Given on Thursday, October 22, 2009
About this talk
Being fully aware of our perceptions, of good and bad things; being authentic versus looking good; meditation as a safe place to meet what is arising.
Good morning. Excuse me according your opinion. And your break. If you'd like you can move. In or something here. You can stay where you are. You. Know what Christmas spirit will. So again good morning. At the top with little bit it sounds good to hear Dermot talk. First of all I'd like to mention that. You know what I have to say it's not something for you to. It's not a case or so obvious that I know something that you don't but it's a way of our spending time together. And it's a way for me to. Say things that in some way. Stimulate activate your own thinking or perhaps shifted slightly It's not that I have you know the correct routes and you go or go if you go to school. TEACHER So it's something to tell you and then you're supposed to learn what they tell you and be able to. You know the proper understanding. That kind teaching can be measured. You know whether you can add or subtract or. You know you know what indications you know what indicates what supports. According to be looking according to common interests. So this isn't that kind of teaching or. And in that sense that I know something you know that you don't do or so in that sense it's more like. Ongoing conversation. And so it's also means that you know again to destroy later deception you know at lunch we have a quick answer so if you have things to say about what I've said or responses or. When you. Take up a chink is to continue discussion forums. It's lawyers an important point. Against something secure she talked about. And you said one morning thank you students and I know things that you don't know which are you. Idea. It means. Some capacity to find your way or to find your way in your own life and to see peers what you see and you stay where you come to understand. And in some ways I think if you sometimes that is the. Most important point. That you are willing to experience things for yourself to perceive. To trust what you perceive and. What you perceive in observing as a Course difference and what you think once you translate it into thinking and you may. Have accurately described what you perceived you observed. For instance communication skills workshops. Can you describe what you observed with evaluating it so you know people say things that you make me mad. Is that something you. Are perceived. You know it's a story you just told you so when we were searching from start sending when you scared. I didn't take care of my right when I agreed to take care of it when you said whatever it was when you said I became mad I just given you made me mad. Returned things very quickly and thinking rather than being able to do what actually happened. Kristie comes up and cooking crisis I would tell the story. In Europe I ask people to taste something close to say what should somebody in the room. What should we be tasting. How much salt you know did you put in there. To get with my fingers put it in here and I tasted it how much was that. Because you know and it's just fundamental because a lot of good time read read would be bright. And you actually perceive herbs or something. And you just taste what's in your mouth there's not something right can you connect your consciousness with your taste with the sensations of taste can you connect your consciousness with the experience to having or you know it can if it's not to write or do you get saved it's not the right experience to be having I don't want to have it I'm not going to have a long experience thank you anyway and then sometimes you end up with the wrong experience that's what happens to a small group with the wrong one and what it and then when we have an unpleasant experience or say what did I do wrong it's just an unpleasant experience it's pleasant that's reality you know absolutely no all of us were absolute unpleasant experiences some of the things you perceive absurd will be unpleasant. Some of the sensations would be unpleasant feelings for being close and demotions again. But thoughts will be unpleasant so. In some ways. Very. Crucial to our lives and crucial to Buddhist understanding. And being able to perceive. For yourself and know for yourself what's what in your own awareness you know what. You know what's what clearly accurately. Write you think it's what you made me mad you make me happy how does anybody getting in like. Sort of the basic. Realities. Control somebody actually experience. And make you happy or create. It. Six months later a year later three years later I guess you're not doing it anymore. If you're right. Sir this is. You know interesting to study you know what's important here to be able to control somebody else's feelings. You know or to meet them and connect with what you're feeling so you know personally I'd like to be able to control your feelings I'd like you all to have a great time here and be really happy and if you're saying. I don't I don't I don't want that at all you know I want you to have your experience and to be able to own it or to actually have your experience good or bad. Happy sad pleasure to have your experience taste it carefully clearly become intimate with your experience. And this is one of the big advantages of medication is that it's pretty hard to say you make me happy or sad. You're sitting there it's you in the wall it's case to your little sticks crossing it. Can you blame for this thing that waited once you get into a relationship or you know other situations it will sometimes be hard you make it you make me sad you make me mad when one's doing this. So this morning. To continue staying in I want to talk with you a little bit more about you know it's it's part of the difference between kids and. Understanding and you know as kids certain things are very important and healthy and good. But then if you go on being a kid for the rest of your life it's you know more and more become so that's a risk to be able to. Go on being a kid and so in some ways we could also say send practice or just music growing up. That look like so you know part of. It you know it's a magical thinking and it's taking responsibility. You know it's healthy as a child to take responsibility for what's going on in that room in the family and it starts when we're very little. Perhaps even in a way but certainly once or once we're born. You know we're just going to feel what's in that room and we don't know whose it is if you feel if there's anger neuron appeal anger and you want to know mom you know angry do. Dads upset or. Process or you want to know if there's stress or anxiety you want to know that it's being a financial issues. So as a child we pretty quickly you know you were tried and you know it's babies we want we try to do something about that how are you going to fix it it's painful it hurts and you know what's going on but you want to fix it so there's various ways to fix these things. And you know it's babies learning and we continue to learn as. Children how to fix things where we're not even thinking about conceptual bodies people you know we start to try to fix this and how can you behave so. Experience doesn't happen again. Experience. And sometimes you babies will cure what's in the room when they cry because it hurts and then you know dad say Don't cry I love you so. If I love you didn't cry Don't be unhappy don't be sad Don't be scared right it's kind of ironic because you're just feeling what's in the room it's probably not theirs but it's feeling your feelings and they're crying and you're being and you don't cry so we learn you know to do basically you know approval seeking behaviors which sort of simply says don't cried and pretty soon you don't cry they tell you not to Carbonite you so everything is good and you know what you are allowed to feel whatever dollars you are feeling it you know maybe what it's about to make you cry or made you cry made you cry you just feel words in the air. Were made to you he will make you rich from it comes from our experience maybe when you're a baby you are made to you don't have the capacity to. Thinking about things and not conscious in that way. You don't know until you know between three and four years old what's the difference between me and you know it could mean the same people who cared really she still rare should be back and it takes a long time to learn these things so we're trying to say this in are as adults and we can still think. What's important we can think what's important is to behave in a way that the others are not upset is it true because Dad if they don't get upset that would show to me and I'm OK I'm OK person if they get upset and I'm I must have done something wrong since child thinking I must have done something wrong about others or upset I must have done something. And I made them upset they had no capacity on their own to. Observe and study or know or understand. You know and if they get upset it's not because they were tired or they have the flu who are sick or they have financial worries if it bigot upset it's my fault I did I made that can so I have to try to be careful to behave in a way that doesn't upset when it doesn't cause them any problems and then we keep trying to do that it's adults you know as adults we think. I'm grown up now I could get better because. If I behave well enough and especially if I become a Buddhist. Who can get upset with me being a Buddhist I may be one thing if I was selling junk bonds people could be upset with me but I'm a Buddhist. How could anybody be upset about that So anyway there's a there's a point where we think what's important is. I behave in a way that Nobody's upset and I behave in a way that. You know I can. I can get better at doing drinking and being the person I should be so that nobody's upset so that I am not upset because if I'm in any kind of pain I must have done something wrong. People will coach assume that when we're little too if you're unhappy or scared or instead. You know mom and mom and dad say what's wrong. They don't say. Oh you seem really sad and wonder what happened. What's wrong what's wrong it's not something I did it. So we're stating obvious what's actually going on in Kenya actually perceive and observe what happens and notice when you're thinking or understanding and thinking you're standing right. And so you know a child's idea of trust. Is I trust you know to hurt me. I trust you not to hurt me and if you do you meant to and I deserve it. The child's understand I trust you know dirt me and if you do you may cheer and I deserve it so whether it's mom and dad or you know it's sort of higher power why do so in the Old Testament version or do something that gets approved and you're going to get it's going to hurt you. I get you loving would it's for your own good. So you don't you know sensibility but trust it I can trust my observations and my perceptions sometimes I notice the things that experience is a place and sometimes I notice their place it would. Notice that I don't seem to have to be to make all my experiences one F. King or. Replace And I don't seem to be able to do that no matter how hard I try. Contract when I try hard enough I make myself long for not being successful. In making everything pleasant and critiquing wonderful I must be bad I must be wrong because I can't do that what's wrong with me I'm a bad person and I deserve to be punished because I can't make my experience and everybody else in school senior students excessively happy pleasant wonderful positive so something wrong with me what's wrong with me I write fixes I don't fix me so this is a whole body of you know way of being a king king of living. You know aimed at. Doing and. Being able to control your experience and other people's experiences and when things are unpleasant or unhappy or painful. Somebody is to blame probably me. Some people get to be good at blaming others. Most of the time. We've become good at blaming ourselves. You know the most common kind of life and I plus I'm I'm not good enough it's my fault if I was better then. Things like this would just not be happening to me it could be happening to somebody else is not that good but not to me so if you were to be starting one would begin just Eddie you know what's important here. Most of us need to keep shifting or just in our idea of what's important and so one of the ways I describe shifting from performance to present performances where you. Have a good performance looking good. And. Behaving properly and well and nobody except it were to. Think of things you're. Able not to notice him. And this is a. Proponent seize up in times. The more we can be and to mark the world better we are being a performance to actually notice what's going on because at some point it becomes impolite and. You know to notice what's actually going on. I trust you not to hurt me and if you do you meant to really actually. Feel hurt you know personally is happening we've heard does that mean somebody meant to include Does that mean you deserve it and that kind of thinking her chewing chipping or are can I perform better so that Christers and happen and performance. Is also by the way you know associated with disassociation connected with dissociation. And things that really painful those children and we just you know it's psychologically weak without having to think about it or making signals you know are striking miners how to disassociate disassociate is to not be aware of what's going on to just not have anything connect anything I'm talking from personal knowledge I'm not talking. People who when you're just so shaded going you're able to say things like if I could stand was lost that would be a step forward but. Dissociation you six your experience is not connecting with your thinking is not connecting with your feelings it's not connecting with your emotions. Thinking next you're not they are if you were there would be tripping procedure certain things would be too painful so you have to go psychologically you know your striking is to just go away I'm not here again jitter you can just you're just somewhere else and it was somewhere else. You know we. Were all to somebody you know I was capacity to some degree service. Stream a professional. It takes a serious steady to shift. To sit in to see it to connect him associate. It seems. To me. Yes it will make it hard to predict connect. Anything. Anything good. It's a kind of yeah it's a kind of defense it's a kind of a way to like if something gets a little unpleasant you just are not going to be there and you actually have connection meetings. You're choosing to. Meet yourself and meet others and meet circumstances meet situations and server perceive what's going on and there's a it's not always but going to be pleasant. And then can you. Show up for what's not close in this roast or what's present I miss what I call presence shifting from a performance to present riches I also called showing up and show up and then you own up you know show up and own up oh happy i'm scared i'm sad oh you're. Unhappy scared sad and growing. And growing presence is to be able to. Just in the simplest form is just. It's not trying to fix it it's not trying to make it go away beds going to be directives the approval seeking the I will. I can fix that and I can handle that I can. Can relate to we are going to get some permission to just notice and perceive what's going on and not just kind of like try to marginalize the. Pain mitigate it. So this is why. I may say so who says wide most of the world you know is not searched medication. But it could maybe you know nicer you know at some point you can get better and better meditation so that you know you can. You can disassociate while you're sitting right you know that it's more challenging to satiate where you're sitting than it is in your regular life. You. Just you know when you get when you get enough meditation in unity to sit disassociate but that's where we step people hitting you with a stick come back here show up. You know right now you can just wander off to be someplace else and you know who's going to find you. Well you know if you can get. Yeah where where are connecting with something and at the same time. You know this connection you know more and more can do so I just you know it's one of the things that can happen in the station with a large see if they say largely meditation means you're going to be present you're going to show up you're going to own up I've got all this thinking going on. My leg search you know you're actually you know in the midst of all this stuff going on in there you live with it. And you're not able to and then you say to yourself I can't do this I can't make this the way I want to be I can't make it do you to put picture perfect and peaceful and calm. You know and then and then and then you either say so I'm not going meditate every state well I'm going to stay with it but. You know if you're going to be if you're going to try to beat me. Can you maybe you know a lot of times I think people strategy this is again what's your strategy going to be do I just stayed in me in my comfort zone and lived a life that I can handle and do well and people to agree to save me. Or do I end up wondering up into areas that I'm not very good at and I can't make it make sure to get medication is one of those places where you're not going to be able to make a picture perfect answer largely it's an occasion right you if you own up you show up and you own up to what's actually happening and into the fact that you can't make it as presented well and you know preventable you know as a performance or a picture as you would like so and then you go oh OK since I can't do that and little by little and over and over again you become convinced of that so now what do I do maybe I could learn to actually be with all of it's that it's less than perfect it's not my picture it's not my idea and I can learn to be with other stuff and that's you know but when you decide when you're just so shape it's sad if your control and you get dissociated knowing it's like we don't need to worry about what's going on we're just sitting here and we'll just wait for it to be over and and then look far give it up when it's to go out we can set up a little weddings and it's got setting up a little yesterday and then you can you can have a little place to hang out and make it kind of spiritual there and it's you know this is I give you an example of this morning the examples I've been thinking of lately is people here like Buddhism which are like well equity when if you could have equity. You know like equity you could you could you could you would you wouldn't have Mr magic items and those you just have equity. NET so great. That could give me. Equity That would be running so I could get me. You know in some way say you know equity is not something that you can practice. You know exactly I mean you can practice but going to mini literally is. That you have that same feeling the same take on pleasure and pain pleasure and unpleasant it's the same key you bet second it Woody but you know what people think it's if I had I couldn't. Think. That's the point that is the point that true equity of any air is oh this is painful Oh this is pleasant and and you're able to meet dad you know it's the same because you're just going to meet whatever shows up. OK shell out. What's your writing and it's a thank you and you don't go like oh I don't want this I want bad and you know it's like the world is a restaurant or something I'm sorry it's got to be able to order what you want it so this is true I can imitate you know it's to actually have the experience and it's the same but in fact what happens when people hear acronym it is I will I will be careful not to experience the things that might upset me so and then I can and then I have a community so I can have a you know and if I'm not getting it in my meditation and I can meditate and if my work is too stressful you know are not going to get another job and but you know sometimes it's important to get another job. That sounds a little bit like you say she should. Strive to break. Free. Means for me. Three series which I would. Like to speed it. Big things interesting. It's. OK. It's OK. Yes OK I'm. OK. I'm OK Meaning you. Actually yes. Because when you meet things. You don't know what will happen when you're not in church anymore and something appen suits. You know it's it's you know this is why. Joking about me. Going south. Asian is beyond human agency it's beyond you doing or not doing or you're not in charge anymore you not in control when you meet or you know when you stop going to the Martians and you step into. Your life into moment of your life when you're not in charge you don't know what will happen which comes up all the time in cooking Why don't people cook because they can't control it it may be last year it will be when we started yesterday would still be in the dark it when you when you really chill you step into you know you take your foot up the break and you actually make things and you need to get to go gate can or you're not you don't know what your reaction will be or know what will happen and so we're careful about meeting things because if I'm careful about meeting things I can meet things it's an absolute I can meet any more I know like I would use I would start to cry or I'll be angry I'll be frustrated so that meeting not let not taking it in as fully as I might and so you know we study these things we study we know. So and ideally again notation is a place where you can go ahead and meet what's arising because it's a safe place to do it and you can trust your trusting goodness it means to dive into the depths of your experience and have it when you actually die big gaps of experience things became clear and all of these concerns and you know the difficulty you're talking about about not being things when you're when you're on the surface not needing things and not getting into gaps that can be scary or upsetting or worried. You know anxiety or and I don't know what's going to happen in this looks to me like but when you get into it you actually can meet things can clarify things and perceive in know what's going on and respond to what's going on rather than responding to my take on what's going on from superficial perspective from the perspective. You know Will I still look at well I'd still be able to control my response and my reaction. And I look good in everything still be OK and. I mean. Like a I. Think. Any. Kind. Of thinking you know you. Yes. When you say. OK I think we have. This is what I heard this is what our society asked everybody to do you know and people look good you're in control I was talking with Marjorie yesterday about Cesar Milan because it's in Milan Marjorie the dog the dog whisperer he's in control so people love him you know if you expect selling books good teaching control. But millions of people buy his books and get its movies and step because there they think and this is the exact teachers to you know. The more good most popular teachers or teachers who are a masterful I'm calm and. I'm asking for and you know if if you grovel enough and do what I tell you one day you might be masterful to crack I am. Just so you but you see you're not smart enough to be with that kind of teacher. You know lost in the dark with the teacher write me I'm sorry so sorry for you but and you know. And then you know my way again E.G. cheers for you lot to read out of you know let's hang together here and you know rather than I know what to do I mean to tell you what to do and. You know it's also about being so preventable what's the what's the problem there I'm not I'm not clear about this the problem. That bothers people. Because it actually bothering them because they become unsafe might just stop that it's bothering me how do you know it's bothering them the last time I was in a place where somebody was crying I think we were all very. Fine arts went out to the person right I guess for you it's different when you're crying people kind of kind of like. OK Thank you. OK. You owe an explanation. Oh so they can't even if they market Richard explain yourself. That sounds like you talk to me. You know what's wrong and you explain yourself and that's where mom and dad come up and if you explain yourself. But that's but they get so that's a that's that that's an old one that's not a new one so I don't know that you need to explain yourself but you know maybe you do maybe maybe. It's not you but you but you feel so like I should be able to explain myself yes. I mean if you want if you want mom and dad to understand to be authorities you know the or the authorities. Rather get thirty's kilobits nets or anything else you need to explain yourself but you know so you may you may need to I don't know you may not be able to give it says that you can't do. That this is a big challenge by the way you're not the first person who can explain. You. Can't I think. OK. So. There's a difference here between you know part of what we're learning you're stating and giving you suggesting is how to be a good parent that you never had that you always wanted to see the bear you had apparently said to explain yourself. You know you owe it to us. Because we don't you know your experience is beyond us we don't really have no recollection of what it's like to have been little and smart and baby and. Not interested in having a good experience to grow up and explain yourself and whatever. But you know also that parent could have said Oh so you cry with that in the recent you don't and you don't know what the reason it is and you have no explanation for it. Is there more you want to tell me that. How was that for you Could you at you know shift our you relate to the fact that you can't explain things and nobody says you have to explain things and talk to yourself a little differently. Explain explanations are overrated because you can basically you know. It's what your heart feels and. Then there's an explanation is what your head thinks so what history I have to say but there is not much yes. OK. So what's important here to really be masterful or to be willing to be bought or go. You know I get some point you know after years and years of struggle you know to and you know sometimes you know people take years in practice in Kim same so take SR twenty or thirty years before you get convinced that you know you're not going to be able to be naturally what you thought you could send people just to not give up and it's very easily because they realize that they can try harder. Being married to a pro and capable and on top of things and. There's things happening you know you have you chipped in to vulnerability with i didn't happen to get cancer my goodness coming about. Or you know like job you know. Festering skin boils. But. You're being vulnerable anyway. So it's about time for us to call into the morning here. We're going to we're going to take an hour for lunch so I have about forty five so that means me back here at one forty five at which time we're going to have a question in secret. Period for you to bring up other concerns or interests or responses to. Gain and so forth and. From there. I hope this was OK it seems like. Constraints and marchers bring up this kind of related. So it's useful for you because. At some point you know I have to you know sometimes it's. Teachers can get into a particular kind of context or somebody's uncertain interest or was kind. Of like runs that have to do it. Anyway I had I was feeling like maybe it's relevant for everybody but you know it said you have something relevant for you but we didn't get to read after lunch please come forward show up own up that's up bring it up thank you have a good lunch going to. We absolutely chant co-chairing up for me I was but for lunch today with your bag lunch you're on your own so you know bag lunch today so you're talking about but again. But but again talking means what you get when I say talking you're still imitations I'll be your here in the area around the are you still quiet so if you're talking it's like when you get to lunch or when you get away from ice chill where you hear people have different strategies about this you know so I mean I mean Deborah and I have this kind of you know we distinguish in areas and places and boundaries and you know we see if we can do that if not we'll do something else you know it and it being what it is. But we'll try that thank you so one hour whatever your watch says.