Okay, well, good evening. I don't know about you, I'm getting really tired, so I may or may not talk for the usual or the required length of time. We might just change the requirements. We'll see how it goes. Sometimes, as you know, when you do something you get sort of energized and forget. So I might, you know, get energized and forget how tired I am. See what happens. So, first of all, I'd like to mention, thank you, thank you for your participation in our little theater piece, Deception, and all of your

[01:04]

performances. And I'm, you know, I have a small regret about two things. One is, I think it's kind of nice in the last piece if, you know, I actually encourage you, you know, like we got to a certain place there and I could have actually, we could have gone a little bit further, a little bit longer, and gone a little bit deeper with our feeling of, all those feelings you mentioned, the tenderness, gentleness, sweetness, discovery, curiosity, awe, you know, and what that was all like. It was, you know, it's pretty remarkable. And to notice the feeling in the room and to let it develop a little bit more so. Next time, oh well. And, and

[02:07]

then when we were sitting, oh my god, I felt so wonderful. And I was kind of sitting here glowing and I thought, oh I said, I said we'd sit for ten minutes. I got to keep my word. Oh well. And, you know, I could have just had you sit longer. I could have said, you know what, ten minutes isn't enough. We're sitting longer. Whatever. But, so, oh well. It's what it is. So, thank you for, for all of that. And you're good, you're good, delicious, sweet company. Being just a human being. In Zen it's called, you know, Linji, the Zen master Linji called it, well he said, you know, it's usually translated man of no rank, but, you know, person of no rank. And then there's a few things about that, of course, I'd like

[03:10]

to mention. One is, you know, it's a little tempting to think, okay, now I'll go out and do that. You know, kind of like, I'll go and be good, I'll go and be bad, I'm gonna go and be me. And you could institutionalize that and make it into something that, you know, is as stilted and limited as, you know, any of the other things that we were doing. Oh well. So, this, you know, we managed to do it, you know, letting go of being a certain way. Not having something in mind about how to be. And it's pretty awesome. The second thing I want to mention about that, so the first thing was, not such a good idea probably to try to make that

[04:11]

the new goal or standard. And the second thing is, nobody says that you have to be like that. In other words, you have choice. And there's no reason you should tell yourself, oh, I should be a person of no rank. I should just be a human being. That was really good. That's the way to be. So, if I'm not being like that, I could say, oh gosh, I'm not being the way I'm supposed to be. What's wrong with me? And you know, I need to be more open-hearted or whatever it is. And you could find ways that you're wrong or bad for not being that way, if you thought that was such a great way to be. You know, so this is what happens to us, you know. Then we set up new standards. And we actually have choice and, you know, and it's, and we actually have the capacity to be all those different ways. To be me and to be good and to be bad and to, you know, so we have a number of possibilities there.

[05:13]

And you know, way more. That's just, that's just top of the barrel, you know. And so we're studying how to, you know, what would be a good way in various situations. And you'll notice, you know, and over time you'll notice, you know, the advantages and disadvantages or, you know, things that work and limitations of any particular way of being. And then we say, you know, if the clay Buddha doesn't make it through the water, the wooden Buddha doesn't make it through the fire, change. You were, you know, be the Buddha of the moment or whatever, you know. Don't, don't exalt anything as the, as the new standard of the special way to be or the

[06:18]

way that you should be as a human being or as you or, you know, something. And sometimes, you know, what we're up to will work pretty well and sometimes it won't. And it's important in that sense, I think, you see, not to be attached to any particular standard of behavior, any, you know, what's the simplicity in, you know, being like, I want to be a certain way. And as soon as you believe you want to be a certain way, then you're going to have, there's going to be some emotional issues around that. You'll feel, you know, maybe happy when you think you're measuring up and you'll feel sad or disappointed with yourself or discouraged when you're not and, but you set yourself up for all of it. So you can notice what works and what doesn't work and then try something else.

[07:19]

And this isn't then finally about, you know, and so the self that you're being true to, you know, sometimes we say, well, be true to yourself or I said, you know, according to the Ziggurat, you should be true to yourself, express yourself fully. The self that you're true to is not, you know, the self that you can objectify. And who, who is this way, [...] and not this way, this way, this way, this way. And something you can actually establish. The self that you're true to is, it's not a self that can be objectified. So we're all, also we're, you know, besides someone that we can say I'm this and I'm that, we're also someone who can't be labeled. You know, who's doing the talking? If I say, I'm happy, I'm sad, who just said that? Well, I just said that. At some point there's the person who, and

[08:31]

who's that? Well, it's me, you know, and it can't, we can't get at it. We can't establish it. So that's the one we're true to, who's then capable of doing all these different things and capable of not sticking to any of them. And, you know, it doesn't need to. Isn't, you know, that's the self that isn't increasing or decreasing, isn't tainted or pure. You know, isn't born, isn't dead, doesn't die, and so forth. Boy, it's toasty in here. You guys got a good fire going. Wow. And I even took off some of my undergarments so I could

[09:34]

manage this. It's a lot anyway. Okay, so having mentioned all of that, I'd like to pick up some of the threads of some of the other things I've been talking about. And one of them is this notion of, and it is something to do with how to work with afflictive emotions, and it's the notion of having, considering the emotion as possibly being your teacher or having something to say to you. And some of these are, you know, pretty interesting to me, and seem to make sense to me, and they may or may not to you, and so forth. So you can try it out

[10:38]

and see. I mentioned the other day, for instance, I sit in meditation and getting very angry, or you know, and there's some anger which is saying, you know, this is stupid, this is ridiculous. You think you're being spiritual, you know, what load of, you know, whatever, manure, shit. And then you try to explain to your anger, no, this is Zen, this is spiritual, this is, you know, we're going to get enlightened, whatever. And your anger is not buying it. Why should your anger buy it? You just had some idea about how you were supposed to be, and there's a part of you that says, you know, this is ridiculous. We just did that exercise, remember? And whatever way you try to

[11:39]

be is only going to go so far. Anyway, so sometimes our emotion is fairly wise. And I mentioned to you saying, you know, to my anger, well, if you don't like the way I'm doing it, why don't you show me how you do it? And suddenly had, you know, all this energy, and that's, you know, like being bad, being angry, but being angry and sitting and, and then having a lot of energy and kind of buzzing, show you how to sit, you idiot, and whatever. So, but, you know, taking this a little bit further, you know, what I, and, you know, it took me probably two years of being angry before, you know, even got around to beginning to think that maybe if I was going to find out anything to do about anger, I'd have to get to know it. And essentially this, you know, this is also related

[12:45]

to what I've mentioned about relationship and friendship. How are you going to tell somebody something, you know, who's your enemy? And then you're going to tell them how to behave. I mean, we tried that in the Byron Katie work. How do they need to be or not be in order to please me? What you need, what you need them to do. And it's really hard, you know, it's really hard. You know, occasionally I've had friends without, you know, addiction problems and what do you,

[13:48]

what do you say, what do you do? I had one, one of my friends, you know, died of alcohol poisoning. He was, you know, a student at Tassara and became a priest. And he told this funny story one time about going to, his first session was in France with Deshimara Roshi's group. And you know, the French practice Zen in a French way. And Deshimara Roshi encouraged them to practice Zen in a French way. So, you know, like when I visited them, we had, we sat, so I was in in the morning. And I've never been to any other Zen center like this, but they had a big changing room

[14:53]

so you could come to the Zen center in your street clothes. And then you pop into the changing room, there's a men's room and a women's room. And you've got your robe there and you hang up your clothes, put on your robe, go and sit. And then the people in sitting, they had this fairly small room. So like in a room like this, you get 150 people in here or, you know, 80 something, you know, because they just sit, you just sit facing the wall. And then the next people come in, you sit facing the wall. And if the wall is full, you sit behind them. And it's not rows, it's just people on mass facing the wall. I mean, what's Zen without being in rows? But we did Zazen and then we did the service, we did bowing and chanting, all the chanting is completely in Japanese, all the Japanese dedications. And then

[15:55]

after that, we had a complete orioke breakfast with the complete meal chant in Japanese. Then you come out, take off your Rokkusu and your Okesa and sit down and they have a whole second breakfast. The ashtrays come out, the cigarettes, the espresso, the hot milk, the baguettes, the confiture. And everybody talks and smokes and drinks. And we did that Zen thing, okay. So my friend went to a Sashin with them. And this is years ago. And so at lunch the first day, you know, they serve wine with lunch. This is France. Sashin, Sashin, so they serve wine. So my friend after lunch,

[17:03]

later that afternoon, he's meditating, he's falling asleep. So the next day at lunch comes out and they have wine glasses out on these tables for lunch. And they go to serve him wine and he puts his hand over it, over the glass, you know, to say, no, thank you. Or, you know, in Zen, sometimes we raise our hand, no, thank you. And the server says to him, don't be attached to not drinking. No, no. And then this ends up being somebody who dies of alcohol poisoning, you know, who's ended up being an alcoholic and, you know, I forget, you know, died fairly young in his 50s. And, you know, for a while there, when he was at Zen Center, you know, he didn't have a drinking

[18:03]

problem as we don't drink at Zen Center. And so, you know, and he fell in love and he moved out of Zen Center and then his marriage, and then I married him and I did the ceremony for him and his wife. And then they got divorced and they had all kinds of problems. And then he was involved in selling real estate and ended up drinking too much for a number of years and didn't survive. So who knows what all that's about? But my point is, what do you say to somebody? How do you, I'm concerned about this, you know, and I'd like to see you do something or if there's anything I can help or so you try. But as you know, with certain issues in our lives, you know, people kind of, you know, some once in a while, you know, you'd said, well, we're going to intervene and, you know, we're taking you to rehab. And, but otherwise you kind

[19:08]

of wait and hope somebody really hits bottom and comes to a turn in their life or they do something because there's not much you can say. But anyway, I decided with my anger, you know what, I'm going to have to get to know this before I can actually know what to do because it's not helping for me to get angry at my anger. That was my first strategy. The anger comes up and I say, the fuck are you doing here? Get out of here. We don't, we don't have anger around here. And I'm doing like, I was telling you the other day, you know, the little boy who hits his sister and then mom comes over and hits him and says, Johnny, don't hit your little sister. Whap. So if we're not careful, we, you know, this is, I don't know about being careful, but it's one of our first strategies, you know, to actually try to get rid of the afflictive emotion with the same one.

[20:09]

And it's sort of like, how did that work? Is it better that if I do it, you know, to protect my borders and my sanctity and it's just, is that working? I don't think so. So I finally decided I need to study this. And so here's some of the things I noticed and you can see if this makes sense and so forth. But if you really have your heart set, which I did, I thought, you know, good people, spiritual people don't get angry. You know, whether it's from my childhood or from the point of view of Zen, you do not do that. You don't, you don't get angry. That's not something that you do. Bad. And so if you decide that's the case, then you start to structure your body like

[21:13]

we did this afternoon. You structure, start to structure your body so that that's not possible. And sometimes this structuring your body so you don't get angry starts when, you know, three months old, six months old, whatever it is, you know, maybe sometimes even pre-verbal, I am not going there. I'm not going to have that happen in my body. We're not deciding this consciously. But our being is deciding at some level, we're not having that around here. So I'm going to do whatever I need to do to my little body so that I don't have that experience because it's so painful. So we have these habits. How do you structure yourself? And then again, in the context of sitting meditation, our structuring is starting to come undone. Sitting meditation, yoga, Qigong, the internal structuring is starting to dissolve and you start bumping up into things that you weren't going to go there. So then you start feeling the anger that you've had tucked away.

[22:20]

Again, my friend or teacher Lansing used to say, and you've got to know where it's hidden. You know where it's hidden so you know not to go there. Otherwise, you know, you could just stumble upon it. So you've got to know where you've hidden it so you know where not to go in your body. So if you have structured yourself like this, so that anger isn't going to rise. What I began to notice is, somehow it starts to feel very small, like a very small place. And you need to be very careful. And we're not going to get angry. And we're going to make sure that we don't get angry. And pretty soon, like, how much energy can you have?

[23:26]

So it's not just the two. So in a certain sense, that's just to be on the safe side. I'm not going to get angry. And just to be on the safe side, I'm not going to have any energy. That's one way of looking at it. Another way of looking at it is, when you decided not to get angry, you didn't also realize all the other things you weren't going to be able to do that involve the same muscles, that involve the same places in your body, that involve the same places in your neck. And maybe you can't talk. Because, you know, some anger might come out. I didn't talk much for a lot of years. You have to be careful about what you're going to say. And so maybe you better not talk much, in case, you know, so the anger doesn't come out. So pretty soon, so anyway, we've just, we've made certain decisions. So then, at some point, you notice, I noticed,

[24:29]

the anger would explode. And it's this huge, incredible volume of energy, and, you know, and a kind of volcanic. And then it's like, you try to get yourself back in some little box, so you don't go there. But the more, the smaller you make the box, to not be angry, the more likely that something's going to explode. Duh. So what does this say about the box? You see? So I decided, huh, you know, maybe whatever I do, I should just be doing it with a lot more energy. You know, whether it's walking or talking or working or the dishes or, you know, whatever it is, and this is actually one of the basic Zen approaches, you know, whatever you're doing, do it with a lot of energy. You know, if you go to AHU Monastery, it is incredible, but they have,

[25:37]

they have these hallways that are something like six foot wide. And they're interior, they're inside hallways. And the hallways are going up this hill. So there's actually steps. And every day, the monks wipe it with a damp towel. So it's only been eight, 900 years now. And the wood is like glass. It is like a mirror. You can see yourself reflected. And it's from all that energy day after day for 800 years. This is not polish or a machine. You know, so this is what Zen people do. So at some point then, so in a sense, you know, you could see that as your anger is saying, you know, to you, you know, you've got yourself in a

[26:49]

fairly limited repertoire of behaviors. You know, you might want to try a few that have some energy, because the more you actually are using that energy, then the less it's likely to come up as, I need it, you know, let me out of here. I'm, you know, getting out of here. I'm going to, if I have to explode to get out of here, I'm exploding to get out of here. I'm going to, I'm going to explode my way out of here. And, you know, because, you know, I'm just, you know, you can't keep me in here. And isn't that nice, actually, that there's a part of us that gets that. I don't, I don't want to be imprisoned like this. I don't want to be kept in such a small, dark, incommunicado place. I want to be able to, I want out. So, I guess it's time to study, you know, doing things with some energy and trying out some

[27:50]

new ways of expression and, you know, new activities, new behaviors, doing some of the things I haven't done. I guess it's time for that. And pretty soon, what are you going to be angry about? Anger is a sign of, you know, frustration. You're not, you're not using your energy. And, or you don't know how to use it. It's blocked, you know, so you don't know how to use it. And then you can get mad at other people because they won't let you do stuff. And who was that who wasn't going to let you? We did some work. I'm mad at me for not letting me. So, one other simple example of this, you know, is if you're, if you're meditating and you,

[28:57]

you know, start to have the idea, you know, geez, it would be really great to go outside in the sunlight and I could, I could walk in the fresh air or whatever it is, or, you know, eat this or, you know, make love with that. And what does this say about the, the, the nature of your consciousness in sitting? I'm going to be spiritual. I'm going to be clear minded and focused. And, you know, at some point, you know, when desire is coming up and you must have been leaving it out. It's not going to come up, you know, if you are enjoying your breath and you're having pleasure in your experience, you don't have some other desire that comes up. But the desire comes up because you don't, you don't usually have it. You say, you know, I can't have any desire here. I need to, I need to go to this other, this other place and this other activity to have,

[30:00]

you know, pleasure and well-being and I can't have it here. Is that true? So sometimes, you know, we're also studying then how to enjoy the breath or, you know, have some pleasure in very simple things and not looking, you know, somewhere outside or somewhere else for some special, pleasurable experience. Not that those aren't wonderful, you know, at their time. But if you're studying this, you know, and you start to have desire, it says something about, well, I was trying to be spiritual. I was trying to just focus. I was trying. And then you realize at some point, I was doing a kind of wooden thing. And then they have an expression, you know, this stone woman gets up to dance. The wooden man gets up to sing. And that's, you know, because we start out being with some kind of fixity about who we are and how

[31:10]

we're going to be. And we leave out desire or we leave out anger. And we don't, because, you know, we think they're just something problematic without realizing if we leave them out, it's a whole lot of energy and vitality and well-being we're leaving out of our life. And our picture of the acceptable kind of person, we're leaving that out. So then, you know, we had a pretty good time with being bad, but there's, well, there's some stuff left out there. We weren't exactly connecting with one another. So this is all pretty interesting, you know, and you can actually study with, you know, your emotions. What am I leaving out of my picture of the way I am supposed to be? I need to be the way I need to be. And I, you know, what do I need to include in my life so that this doesn't come up

[32:16]

as though it's something else and something apart from me? Am I making sense here? You got this? Okay. Well, usually it's in the way you're meditating, you're leaving it out. You know, this is my, you know, one way to look at this. It doesn't mean this is the only way to look at this or the most useful way to look at this. It's just one way to look at this that, you know, I could, I could stop. I could let go of being so attached to a certain way of being, which is actually limiting me and actually, you know, causing parts of me to split off

[33:19]

because they don't like being part of this scheme I have to attain enlightenment by excluding them from my consciousness. So they're going to split off and appear as though they're separate emotions. Anyway, this is just one, this is just one possibility because, you know, there's also the fact, as I've mentioned, that emotions are coming up as residual from, you know, residual feelings and emotions from childhood. As you know, I mentioned my friend Niels and his mom, you know, and at some point, and then, you know, we have anger and sorrow and resentment and all kinds of things possibly from childhood. And then sometimes that's from our own experience. And sometimes it's because, you know, we decided, I decided certainly, you know, I, I love my mother, so I'm going to feel her feelings for her. But what I really feel isn't so much that that's not so skillful that we do that, but it's amazing,

[34:24]

amazing to me that we get this sort of template going when we're little tiny children and that it propels us through our entire life and that it takes so much reflection and effort to even begin to understand that you're operating from a schema that you came up with when you were three. I mean, yeah, isn't that amazing? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And so that's, that's actually, so this has something to do with the fact, you know, as many people have pointed out that your wounds, uh, you know, are also your character. That the wounds are what give you character and also the wounds are your blessing and the wounds are what propel you into your life and give you, whether you call it a template or whatever, but they propel you out into the world and give you something to work on the rest of your life. And, um, Lansing used to say in this, in our integrated awareness classes,

[35:29]

you know what, if this wasn't the plan, it wouldn't be so damn universal. I mean, if this wasn't meant to be, you know, the way it's meant to be, you know, it wouldn't be happening to all of us the way it does. It seems like the majority of people are operating psychically. If they're not, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah. Pretty amazing, isn't it? And there's not very many people around who, who are like interested or actually focusing on this in any kind of conscious way. A lot of people are, you know, trying to get past this, but then we're so attached to being that way. How can you change? You know, it's like the, I, I, I use the country Western song. Uh, everybody wants to get to heaven. Nobody wants to die. And so how can you let go of being who you, you've been so devoted and you're so devoted, but we're so devoted to being, you know, the person that we figured out to be when we were

[36:33]

little. Uh, and then it's hard to change, you know, or to, to notice like what's going on. Yeah. Oh, so, um, one more thing I want to talk about tonight and then we'll call it an evening. Um, I started talking about this a little bit in my sitting group and I wanted to, um, I thought I'd bring it up with you and as an example of, you know, what's underneath things. And I mentioned before, when I stopped being angry, then there's sadness. And, um, when you, um, I mean, different people have written about this, you know, Kabir has a poem about, um, how, um, um, he says, I, I gave up some clothes and, and wore some burlap. And then I started, um, checking out, you know, um, how well woven it was.

[37:34]

And she says something about, I, um, I gave up desire, um, and became really angry. I let go of my anger and now I'm proud of myself. And he says, you know, when the mind lets go of something, it still holds on to one last thing. Um, anyway, um, I was going to give you another example about this, which is when I was, um, when I was, um, in my early twenties, I was smoking some of the time and then not smoking some of the time. So when I first, um, tried to quit smoking, I, uh, would, you know, the first thing you'd look at is I'm going to change the behavior. So that's pretty good. You know,

[38:36]

that makes sense. Change the behavior. How do you change the behavior? You change the behavior with willpower and you, and you tell yourself you are not going to smoke. You say to yourself, and then how well does it work? So it works pretty well into, you know, the person saying that it's a little tired or a little, you know, worn out and doesn't have the energy. Okay. And then, and then the next day or at some point, you know, the voice goes, look what happens. You see, as soon as I leave you alone, you're smoking. Now you need to listen to me and do what I tell you. So the more you berate yourself at a conscious level is then you,

[39:40]

you actually start, you actually smoke in order to go unconscious. You know, then when you go unconscious, that's your, that's your, um, device. When you, when you start smoking a cigarette, then, okay, we're not going to be conscious now. And then when you're not conscious, you don't have to hear that voice. So who'd want to be conscious? You have to be conscious means being around this person who's always telling you what to do. You've got to stop smoking. You were such an idiot. Can't you get it together? I don't understand what's wrong with you. And why don't you just do what I tell you? So, um, so you don't want to hear that voice. You smoke. It's a perfect setup. And this is where you don't necessarily need to change the behavior. You need to change, you know, your reaction to behavior because that's where you're,

[40:40]

you're smoking to get away from, you know, the voice that's telling you that's bossing you around so, um, uh, intensely and over and over again. And so, um, uh, I tried originally smoking, you know, stopping smoking by, you know, willpower. And then I thought I had another idea, you know, that, well, if I want to, if I want to smoke, I, I, I think it just means I, I need to do something else now. So, uh, if I have the desire to smoke, I'm going to look and see what I need to, you know, what, what else to do that there's something else to put my energy into and put my focus in, you know, into. And while I was doing that, then, um, I started noticing, sometimes I would notice why I feel so anxious. And then, um, I would remember, Oh,

[41:44]

this means I want to smoke. And actually, if you're in the habit of smoking, then you don't actually notice. You may not even notice that you're anxious without even noticing that you're anxious. The thought comes, I want a cigarette. This is how quick our mind is and how much we, we skip over what's actually happening and go right to what's going to fix it. And I'm not even going to notice or acknowledge I'm anxious. And then, um, so part of what, you know, we're studying in meditation, uh, is, you know, what, what's actually happening. And, uh, this isn't about, you know, uh, then, um, being full of will and giving out directives and bossing yourself around. It's about, Oh, uh, Oh, I guess I'm feeling anxious.

[42:49]

What should I do when I feel anxious? What is this about? And of course, part of why you're feeling anxious, you know, at 20 years old is, do they like me? Do they not like me? And at some point I started thinking about this. I was sick for a couple of days and I thought, you know, I'm, I'm really trying to, I'm really working. I'm working very hard to be a good cook. Wonder why I'm doing that. It seems kind of crazy. Oh, I think I'm trying to be a good cook so that, you know, people will like my cooking. Yeah. I want them to like my cooking and who cares? Well, they like my cooking. Maybe that would show that they'd like me. Is that true? And I thought about that and I said, I don't know that they'd give a damn about me in that case. I think they probably just means they'd like the cooking.

[43:50]

Doesn't necessarily mean they like me. Mostly they were telling me they didn't like me. You know, you're too bossy, short tempered, know it all. So, um, um, and then, but just suppose that they did like me. Who cares whether these other people like me or not? Oh, maybe if enough of them like me, um, it would convince me to like myself. Oh, I guess I don't like myself. And, uh, is this for any reason? Well, I just don't, you know, um, because I have high standards, you know, and it's important to maintain one's high standards. Um, and, but anyway, at that point I thought, um, am I ever going to get enough evidence of enough people that to convince me that it would be all right for me to like myself? Probably not.

[45:02]

And probably if I'm going to like myself, I guess that's going to be my job. And it's, and it's a little bit, if I'm going to like myself, why don't I just go ahead and start practicing that rather than, Oh, if I'm going to like myself, I should cook some good food so that people like my cooking, so that people like me, so it would convince me that I could like myself. And if I wasn't so anxious about all that, I could quit smoking on top of it. Sure. Excuse me. So at some point you can, uh, when you're reflecting on things or examining things and I don't know, I'm the kind of person who's interested in that kind of stuff, you know, rather than, um, uh, being convinced that, um, you know, if people are wrong for not liking

[46:06]

their cooking or not liking me and what's wrong with them and whatever, you know, I kind of go in the other direction of anything, but, um, so you can look at all of this. Um, there's the, uh, wanting to smoke a cigarette, which is covering up the anxiety. And when you aren't smoking, then you might notice, or if you're careful, or sometimes when you smoke, even so you notice anxiety. Oh, if I have a cigarette that will take care of that. Um, but that's just temporary because then the anxiety is going to come back. You need the cigarette again and you've got your, you've got your fix for the anxiety, but you haven't done actually anything about the cause or why does the anxiety come up? Oh, I'm worried about, um, I'm worried about how people see me. Oh, and then at some point, you know what,

[47:07]

I really don't like myself. I actually actively dislike myself. And, and then did you ever have it? Did you ever notice? I never noticed that. And all of this, I hadn't noticed. I don't like myself. That there's actually, there's actually some active dislike or something pretty close to hatred going on, you know? Uh, and do you think that might make you anxious? I always think, you know, if, if, uh, sometimes people say, you know, I, I can't get rid of my thinking. I really, you know, would like to get rid of my thinking. It is so annoying. It is so problematic. My thinking is so judgmental and just so intense and I just can't stand it. And I've, I've got to get rid of it. Do you think you're thinking doesn't hear you thinking that stuff? Jeez. And you're thinking it's going to get kind of paranoid and worried and anxious.

[48:10]

She's out to get me. I need to, I need to be on guard. I need to be around all the time. I need to keep thinking things. So she might actually manage this. He, she, whatever, you know? So we're, um, you know, there's so much going on in a psyche, you know, so many different factors. Uh, so we're getting down from smoking to anxiety to, you know, self-hatred. And is the self-hatred accurate or based on anything? Where did that come from? And you've got some idea about something and I just hate this. And what is that? You know, what is that? It's some, some, it's some, it's a habit, you know, it's a habit that comes from, you know, we, we picked up somewhere along the way. Yeah. So you got down to the self-hatred.

[49:27]

Yeah. And, and your job is to like yourself. Yeah. And so how do you do that? I'm so glad you asked. My answer to that is, well, awkwardly and clumsily at first. Um, so, you know, I, I used the saying of the Zen Master Yaku-san who said, awkward in a hundred ways, clumsy in a thousand. I keep going. Um, but when you first do that, um, you know, it's like, how do you do that? And well, you don't know how to do it and you do it, you do it in a, you know, in, in the best you can, which at that point is usually rather awkward and clumsy and, um, and you're not very good at it. But this also gets, you know, brings us to, you know, um, something to do with the nature of love. And, uh, I, I'm going to, I should bring in the rest of the, you know, poem,

[50:34]

but I put this in the, my little booklet, right? Love does not to the marriage of true minds admit impediment. Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments. Love is not love, which alters when it alteration finds or bends with the remover to remove. Oh no, it is an ever fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken. It is the star to every wandering bark who's worse unknown, although its height be taken. So this is the beginning of, you know, the Shakespeare sonnet about love and, um, you know, love is, you know, just, it's just not based on anything. And so you just, uh, you, you, and it, and as you have that kind of, uh, something of that

[51:36]

understanding, you realize you could, and as I mentioned this afternoon, you could like somebody who's not perfect. You could go ahead and love somebody who's not perfect, love somebody who has problems and just because you have problems and difficulties and, um, you know, or emotional at times or fragile or whatever it is, you could go ahead and be present with that person and not abandon, you know, another kind of word for this is not abandon yourself. Oh, you're a fragile. I'm willing. I'm here with you still. Oh, you're upset. I'm here. I will stay with you. I will not reject you and abandon you or shame you or humiliate you over, you know, your inadequacies and failures. I will stay present. So when you first make that kind of decision, uh, you, you don't always, you are not, you're less able to keep it than as you will over time. And, but more and more, you, um, you do not abandon yourself. You stay

[52:42]

with yourself without judging yourself. And you have, um, more presence of mind and which is presence of mind in this case also means, you know, presence of heart and love is just there. Love doesn't fix anything or do anything. It doesn't make everything better. It's just presence of mind, presence of heart. As soon as, uh, you know, as soon as you're trying to make something better, it's not exactly love. I mean, there may be love there too. Don't get me wrong, but once you're trying to fix something, then, um, you know, you're trying to alter something where alteration finds, um, um, it's, um, and we think, you know, this is one of the things that, you know, requires some straightening out because we think if somebody loves me, they wouldn't let me suffer like this.

[53:45]

Is that true? And we say sometimes, um, we might say to somebody, I love you so much. You make all the difference in the world to me. Is that true? And if they make all the difference in the world to you, then, um, you make me so happy. And then what happens when you're not happy? Who abandoned who? When, uh, when it's no longer making all the difference, is that because they don't love you anymore? Or is that because, you know, you don't love them anymore? Or, um, you know, I guess we don't love each other. It's not making all the difference anymore. Uh, you're not making me happy anymore. I thought you were going to make me happy.

[54:50]

I guess you don't love me because I'm sad. And then somebody else can say, don't be sad. I love you. Okay. So you're loving me means I don't have permission to feel what I'm feeling. Oh, okay. That's a nice one. So we get confused about this, what, you know, what love will do and what it won't do. And, you know, it's, it's wonderful to, you know, aim to encourage someone's happiness and wellbeing and know, but you know, at some point, um, you know, that's not about love. Love will be with you when you're sad. Love will be with you when you're happy. And love doesn't say to you, don't be sad. Um, I love you. Don't be angry. I love you. Don't be anxious. I love you. Like your love is supposed to cure and fix everything and change

[55:54]

everything. And there are, there are times when it does that. And then, you know, what we call love, but this is our limited view, you know, that, and that's, that's, um, there may be a lot of good heartedness in that. And, um, but at some point our love is, um, you know, larger hearted or pure and we, we, we are actually able to love, uh, you know, ourselves and other people with all of their, you know, imperfections. That's, you know, the imperfection, sometimes. Let me not to merge your true minds amid impediments. Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds or bends with the remover to remove. Oh no, it is never fixed. It marked. It looks on Tempus and it's never shaken. So love is not saying, you know, you need to change because I love you.

[56:55]

You need to be different than you need to get over that. I love you. It's a little strange, you know? Um, and yet it's so easy to, we feel that we feel that like with our babies, you know, you have your, your baby and your baby's upset and said, but I love you. Okay. I mean, I love you. I love you. Stop that. It's, it's very challenging, you know, and we're, we're all limited people and we get caught in these kinds of things. And then pretty soon we start to think that love is supposed to make all the difference and fix everything. And it's more like, you know, you know, oh, you're really upset. I wonder what I can do and what it is, you know, do you need something to eat and, you know, you need to change your diaper, you know, let's burp you. I mean, you know, okay, let's go for a walk. Let's, you know,

[57:59]

um, and, um, but it's really tempting sometimes, you know, I love you. Stop it. You don't have to be so upset. And of course, if you're getting upset like that, I love you. So don't cry. And you're getting anxious and upset. What do you think your baby's feeling? Your baby's feeling what's in the room. There's anxiety in the air. Time to cry. Oh boy. All right. Okay. So, um, thank you. I think we've gone far enough here. I, you know, I did get a little energized here. We've got an hour or something. My goodness. So let's, um, come back to the side of the room. Um, and we'll sit for just a couple minutes and chant ho to end the evening.

[59:03]

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