Good evening. This evening I would like to speak about something to do with our bodies and anyway, I don't know how to summarize it, but I will talk about it and then I'm not sure it will be useful for you, but maybe it will be entertaining.

[01:00]

Certain things over the years I haven't heard people talk about and you know, I start to wonder, why don't more people talk about these things? So this is related to connecting your intelligence, your consciousness, your awareness with your physical body. We have been studying this just in our few days together in terms of how to use a knife, how to do Qigong, how to sit in meditation, and in a simple way Zen practice can be described

[02:39]

as having your body in a certain place, at a certain time, doing a certain thing, whether you feel like it or not. So if meditation is scheduled at 6 o'clock in the morning, you're in the meditation hall meditating. It doesn't matter whether you want to meditate or don't want to meditate, or you like meditating or don't like meditating, or you're happy or sad. You bring it all to the meditation hall and sit. If it's time to work in the kitchen and cook, it doesn't matter if you feel like it or don't

[03:55]

feel like it, you like it, don't like it, you want to, you don't want to, you go and cook. On one hand, people think, oh, well then, if I did that, I wouldn't be free. Our idea of freedom is, I get to do what I want. But you could also understand, when you're doing what you want, and you're going to be compelled to always be doing what you want, you have to do what you want, so you're just a slave to doing whatever you want. You're not free, you're just a slave to doing what you want. What about willing to do something you don't want?

[05:08]

Because it's going to happen. There will be moments you don't like, and you don't want to be there. What are you going to do? You cannot tell which moments to come and be with you and which moments not to. So sometimes moments will come that you don't want, and okay, whether I want it or not, I will handle this. So in its way, you see, Zen, you're more free because whatever comes, you'll be able to do something. So Suzuka Rishi said, we practice meditation to be ready for anything, and you're ready

[06:25]

for anything because you practice meditation no matter how you feel or what you think. You get your body into the meditation hall, onto the cushion and sit, or you do this and get in the kitchen, or we go to work in the morning, out in the world. So sometimes people say about Zen, oh, there's too many forms. I don't like forms. I don't like structure. Then I'm not free. If you think about it though, every moment has form, every moment has structure.

[07:28]

You just may not be noticing what it is. In Zen we make it very obvious. It's six o'clock, time to meditate. Out in the world, what time is it? What do I do now? What's going on here? So it becomes out in our world, out in our life. Every moment there's form, there's structure, and how can we be in that? You know, part of the form and structure is being a husband or a wife or a father or a mother or a son or a brother or a sister. These are all forms. So Suzuki Roshi said, real freedom is learning how to wear these cumbersome Japanese robes

[08:56]

and feel free. The master said, real freedom is wearing these cumbersome robes and not feel burdened. So taking on the forms in your life without feeling overwhelmed or burdened by them. Suzuki Roshi once said, there's a form to every moment even if it's called sleep. Suzuki Roshi said, there's a form to every moment even if it's called sleep. Okay, so this is a little bit of a kind of a background.

[09:58]

Talking about, you know, how do you, you know, and this is again to bring your awareness into your body is to re-inhabit your body or to reincarnate into your life. So I want to tell you a little bit about why this is so challenging. And to encourage you anyway to go ahead. Find your hands. Find your feet. You know, find your hips. And find your heart. So I'm going to tell you some things that I found out and then as a way to talk about this.

[11:23]

Partly this has to do with, you know, as we go through life, sometimes we're able to, we become more able to observe things at a more subtle level and not just a gross level of reality. This is also the difference as we've been talking about in the last couple days how do I present myself to look good and how can I experience myself inwardly to know what's going on inside. I think we've all had, you know, to be a human being is to have been wounded.

[12:44]

And people describe this in various ways. You know, but we've all had a loss, grief, abandonment, betrayals. And sometimes there's a way in which at the time these things happened they were so painful and so hurtful we couldn't, psychologically we couldn't stay present. I will give you an extreme example of this. It's extreme so that you get the picture, but I think we all in some way have this same thing happen.

[14:06]

A friend of mine, you know, grew up and he was in school president of the class. He was the teacher's pet. He did remarkably well in school. After college he started studying massage. After a couple years of giving massages and receiving massages, sometimes when people were massaging his legs he would have pictures of ropes and chains. Somebody said to him, why don't you ask your parents if anything happened when you were little?

[15:31]

And his parents said, oh yeah, you know when your little sister was born you were about two and a half years old. And you know, she came home with your mother from the hospital and everybody was, you know, admiring your beautiful little sister and you just wandered out the front door. Nobody noticed you were gone. And then we couldn't find you. And your father, we couldn't find you for two days. Your father got a lot of his friends together and they began to look around the neighborhood.

[16:46]

There was a window right down at the level of the street and they looked in the window and there you were, tied up. You were abducted and molested by this man. Then you came home and you wouldn't talk. And then he remembers, you know, not talking and then his parents thought, well it's better if we don't talk about what happened, it's better if you just forget it and get on with your life. Just forget it and get on with your life.

[17:59]

Right? And so he wasn't talking. And after a number of months his mother started beating him because he wasn't talking. And after a while he said, okay. And he realized later, you know, I just created the person I needed to be, who did well in school, got good grades, had lots of friends. So what happened to the little boy? So over the years, you know, he's found that acknowledging his grief and sorrow and terror

[19:19]

and what, you know, as a man, reowning and massage, this is another way you start to feel things in your body because somebody is touching something and it awakens the pictures. So as a Zen principle, you know, Suzuki Rishi said, it's not really so good to spend your life hiding your difficulty. This is why, you know, we say, if you practice Zen, you will have some difficulty, you will

[20:23]

have your difficulty. And having your difficulty will be a way to reown your body, reinhabit yourself, reincarnate into your life. So although this story is extreme, still there are ways in which each of us have decided at times, I will be the person I need to be to make this work in this world with these people and I'm leaving that painful little boy or girl behind. They are not coming along with me. So just in a simple way, if you sit and breathe and allow your breath, allow the breath to

[21:48]

inhale, allow the exhale, or as I said, you're letting your body be breathed, your breath will start to touch these places inside your body, will start to touch the wounds. Okay, so some people then learn how to practice without touching the wounds and they spend their time being tough or whatever it is, where they're not going to touch their wounds

[22:49]

because they don't see that as important. But you know, I'm of the opinion, my belief and experience is, you can allow the wound to surface and it becomes your gift and your blessing. My experience is different. You can allow the wound to surface and it becomes your gift and your blessing. Your fear becomes your confidence. Your desire becomes devotion. You become, you know Rumi has the metaphor of, your soul is like a hide of an animal

[24:05]

that's just been butchered. It becomes beautiful with the bitter tanning acid of grief. So to clean the blood and to clean the fur, the hair and to make it into beautiful leather, it's a lot of work. So now I want to tell you a couple of specific stories. I want to tell you about finding my hands. As you know, I've told you I've spent a lot of time studying like how to move my hands

[25:17]

with how to wash things, how to cut things, how to clean things and how to use both hands. And again, as I mentioned before, using your hands, this is human. What makes us humans is this thumb and our hands. So this is something you can practice, you know, finding your hands. Noticing what your hands are doing. Or if they're not doing anything, perhaps finding something for them to do.

[26:22]

So after the Zen Center, I don't know, it was probably sometime in the early nineties, I started doing therapy. I mean, I've done various therapies, but I started doing therapy with a woman who lived in the East Bay from San Francisco. I call it therapy, I don't know. I would go to her house for two hours. I'd sit down on a couch with all this clutter around the room and I'd cry. I mean, I don't know, she'd say, how are you? And I'd just start crying. You have a lot to cry about, it seems.

[27:33]

Yeah, let's keep crying. After two hours, then she would say, you know, time's up. Maybe you want to sit in the living room for a while before you go home. There's a jigsaw puzzle in there. So one time I was there and I looked at my hands and I said, and these hands, they're not even my hands. And I started crying. Tonight, you know, these look like my hands. So a couple of years after that, I had started doing hands-on healing.

[28:36]

I started, you know, touching people and then I would go and have sessions and be touched. The first time, the first session I had at this particular institute was with four women. And after a while I started crying, that one woman was holding my head, one woman had here and one woman had here and one woman had my feet. I started crying so loudly and screaming, too, that the police came.

[29:46]

Somebody in the neighborhood called the police. The police didn't actually come back to the treatment room where I was, the receptionist at the front desk convinced the police that it was okay, that it was just therapy. This is just a little aside, you know. So later I was working with Barbara Jean and I said to my friend Barbara Jean, Barbara Jean, these aren't even my hands. And Barbara Jean knew the question to ask. Whose are they? And some big persons. And she said, and where are yours?

[30:58]

I felt around inside and I said, well, they're in the elbows. It's a little body inside of this big body, a little body. The hands reach to the elbows. So Barbara Jean said, I'd like you to work with me and either practice reaching your little hands out into your big hands or shrinking your big hands down to your little hands. Barbara Jean said, I'd like you to work with me and either practice reaching your little hands out into your big hands or shrinking your big hands down to your little hands. To do this, if I may say so, takes courage.

[32:11]

To do this, if I may say so, takes courage. Because it seems inside, it seems like if you reached out those little hands into the big hands, you are going to get hurt, just like you did when you were that size. Because it seems like if you reached out those little hands into the big hands, you are going to get hurt, just like you did when you were that size. But you know what, now you're grown up and you have a lot more capacity and capabilities and power than when you abandoned yourself when you were little. But you know what, now you're grown up and you have a lot more capacity and capabilities to take care of yourself and you are better equipped than when you were little. And I want to also say that to abandon yourself when you were little was the right thing to do.

[33:17]

It's psychologically what is healing and powerful and important to do. And it's the only way you survive as a small person. So, Barbara Jean at one point held my hand, my right hand, and she said, I want you to meet me. Reach out your little hand and meet me. I think he can hear. And this is a friend who is saying this and it still feels like it's the most scary thing you could ever do.

[34:25]

It's because of what happened when your arm was that big and you did reach out and you got hurt, hit, abandoned, betrayed. And although he is a really good friend, it was the most dangerous thing I could do. Because when I reached out with my little arm, he got hurt. And finally, you know, sometimes the people who do this work, they call it, what do they call it, you know, relentless compassion. That bitch was not going to let go of my hand until I met her.

[35:30]

That bitch was not going to let go of my hand until I met her. Until I extended the presence that was in my elbow out to my finger hands and felt her hand, and with the fullness of my awareness, she wasn't going to let go of my hand. It's almost a joke, you know. Okay, okay, I'll touch you as long as you let go of me as soon as I do. So what this is finally is, you know, we have a certain amount of consciousness.

[36:44]

That's the consciousness that could be your hand. And, you know, real freedom is to have the consciousness that could be your hand in your hand. Not in your elbow, not in your shoulder, not in your wrist, but the intelligence that could be your hand extends down into your hand. And then your hand is connected, you know, to your intelligence, which is your mind and your heart. And your hand can do what it does with the fullness of your awareness. And at that time we don't know what, you know, a hand will do.

[37:53]

Your hand will find things to do that you never thought of before. You know, some people are, you know, incredible. I've seen, you know, a little bit of the movies of O'Sensei, the man who started Aikido. The man who started Aikido, they call him O'Sensei, you know, great teacher. And, you know, in movies, people are running at him to attack him and they just fall on the floor. And when you see it in the movies, you think it must be staged. But, you know, my friend Kastanahashi, who does calligraphy and translates Dogon,

[39:11]

he studied with O'Sensei as a little boy. My friend who studied calligraphy also studied with O'Sensei. And he just needed to turn so slightly and they'd just be going past. And he just, it was so easy for him because it was so much. He'd practiced, he'd studied how to have his intelligence alive and awake throughout his body. So, I want to say just a little bit more about this in terms of your heart.

[40:37]

Because much of the time, the consciousness awareness that could be the consciousness awareness of your heart is not actually in your heart. Just as the consciousness that could be your hand may be in the elbow or in the wrist. Most commonly, the consciousness that could be the heart is behind the heart. And it feels sometimes like the last thing you would want to do is to have your consciousness actually in your heart.

[41:56]

Because, again, you remember how pained your heart was when you were so small. But actually, you know, that's the past. And today you can move your consciousness into your heart. And it turns out, it's such a relief that you don't have to keep holding your heart away from your heart. And you will realize that it's such a relief that you don't have to keep holding your heart away from your heart. Another time I did a session like that was Barbara Jane.

[43:13]

And it was in, you know, a water tank, some people call it watsu. And, you know, she's floating me around in the water this way and that way, floating around, floating around. And it became really obvious after a while, she is not going to let me out of this water until I move the consciousness of my heart into my heart. So when in doubt, you can breathe the sadness, the despair, whatever it is, you can breathe it into your heart and let it come to your heart.

[44:21]

Again, in sitting, Xuanzu said, if you want your head in the right place, your heart needs to be in the right place. If you want your heart in the right place, your hips need to be in the right place. Xuanzu said, if you want your head in the right place, your heart needs to be in the right place. If you want your heart in the right place, your hips need to be in the right place. When you study where your hips are stable, that's also where your hips are at ease. The more stable your hips are, the more ease they have. When you study where your hips are stable, that's also where your hips are at ease.

[45:48]

And then you can study. Your body can grow tall inside, and that energy from your hips, you're leaning forward and back a little bit, and where is it that your heart is? And there's a place where your consciousness can be in your heart. And there's a place where your consciousness is in your heart, and your heart is above your hips. And then your head flows.

[46:55]

Recently I was in Frankfurt, I did a Qigong with a man named Gerhard. Gerhard told me, practice his acupuncture, as well as Qigong. And he told me the original meaning of, you know, Ger, which is also in German. Ger means sword, or spear, I guess. So I said, oh, you've turned your spear into needles. Anyway, he said, in the Qigong he does, you're letting your mind be open and empty, clear.

[48:06]

In Qigong you let your consciousness be open, wide and clear. And then your heart is flowing with feelings. And in your lower body, storing energy. So, you know, it's your hands, it's your heart, it's your breath. Can the intelligence, awareness that could be your breath, is it in your breath? Is it with your breath? Is it someplace else? Is it a little bit before your breath? Is it a little bit after the breath? Can your awareness be exactly with the breath?

[49:11]

And in cooking I tell people, taste what you put in your mouth. It takes a kind of focus, something's in your mouth, and then you focus your awareness, your intelligence, your consciousness in your mouth. What are you tasting? What is it? So when you bring the consciousness that can be taste into tasting, opens your experience. When you bring the consciousness that could be your hands into your hands, whole new worlds.

[50:27]

To your breath, to your feet when you're walking. So this fullness of your consciousness being in what the experience is, it's so rich and free and incredible. But this is rich and free and incredible, not like television and movies, but it's the depth and intimacy of your life comes alive. Okay, thank you.

[51:42]

Thank you for being here this weekend. Appreciate your presence and good heartedness.

[51:49]

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