Good morning. Nice to see everyone on this beginning of our practice period. Kind of delicate there. This, this whole thing. Okay. Yeah, I think that's better. Okay, so... There's a lot to handle up here. Okay, so today's talk is about how did I get to practice. So this is my way seeking mind talk and includes kind of my life story. But I want to start at the end, when I came to practice.

[01:01]

And that was in 1996. I was in my early 50s, and I had gone to City Center with a good friend. She'd just gone into Buddhism a year before. And I thought, well, I think I would like to try that. Because she and I were both leaving something else that we were doing, which I'll tell you about. But I wasn't ready to do anything. And then in 1996, we both received this postcard in the mail. And it was that there was a Dharma group starting in San Bruno, which is where I was living, in the South Bay. And so we said, well, let's go. So we went, and it was the first night that Darlene Cohen, who later became my teacher, was taking over this group from Barbara Wenger, Michael Wenger's wife. And after that, we thought, oh my gosh, we've got to come back.

[02:06]

She was just a really good fit for us. And that's when I started sitting, practicing, continued until I moved here to the East Bay, and then I started coming to Berkeley Zen Center. So how did I get here? Well, the first part I want to talk about is my early years. And I have this. What did they do with it? Well, it's not here. Oh, no, it's OK. It's over there, but it's OK. Anyway, it's this little stone that I got years ago, maybe about 30, 40 years ago. My sister-in-law gave it to me and it had faith on it. And then when I was working, Another coworker gave me a pin. They just brought it right to me. Oh, this is you, Carol. And it said, still searching. So those were the two kind of driving forces in my life. I think I was just naturally born with a lot of faith.

[03:10]

So I was born in Minnesota, and when I was about a year, we moved to California. And there were a total of 11 children in our family. We had seven boys, four girls. I was, as we say, 4C2G. So I was the second girl, fourth child. And in those years, we said we would classify ourselves as the little kids and the big kids. And of course, I was one of the big kids. But later on, as we became adults, Some middle kids said, well, no, we were the middle kids. We were not the big or the little. Oh, okay. So we reclassified the big and the middle and the little. So the big kids, there were four of us, really did a lot of, well, we all worked, but we took quite a lot of the work, especially my sister and I caring for the babies because we pretty much had a new baby every year.

[04:16]

And so that, growing up in such a large family, well, there's a lot of things to work with. Let me just say first about my parents. This is sort of a change in how I look at my life then. My life stories changed. I really see that they did the very best job they could. Given their circumstances, so many children, so much responsibility. And they gave us a lot. They gave us the importance of family. And we did a lot of family things together. We took vacations and we lived, I grew up in Yuba City, which is north of Sacramento. Very hot there in the summer and very cold in the winter. And we would always, they'd pile us in the cars, station wagons, and we'd go to swimming holes, and we had picnics and barbecues.

[05:24]

And we lived in a really big house. It was an old 100-year-old house. And so it was a great house to grow up in because you could get lost in there. You could hide. With so many kids, nobody really knew where you were. But, and then we lived right behind the Feather River. So there was the levee and then you could go up the levee and then go down to the Feather River where we had, I think the boys spent a lot more time there than the girls. But they'd go down there and we'd go down and have big barbecues. And in our family, we never just went with our family. We went with another family that had 10 kids. And I think it was because it was the only families that would put up with all that chaos. And really, my mother was really quite organized, thank goodness, so she could manage the household, but she was very tired all the time.

[06:24]

So in spite of her organization, she needed a lot of help, especially from the older kids. In spite of that, there was still chaos within the organization, let's say it that way. And when you have that large of a family, I think the things that we've all had to deal with is our self-identity. Where do we fit in? Because the downside, you know, and like I say, there was a lot of fun. When we get together as a family, we talk about all the old stories, and they're very funny. It's kind of harrowing now when I see what we went through, like, whoa, we could have been killed here or something. But anyway, within that, You know, so there's not a lot of individual attention.

[07:28]

How could there be? My mother was so stretched, so thin. So I was raised in a Catholic family and I just turned to my religion. And I had my Bodhisattvas and my ancestors who were the saints and the Blessed Mother and you know, the whole group of help, including my own guardian angel. So in Catholicism, you know, I had 12 years of Catholic school and most of my brothers and sisters did. You have your own guardian angel. So I would just turn to that source for refuge. That really helped me. I was kind of the only one in the family like that. I said, well, go to Carol. She'll pray for you. My father was a doctor, he was an MD, and so that's probably how we were able to, you know, live as we did.

[08:36]

So, as I mentioned, what I got from my parents was a strong work ethic. We all worked, and we just naturally knew that that was part of life. And teamwork, you know, with so many people, you've got to work together. And as I mentioned, the value of family. So there was chaos, and in those days, you know, there was a book. John Bradshaw came out with this book later on, and he was saying something like 97% of families are dysfunctional. So we had our dysfunction, but everyone in town looked the same, so we didn't know that. And one of the dysfunctions was, which started out to be kind of a nice thing, my father having beers, turned out to be alcoholism. The older kids maybe didn't see so much of that as later the little kids really got immersed in it. So it's interesting when it tells their side of the story is so different because it was a vast 14 years difference.

[09:44]

And my parents, you know, had gone through really, let's say, three sets of families. Anyway, so that was kind of my childhood. And then I came here to San Francisco, and I was very strong in my religion all through that time. I came to San Francisco State, and that was, of course, during the 60s. So that was a time of experimenting with psychedelics and drugs, which I did. I'm just going to have a sip of water here. So I did turn away from my religion at that point. I wasn't so interested in Catholicism. But I really didn't have anything either. And that has always been so strong in me, that inner life. So it was definitely missing. But the psychedelics were nice.

[10:48]

And that did open up my mind, too, a lot. So after I graduated, I got a credential, elementary school credential. I got married. My husband was very much like me in that we were both ex-Catholics and, you know, we smoked a lot of marijuana. And we moved to paradise. The paradise that just burned. So devastating. And there I had my first child. Oh, one thing we did do, we tried out TM. We were both looking for something. Well, me particularly. So we got our mantra, Transcendental Meditation. And we did it for a while, but you cannot mix marijuana with TM. So we didn't, it really just didn't stick. So anyway, then I got pregnant and I had my child, my only child, Jesse.

[11:50]

And then a year and a half later, my husband and I separated and eventually we divorced. And this began, and I still don't have really any spiritual path I'm following. This began probably one of the hardest parts of my life. I was a single mom. I was on social welfare. I had very little money. I really didn't have a career. The market was glutted with teachers, which I didn't really want to do anyway. So I was just kind of cobbling, you know, part-time jobs together, getting a little money from my husband, Jesse's father, and my food stamps. Oh, my family just really didn't know what to make of me. So I moved to Chico, which is 13 miles away from Paradise. And there I had some very strong family, friends, friends who became like family.

[12:54]

It was a really an interesting, nice place to be at that time. It was really a godsend to have those friends, too, because we did a lot of child-sharing, et cetera. And one of them introduced me to the S Training. And this was kind of the beginning of a lot of transformational work. I can't even mention all of everything that I've done. A lot of transformational work. We called it self-help, really. And I was just trying to get better. I was basically trying to get better and get rid of these problems that I kind of I inherited or just had. So AST was really a lifeline for me at that time because it made me take responsibility for my life. I got off welfare. I got a job. It just, it really improved me. It wasn't so much a spiritual path, although there was elements of Buddhism in it, because actually Werner Erhard had sat at City Center, and Sozin even did the training, because he brought it to people at City Center.

[14:04]

But he was trying to combine Eastern philosophy with Western philosophy, so we could understand it. So maybe it was a little bit of Buddhism. I wouldn't classify it as a spiritual practice, but it really kind of got me a little more mainstreamed and more conventional somewhat. And what happened at that time, I mean, I did the training and then Jesse was, he was seven. This was a year of transition, 67. I really wanted to come to the city. It was a very strong desire in me, like an inmost request thing, to pursue this path by myself, searching. And his father really wanted him. He wanted to live with him. So I said, okay, he can live with you.

[15:07]

Very difficult choice. But I did it, much to the chagrin of my family. And I moved down here and then I just pursued, well, asked for like 10 years. I did every workshop. I assisted, that's what they called it, assisting, but basically it's voluntary. I did a lot of that and I was selling door-to-door vitamins, vitamins door-to-door. That was a good training too. Having a lot of doors shut in your face. And I would see Jesse, but not very often. Maybe once a month I'd go up and see him. So during that time I also met my second husband. who was in EST. And we did a lot of things together, EST and Scientology and just different workshops, just figured there's a lot of things in between. And I had a day job. This is when I finally got mainstreamed.

[16:09]

I had a day job, a company where I stayed for 26 years. I was in human resources and just in different positions, benefits, training, personnel. And it was a very good company to be with. And I was a good employee. I showed up on time. And so that was my day job. It was never a career. I didn't really have a career. I wouldn't call that a career. But it provided what I wanted and felt like, gosh, I've got to get on this. And so then the night job was always doing some kind of work, whether it be EST, Then I went into Scientology, a little bit of Scientology, and then, but I was still missing, you know, a real spiritual path. And so I, somehow or other, I came across these books called The Course in Miracles.

[17:11]

And this was a very, these were very pivotal in my life because they really showed me Well, they're all about forgiveness and you start with forgiveness of yourself. Then basically there's nothing to forgive because you've done nothing wrong, but you did a lesson every day and the world is an illusion. That's how they looked at it. The real life is within you. You're making that life. It was a Christian base. And I really got a lot out of it and it made me start to see, it was kind of awakening for me, like, oh, what have I done here? I left my son. And it was pretty, you know, I think I had, I was so full of shame and remorse and like, oh my goodness,

[18:12]

the enormity of what it was and the impact it would have on me. And I, you know, at the time of leaving, I couldn't really see all that. I thought everything would be okay. And he and his father were very, very close as they are today. But that made me see, oh my goodness. So I started having, developing a better relationship with him, seeing him more. I did that for a few years and also in some period I did the 12-step program. You know, I could certainly see the seeds of alcoholism in my own self. So I did the 12-step program. And when I went up to do my amends with Jesse, he was 16. And I would say that I apologized for not being there for him, basically, and sort of been doing that ever since, and trying to make up for him for not being there.

[19:17]

So that was a koan that I must work with all the time, really. So then I got into Church of Religious Science. I really wanted more of a spiritual path. All of these had spiritual elements, but the Church of Religious Science, or it's called Religious Science, is Christian-based. And it was part of, it was unity first, you know, Mary Baker Eddy formed unity and then this was a person that was an offshoot of that because they used healing for, they used prayer for healing. But Ernest Holmes, who founded this, believed also you could use medicine, whereas Mary Baker Eddy, no, no medicine, it was all prayer. And it was a five-step method, and I liked it, got a lot out of it. I became what was called a practitioner, so I could do this prayer method with people as well as myself.

[20:26]

I did that. By the way, all the movements I was in pretty much volunteered, you know, so I did things with them too. And I did this for a number of years, but now this is, Oh my goodness. I don't know, 30, 40 years of searching. I was so filled up with so much dogma and beliefs and values and so tired. So I said, I'm just going to stop. I'm not going to do anything. So I left, left the church, another church, and didn't do anything for a year. That's when my friend, who was also a religious science practitioner, she had left too, and she's the one that went into Buddhism. And she's the one, a year, that took me to City Center, and I thought, hmm, this is the next one.

[21:27]

And then a year later is when the postcard came in. So I guess the whole path was leading me. You know, I was looking for that pin in my house, I thought, Oh, I think I remember I gave it away on my last move because I guess I felt I had stopped searching. So, anyway, at some point, in 2000, my husband and I separated and I divorced. We divorced. We were married. We were together for 20 years. And then in, you know, that's when I moved to the East Bay. My company moved over here. I left Darlene's group. And she still remained one of my teachers, though. We would have dokasan, phone dokasan, or in the city. And she's the one that gave me my rakusu and my name, actually. And Sojin changed a little bit. And then,

[22:29]

Yeah, so I moved here, and she said, well, be sure and go to Berkeley Zen Center. And when I did, and she said, now just check every place out. Shasta Abbey, Berkeley Zen Center. But I came here first off, and then I never left. I thought, no, this is it. Met Ellen that first day, Sojin, Ross, and it was just like, wow, I am home. And that's where I am today. Twelve years ago, I did meet my third husband. It's kind of embarrassing. I'm getting used to saying that now, though, three times. But I met my third husband, Al Tribe, I talked about him a couple months ago, and we were a very good fit. He was also in practice, practiced here, and then he's the one that got us to Marin, where I live now. And we were together 12 years, and then he died suddenly a year and a half ago. So I wanted to let you know my koan for this practice period is, Keoghan's man up a tree.

[23:40]

I am going to be working on that this week. I can't comment on it, but I will this Saturday. I'll talk about it. It's case five in the gateless gate, the mumenkan. I think that's, Enough for now. Would anyone have any questions or comments? Alex? I am definitely one of the older kids. Yes, I think I'm probably the oldest you saw. It has to happen. Right, so... No longer a little kid. Susan. Thank you so much for your talk. Could you tell us what your Dharma name is and what it means to you? Yeah. It's Shiken Seigetsu.

[24:41]

Now when Darlene gave me it, it was intention clear, awakened moon. And then Sojin changed it. You know, I think a character can mean a lot of things and he said, He felt it was serene moon, still. And he also put clear intention. So I say that now, clear intention, serene moon. And I think at the point, you know, Darlene and I talked about it. She gave me that name. She said, what does it mean for you? You know why I gave it to you? Because I was exploring different emotions, all my emotions, because I think just growing up, we were kind of held in so that was why she gave it to me but I think I really like the rain moon and it just feels that reminds me of calm abiding and I think that's a little bit of my demeanor Linda

[25:44]

Yeah. I feel that I was just... that inmost request was so strong and I probably would do it different in leaving, but I would definitely do it different in staying in better contact. So I've had some consequences to pay for that. And that, you know, it was just a difficult time for me in that life, just trying to find myself. I think it's the latter. I think we are hardest on ourself and we just... I do believe we do the best we can at the time and then we learn and hopefully do it better the next time.

[27:20]

Yeah. Jake? Yeah. Yeah. I know, I wish I could have a talk with him and see how he worked with it. But didn't his son, well of course his mother-in-law went into, his mother, but didn't his son also go into? have an effect on those around us that are, that's hurtful.

[28:47]

Yeah. And I feel like that's what we're talking about, you know, being, having some awareness of it. In the end, if the person is strong, they, they can transform their hurt, but still, you know, you don't want to just say, oh, well, you know, they worked it out. No. Yeah, it's a continuous process for he and I. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's definitely a big one in my life. I don't know, do we have time for one more? Oh, Rihanna? That was another one of those inmost requests that wouldn't leave me alone.

[29:48]

It was just on my back. It was like a monkey on my back, and I finally just said, oh, screw it. I got to do this. I could see it was just going to hound me. So I guess it was really there, but of course I was very nervous about it. So, yeah. Thank you, everyone.

[30:10]

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