Good morning. It's awfully nice to be here. Thank you. Thank you all for being here. Part of what's, or largely what's so nice to be here is that all of you are here, that we're all here together in this space, sitting quietly and with some openness of heart and mind. Pretty unusual in our society. This week, on Thursday night, I went to a book reading at Book Passages because I'm one chapter in a book called, Will Meditation and Yoga Really Change Your Life? So I was

[01:05]

part of a book reading. So this is one of those points that some of us might be tempted to try to answer. And especially if you've been practicing yoga or meditation, you might want to assess, how's it going? Is it working? Am I getting, have I gotten anywhere yet? Certainly by now, I should have. And so forth. And then, of course, as the years go by, you know, it becomes all the more pressing. Five years, 10 years, 15 years, 20 years. Something should have happened. So this question is rather on my mind. And of course, presumably,

[02:14]

you know, this is maybe, I mean, it seems like there are a number of things that, I mean, just living longer, wouldn't that change your life? Or does getting married really change your life? Having kids, does that really change your life? Well, it kind of looks that way. Feels that way. Anyway, so I was remembering, for instance, many years ago, when I was a student at Tassajara. You know, before I started practicing Zen, I was a nice person. I don't know if you understand, you know, what happens to people who start doing spiritual practices, but, because it's really a challenge. I was in Cleveland recently, last October, and I

[03:16]

was going to teach a cooking class. And I said before the class, you know, I'm feeling kind of anxious and stressed about this class that we're going to have. And right away someone said to me, well, you've been practicing meditation for more than 30 years, why are you so anxious and stressed? Oh, excuse me? Like I don't deny my feelings and hide them from you the way I used to, huh? Oh, yeah, not so good at that anymore, I'm sorry. And I'm not so good at pretend anymore. I'm capable and competent, you know. But it was such a different reaction. Several years ago, I was at Tassajara, and I was doing a Zen and cooking class, and I said, I'm really kind of anxious, you know, I've had to move from one cabin to another,

[04:20]

and my notes for the class are out in these carts under some sheets, and you know, I don't know where anything is. And the woman sitting right next to me, she said, oh, are you anxious? Me too. And then she grabbed my hand and pulled it right to her chest, and sure enough, her heart is going thump, [...] thump. And you know, we've been friends ever since. There's something wonderfully connective actually about acknowledging, you know, that we're, you know, we're humans, we're people, we have feelings, and we can share them, and other people might actually be willing to have that happen. And then the people that are willing to have that happen, boy, those can be friends. So before I started practicing Zen anyway, I was very good at, you know, I thought I was good anyway, at hiding what was going on inside of me, and presenting, you know,

[05:22]

what seemed like it would be a, you know, handsome, positive, strong, upright exterior that people could admire. I thought I was good at it anyway. I don't know, I didn't have too many friends, so maybe it wasn't working so well. But I started practicing Zen, so pretty soon I was angry all the time. And, you know, one of the things that people tell you is, well, if you weren't practicing Zen, you wouldn't have this problem. So am I lucky to be practicing Zen, or should I be in another business where I could more successively hide what was actually going on inside of me, and present the likable exterior? And then people

[06:25]

give you all kinds of advice. Well, you can have the, you know, well, yes, answer the, you know, invite the guest in, but don't serve them tea. Serve them tea, but don't have that guest, you know, your anger stay overnight. And, you know, they tell you all kinds of things, and, you know, it wasn't helping me. I had the feeling, you know, that people were walking up to me like they were looking around the corner of a building to see what mood I was in before they said anything to me. And I saw someone last summer, he said that he had worked with me in the kitchen at Tassajara for a couple of years, and I had, I didn't have a clue. I couldn't remember him at all. And he said, you were a stern task master. I said, ooh. Huh. Well, and then I said, well, I'm sorry. I don't think it was me, really.

[07:26]

It was the circumstances, you know. We had a lot of work to do, didn't we? Anyway, finally, after some number of weeks, Kadagiri Roshi asked to see me. You know, usually we ask our teacher, if you want an interview with a teacher, you ask for an interview. So this is the only time in my life that a teacher has asked to see me. So you can guess, you know, this must be bad news. So I went to see him and bow and sit down. We look at each other. And probably I spoke first and said, so what do you want anyway? And he said, you

[08:30]

know, you've been angry a lot, and it's disturbing to other people. It's upsetting to them. You need to do something about this. I said, well, if they're disturbed by my anger, why don't they work on that? Because I'm just feeling my feelings, you know. And he said, but, you know, this is a monastery. And, you know, we're practicing to live in peace and harmony with one another. I said, well, why don't they live in peace and harmony with me then? After several, and he presented the same thing again, you know, this is a monastery where the idea is to live in peace and harmony, and you need to work on this. And I didn't understand

[09:43]

how to work on it. And finally he said, Ed, I'm giving you a piece of advice. And then he did his down-turning mouth thing. And he said, Ed, I'm giving you a piece of advice. You know, like, end of conversation. So we were sat there quietly, and I said, all right, I'll work on it. I said, but I don't know what to do. And he said, why don't you practice chanting? I said, chanting? Yes, he said, chanting. Why don't you practice chanting in meditation? I said, but, you know, that's not zazen. Zazen is where you just sit. You don't practice chanting when you're sitting. Sometimes you have to explain these things to these Zen teacher people. And I said, all right, I'll practice chanting. And he said,

[10:57]

but what do I chant? And he said, you could chant the Heart Sutra. And I said, I can't remember it. I don't know it by heart. And he said, there's a mantra at the end. Gatte, gatte, paragatte, parasamgate, bodhisvaha. Can you remember that? I said, yes. He said, well, just chant that. And I said, okay. And he said, what's the mantra? And I said, I felt, you know, pretty humiliated, aside from everything else, you know, kind of embarrassed. But I decided I would practice chanting gatte, gatte, paragatte, parasamgate, bodhisvaha. And boy, about two days after that, something just sort of popped. And the anger in my body just fell away. And of course, you know, as some of you might guess, right away I felt

[12:10]

sad. Do you understand? You know, because often if we feel sad or disappointed or helpless, one of the things we do is attack. We get angry, rather than actually feel sad or disappointed or helpless. Many feelings are, all feelings and thoughts in Buddhism are considered to be coverings, to cover the nature of true reality. So is that a, did that really change my life? It makes a good story. But boy, I still get, you know, really angry, and pretty easily. You know, Friday I was doing a little plumbing project with a friend of mine. We

[13:18]

were going to install a water filter under the sink. How long does that take? Well, two of us, seven hours later. You know, we'd spent fourteen hours. I kind of like to think like in meditation, I don't mind sitting all day and not getting anything done, but I figure if I'm doing plumbing, I ought to get something done. It shouldn't just be a meditation. But there was a few times in there that I got rather annoyed and angry. So, you know, I can still get angry. Has something actually changed? I'm still about the same. Oh well. But this is an interesting point, you know. What is it we're looking for? The third ancestor,

[14:26]

Tsang Tsang, or Tsung Tsang, asked his teacher, or his disciple asked him, Dao Shen, how can I attain liberation? How do I attain enlightenment, you know, freedom, some ease or well-being in my life? How will I attain that? And the teacher said, who put you in bondage? And the disciple said, nobody. And the teacher said, then why are you looking for liberation? So this is, you know, kind of a crucial point here. What is it we're looking for? What would

[15:29]

we like? And, you know, I'd like plumbing projects to just take 10 minutes. And I don't think that meditation is going to help with that. I'd like a lot of things. You know, I'd like cars to get out of my way on the freeway. It's a curious point, you know, because I'm a spiritually advanced person, so they ought to get out of my way. But I figure that all those cars on the freeway are thinking, well, he's so spiritually advanced, he can be patient with us being in his way. But anyway, you know, what would liberation look like if you had it? How would you know? [...] You know, is there something that would be different than it is now? And it's so easy,

[16:44]

you know, Dogen says, most people, you know, don't understand the way. So they're looking for visible results, visible results. I would never have to feel sad again. I would never have to feel angry again. I would never have to be disappointed. People would always respect me. I would be admired. What would it look like? You could click your fingers and food that you want to have would appear in front of you. You wouldn't have to cook or what? You know, what would it take? You know, the visible, what visible result? So Dogen Zenji attempts to be, you know, reassuring. And he says, if you want to study Buddhism, you

[17:51]

should trust in Buddhism. And to trust in Buddhism is to trust that your life is already completely in the Buddha way. This is the life of liberation. This is the life of enlightenment, the one you're living already. That there's nothing, you know, that you could, there's no visible results that you could attain. There's nothing that you could, that you need to get rid of. Also, at Tassajara in those days, you know, someone said to Suzuki Roshi, Suzuki Roshi, why haven't you enlightened me yet? Felt like there was a little edge to the question. Are you not really a Zen master? Are you, is this something you could do, but you haven't

[19:03]

done yet for some reason? Are you holding out on me? Why don't you go ahead and enlighten me? And I felt there was a kind of edge to the question. Suzuki Roshi was very polite, and he said, I'm making my best effort. And then he closed his mouth. I was waiting for him to say, what about you? I mean, shouldn't you point out to somebody that they've got a little edge that they don't really need to have? Shouldn't you, like, let them know that? And that they're challenging you, and that they really shouldn't be challenging you, because there's no reason to challenge you, because you're making your best effort. So like, was that really an appropriate question that you just asked? I mean, shouldn't you

[20:04]

let them know that that's not really an appropriate kind of question or attitude for them to have towards you? I would hope so. Wouldn't you want to, I mean, straighten them out? Anyway, I was watching this, and I thought, hmm. I'm making my best effort. And I think of that fairly often. This, again, is an interesting point, that from the Zen point of view, we're all making our best effort. It's an amazing phenomenon. And then, you know, and sometimes our best effort is kind of confused, and we get mixed up, and we get caught, and we get distracted, and we get, you know, we go off on, you know, stray, loose ends, wild goose

[21:09]

chases. We try to get visible results. It's supposed to look like this. You're not supposed to do that. You're supposed to do this. Why are you so stressed before your cooking class? You've been meditating for years. What's wrong with, what's your problem? I told her, you know, I have a friend who was a Zen teacher. She's died since, but, and she said, after about 25 or 30 years, her husband was a professor at one of these, Sarah Lawrence or somewhere. So, he used to have affairs with his students. And she told him for years, I'm not really happy with this. And finally, she said, I'm getting divorced, because I'm not happy with

[22:10]

this. I'm unhappy. This is upsetting to me. And he said, but I'm not happy with this. But you're a Buddhist priest. You should have more compassion. You should have more understanding and sympathy and like sympathetic joy and equanimity about these kind of things. What is your problem? What's wrong with your practice? You're a priest. You're a Zen master. And she said, it's because I'm a Zen master that I know what I'm feeling. We're getting divorced. This is an interesting point. I came across this line from W.B. Yates last week or so. And he said, it takes years and years to be able to trust your feelings, even enough

[23:20]

to know what it is you're feeling. It takes years to be able to trust your feelings, even enough to know what it is you're feeling. It took my friend here a long time to realize that it took her years to be able to trust her feelings, to know what she was feeling, to say that she was getting divorced. But there is this part of us that's looking for visible results and then is trying to orchestrate things and control things, produce something that looks like liberation or something

[24:24]

that I would like. I would like to have this capacity or skill to appear some way to people, and I would like people to respect me and love me and admire me and behave some way. So why would you want to control their behavior like that? Why not let them feel what they're feeling or think what they're thinking and say what they have to say? So we'd like the visible results we'd like as a kind of control. And that's not liberation to try to control what other people feel or think or say or do. And to appreciate that someone's making their best effort is rather different than trying to get them to behave a certain way. Just simply speaking, if you treat someone the way that you see them, what you see lacking

[25:31]

in them, you treat them that way, then they become that way. They are that way. And if you treat someone the way that they could be or as though they're making their best effort, then they can become what they could be. You know, we grow because someone treats us as a grown-up, as a good-hearted person. And in terms of meditation, you know, we're learning to treat ourself that way, which is, of course, a bit of a challenge. Because it seems like it would be so, it seems like, you know, much more strategic, you know, to treat yourself that way. You know, if your performance is not very good in meditation, if you're kind

[26:32]

of scattered or confused or asleep, that, I mean, shouldn't you criticize yourself and kind of get angry at yourself and tell yourself to wake up and, you know, tell yourself, you know, get it together here. But, of course, then you have to turn around and say, no, no, wait a minute. Look at the way you just talked to me. Anyway, it goes on and on, doesn't it? And then, so, at some point, we can just be kind and listen and be with ourselves and receive our experience. And then, you know, rather than attacking ourself or criticizing ourself, pointing out our mistake to ourself, there's this, there's the possibility of acknowledging

[27:34]

someone who's making their best effort. And, you know, I think that's a really important thing. So, sometimes when I said, you know, and I have some experience, you know, rather than criticizing, oh, you know, if I start to criticize, it's as though a little voice says to me, you know, but I'm making my best effort. It's a small voice, you know, a small voice, you know, like a two-year-old or a three-year-old. But it's your own body and mind. It's already making its best effort. You know, your eyes give you things to see. I'm making my best effort. Your ears give you things to hear. You have feelings to feel, thoughts to think. And your being is giving you all of these experiences, making its best effort to give you experience moment after moment, to give you phenomena, to give you

[28:41]

the world. So, I memorized, we'll see if I memorized it or not, a poem for the occasion. This is the poem by Antonio Machado that's in Roger Housden's book, Ten Poems to Change Your Life. Last night as I was sleeping. This has that feeling of, as he puts it, you know, marvelous error, but finally receiving something as though you realize that the world is making its best effort, and that it's not some actually visible result that we're looking for. Last night as I was sleeping, I dreamt, marvelous error, that a spring was

[29:56]

breaking out inside me. I said, along which secret aqueduct, oh water, are you? Coming to me, water of a new life that I have never drunk. Last night as I was sleeping, I dreamt marvelous error, that I had a beehive here inside my heart, and the golden bees were making white comb and sweet honey from my old failures. Last night as I was sleeping, I dreamt, a fiery sun was giving light inside my heart. It was fiery because I felt warmth

[31:04]

as from a hearth, and sun because it gave light and brought tears to my eyes. Last night as I was sleeping, I dreamt, marvelous error, that it was divinely precious here inside my heart. I think in that poem you can taste or sense the quality of recognizing best effort, the quality of not looking for visible results, the quality of receiving, and the quality

[32:08]

of life. Water of a new life I have never drunk. Bees making white comb and sweet honey from old failures. Warmth and light and tears inside your heart. I think in that poem you can taste or sense the quality of recognizing best effort, the quality of receiving, and the quality of receiving.

[33:38]

Where we don't have to seek for visible results, the water of a new life flows, the sun shines. Thank you very much.

[34:24]

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