1984.04.10-serial.00317

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see and listen to them
the younger and except that issues that other side the as

huh
i do you suppose when we say out there to teach the truth
the to target his words
that means it
you will
and that i will have children with the to target is now
i mean that always puts them lecture on the spot to stay this the to target his words but what about in such a target is a ears are the to type in his mouth
anyway here it too
i made this i just think about this because of the shows facility
hmm

yesterday i i succeed more about what i was stuck in that i had been tracking level
hmm
about as the burgers fish
if a bird or fish tries to reach the end of its
for moving in if a resident organisers and it will not find its way or it's place
oh and i thought about a different way to another wasted
how i notice
how we sent do that
hi this is related to the whole business of
at that
i was how i want things to be
the way i like things to be
how how things should be
how does the for seems to be
and so we are
and sometime soon
nowadays are some question then what do i do about my legs hurt hurting or what do i do about anger which i do about fear
how do i start smoking
inside

and so the idea seems to be to earn decorated something

and it just some problems
have that fear or anger
her sadness as
similar
there's some traveling about them
agreed eight installation
there's some and problem that i'm being attached

can we find ourselves in a some contradictory situation of
how ben
enjoying something but also i knew empty
meaningless
where it doesn't seem to be
what we really want
and but we can't get out of it
that it makes me mad
but i don't want to be angry
and so we have that kind of
dilemma
and certain times a week
can raise the question
what's the
what's the problem about that
what's the problem about and having problems
i'm particularly deep
kind of problems we have a students machine
they're such wonderful thousands to house
i'm like oh
the kind of sad
it sounds so simple and the president
of sitting in one place
and impressing your lazy
doing whatever you do there it's such a simple problem compared to them
rather than it is rather straightforward is to choose their soups
oh my life doesn't seem to work very well and i don't know where to to heroin
yeah this just happening and that's happening
it's all kind of big
you know some people out there are starving and this is fattening
working since in someone
and
anyway to sit this way things
this problem said are problem to very around
two as it
a practical level which where we can ex the as sit with him and learn what to do to resolve our problems
instead of from getting rid of them
and so it simply so this is
i raised this is some background to this i'm trying to go beyond our experience for reached the end of the elements
how is like this
hey
somehow we get this idea that the thing to do is to
go beyond all these things to reach the end of the elements to not have not
anger to not have fear to not get depressed
i'm basically to not have feelings i do not have sought to not have any experience
that we shouldn't be happening or that's not acceptable or something
and of course and it just turns out to be quite impossible
and it's very aggravating because industry as we have experience as soon as we know feeling as anything happens in are likely go on my guy still happy and i haven't been able to get rid of it but strong at me i shouldn't be able to get rid of this i shouldn't still have his palaces i've been vaccines and i'm old enough to not have this kind of brown said he won't but i still do this is terrible
one person i must be
now she called talking like that is that a problem or not
know what's the real problems there
two picked this is what came up in the first place or was it the fact that you didn't want any of that step around you say you say oh my god is still happening i'm still in fact i'm still alive i'm still an experienced
so breathing how awful
so this is what has been similarly
well
why we can say to you won't find their way or replace it will continually and rejecting our experience in that way because
it's not beyond enough it's not
accomplished to know
there's some something wrong with it
it's not accomplished enough it's not grown up enough
it's not competent enough

and then we have to ask yourself well
so we can also say well as it worked
i mean inserted sensex that's a kind of way to motivate ourselves
you're not competent enough you'll have to try harder for us says i'm trying hundred i promise there i will honest
i'm going to be really sincere now i'm going to really try hard and yeah i i guess i wasn't trying hard enough before i'm really trying hard now
so you can motivate yourself in that way
and then of course you could not measure up began and then you can further motivate yourself
and you can do this for years and years and years and does it actually gets if hasn't gotten anywhere that you've gotten a more competent and we've gotten any more accomplished if you've got any more realize by rejecting your experience in this way by rejecting yourself
over no resistance and rejecting an ejection putting yourself down
has it worked have you gotten anywhere
well have that years that i never got anywhere doing
i just where i got to doing that was feeling miserable
and so
and that's so insensitive now that's a one another way it another way to i described the first noble truth
that when we when we interact are thinking about things this way
conceptualizing things this way and then to have any experience at all any experience is suffering
because it's still experience it's too mundane and still ordinary
ah you still not enlightened
it's still not good enough
and that's called separate it hurts it's painful
why so and the alternative is to try to save and clearly a to move
in our government which is all this stuff this experience and these feelings thoughts perceptions impulses consciousness for
how to move in it
i am to see what what we do what we're doing
to see how to try to get rid of experience like that hasn't worked when we see it
that's when practice can begin
when we see
how like this settling
have you tried to get rid of
what we don't like and become accomplished and
i'm competent and so on up is
how that is suffering
and then what's the alternative and then we can turn to practice
have we can turn to
you're having some
ha
i'm looking into anger
i'm looking into fear i'm looking into what comes up with some a compassionate
i'm feeling some compassion is attention onto the details
to some examination of what is this about
why am i why would i behave like this
what
what do i want
mean
and if i know when one conclusion
as i don't want to separate
but that was why we did all that stuff in the first place
i don't want to separate fear and anger and frustration
so i put myself down to motivate myself to try harder so i won't have to suffer that stuff in the future
oh so we had this vow or intention all along
i'm not to suffer the problem was are we just didn't
has a very
useful are appropriate or functional way to and nice separate
it was a way that didn't work
huh
and so just for it to be a right to have problems
it's a whole lot of suffering
we'd better start to it
just for it to be all right in your father's
i just it to be all right to have experienced
what is it
and that i don't have to be a perfect and then i can have feelings
oh
that i don't have to be completely serious
and then i don't have to be perfectly enlightened and i don't have to be a completely realized
when i don't have to be
whatever
what a tremendous privilege
and how how buoyant
i can feel when i'm not
pushing myself putting myself down
for still being like this
after all these years
and i told you before
we shouldn't do that you never money
we keep nagging this afternoon but when we they've just to step on nagging yourself
huh
didn't
are you look into things you find out how things work
it doesn't have to do with all right or wrong or what's good and what's bad and how do things work how is it in anger arises what is it tried to when am i trying to communicate with my anger
oh what is this and
how can i express my feelings i do i act on
like that
how listing status

the
investigate
we call it sometimes mindfulness
many things in involved we can describe this investigation
i despair to be willing to have the experience for handing him
and this is quite different as i said yesterday
what it looks like when you are willing to have it and you look right at it
it's quite to continue when you are trying to get rid of it

virginia's that story
the history seven toted simpson and some time ago and each other combat
there's a farmer in africa
when this
is very near a deer kept come into his garden in this festival said his daughter and he said i take the bow and arrow gonna shoot that david seating a craft
so she went out to shooting and years
and she got up to it in ten just issue is about to shoot the deer the deer looked up in the tourney i
he's saying this wonderful song and the data just fell and broke into tears at the beauty of it and dropped the boeing aerospace outcomes that i can shoot at deer then the father as the sun and the same thing happened in any funding said while gaining ten around toronto area to do it yourself
so he goes out and of course exactly the same thing happens
he's very determined and serious nice going to get rid of that damn dear anyway it's eating up all his crabs and gets to shit it interesting a deer look seven of summarize the island and starts singing and because wow how you know
he's can't do anymore he places they visit tracker
he's intend to it really does
now it's in this way that time
when you're trying to get rid of something
are you see it as a seven-year since to hear you know you're trying to you're trying to do you trying to grow your crops by galleon you know to this nice that you've got this nice to the project in mind he lined up know you want to pick a nice kind of person they are pretty bruder out of yourself and this this
or whatever it is is eating away at it
and change it up and it's in northern eyelids and know you want to get rid of it slugger
this
so i bet if you
really stop
for a moment
in that trying to get rid of it and look straight at it and look it in the eye and
i hear it sing and you find out it's and that's exactly something you can get rid of surgery and you find out how his methods
your own life
and the depths of your own night
that had been trying he never did calling
you know out for so long
and don't know how to
i don't have the means to
then they put sermon
in some you know in in in the
i finding that you're doing you know project that you have in mind

i've inserted starting from there we can study
and in untouched
and the and subset majority know if you take whether it's the men in the walk in the wild man again on boy urged the oxford in pictures and the writer as a rather than came in the ox mostly we have to tim rider in the writer needs to not have this particular
your idea
at this project to their senses and how things should be been learned to ride
this wild
asked
and then eventually in there are three injections of course day
rider and the ox disappear
as they said a unity or wholeness

today

ha
the last part of the kinda con
is about the story about fannie i think you must know
mr
mr bauer j was
ha
but not neither was fan himself
one assumes that this was a the heat in the summer resident in them go winter pacific
the
huh
and a man came up to him instead
why don't you go some place where it's not how to not cold
suffer

recruitment
as if the decorative effect
right by directive
people

master to bennett and never

reminds me of the story
and long as the master them
i never mind
eh

and
and so the master about j
what's the telling himself
and not approach than said
nestor the
the nature of the wind
i is permanent and there's no place it does not reach
why is it that you and then why do you a fan yourself

huh
so then the end

i live in mastered

defense

this is definitely

the to and fruits are here
because it
which version do and say
so then the master said you
oh a you understand that the nature of wind is permanent and bet you don't i understand of the mean of it's reaching everywhere
ha so that the monk said
asked again and what is the meaning of it's reaching everywhere
and the master i just found himself
at the monk bad a deeply
huh

hey a says that
the actualization of a buddha dharma
and the vital path that is correct transmission is like this
if you
if you think you don't need to pay yourself
and then you don't understand that you understand neither did a minion of permanence
or it's reaching everywhere
where the nature of wind
huh
huh

so i thought i tuck
hey
to help talk about this i that i returned a bit about bit more about energy
i had to stop smoking
because i didn't tell you how i finally quit
and after having tried the
the smoking the zen smoking ceremony
not that necessarily as i said that the point is to quit
but in this case of turned out that's what happened

i tried
i tried many ways to stop smoking the first way i tried was
know making a deal with my senses if a if you quit smoking for one day and then you can smoke again
so that was the first day i quit and then i started again next day
and then i said at the limited a new to stop for two days and you can smoking in
i never got around it and then i did four days
and i started again then i took eight days
and then i did two weeks and then i did one months
and
so instead it was working out okay i mean you know i didn't have to smoke all the time ready to smoke the
hmm
and then i am
that well you know this
this is kind of a dumb way to stop smoking because
in order to stop you have to start again
so they get silk
and
credit to stopped
you know so i took the
you know the willpower approach determination
oh
don't you dare have a cigarette
i'm watching you all the time
you better behave yourself
and
i'm going to be really strong now
i'm not going to give in to temptation
so obviously you do this you know new setting up a kind of
if this is the way to gossip about it and when you when you go about it this way than you are setting yourself up for a fall right because there's gonna come a day when you're kind of tired
we kind of not up to
you know when your you're alert system i'm watching you constantly displays a day
you know nobody's watching

there's a day when i'm not quite so to kansas
and so that day came when and
oh i was reading tessera with some principally
oh and their car broke down
halfway up the hill
oh and there wasn't much to do then it was kind of discouraging to be and then nowhere in the first thing they did with the a cigarette
different
sir that circumstance i decided to have been to me is
it wasn't the place to be strong
to be watching what when did you only served like in bayonet the middle of nowhere and a stack and
don't know how you're gonna get home and seeing have to walk down the hill
i think in fact it would happened was then after we know by the time he finished secret somebody else him driving up the hill and stopped and i gotta ride into town
ah
so the cigarette dick just enough to honeymoon couple minutes later than the carpets at the happiness or it then it fill this gap
country
is it crazy driver i've i've never written with anybody who drives a person can evaluate and others that really sharp turn that as branches about halfway up the valley
when you're going into town is a very sharp bright hinting that get my god how does he ever been to make this terrorist
they didn't exactly have the the sensitive new the road forgot it's just drag fast
i'm
but he managed to spot we get up there and maybe he didn't know the road because he got up there and it's the last minute that there's a big a gravel area to the right there you can read goes alec isn't changing room is bigger and he just he had up there and peaches are right into the gravel area in cars
and the card you know people together and it's legit
haven't heard
have beneficial
that i decided to have another secret
the services
so a critical
know
the
when they met together and ones that you you
i'm better because this
and
once you've gotten once you've got it
the better the watchers fifteen
good gotten that what you to stop watching and briefly
you know it's awfully tiring for that watch your to be known said the watcher after was is well hacking of this let him do it because i'm tired of a nagging him all lieutenant dizzy watching it and keeping in line is len do it you know
that's not the package
as the didn't i still remember months and then will i quit again like
i can remember you know i tried several techniques for about four years i smoked for half the and bit crap the year and it's
i'd keep looking for ways to stats and
you see so i spent and then so i quit size determination and will and belittling myself
you don't really want a cigarette to you only have a wicked people my savings is you're really a yogi yogi don't smoke cigarettes the of goods instance these presidents will see you achieving them i know that when kagura she first came to america he smoke cigarettes but he's quit now he knows and that system japan and know there are they
no mercy
hundred and she's generation of buddhism and japan anyway because they say and data i can go about what kind of your is
and then no and yes so here i am down here you know tragic
not to smoke cigarettes and during a big good since student so on and i gotta see china census who's down here and i'd suggest and so i'm really depressed and upset and this just because you'd like to signify
krishna
the probably do a better if you have a cigarette
get out some nice english cigarettes or something navigating adherence like this in a nice cigarettes for around does area reserved this as chance to smoke
i can lot better
here so
after
so one thing led to another
in a waste
that will cover the wayside

they said you know it's wonderful to have some problem like this you get to
you find out what to do with it
i tried to various techniques
in a motivational techniques
i'm making myself feel guilty if i smoke cigarettes
i've been
a good a good sense to
here i am been a good sense to in same thing happens if here i am been a good sense to
and
there comes a day when at a time when know
it's just gotten off the person to be a good sense to and it's it's kind of bone in a suitcase stiffness about it
you're not much fun in it
oh
little bit like in
a in am a picture or post nipple you have to hold it means the good
in the he answered feeling of being watched and twenty
after i and just into very tiring to keep that up
as so naturally
and there must be a lot of
you know
like feelings and things that aren't having a chance to
and that is it worked
manifest departed at the wholeness of those life

as so then i started
a different approach which was
to to think about that well and served just trying to stop smoking when am i find out more about instead of just trying to get rid of it
hi which had worked when i tried to find out about it
what's the why am i smoking
and so then i noticed of course the kimbell
know as i tried to watch and well what happens
leading up to i light a cigarette know whether that would cause one wonder
and so of course is is typical with
and people who smoke i would notice that there's a certain anxiety at that anxiousness and nervousness or uneasiness
now that came up and the answer to that was ten secret
in other words in the text of them
well
you know it was actually some effort to
here's somebody who's anxious and i can do something nice for them i can reassure them i can i can give them a cigarette and they'll good better
you are a nice person
i'm a robbery sector
this is my body set about
coming up
but then i have to ask myself now wait a minute there is it just that exits are affected
because it is
anxiety and nervousness and
attention so at some point i quit smoking guess this time it was i'm going to find out about anxiety and going to find out about my nervousness
instead of
here's the then i've found out about it
and after a while i had to suit i would have to student curious and experiences i feel kind of anxious and nervous
and we're taking a while and finally hundred remember oh yeah this means that i wanted i want a cigarette
in before i'd have a cigarette before i noticed that those anxious
do you just you just have it you don't notice we don't actually notice all the steps but the once you start looking you notice how the steps and then you he realized it was
for this means i want a cigarette
i had to start translating it reminding myself i would remember finally
well or this this is this is that families they haven't in this is and this is what i have a cigarette
the team
while some point i don't remember what happened but after four months or six months or something i did have that went to and went back to smoking
now this teichner you know so much because of the exotic nature think it was more because i just like smoking and just really liked it it was it was enjoyable it was a pleasure why didn't i myself pleasure now it's not a matter of stopping anxiety but but producing
pleasure why didn't i produce pleasures
am
me

hey
so was somewhere in there i tried that the
come on you know the with the smoking ceremony this is and i'm continuing in vain them
i'm find it out instead of just trying to get rid of it find out what are the dynamics of it what's actually going on in once one finds out what's going on think about
how to work with what's going on in some
compassionate and thorough going away
and actually even though i didn't continue the
the smoking ceremony where long i am
i did start trying to smoke unconsciously rather than unconsciously
which was very difficult because
the it turned out that the pleasure of smoking was the unconsciousness at it
more than the
more than the actual experience of the smoke know that but it was a chance to switch into an unconscious mode
and then enjoy my son i can feel i've done i would feel get a feel some pleasure
what a relief or know as i said before whatever the not to be
the aim like this
join myself
controlling myself
why do we did what a pleasure
so this so so resistance smoking or resisted very much
my ever to and be conscious who i stopped
but one day i was an and particularly conscious
have smoking
and

rather like yo and doing as
how about smoking and but not in use and that's another story speak you know wealthy and
the residents looking visit in a rather than
the remembering exact into daily life
now that you have been daily like like zendo and know we sit in here and smoke cigarettes and intervention so probably know i've ever backbenchers and something but you know you take thousand and into your daily life
so
doesn't wouldn't make much sense of real said
and could listen to rock and roll and seventy years after ideas compassionate

ah
one layer is particularly conscious
and i i took a drag on the cigarette and night entail very consciously
and instead of just you know going into the automatic unconscious mode of how pleasurable this is you know instead of repeating the mantra to myself a pleasurable this is
well i was smoking i
the watched
what is it like
and i experienced
sign mouth and then go to
my chest
extreme revulsion back
and sickening feeling
ah
have you been
then then know i'd try to in
mrs same thing then i tried to some pleasure in it
when work
which
kinetic
and stencil i've smoked occasionally with
sometimes i smoke them window
some point in life
marriage was breaking up through
something like that i moved through
year four weeks to three cigarettes a day
it was rather contemplative and new to watch the smog forgotten
yeah
too busy bones that have been banned
hey you know cause myself some pain you know how appropriate time with feelings and pena
that's the thing
but it and
ever since that very conscious experience i don't haven't seen and i can't take the same interesting

how so
but today any man thinking that this is
rather like practice what practice is about and rather like of the wind and on the fence
now we have some
i fundamentally the wind is permanent part
are pure are deep a pure intention to put an end to suffering for said well being stored
realize herself however we describe her
a fundamental tension for now
how it's not exactly you know it's not something we make up
but it's the nature of the wind
to reach everywhere
and this is a wind that is present in reaches
everywhere
hmm
why then do we need to fan
huh
now i think out a spinning
we won't really i know
and notice how the wind
is permanent
i will be quite involved in are you shouldn't smoke
whenever you know some involvement in and how i should be in
well should be more confident in his pronoun more realization
it's so childish to get angry like this
without some funding and we can get quite involved in that and we want and notice
the wind is us we want our nervous or
get out of our intention
and how it's reaching everywhere it takes him and looking
it takes them failing to notice
that even though
ha
you know it's rather clumsy and operates trying to do something like smoking is is an expression of our intention i want to make this helpless
anxious person feel better
the poor person is and many such and shelf and help compliment a bit too
to find a little pleasure in this anyway
and so it's rather awkward and clumsy how this out
wind blows sometimes
now the kind of telling we do and so we need to study had to fan
ourselves and each other
and we then we see how and the wind is permanent our vow and sustains everything
how are good
fundamental intention
how pervasive it is
and but we don't see again know without the fanning and we don't see how it it extends everywhere out or extended everywhere and extends everywhere to or
through our activity
your body speech and mind
how to r l
feelings perceptions impulses consciousness
as sometimes and more awkward day sometimes more skillfully
how so we can a steady and how to
how fan
how and in that way
when we find out and really enjoy
how did your wind
hum
i don't want to say much about
the ceremony
but i
who would like to just too
i'd like to say a couple
of things
when i think this story again is
the queen
are we could say you know the nature of the wind is primitive and it reaches everywhere what need is there to ask questions
each other
now
i saw in the same way or weekend i'll try out

when by arm
tough
how we can try out you know how to fan
one that it had to defend ourselves how to check
hadn't realized actualized
had actualized this
intention
that reaches everywhere but still leaves
i won't say it we won't know it in this reaction nice it
so it may be a little bit
okay in a way to have a ceremony and that
the stretches
did it
to actualize
hello
this wind

hey

i tag along longer time to dead link and i read something yesterday the test system of case and said that as someone who does sitting he said a number of things that you shouldn't you shouldn't do sitting around some girls
in brothels and
to various things it should be cool in the summertime and part in a warm in the winter where you're sitting
hello from sony and to
when the things and he says are and you shouldn't hang around
me officials and
illnesses and don't get too involved in taking another ten things don't say nine
so even though tackling there again it's not quite did i haven't said nine that there's there are a number once i didn't say
the beach
over there
by the audience i bet you right
am
anyway
maybe i've said enough about it but then i feel my feeling about a ceremony like this is
not so much it's not exactly so important what is asked the dead
oh
and you know maybe i shouldn't i think maybe i'm sitting here
hey
the
huh bet that am not so much what we asked for the
that we can allow ourselves to and reveal ourselves
and yet we can
no
allow someone else to be revealed to us
and so i will time
you make that kind of every angle
we can reveal
join me
the been that kind of like it

the
the and a day
the days when the to them
the
the