Remind me during the break that the Dalai Lama hasn't been well and it's been reported that he's actually been hospitalized. So I thought maybe we could chant and send our prayers. So how about a Tibetan chant, Om Mani Padme Hum, and we could do that a number of times and I'll hit the bell now and again, and you can let the sound, you know, consciousness of course is very mysterious, so in consciousness, you know, we don't have to worry about space or time or how far the Dalai Lama is or, you know, we can just immediately be with him in consciousness and send our prayers with the sound, and the sound is immediately there. So you let the sound wash into you and wash out of you and wash all through you and share your heart. We'll send it out to the Dalai Lama, and of course, a little side effect, but you know,

[01:07]

we don't go for self-improvement much in Buddhism, but a little side effect, you know, you can be in on it too. We're also, you know, sending good energy to ourselves and among, you know, everyone in the room here. So I'll hit the bell, Aum Mani Padme Hum, and we'll do this a number of times, and then I'll hit the bell a couple of times and you'll know to stop, okay? Aum Mani Padme Hum, [...] Aum Mani

[02:15]

Padme Hum, Aum Mani [...] Padme Hum,

[03:25]

Aum Mani Padme Hum, [...] Aum Mani Padme Hum. Um, good evening once again.

[04:26]

Can you hear me okay? Alright. I can't tell. So, I think when I was younger and when I started practicing Buddhism, I didn't realize it was going to be this difficult. I had more that idea that if you did spiritual practice, you know, it would be kind of like an insurance policy or kind of an immunity plan. But you know, it's difficult. It's difficult to be with, you know, the experiences that come up in our life. And what makes it more difficult, of course, and what Buddhism says is real suffering is, you know, thinking about how stupid you were that you couldn't avoid the difficulty you're having. Oh, then you're really miserable. But someone, for instance, just came up to me and said, oh, my wife is sick, you know, very sick, kidney, liver, lungs, skin.

[05:30]

And you know, we're all going to be old and die. And our friends, our relatives, in no particular order, we don't know. My companion Patricia's father in the last year was diagnosed with ALS. I mean, what kind of a deal is that, you know? ALS is where, you know, progressively become paralyzed. So far, he's just lost his jest. He's about, you know, lost about 80% of his capacity to speak and to swallow. And the Dalai Lama is sick. And, you know, we're pretty good, if we can get here. So, tonight, as I mentioned, I think I'm going to talk to you a little bit about Suzuki Roshi.

[06:45]

I'll read a lecture and we'll see what else we want to visit about as the time goes on. Would that be all right, if you don't mind? So, I met Suzuki Roshi in 1965. I thought I'd practice Zen for a year or two and get enlightened and then, you know, get on with my life. But I had the idea, as many people have had, that, you know, it would be really kind of a cool thing to be enlightened, because if you ever got in an argument with anybody or, you know, any conflict, I'm enlightened, you're not. So, I'm, you know, my anger is, you know, I'm only getting angry as a teaching for you and, you know, I'm only having an affair with your wife, you know, because it will bring up good issues for you. No, nothing personal here. Just all a teaching, you know.

[07:47]

But I'm afraid I was never very good at that and didn't quite work out that way. Well... But Suzuki Roshi struck me the very first time and many people have had this very, you know, very similar experience. The first time, after meditation, we used to walk out of the meditation hall through his office and he would bow to each person after meditation. I was 20 years old, so I wondered, will he like me? And we bowed and I looked to see if he liked me or not, and there wasn't a... There wasn't a clue. He had a very impassive, you know, quite impassive expression. No trace of a smile. And yet, I just felt completely received. Sometimes when people are impassive, you feel distanced.

[08:51]

It was very striking. I don't know, you know, and many people said that. Now that I've studied, you know, I came across something Dogen said. He's the Zen teacher who started this Soto school in Japan in the 13th century. He said, to realize unsurpassed perfect enlightenment is to be unstained. Unstained is a nice word because, you know, essentially your mind, my mind, consciousness itself is unstained. There's nothing that can stain consciousness. You can make the mistake of believing that some experience you're having is staining your consciousness. But consciousness is unstained because one moment it can be one way and the next moment something else. That's to be unstained. And Dogen said, to be unstained is like meeting somebody for the first time and not thinking about whether you like them or not.

[10:00]

Suzuki Roshi was like that. It wasn't about whether he liked or didn't like. Sometimes now, occasionally I do cooking classes, so I tell people, taste what you put in your mouth. That's like meeting somebody for the first time. But, you know, there's two things that people do. One is they say, well, there's more than that, but, you know, the things that, one of the things that people do is they say, and what should I be tasting? Because they want to have the right, we want to have the right experience. Could I experience my experience and just have it? Or, no, I want it to be the right one. And the other thing, you know, if I ask people to taste something, they say, I like it or I don't like it.

[11:03]

They don't say, well, this is curious. It's a little salty and, you know, maybe a touch of cherries and there's a little sweet and, you know. You know, a little punch in or something. No, they, it goes, we go, we tend to go right to like or dislike. As though our liking and disliking was going to influence the world out there. If I don't like you, like you're really going to work on that so that I'll come around to liking you. You know, or if you don't like me, oh, okay, I'll work on that. I'll get better. I'll see what I can do so that you finally will like me. Oh, sure. How, how well has that one worked for you? Anyway, Suzuki Roshi was unusual this way. And many people had this experience and felt completely received by him. And it was like being seen through.

[12:06]

I felt just seen through and it didn't matter. Because, you know, normally you feel like you can hide stuff. Like they won't see that and I'm fine, thank you. And you feel like they're not going to see. But with Suzuki Roshi it's like, whoa. And there was no help for it. I felt seen. This is very powerful. And in a way meditation is about, you know, being willing to be seen and to see and to be seen. Sometimes people call that showing up. You know, when you meditate, you're going to have to show up really for a lot of experiences that normally you would not choose to show up for. You start sitting still, closing your mouth, not talking, not moving. And you're going to have experience that normally you would walk away from or you would tell them to shut up. So you might actually have some of these experiences like, you know, ALS or being sick.

[13:16]

But, you know, for you it's just sitting still and it's a feeling or it's a thought or a sensation. And there you are with it. And this is very simple, you know. What we're learning in meditation is the capacity to come to stillness, to come to rest with this whole vast range of what it is to be human. And all the thoughts and feelings and sensations we could have as a human being. And to not be moved by them. It's very literal. So I started practicing at Zen Center. Later on, you know, the FBI investigated me. I was applying to be a conscious objector. So, and then several years later, you know, with the Freedom of Information Act, I got my report. And it turned out that Suzuki Roshi had been interviewed by the FBI. And that he said that I was a very sincere student as demonstrated by the fact that I came to meditation every morning at 5.45.

[14:23]

But I stayed at Zen Center because of Suzuki Roshi. I kept meditating because of Suzuki Roshi because he seemed to think this was a good thing to be doing. What did I know? And, you know, we all have our individual karma, so to speak. I coincidentally was listening to a tape of Robert Bly doing a poetry reading here to benefit Spirit Rock, 1984-85. I got the tapes after the event, you know. And Robert Bly is saying, he's reading this poem and afterwards he says, you'll notice in this poem here, you know, this is not going, this is not in accord with the current psychological babble, you know. Oh, my parents were such shits, that's why I'm a shit. He said, you were a shit before you were born, get over it. And then in his poem he says, and, you know, setting aside, you know, good, bad, you know, good health, bad health, good things happen, bad things happen. Let's agree to climb the tree and steal the crow's black egg.

[15:51]

And he says, how's that? Does that go along with your new age, your new age politeness? You're going to have to do some stealing. Oh, he's mean, isn't he? But, you know, we say the same thing in Zen, if you want the Dharma, you have to steal it, you have to steal it from your teacher. Nobody's going to give you anything. You know, like, recently somebody was telling me about, you know, their brother-in-law who always went to their father and, you know, like, he owed them something. You know, owes me a living, owes me this, owes me that. Finally his father disowned him. That's how much I owe you. Anyway. But I stayed at Zen Center because of Suzuki Rishi. And over the years I had many experiences.

[16:54]

And at one point, you know, I thought, why is Suzuki Rishi making me stay here at Zen Center? Easy, you know, to project on your teacher. But it just all just dropped off of him. I would watch him and he just didn't seem to be doing anything to me at all. He was sitting, he was bowing, he was chanting. He was going about his business. And he did certain things, you know. Which are traditional for Japanese Zen, I think. I mean, he was pretty careful. If you ever said, you are so amazing, you are so remarkable, you are such a great teacher. And he'd say, it's because you, you know, understand, it's because you're Buddha that you can see that in me. This kind of thing. There's a wonderful story, you know, there's a little book called To Shine One Corner, which is little teaching stories of Suzuki Rishi. One of those stories, he's talking about his attendant.

[17:57]

And it says his attendant, after he'd been out in the garden working in his rock garden, he came back and he was outside of his cabin washing his feet. And the attendant reached out and handed him a towel to dry his feet. And he said, that's exactly what Buddhas do. She said, what do you mean? And he said, they anticipate people's needs and meet them before they have to ask. He was so generous that way, you know. And if you ever gave him something, he right away took it and put it on the altar. And then, and then bowed. And it was like, he'd never had it. And you'd want to say, but wait a minute, I gave that to you. I was giving that to you. And always the feeling was, no, you're really giving it to Buddha. And I'm only the recipient, you know. Because you're Buddha, you give something to Buddha. Because I'm Buddha, I give it to Buddha.

[18:59]

You know, we keep giving something to Buddha. And Buddha, you know, is just a name for something. It's just a name. And he said, and there's no Buddha. You know. One time, after I hadn't been sitting in Zen for a very long, Suzuki Roshi said to me, I used to sit in the very back of the meditation hall. Because I thought I would just be inconspicuous. Because it seemed like, you know how it is around spiritual places, that they want to sit up front. Because they're important, or something. Or you get more that way. And I thought, hey, I'm more advanced than that. So I'm not going to push my way to the front.

[20:01]

You know, I'm going to be willing to sit in the back. And then he said to me one day, you should sit in the front. You should sit in the front, because I noticed that after about 30 minutes of meditation, you're going to sleep. And if you sit up in the front, then I can get up from my seat and hit you when you go to sleep. We've kind of gotten over this tradition here in America. But he did have a nice, you know, healthy stick. He had a little stick. One time, you know, he broke a stick hitting someone. And, oh, that's another whole story. But he may have broken more than one stick. So he had this broken stick. And, you know, these priests from Japan were coming to visit. So he said to Paul Disko, who was the carpenter, he said, would you mend this, but not too well? So when the Japanese teachers were visiting,

[21:03]

the important Japanese dignitaries from the Soto school in Japan were visiting, he could take the stick and hit somebody, and it would break. And they would be very impressed. So I did what he told me. I sat up in the front, and I was very touched. You know, here's somebody who will get up from his meditation to hit me. And I felt like I didn't want to disturb his meditation by going to sleep. But sure enough, I would go to sleep, and I'd be nodding. And then, bap, bap. It turned out, when we started doing this in later years to each other, it turned out to be kind of, to get really strange. You know, men hitting women, women hitting men, guys hitting guys.

[22:05]

It got into, like, punishment and payback and, you know, all this weird stuff. But when Suzuki Roshi, you know, when the Japanese teachers hit us, it was really quite remarkable. Because when you get hit like that, bap, bap, bap. He used to do two hits, bap, bap, and bap, bap, on each shoulder. And then whatever was going on was gone. So, you know, you've heard, you know, that anything, you know, is just passing. And it went. And there would be several moments where you were very clear. And then, little by little, you would, like, get the world together again. What was I thinking about? And what was so important? And what do I need to do? Where am I going? Where am I at? How do I get there? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with them?

[23:06]

And you'd get it all figured out again, like, what was going on in the world and what you should be doing. Remember those meditation instructions. Anyway. But one of the things I find interesting, and I'm calling this new book of lectures Not Always So, because Suzuki Roshi didn't stick to the same way of teaching. Later, there was a period of time, for many years, I couldn't sit still in meditation. I figured out now that it has to do with a certain perfectionist mentality. If you want to sit perfectly, in order to be perfect, and basically what being perfect means is, you have no anger.

[24:08]

You're not going to do anger. So, rather than doing anger, you just get incredibly rigid and stiff. And then you can, or, you know, you can either do rigid stiff or numb. So, I'm good at both rigid stiff and numb. And that was from before I was born. So, it wasn't anything they did to me. But anyway, I couldn't sit still, so I'd do all sorts of things. Actually, one time, mostly if I was moving in meditation, people wouldn't hit me. But if I ever stopped moving, then I'd fall asleep, and then they'd hit me. So, then I'd wake up, and I'd start moving again. I learned all kinds of involuntary movements, many, many kinds. And I found out if you stop them in one place, they come up in another, and you can't. There's something inside of you, and it's moving around,

[25:09]

and no matter where you try to grab it and stop it, it comes out somewhere else. Do you have anything like that in your life? Most people don't do it so literally. You know, but I was involved with this Zen thing, so I was doing it fairly literally. Anyway, at one point, that reached a kind of a climax, where when I was moving, they'd hit me, and when I went to sleep, they'd hit me. And at one point, actually it was Copponcino, he came off the altar from where he was sitting, and he came over to me, and he said, let's go outside. And as soon as I got right at the door, I started crying. And then, I couldn't see, and he took me by the hand back to my room, and he laid me down, and I started just sobbing, and my arms and legs were just flapping uncontrollably. So, that's called, I don't know what you call that, but, you know.

[26:13]

I had a word for it for a while. It's sort of like really sobbing. I mean, it's the intense version of sobbing. Your arms and legs flap, and then he was like rubbing me all over, and he was saying, it's okay, it's okay, go for it, you know, sort of. Then after I calmed down, the person who lived in the room next door came by and said, I've learned about Ralphie, and I can help you out here. Why don't you release a few more things? I'll just dig into your chest here a little bit. You know, we can help each other out this way, I'm sure. But, Suzuki Roshi then, he used to sometimes stop and just put his hands on my shoulders. And that was very unusual, and I would get very calm, very still. And there is this quality of touch. I asked him at one point, so what are you doing? He said, I'm meditating with you.

[27:16]

So, you know, since then I've studied this kind of touch. This is the kind of touch that I call mindfulness touch. And, you know, this is a touch that's not, and you know, it's not so different, for instance, than Rosenwerk. I went to a workshop with Marian Rosen one time and some other people, and that's the first thing they teach you is could you just touch and not do anything, just receive what's going on with someone. And let them be who they are and have the thoughts and feelings that they're having and the sensations they're having and don't do any fix, help, you know. So, you're not doing get over there, you know, get over there, come over here, calm down, straighten up, you know, take it easy, relax, get over it. You're not trying to correct, you know, you're just receiving. And it is so wonderful to be received like this. So, when he did that with me, I would just, I would just get very settled and still.

[28:23]

And sometimes, you know, it's, anyway, pretty soon, you know, your body disappears and things. I mean, it's, anyway, but it's a very sweet thing. So, Suzuki Rishi sometimes would come by and at one point he said to me, you know, if I thought you were going to go on with these movements for this long, I never would have let you get started. I don't know what he thought he would have done. And one time in meditation I was moving, and he came up to me and said, do Kinnian. Kinnian is the walking meditation we do. And I said, what? Because I was trying to be a really good Zen student, which meant when people are sitting, you sit. When they walk, you walk. You don't get up and walk when they're sitting.

[29:27]

Why are you telling me this? So, I got up and walked. And the thing that really distressed me about that was that morning I decided, instead of trying to stop the movements, why don't I experience them? Why don't I see what happens if I just go along with movements rather than trying to stop them? And the first time I tried that, he said, get up and walk. So, I thought, oh, maybe this is not a good idea. So, I went and asked him. I said, you know, this morning I was trying to just sit and go with the movements rather than trying to stop them, and to see what I could find out about them. And then the first I tried that, right away you came and told me to do walking meditation. So, was that okay for me to do that or not? And he said, that's wonderful. Why don't you see what you can find out? So, that's like, that's really sweet, you know, that somebody doesn't say, I'm right.

[30:44]

And you can talk something over. I used to, Suzukuro used to stand on the bridge at Tassajara. There's a little side creek there. Just looking out at the trees. So, and I lived in the first cabin right across the bridge. So, sometimes I would stop and stand next to him while he was looking out. And one day he said, those rocks outside your door don't look so good.

[31:55]

And I had piled up rocks because the doorstep from my cabin was about a foot and a half, two feet tall above the ground. So, I had just piled up some rocks for some steps leading up to the floor of my room. He said, those stones don't look so good. I said, I know. And he said, you know, in Japan we pile up stones like that on graves. I said, yes, and you know, they're kind of wobbly. I don't know so much about rocks, working with rocks. I didn't think anything of it. But then several weeks later, you know, he said to me one day, do you know that rock outside the office? And there was this big rock outside the office, about this long and about this high. And people used to, in those days, you know, a lot of people smoked. The 60s. I'm sure nobody here smokes.

[32:57]

Buddhists don't do that smoking thing so much anymore, you know. But a lot of people smoked. And a lot of people who had quit smoking before they came to Tassajara found it was a great thing to do in a monastic situation where your other pleasures are severely limited. And they'd read their mail. They'd sit on the rock and he'd say, do you know that rock outside the office? I've asked Paul Disko to move that outside your cabin to be your doorstep this afternoon. Would that be all right? I said, well, people like that rock and they use it for all kinds of things. I don't know. And he said, we'll get another one. So I was sitting in my room that afternoon and sure enough, we would sometimes put these big rocks on a metal sled and then tow it behind this 1948 Dodge Power Wagon. So you could hear it coming, scraping along the ground, scrape, scrape, scrape.

[34:01]

And then it got to the bridge, which is right near my cabin. And then it really screeches, like really loud, that chalkboard thing scratching across the bridge. And then the thing stops and I go out and they, sure enough, they'd start tossing the little rocks that are piled up over the edge and move this big, beautiful rock over to that cabin door. So then every time, you know, I would walk in or out of my cabin, very solid. Every time I knew Suzuki Roshi loved me. Our life is really very simple, you know. That's a simple thing to do. But often we don't think of those things, the simple things.

[35:05]

So with that, anyway, why don't I read you a lecture here. This is the title lecture. I thought, well, I'll read you the title lecture, not always so. What I did was I read a lot of lectures and then I edited them. I kept the lectures together. So I didn't take parts of one lecture and, you know, try to combine them with other lectures. It's just one lecture but then it's about half or two-thirds as long as it was. And I put it into English instead of Japanese English. Although I think it was, you know, it was admirable of Suzuki Roshi to speak English. And in a way it seemed to invigorate, you know, his teaching. So this lecture is called Not Always So. In Buddhist scripture, there is a famous passage that explains that water is not just water. For human beings, water is water.

[36:23]

But for celestial beings, it is a jewel. For fish, it is their home. And for people in hell or hungry ghosts, it is blood or maybe fire. If they want to drink it, water changes into fire and they cannot drink it. The same water looks very different to various beings. Most people think that water is water is the right understanding and it should not be a home, a jewel, blood or fire. Water should be water. But Dogenzenji says, even though you say water is water, it's not quite right. When we practice zazen, and zazen, you know, is the Japanese word for meditation, sitting zen, we may think this is the right practice and we will attain something perfect and correct. But if you ask Dogenzenji, he may say, not quite right.

[37:26]

The point is, this point is a good koan for you to study. When we say water is water, we understand things materially. We say water is H2O. But under some conditions, H2O may be ice or mist or it may be vapor or a human body. It's only water under some circumstances. For convenience, we may tentatively say that water is water. But we should appreciate water in its true sense. Water is more than just water. Don't you suppose that's true of you, too? When I am drinking water, water is everything. The whole world is water. Nothing exists besides water. When we drink water with this understanding and attitude, that is water. And at the same time, it is more than water. When we just sit in meditation, we include everything.

[38:32]

There is nothing else, nothing but you. That is shikantaza. We become completely ourselves. We have everything and we are fully satisfied. There is nothing to attain. So we have a sense of gratitude or a joyful mind. I think I understand why you practice asana. Most of you are seeking for something. You seek what is true and real. Because you've heard so many things you cannot believe in. You're not even seeking for what is beautiful because you've found that something which looks beautiful may not actually be beautiful. It is just the surface of something or just an ornament. You're also aware of how people can be hypocritical. Many people who appear to be virtuous don't convey real gratitude or joyful mind, so you don't trust them. You don't know whom to trust or what teaching to believe,

[39:34]

so you come here looking for something. I can't give you what you're seeking because I myself don't believe in any particular thing. I don't say water is water or that water is a jewel or a house, fire or blood. As Dogen Zenji said, water is more than that. We may want to stick to righteousness, beauty, truth or virtue, but it's not wise to seek for something like that, something to stick to. There is something more. I have noticed that you like to travel. Today Alaska, the next day India or Tibet. You're seeking for something, whether it's fire or a jewel or something else. When you realize it's not always so, you cannot believe in these things anymore and your way of seeking the truth will change.

[40:36]

Otherwise, you will be sticking to something. To seek for a great teaching like Buddhism is to seek for something good. Whatever you find, you will be like a sightseer. Even though you don't travel in your car, spiritually you are sightseeing. Oh, what a beautiful teaching. This is a really true teaching. To be a sightseer is one of the dangers of Zen practice. Be careful. To be captivated by the teaching doesn't help at all. Don't be fooled by things, whether it's something beautiful or something that looks true. This is just playing games. Trust in Buddha, trust the Dharma and trust the Sangha in its true sense. Real freedom is to not feel limited when wearing this Zen robe, this troublesome formal robe. Similarly, in our busy life we should wear the civilization without being bothered by it,

[41:41]

without ignoring it, without being caught by it, without going anywhere. Without escaping it, we can find composure in this busy life. Dogen Zenji says to be like a boatman. Although he's carried by the boat, he's also handling the boat. That's how we live in this world. Even though you understand how to live in this world like a boatman, that does not mean you are able to do it. It's very difficult, which is why we practice Zazen. Yesterday I said, however painful your legs are, you shouldn't move. Some people may have understood what I said literally. What I really was saying is that your determination to practice Zazen should be like that. If it's too painful, you can change your posture, but your determination should be like that. And should be is also a good example. It's not necessarily so. The secret of Soto Zen is just two words, not always so.

[42:47]

On the tape he says, whoops. Three words in English. In Japanese, two words. Not always so. This is the secret of the teaching. It may be so, but it's not always so. Without being caught by words or rules, without too many preconceived ideas, we actually do something, and doing something we apply our teaching. To stick to something rigidly is laziness. Before you do something, you have to do it. If you do something difficult, you won't understand it, so you're caught by words. When you are brave enough to accept your surroundings without saying what is right and what is wrong, then the teaching that was told to you will help. If you are caught by the teaching, you will have a double problem, whether you should follow the teaching or go your own way. This problem is created by grasping the teaching, so practice first, and then apply the teaching.

[43:55]

We practice zazen like someone close to dying. There's nothing to rely on, nothing to depend on. Because you are dying, you don't want anything, so you cannot be fooled by anything. Most people are not only fooled by something, they are also fooled by themselves, by their ability, their beauty, their confidence, or their outlook. We should know whether or not we are fooling ourselves. When you are fooled by something else, the damage will not be so big, but when you are fooled by yourself, it's fatal. You may feel some resistance to this zen way of life or to your life in the world, but don't be lost in resistance. Do you understand? If you're deeply involved in resistance or fight, you will lose yourself. You will lose your strength, lose your friends and your parents. You will lose everything, your confidence, the brightness of your eyes.

[45:00]

You are a dead body, and no one will say, Oh, I'm sorry. No one will say so. So look at your face in the mirror to see if you're still alive or not. Even though you practice zazen, if you don't stop being fooled, it won't help at all. Do you understand? Let's practice hard while we are still a little bit alive. Thank you very much. Well, look at that. It's just about 9.15. I had no idea. I've taken up all the time now. Well, maybe we have five minutes. So I just thought tonight I'd just ask you, speaking of resistance and not being caught in resistance, will you have this body? Will you have this mind, the one that you have right now?

[46:05]

And you know, it's a challenge, don't you think? Just go ahead and have this body and this mind rather than thinking, There must be a better one. If I just knew how to practice. A better body, a better mind. One that was more calm, more peaceful, more generous or kind. It's hard not to get caught in some gaining idea. It's difficult to just be yourself. So, Suzuki Roshi said, you know, to practice zazen, to practice Buddhism is just to be yourself. Always yourself, moment after moment. That's shikantaza, that's Buddhism. This body, this mind. Okay? Thanks.

[47:11]

Many blessings, prayers.

[47:16]

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