there's a limit. There is a way that we all are working together in this world and practicing together. The gift of the world. That's Buddha's mind. And that's not... That's not mind in the sense of consciousness.

[68:10]

That's only by no mind. And it's also no Buddha either. It's not an experience. You don't experience it. It's not an experience. What is it you experience? It's illumination. Illumination reaches into you, but you don't go into the illumination. Our consciousness doesn't go in to the light, but the light comes into us. It's not... In that sense, that's when it's not symmetric. The way you make yourself open to receiving it is by being willing to be in the dark. In the darkness and pain of that. That darkness,

[69:12]

in its fullness, comes to light. It's full light. The light is already there. It's never at least a bit separate. As a matter of fact, the actual way of darkness, the way darkness actually is, is it's bright light. Delusion itself is awakening, precisely, exactly. But we have trouble getting into the precision of our delusion. But, when my daughter comes home, if I can get into the precision of my delusion, I don't have to call myself deluded. Just get into the precision of the way I'm thinking, the way I'm talking, and being there with the precision of the pain that I feel being with her, and the uncertainty I feel. And also, things are flashing, you know, it's like a dance. It's very intense, changing so fast. How can you keep up with it? It's hard. And yet, we're there. How can we keep up with this triggering waters of such a relationship?

[70:15]

When basically, it's a life and death matter. Her health is at stake. She's got to get out of it. And she knows it. And she's given me tremendous authority. And she has to separate from that. I didn't... I have trouble realizing how much authority she's been judging on me. And how much she has to fight for me. And get it back. She gave it to me. She needs it back. Get out. How can you remember that someone's doing that to you? And that's why all this high-speed, all the techniques are happening. And... And... What were we talking about? Yes? When I think...

[71:17]

I never think of this question as a life question. How? What? Where? Who? What would be the reason that... That a person who's... who walks this path, would ever try to change anything in their life? What would motivate a person to try to save their time in order to help another person? Pain. Pain. Is a motivation. It's a primary motivation. Upfront motivation is pain and misery. The background motivation is a vague... A vague feeling of needless. A vague yearning to go back someplace that we really were. That's the thing about... Those two are the basic motivation. That puts an end to the path.

[72:20]

Once you're in the path, you have to sort of forget about that approach. Not have to, but I'm recommending. Once you're into it, once you've made your will, your wish, to become free of misery and to help everybody else be the same because you see the logic of that. Because there again, it's the logic of what you are. The logic of what you are is that you've got to help everybody else if you want to be happy. But that's why I can't just get into a path and forget it. I'm the leader. I'm sitting in a position where I'm the leader. Right, because you doing it is not what it is. It's not another karmic activity. The misery that we experience is because we think we can do things. And we think we can do Buddhism too. Because we think that way, we suffer. And when we first start practicing, we think practice is like that too. And so in a sense, when we first approach practice and try to do it,

[73:22]

we move away from that. But we have to do that. And then the teaching says, you came here to do it and you've now moved it backwards. So now, drop that and do it this strange way which is not your idea of how to do things. And look for this way of practice which is illumination and faith at the same time. And it's selfless. It's not something that only you might exalt. And yet, skill levels have increased. You can get better at surrendering. Because surrender is not something you can do. If you're so good at it, you haven't really given up. You're still in the driver's seat. Surrender. And now, surrender. Surrender is not like that. You have to give up even pulling the levers or dropping to the floor a little bit. But the simple, very simple, very simple but hard to understand way

[74:22]

is be yourself as you're experiencing yourself in this limited way. And again, the logic here is that the reason for being is because the reason for adopting this mode is because you can't do that by yourself. So actually, you're entering into the mind of all beings. And you're entering into the mind that you can't understand when you're doing things with everyone. And from that mind comes this incredible ability to do these wonderful things. But you don't do it for wonderful things to happen. But you act from this transcendent ability to see it happening and to be able to see your actions coming from there with the aid of everyone. And some days, you can actually see it. Everything you can see, everyone's helping you do this. Everything's a miracle. The minutes,

[75:23]

seconds, hours, days, you can see everything's a miracle. The entry into that is to see that you only think certain things are miracles. And if they happen, you see a miracle. If they don't, you don't see miracles. And when they're not happening, you don't see a miracle. And not seeing miracles is pain. This is an anti-miracle brain. You know? This is pain. And that's what's happening. And that's happening because this is the way I'm thinking. I'm thinking this way, and this is a painful way of thinking. And this is the way I'm thinking. And I'm willing to think the way I'm thinking. But only because that's what's happening. I mean, if I wouldn't, like, get myself to think this way, I'd be sick. It just happens to be I'm thinking this way, and it just happens to make me feel sick. And that's a perfect demonstration of what's happening.

[76:25]

But I notice that I'm having trouble being here with this, and I'd rather be somewhere else than bringing in somebody else to sit here. And in fact, I just did that, and that feels wrong, too. But when I turn around and sit on myself like that, usually, then I say, OK, if I did it wrong, I'm here. Give it to me. If I was wrong, I'm here to take it. Let's see. So I don't know, you know, whether it was beneficial to her. Something happened there. She got some message. Now, I'd like to find out what the message is. When I see it, I say, what did you think I was saying? Maybe she won't answer me. I don't know. But I'm going to try to find out what was going on with her when I said that. How does she feel about it? I've heard, I wonder, that she feels totally wrong. Maybe a couple of days later, now, maybe she'll feel different.

[77:27]

I will inquire. That's part of what I wanted to do at that time. Maybe I won't inquire. Maybe I won't give anything. Maybe I won't produce anything to say anything about her. I don't know. Maybe that would be a miracle, if I can accept how painful it is to be such a disinterested, neglectful person. You know what I mean? So now, if you want to stand up for a little while, stretch your legs, and we'll sit down again. And if when you sit down, you have pain, and you really accept your pain, then you might feel good about you know, moving your legs. Mm, that's enough. Mm, that's enough.

[78:21]

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