2003.11.16-serial.00020

00:00
00:00
Audio loading...

Welcome! You can log in or create an account to save favorites, edit keywords, transcripts, and more.

Serial: 
EB-00020
Photos: 
Auto-Generated Transcript

i must of you were in the room and i walked in
and i walked in to you know my heart just lifted when i walked in the room
with all of you here and now quiet and still and down now inward
and
i just guessed you know i just guess
oh
you you must be
as searching are feeling you know inwardly into your heart
no and
studying how to
know your heart and had to fulfill fulfill your heart your heart's desire your true heart's desire
so it done
i feel very i chaired and happy
i had to be in a room like this
thank you
for cheering me
dear fog
thank you
ah

lately i've been thinking about am
when i was first at tassajara and something had happened when security i was i had become the kirk you know i'd
we said tassajara the summer before his and center a bot tassajara
and i worked as the cook therefore two and a half months so i had a lot of experience you know
and zen center asked me would would you be the head cook of our monastery
i was also as instant
so i i'm not knowing any better or
i said sure
pen
so then we started cooking in over forty or eighty or one hundred and twenty and people
so i didn't know what i was doing and there is something that happens with cooking
you know who are you trying to please
this isn't just cooking of course right
you walk around outside here who are you're trying to please
and
are you know you're not trying to please anybody you're not going to be caught by that anymore are you
ah who knows
anyway when i got to test her in in april
there were already group of people living there now a lot of those people didn't it it turned out didn't really become and students finally i mean it was a nice place to live you know in the mountains in there were hot springs and
at the time men and women were bathing together you know suzuki roshi did put a stop to that after a while
this is a monastery or monastic type you know center your mind will be quieter
your minds will be quieter if you're not bathing with members of the opposite sex
and he will appreciate you will learn to appreciate this quiet or mind
you might think that that more excited mind is preferable but
so there was a group of people and a number of those people though you see we had a practice period than that began that year in july
the night before the practice period security ordained richard baker as you know his disciple
shaved his head and put them in japanese robes
it's very hot very hot
and then we had three days of tongariro
maybe the three days or tenggara was before the recognition but you don't do no tongariro that's where you sit all day with no breaks
so you know you're just and then you get up whatever you started five or something or and then you sit and then you have breakfast and then there's a little break after breakfast and then you come back and sit
until you know lunch
anyway the night before january i started about twenty people went up the road left
it had been a great place to
hang out and work and eat and take our beds and little meditation but that was too much
to understand this is why i mean there's a reason for these things you know it weeds out this laggards
we want only the serious practitioners
anyway but meantime okay so when i first got there
it turned out that we were serving the community was used to serve in and breakfast with the hot cereal
white sugar
and brown sugar for because some people don't like white sugar and some people don't want sugars so we were serving honey some people don't like honey so we also had some molasses
and then we reserve in milk and this and then you know in addition to milk would reserve in half and half and occasionally cream and some people didn't like the regular milk so we're serving canned milk this is before you know rice milk soy milk two percent milk nonfat milk you know we have a lot of choices
shouldn't you be able to put what you want on your cereal
this is america you know
this is why we all go out and earn the big bucks

i think we might also observed blow dishes of raisins and perhaps shakers of cinnamon
oh baby pats of butter now and again
and well
this was okay as long as you're reserving like family style or cafeteria style you know you go through the line and then you add you know like starbucks or wherever there's little condiment table
now what about in the meditation hall when we're sitting down the row and you have to pass
eight or ten things down the row
you know to get it all the way down there are this takes a long time we've figured out pretty said that we needed to make up a set of these condiments for every three or four people to make it at all kind of timely
so we would have you know if we had forty people and then you have about sixteen said sir eighteen and said of
of these things so then you have many many pictures and dishes and but you do with them all after
so i felt as the cooking of perplexed what am i going to do

cause you know people are going to become in and they're going to say why
why can't i have what i want
and shouldn't you be providing it for me
this is just a basic human question right
why can't i have what i want what's the problem
well after two or three mornings to this i have been serving breakfast and then the way somebody came out of the meditation and said suzuki roshi wants everybody in the meditation i was going to give a lecture
so we went in it's very exciting a lecture and he said
i really don't understand you americans
when you put so much milk and sugar on your cereal how are you going to taste the true spirit of the grain
did you think that you could make every moment of your life taste just the way you like it too
why didn't you see if you can taste the true spirit of the grain why don't you see if you can trust the true spirit of the moment why don't you see if you can taste your own true spirit
why don't you see if you can taste the way things are instead of trying to make everything taste the way you want it to
so we put away all of our condiments except for then we started serving toasted ground sesame seeds and salt
to this day now
we serve a sesame syrup with a lot of our meals and some people just go ahead and put it on everything
so that everything tastes the same this is
you know like toasted sesame salt
this is different you know this present school so it's everything tastes like toasted sesame syrup
you know rather than like a st francis apparently put ash on everything so it all tastes the same
so you when get too involved with what taste like what
anyway
so i've been thinking a lot about this that somehow
i'm sorry i haven't become much of an advanced practitioner of draw this years i'd just starting over again you see why didn't i taste the true spirit
of the moment but i have been noticing a partly i noticed a thought of this because i've been noticing how tempting it is to want to make things taste the way i want them to or moments be the way i liked to
i do have my preferences
i have some taste after all
and it would be nice if after you know years of practice maybe i could become more skillful at making things taste the way i want
or would i become more developed it taste in the way things are to understand the difference here
a couple
ha
after i've been cooking for a while
i realized that i had a flavor in mind that i wanted things to taste like that i thought was good
course not everybody agreed
so what will you do
and then sometimes people would come in this kitchen and say the oatmeal this morning was too runny
it needs to be thicker we have a lot of work today we were in those days digging by hand our septic tank
to understand how much worth it is
the day after day to day you know to get down to in a twelve foot deep and about twelve foot square and
hauling dirt out there and you can just get a backhoe and for an afternoon and done
and
and then you know if the oatmeal was thicker another group of people came in the oatmeal this morning was too thick
what will you do
how can any of this you know
speaking of you know who are you trying to please you walk around outside or you know here you are in
there's no help for it
you know some people will people will respond in various ways is no way to have everybody be happy
so i am i discovered you know i would just have to do something and i also noticed that i i wanted to particular taste to understand and then i thought i'd finally die
he cited like one and i taste like you know lentils was the true spirit of lentils
before you add the onions and garlic in the oregano and the if you were a major you know the ham bone and
you know the parmesan cheese
want to let us taste like when a bitter taste like
what's the you know true spirit of broccoli
and you know if and can anything you know can something be the way it is
or do you have to make it taste a certain way
so i started tasting things very carefully
to see if i can appreciate the way something tastes the was something is
and it mean sometimes you know things are a tart
sometimes things are sweet sometimes things are bitter
pungent spicy plane
and would you feel about your own mind or being you know how how do you want it to be is there a way a flavor you want
and you're missing
can you make can you make it that flavor your life
can you make it taste the way you want to is there
i couldn't so you know classic kind of zen teaching
i'm at zen master named tank instead see with your eyes
smell with your nose
taste with your tongue
nothing in the universe is hidden
what else would you have me say
and of course what you wanted to say is how do i make it taste the way i want it to
tell me that why don't you
and then he would probably say you know there's not enough milk and sugar in the whole universe
or you know upside down idea
not a good plan
well
so i've been numb you know so what are we doing in meditation and now it's very tempting to think ah oh what don't i empty my mind
or calm my mind or pacify my mind or free my mom endure know and then what would indicate that i'd done that accepted it taste the way i wanted to
so it's easy to come up with various endeavors
then that one might try to do in meditation
oh not so long ago i came across a little book a friend of mine gave it to me and say and a hand lettered book i have it here and i would like to offer you and teachings from my latest
this is a little book by
a woman named linda linda dinan and then it's called conversations with the inner dog
conversations with the inner dog you know like kind of you're rushing your dogs have a long history and 's and you know kind of your overshoes to say zen is not like training your dog
sit feel
sit
quiet
and many people have understood that zen practice is actually like you know getting reacquainted with the your dog now this is she's talking actually to her dog okay i'm talking about the dog inside you know some people have said
when you practice then you will begin to realize after while dead
there's a dog down in the basement
the you locked up there a long time ago
and it wants to get out and in the meantime it's upset that you have locked it down in the basement and the long time ago you put it in the basement because you know the dog was doing some things that people did not find appropriate and suitable and they said too much to out meals to thin the opener
is too thick it's this is that you said oh okay well i won't serve that anymore and you put the dog down the you know maybe it was a little too maybe it laughed a little too much or barked or yeah ped or played a little too much it wasn't quite enough anyway put it in the basement and then if the dog is whimpering you're winding down there move up
a floor or two
and until where you are in your life it's quite enough you don't have to hear the doug this is otherwise known as your head
live in your head and pay no attention to the dog in the basement
so unfortunately or fortunately as it were you know zen is about dinner settling the self on the self or you know moving downstairs and then for encounter and we're encountering the dog within that you abandoned long ago and usually you know once you've abandoned lung there's two things that happens now there's a stage and abandonment
of resentment and whimpering and whining and then after that it just goes into you know the larger but the thar jack lethargy you know there's no energy there i have you used to this in your lives anyway
some of us we've encountered this kind of dog
and then when you first are encounter in the dog off and it's mad it's angry you left me here i don't want to have anything to do with you and then you know some people consider and practices you see if you get the food on a little dish and then you push it crossed the room on its day
nick
why
and would like to be your friend once again i'm not sure how to do this but here have a little food and eventually you know you're saying you know you can invite your dog the inner dog you yourself in a back into mixed company know and it was but the interest
dang thing of courses you know it's only the initial response of the dog bits in a resentment and anger and you know and then there's also a little fear like it will be a pushed back in the basement ghana you know so and there's a little anxiety and worry and then but at some point you know that's also dog bids very
a playful
right playful and and happy and energetic this is your energy and vitality and your creativity and you know your big life that's available once you get to know
your inner dog now this is actually talking to your dog the went out there
so i want to read you about and i think it's kind of interesting because you know you could use this to talk to your dog or to talk to your other dog you know the one inside
suggests this in here says presenting this as though it's just talking to the dog out there to understand i mean let's just keep it simple like were just talking about the dog out there how to talk
but she was having trouble with her dog and no matter how she'd tried to train your dog the dog wasn't getting very well trained and so she didn't know what to do and finally one day
the her dog that she says as a black and white springer spaniel
lashed out at another little smaller dog barking at him viciously fiercely
and she said that was the last straw and so she says i began talking with him about this behavior and to my surprise he listened attentively
from then on i began to tell him stories and his behavior began to change
i deliberately tried not to tell him what to do
but to pose problems to encourage him to think and to allow him to decide what to do
in short i appealed to the inner dog
and so she's created a series of conversations here with their dogs are thought to just read you a couple they're pretty short
just say a bit of flavor of you know how to speak to the underdog dog
do you think of this one is called dog training number four
he'll but don't follow
do you think i'm crazy trying to teach you
the current well i'm not
but it is a bit tricky trying to teach a dog
i don't want you to follow me
do you understand
it's a paradox i want you to heal but not follow
i mean i don't want a brainwashed dog
i want you to heal because you will be safe and we will be together
will be on the path together
won't that be nice
but it isn't important
you may have to go into the woods for a while you may need to encounter bears and deer and rabbits
they may be your teachers so i don't want you to do what i say just because you believe i know better or because you believe you will be punished if you do not
i want you to wake up
and stop being mechanical
i want you to see what all this teaching points to
and not simply master h little trick to satisfy me
you've been sitting up any little tricks for yourself to master
the turn of course you can learn to chase a ball or bring back a stick
so what
every what does any of that matter
you will be like the pious man who knows how to kneel and pray
sip the wine and launched the bread and hasn't a clue about god
well of course none of us do
but some of us know that we don't know
remember the person who holds the other end of the leash is a pool as well
think about that for a while

i thought there was pretty nervous
it's so easy to set up things to get done and make happen isn't it
make things the way you want them to be in a third little tricks quiet your mind sit still be quiet whatever you know
little performances the chicken put on for yourself or others
and what was the point
that one doing the training opinion you know the dog trainer the one doing the training to i'm making up the tricks the one on the other end of the leash as a fool as well
and that's often the one who needs a little waking up and you know give it a rest as far as like teaching the dog tricks
and than you know and rather than that's like adding the milk and sugar
a little trick you teach himself
so what about just learning to appreciate how you are
well here's another shirt one dog training number six
observe yourself and your thoughts today as you lol about in the shade of the cherry tree on your lawn
or as you run mindlessly up the driveway to bark at any passing automobile
watch how easily you are distracted

well if it works for a dog i would think it might work for husband anyway
ivan unfortunately or fortunately never been very good at training my dog
so i'm kind of
i'm afraid not true and you know my dog isn't very well trained and fitted
but you know that's where goes
come to understand is your dog pretty well trained
mine gets out a lot
and tends to in like i was in cleveland recently and
i was teaching a contemplative cooking class
you know how people advertise these things
ed brown will teach a contemplative cooking class
i mean they have no idea
not a clue
and even before the class i'd try to warn people you know because of all my past experiences in cooking classes and try to warn people and i said you know i'm feeling kind of anxious about this class today and how it's going to come out
and right away the woman says but tube done so much as then meditation why are you anxious
the like yeah if have done a lot as and meditation you'd have a completely well trained dog
who just was never anxious and just did all the right kind of tricks ah
jump they're just the right kind of hoops with just the right kind of demeanor he had just the perfect kind of performance like it was some kind of dog show
oh sure you know that was so different you know a couple of years ago several years ago
i always add i was at tassajara and i told the people i'm really kind of anxious before my retreat
you know and i'm i'm
i've just had to move my cabin and it hasn't happened and i don't know where my stuff is it's out and some cards and and need some white sheets there and can always etc and then right away the woman sitting next to me she said oh you're anxious i'm anxious to and then she grabs my hand and she pulls it right up to your chest
and by golly your heart's going thum thump thump thump thump thump thump we are anxious
the and you know where friends to this day
we're talking about you know you know one dog in meets another i mean this is
this is how you know you get to be friends you know you don't get to be friends by i'm sorry but i'm not going to let you know that actually i'm terribly anxious and i'm just because i wouldn't even want to recognize it myself because of i recognize didn't acknowledge it you might notice it to and i think it's better to be in denial but what i'm really feel
and and pretend that i'm not don't you isn't that a good thing to do
oh sure
so then i went into whole rant about course unfeeling what i'm feeling thank you very much and i don't need you to tell me how to what i had to be here and
and i know what i'm feeling okay i'm not going to hide it or deny it you know and maybe you could try that too and there's a matter of fact
why don't you know and then as a matter of fact you know i am responsible for this class today and you're not
anyway you know so
you know years of zen practice and getting my dog world trained you know
but i have been having these conversations with the inner dog in are just trying to sort things out it's training what is important and finally you know
since it's not going to happen and
and interestingly enough you know there's this basic issue of it just doesn't taste the way i wanted to
and is there a possibility know this is buddhism noble truth number one right it doesn't taste the way i wanted to
i'm not the kind of person i'd like to be things are happening that i don't find tasteful i find them distasteful to understand lot of things happen like that and so i've been practicing for years now and i'm still haven't come to rest with that okay
i understand it is it's you know now and again i come to rest with that that's noble tooth number three that it's possible to come to rest with the fact that it just doesn't taste the way i wanted to and there's not enough milk and sugar and the universe to do anything about it
man
and then you might have to just eat it anyway
our
i thought you were as and chef
can't you do something with this
to make it palatable
i don't think so
ha
so when i think about it there's two or there's too assertive you know what is the true spirit or kenya taste tasted true spirit or when you start to
unadorned you know unadulterated what's it like you know when you don't cover it when you don't fix it manipulated fuss with it control it know try to help
no make it the way it should be
what is it like them
so there's kind of two ways you know we study this right one way is it sweet and sour and salty it's bitter it's pungent it's playing it's anger it's shame and disappointment it's thinking it's seen hearings
smelling tasting is know we have names and labels with these things
it's judgment
you know it's
my idea
and then the other way is you know it's not anything in particular
finally you know it
there's no reality
or you know it's buddha nature we say
you yourself or not anyone in particular and as soon as you put in name on who you are or description that's not you that's an object of your awareness that you put a label on that's not you was putting on labels
and hugo's been in a neighbors is just a name so you yourself you know have no name
and you're also someone who's angry and scared and ashamed
judging
so the true taste you know is also that there's no there's nothing that's fixed there's nothing that's final
and then as far as i can tell you know
our tradition isn't finally about becoming
you know been able to
be skilled you know and dog training
so our tradition of our tradition says things like
our teaching is passed down from the ancient booze
we don't talk about meditation
we don't talk about meditation or spiritual progress
how could you measure in meditation or spiritual brokers except
by you know how skillful you are had the particular trick your learning so we're not talking about that and said no and this is you know the vintage your shirt toe so and then classic phrase you know in such as and mind it's a
so is buddha
mind itself your own aware essence is wholly were the compassionate
you know is empty has no and there's no buddha
but we use buddha as a kind of word to point to preciousness of your mind of mind itself they were essence which is nameless which is beyond which has no description and it's various descriptions
mind itself is buddha buddha sentient beings mind enlightenment affliction different words for the same thing your own aware essence is still incomplete
neither fine night nor eternal and had defiled not pure the aware essence are unaware essence mind itself
never mind itself never at a problem
this is a kind of trust or confidence or you know we sometimes a faith in mind
and that everything that's happening is like
you know why can't you tell me how to make it taste the way i want but your mind is already in a functioning shirt ptosis outside
outside of the patterns
so your mind will right away give you various pieces of information that are outside the pattern outside of the way you're trying to make things your mind is free from the start
your mind was never bound mind is always free
mine is not or we could say mind is not liberated
you know not bound not liberated they were essence
so this is just to have some confidence you know and in know so many things happen
well i mean when i was younger i had no idea
but someday things happen
hence very challenging to to meet life moment after moment
why did some it is possible to rest at least now and again in the flavor and taste and then knowing the true spirit of things
tasting the way things are which is no an example that is security one time somebody said who are you
and he said i'm someone who you can see
and here
and listen to
you know color sound smell and i'm someone beyond description
each of us is like this and sure spirit of things is like this
you know there's the description and it's beyond description
and we can rest and
so again it was very suede coming into the room today
feeling near settled feeling the room settled
and the since i've been you're tasting
this moment
not getting too involved with how to fix it in learning the next trick
what to do about this how to handle the head
i don't know
i'm sure there are people can help you with those tricks but i'm sorry i won't be able to
anyway thank you so much for your lovely presence lessons
tension and equally
the