with self. There's a self dimension and there's an other dimension. And I'd like to talk about just these two parts. Before we do, though, I'd like to share with you the research that has to do with just a brief comment about people who are successful. And I don't mean successful meaning earning lots of money. I'm meaning people who are able to be in a relationship with people in healthy ways. And they talked about, and this is a good thing to look at in ministry, When they did some research, they said, you know, about 20% of people's success being able to be good managers or good doctors or good priests, even, and I'm not good religious, about 20% of it has to do with the fact that they have some native intelligence. In other words, you've got to have some capacity intellectually. Makes sense, doesn't it? You've got to be able to read, learn, and do all that stuff. So about 20% of what we call a successful person.

[01:02]

Then it says about 20% more, maybe a little bit more, and each of those, maybe 20 to 25%, has to do with skills that they learn or how we teach them. So, for example, if you're going to have a successful lawyer, he needs to learn the law. And so he learns how to... You know, use previous cases and be a lawyer. So we're talking about 25% of success. You know, being incapable has to do with learned skills. Now, if you notice, we're only up to about 50%. We're not quite there 50%. And then the rest of the person's capacity to be in relationship with other people and be successful has to do with what we call emotional intelligence. It has to do with these set of things. And so what's happening is we have people who are very bright, extremely intelligent, and who are well-trained and who can't function. Don't function well with other people. Why? Because they're lacking some of what we call this emotional intelligence.

[02:05]

So here's what this is saying. So what makes up, what constitutes emotional intelligence? And really what we're going to talk about is the self-dimension and the other dimension. And so the first dimension we want to talk about is, and you'll see a repeat of some of the stuff we've been talking about. The first dimension of being emotionally intelligent is self-awareness. The first dimension is self-awareness. And again, I sound like a broken record because we have so much people going on who are not self-aware. We're walking around unconscious. And what I mean by this is, is accurately knowing, accurately knowing as much as possible who you are. And it includes your feelings, your preferences, your ideas, your attitudes, your values. Knowing how it is with those aspects of yourself and also sensing how others feel about you and how they respond to you.

[03:07]

That's an interesting thing. You're knowing yourself, but you're also aware how others respond to you. when you talk in certain ways, when you behave in certain ways. So, in other words, you're able to be influenced by people's responses. Now, that doesn't mean you want them to dictate who you are. But, you know, if you come in and you're really loud, you know what I mean, etc., and people are backing up, then you want to say, Maybe I'm a little too late. You know, it's sort of monitoring yourself so that you might be a little quieter in that environment than you would maybe when you're outside with the flagpole. You know what I mean? So it's a constant... It's not to be self-conscious. And one of the brothers raised an issue about we don't want people... This is a very important word. Self-awareness. You don't want people to be self-conscious. You know, then they're anxious all the time and worried. But it's a relaxed sense of self. But notice, it is knowing yourself, but knowing Knowing how people respond to you, how people relate to you. So you're paying attention to the other person as well.

[04:09]

The second one has to do with self-confidence. When we talk about self-awareness, we talk about self-confidence. By the way, this is really your attitude towards your own self. And here what we're talking about is a basic belief in your own self and in your own goodness. You know, you're not struggling with the fact that you're not believing that you don't matter. And this really has such a spiritual component to it. Because if we can get people to understand that God loves them, that we don't have to earn anything, that we're so loved by God, this is one way people can grow in confidence. But it really is the self-confidence. And it includes, interestingly enough, self-confidence includes some behaviors. like expressing what you think or feel, that you don't hide it. So if some people say to you, what do you think, you can tell me what you think. You know, you're not going to hide that.

[05:10]

I may not agree, and we may be having a difference of opinion here, but you're able to say what you think and feel. It's also, you take reasonable risks. That is not an interesting thing. Reasonable risks. It doesn't make you go crazy. You take reasonable risks. So in other words, you're not going to be comfortable, you're going to stretch yourself. So reasonable risks. And also, you have some goals in life. And they have to be your goals. You know what I mean? You're saying, I feel called to this, I feel called to this direction. And you begin to move towards making those goals a reality. Now, it doesn't mean we don't consult other people in those, you know. In a community, for example, we're consulting other people. You know, I can remember when I was thinking about going back to get my Ph.D. You know, I really felt it was the right time, and it was a good thing, and I had seen how much skill I had, and that I was lacking in some of the skills.

[06:12]

But it was a real battle with my community, because I was going to be away studying for four years, and, you know, all of that, all the finance, and then getting a scholarship, all of those kinds of things. become part of it. But it's important to have some goals and to be able to move towards it. And obviously the goals will change as we go toward it. We'll have different sets of things. And they can be little things or they can be a little bit bigger. Self-confidence. It includes all of those pieces. The third thing has to do with self-control. Self-control. And what we mean here is is really, in a sense, is making good choices. And in particular, when we deal with the stressors of life, with the tensions. You know, I don't know about you, but when life's flowing along and everything's fine, I can be the nicest, most pleasant person in the world. Because everything is, you know, coasting along. Get some tension in here. Get some stressors in here. And then what do we do?

[07:12]

We get a little edgier, you know, we get a little more anxious, a little more maybe a little flip, a little, you know, sarcastic sometimes. So this is the same thing, whether it's a peaceful time or a stressful time. How do I maintain the person I want to be? How do I maintain the gentle person, the hospitable person? How do I keep doing that? It emits the tensions and stressors. And again, it doesn't mean we do it perfectly. Of course, we're going to have some ups and downs. But it's kind of having that more steady state, no matter what's happening around us. That's this notion here. In addition, what we're talking about here is appropriate emotional expression. Appropriate emotional expression. And what that means is... You're not flying off the handle one day, screaming and yelling, and et cetera, and then the next day you're silent and withdrawing. But it's pretty much, there's a steadiness about it, and you're expressive. And it doesn't mean you don't raise your voice, and it doesn't mean we don't mess up sometimes in here, but there's appropriate emotional expression.

[08:16]

You're not up one minute, and you're not highly rigid and controlled. And by the way, that's not uncommon, what happens. If you have a person who keeps it under wraps, and every once in a while they'll swing over here and blow up, And then they don't like this either, so then they go back here. So we have this, we have this jomio thing going on, or a pendulum swing. What this is trying to say is, can you live here? Can you live here in the middle where you're not extremely withdrawing and tightening it all down or exploding? Can you live in this area here? And that's the notion of self-control. The other thing that fits here is what we talked about with boundaries, flexible and fluid boundaries. So today I say, could you help me with this? And you say, sure. And then tomorrow I say, could you help me with this? And you say, gee, Lynn, I really can't. You know, I've got this other thing. You know, there's flexible and fluid boundaries. It's not, again, again, you see that nice flow. That's what self-control is. And so it's not this, but it's this kind of moving in a nice, in a, in a, either way.

[09:20]

Self, that's the self-component. of intelligence, emotional intelligence. So one of my questions would be, how are you doing on self-awareness? How are you doing on self-confidence? And how are you doing on self-control? And which of those areas might be an area for you to focus a little bit more on as we say, you know, if you finish a day's version, a couple of days version, you say, we're going to go back and be the same? Or do we hear an invitation to grow up in these areas? Are those clear so far, what we mean? Okay. Then let's look at the other component. And notice, again, it's always about connection, so I have to look at not just me, but I have to look at you too. So the other component has three areas as well. The first one is empathy. And remember, we've been talking about that, the ability to walk in another person's shoes. The ability to see it as you say. Then, you know, sometimes, I don't know about you, I'm in a conversation with people and I'll say, oh, I know, I had a similar experience.

[10:23]

You ever done that? Oh, yeah, I know that. I've had a similar experience. That's not to impact. Why? I'm putting myself into your situation. What really, what I need to do is to say, tell me about what it's like for you. Tell me what it's like for you. Not what it would be like for me, But what's it like for you? So empathy is walking in the other person's shoes. And then remember last night, I added this anticipatory, this is a new concept that I'm working with, anticipatory empathy, which means when I say something or interact with you, am I paying attention to how it might impact you before I even do it? And that has to do a little bit with this self-awareness. How are people responding? And might I change? Might I make a decision to say it differently because of who you are and how you might hear it? You get the notion here? It isn't, oh, I know that I'm about it, and I'll do it anyway. But I had a hunch that if I said it this way, you might not hear me, so let me try it another way.

[11:31]

That's anticipating you. Isn't that a wonderful way of thinking about how we could be in relation. We anticipate how we are. Now, this does not mean don't be yourself. We already talked about here. Self-confidence. You need to be yourself, but we also need to pay attention to anticipate how other people are. And again, that's a delicate walk. That takes some skill, I think. The second one is an interesting expression called motivation. motivation. And this one is, what we talked here, it really talks about taking initiative and having a positive outlook about being in relationship and really kind of connecting with people and being with them and working well with them. So it has these qualities, taking initiative, having a positive outlook, being creative,

[12:35]

and inspiring others to do the same. So it sounds like a lot about you here, but it is. You can't separate these out. So when we talk about motivation, it's being in relationship, and it's inspiring others to be their best self as well. It takes an emotionally intelligent person who can be aware of, as it says here, their own initiative, positive, committed, and inspiring other people to greatness. Really just saying, be who you can be. And we do that various ways. And then the final one is called social competency. A social competency. And this includes a capacity to engage with people in different conversations. For example, the skill of inquiring. Inquiring. How is it with you? Can you help me with that?

[13:38]

Could you talk a little bit more about what it's like for you? So it's the skill of inquiring. It's also the capacity to establish rapport and minimize conflict. So those are skills. How do I connect with people? When I meet somebody for the first time, What would help them and me connect? How do we establish some kind of effort? How do I deal with conflict? How do I not create conflict to begin with? But when there is conflict, how do I deal with it? So again, it's this social confidence. And that's one of the big ones that we have to learn how to do, is to deal with conflict more adequately. Because conflict is normal. It's going to happen. We just need to deal with it more adequately. Here's another one that's very important. How to persuade and influence others. Now, it doesn't say how to, you know, rim around the neck and choke them at that, believing what we believe, you know? But how do we persuade and influence? And we do want to do that, you know? But we need to be more skillful in sharing the ideas, sharing a dream that we have, and inviting other people to join us.

[14:45]

So persuasion and influence, that's different from coercion. Persuade. Influence. Not coerce. Very different. So those are skills that we need to get to help people, to persuade, to influence. And then, I think the final one I would say here is being a person of integrity. Being a person of integrity. That making decisions and receiving decisions of behaviors that fit and please anyone. You know, you don't say one thing and do another. So that's an interesting set of things, isn't it? Trying to think about it. And again, I ask these things here. How are you with empathy? Really walking into that. By the way, that requires better listening. Better listening. Anticipatory empathy. How do you, before you say something, again, you don't want to be self-conscious or drive yourself crazy, but are we paying attention to whom we're interacting?

[15:51]

What about motivation? And really about, you know, moving and helping people to be all that they can be. And then the competencies, especially around conflict, anger management. It was interesting, not too long ago, I wanted to know Sir, which is a region of fast and clergy, asked me to do a four-day workshop on anger. I said, you kidding? Four days? And then I thought about it, and I thought, well, it's going to be interesting. So I did it. You know, and it was one of the most powerful things I think I'd done in recent years. And it became almost like a retreat environment. We had literally, we had four full days. It wasn't, you know, four talks. It was four days, you know. I mean, you have to claim that this. But, you know, anger is such a huge issue that we were able to kind of take it apart, that people were able to do their own reflection on their own journeys. And by the way, 150 people came. It was wonderful for me and for them, but it really was about getting more competent in understanding our own anger, understanding the sources of anger, and being able to deal with anger more effectively.

[17:07]

Because there's nothing wrong with anger, except we don't have it. Does it help? Get a look at, again, we talk about being emotionally smart. That's what we're talking about. Well, what does it mean? It means these kinds of things. It just doesn't mean, you know. And of course, underneath all this, one of the big awarenesses here is knowing what your feelings are and how your feelings are trying to help you to be in a relationship. I think that empathy, a lot of people use sanctification instead of empathy. They think that they're walking, they use their own, instead of listening to I walked and embarrassed you and said, oh yeah, I've done that. And you put yourself in those positions over there. They're missing that part. Sure. That's right. There's a lot of... It seems to me to be one of the most important things we've got water.

[18:11]

Entity. Well, I mean, if you think about it, whether it's in what we're growing, or with other people. Someone comes along who's out of it. There's emotions around it. Well, you know, I can think of people even in the present. You know, well, like you say, you tell a person, I'll say, yeah, I think you need some help. But it's better to just listen. I'll show them you're listening. if you can't listen to them or if you're the type that says you're sick when somebody wants to be told they're sick especially somebody who doesn't want to hear it that's right you know it really one of the things you highlight is you know in therapy having been a trained therapist one of the really the things that happen to therapy is somebody gets to listen to you for 50 minutes

[19:19]

And it's profound what listening at that level can do. Now, we also are trained to offer some other things and there's intervention in the things that we do because we understand, hopefully we understand human persons and how to be helpful. But one of the most powerful, one of the two things that happen in therapy that really cause some of the greatest change are the relationship that's formed and the empathic listening that happens. Empathic listening that happens. I mean, the research shows that the relationship itself changes people. And that empathetic listening is an integral part of the relationship. It can really make a huge difference in people's lives. I have a relative who has a very close relationship with me. He recently started out, like she said, You give an example where you sit here, the awful person, the word you use, you call me betrayer.

[20:25]

About three weeks later, call me his saviour. And John's. And he and I have a, now we have to keep the connection. He's got probably his own sample. And I suggested that, you know, he might be the key because person that was having a problem, met him on his level when he was having a problem. And as the counselor put it, on a non-verbal level, and looked at me and I said, yes, it was the only one who got it. Whereas the parents and the parents didn't get it in Spanish with both cats. And actually, it's a waste of time. Actually, Paul, that was a waste of time.

[21:28]

Why is self-confidence and social competency confused with Eric? How could it be? Well, it is. It often is. Well, it could be. And again, that's a good question. I'd have to look at it. I'd have to know the person. But I think it might be how the self-confidence is portrayed. You know what I mean? Because that'd be a good question. How is it that the person... demonstrates or lets people know that they're confident. And you can do that in different ways. And if you do it in your face kind of thing, you know, in people's face all the time, then they might not see it as confidence, and they might see it as arrogance. So I think it's a question of being able to... Because I think if you are self-confident, it kind of sits in you, and you are able to... I think it fits...

[22:34]

probably with self-confidence fits with these, has some of these other qualities to it, in particular these, you know what I mean? Whereas if you're in people's space all the time, you know, or if you tell people that you have it all together, I would wonder if you do, you know what I mean? So I think that one of the things is, you know, I think as the person interacts with you, they don't need to tell you, they show you by their behavior. And they show you in a way also that there also, there's a... they're not as much, I think, in your face, and a little bit easier to kind of be reading where you're at. You know what I mean? So I think it has to do with, I think it's about themselves, but they also recognize the other, and there's that nice balance going on. That's what I would say. That's that reading intimacy thing, because like when you say, on the intimate level, when you used the example previously, on the previous, before this, when you said you hug somebody, and... Just because that might be your comfort zone, you've got to recognize that it's not their comfort zone. Exactly.

[23:35]

Exactly. And so therefore, you could be coming out like gangbusters, you could be overwhelming them, because that's not where they're at. So it's always that reading, knowing where you are, and be plain to read. You need to know and be okay with you. But also we're reading others because they may not be at the same place, and we can be overwhelming them. And it's always good at the beginning, in particular, to be a little more attentive. Just a little bit, kind of read until you get a sense of the person. And then as you get to know them a little better, you can be a little bit more expressive. That's what I would say. It's a good question, you know, and it's really a learning to really, because a lot of times we don't have self-confidence and we need to grow at that, but then how do you put that in relationship with others? And again, it just highlights what we're talking about here. It's about me, but it's also about me and you. So we're always negotiating that. I think somebody that's arrogant, too, has all the answers. True. We're all set.

[24:36]

That's true. You can't say much to them. You can't offer them feedback. They don't really learn well because they already know. I already know. What do you mean? I already know that. That's true. So having all the answers and having difficulty either receiving feedback or learning, putting themselves in a learning mode. I think really one of the things best that we do is keep ourselves in that lifelong learning mode. None of us have it all together. We have great opportunities to learn from each other and from That's creation, and for other people, how do we keep doing that? But a good listener usually won't get themselves in that position. Yeah, that's true. I think in that sense, the two words that came to my mind was the self-esteem that's part of it, but sometimes the self-esteem is the and if it's too inflated, it becomes pride, and if pride too inflated, it becomes arrogance, and it's all under the picture of self-confidence.

[25:45]

Yeah, I think those are some other words that we use to make some sense to, you know, when are we, not being self-confident, but more boasting, prideful, and then does that lead to more of an arrogant thing? And humility, please. Yeah. And humility, though, which is interesting about humility because it's a big word in my congregation because we're 17th century France, founded, you know, 1650. But what's humility, I think, is important is that we understand humility in the current terms, which is having one's feet on the ground. You know, it comes from the word humus. It doesn't mean self-effacing. It means being grounded, having one's feet on the ground and really knowing who you are and really know who we are. We know we don't have it all together, right? We know we don't have all the answers. So that's, that kind of, it gives us a little more ease with people, because we don't have to defend everything. You know, anybody's just saying, oh, it's an issue. Oh, I never thought about that before. Or, you know, if somebody asks you something, you don't know the answer, you say, gee, I don't know. You know, it becomes, we're a little easier, because we don't have to be perfect.

[26:49]

Our feet are on the ground, and we know who we are. So that's a nice, another nice word, but we need to understand humility in its real root sense, that we stop the earth. or figure out your act, you know. I like the order that you didn't put down. Exactly. It's not there. Yeah, it's part of the social power. Sure. Over at the Magic Hour, you know, at the end. I just want to thank you for the opportunity to come. I lived in New York while my wife, you know, everything that I've heard about once they read, never had a chance to come, so it's really fun. The only thing that was that Anything that was a little hard to take was the brain. And I didn't get to do any of those wonderful walks that you've ever listed. But thanks very much for the opportunity. I appreciate your give and take and kind of the questions that came along the way. I hope this is helpful. I hope that this gives you just some other things to think about in your amongst the other things that you process with and that maybe some other day we'll meet again, you know. But again, thanks to Father Martin for the invitation.

[27:51]

And thank you for the meeting today. Very nice for me. Thank you, Sister. Thank you very much. Thank you, Sister. Thank you very much. Thank you, Sister. [...] Lord be with you. Hear out one book, three glories. Let all the answers mistrattled in the two nights that will ever be sheltered by the strength of your salvation. We asked two questions. Somebody had to do it faster than your guardian angels can fly.

[28:53]

That's another good one. Thanks very much.

[28:59]

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