I'm pleased to introduce today's speaker, Susan Marvin, from Sentai, Tokyo, Spring Garden Virtuous Presence. Susan's been practicing here a long time. A lot of time in the garden, a lot of time in the kitchen, and a lot of time on the cushion. She started around 2010. So let's hear. Thank you. Good morning everyone. Happy New Year. How's that? Is that OK? 2020 vision. I've been hearing that phrase.

[01:03]

Why not? In November, our wonderful cat, Isabella, died. She was nearly 16 years old, and our daughter had chosen her for her sixth birthday, and so she was with us a long time. It happened very suddenly, two weeks before she just stopped eating and drinking, and the vet couldn't seem to figure out what was wrong with her. and finally suggested an x-ray, and there it was, lung cancer. So, we were thinking we would have her, let her die at home, but the vet said that she was probably suffering a lot more than

[02:06]

we were aware of and that we should consider having her euthanized. We had never done that with another animal that we had, but because we didn't want her to suffer at the end, we agreed. So a couple days later when we brought her to the vets, you know, usually when we brought her to have her yearly shots, she'd be in one of those travel boxes, right? Those animal travel containers. But we thought we would just let her sit on my lap, and Victor drove, and she sat on my lap, and she was just delighted to look out the window. She kind of perked up and, you know, was just peering out, looking at everything as we were going by. Let me pat her, was calm. But about a block from the vet's office, she got very agitated and started biting and scratching me, which she had never done.

[03:09]

And her breathing was starting to change and she jumped down on the floor and sat there on the floor and Victor had. um, parked by now and came around the side with the travel box and we put her in the box carefully because we didn't know if there would be animals inside the waiting room. She didn't like it in that box and we got into the waiting room and I could tell she was agitated and I was talking to her and then all at once it was silence. And I opened the box and she was dead. And she died right there in the waiting room in the box. And I felt just terrible. And I told the. The receptionist, you know, we're leaving. She's just died in the box and she came running out.

[04:15]

She was, you know, of course upset too. And Victor and I took her home and I just felt terrible. I just felt we'd made this huge mistake and why didn't we leave her at home? And, you know, just on and on and on. And Victor said to me, Susan, we had the best of intentions. You have to forgive yourself. And those were such wise words, really. It was just what was needed to kind of wake up, you know, wake up to, What I came to see was my attachment to this idea I had of what was the right way for her to die. What's a good death? What's a good way for her to die? And my control over that, you know, that end to her life. And it got me thinking a lot about intention.

[05:19]

and expectation and our attachment at times to some outcome or result. So I've been kind of studying that intention and that's what I want to talk about today. So what is intention? I guess we could define that first. I looked it up in the dictionary and the ones that interested me the most were from the Latin, stretching out, effort, attention, turning out. And the Chinese, you know, there's so many different Chinese words that mean the same thing, but one was having bearings, direction, orientation. So I liked those. There's nothing there that points to any outcome or what's going to happen.

[06:29]

It's more about how, how to orient ourselves. You know, in our daily lives, we all make intentions to do things and we commit ourselves to do things. And sometimes we change our minds. And that's pretty normal. We might have the intention to, when we're young, to go to school and study a particular field of study, follow a career, follow a work path. And we might change our mind, and that's just fine. And we have lots of intentions like that in our lives that we either stick with or drop because of circumstances changing or our interests changing. But when I was thinking about, well, what is our intention in Zen practice? I thought it has those two components of setting an intention. and making a commitment, but the third part that's so particular to spiritual practice is vow.

[07:35]

And we don't really say that in our daily lives when we set intentions, but in our practice, our practice is very tied to vow. And our vow is a kind of little promise that we make to to follow our intention no matter what happens. So if things happen to us that we think are good or things happen to us that we think are bad, it doesn't matter. Our vow is to continue to practice no matter what. And that's a deepening that happens in our practice when we follow vow because we're not pulled around by the everyday decisions that we might make. I think David says, continuous practice for and with others.

[08:41]

So let's see what Suzuki Roshi says about this. I'm going to read you a little bit from a talk he gave in 1970 at Tassajara. And he doesn't use that word intention, but I think that's what he's talking about. And I wanted to say, you know, these original transcripts, I read a lot and they're so interesting to me because every other sentence says, he laughs or laughing a lot. And I just think that's really important to expose ourselves to that, you know, his lightness and his approach to any topic is just full of that laughter, that lightness of our practice. So in practice, you know, our practice of everyday life is not the practice to attain something, you know, but to start our practice from the beginning, jumping into the pure practice.

[09:43]

That is our practice. Without realizing there's nothing to depend on, and even ourselves, our physical body is transient, so we cannot depend on ourselves physically and mentally. And things exist, looks like permanent, but it's not so. It looks like existent, but it is non-existent, and that is true. With this understanding, we devote ourselves completely in our practice. That is our practice. I think that devotion is what what I'm calling or what I say this word intention is about. Our practice, our intention is simply to practice. It's the most basic root of our practice. Then the question might be what kind of effort, you know, should you make to practice that kind of practice of non-attainment? That would be, you know, your question. Our effort is not like some effort to achieve something, or to carry something, or to run a race.

[10:46]

It is not, you know, that kind of effort from inside to outside. Our effort should be directed inward. Inwardly, you know, to direct our attention, our effort inwardly means to have big mind. If you have big mind, which is not outside, there's no way to direct it. No way to direct it away. It's not possible because there is no outside of it. Whatever happened, things which happens is always happens within ourselves. If you know when you direct your effort outward, it means that your effort is dualistic. How to practice non-dualistic practice is things happen. You know, things happen within ourselves and without disturbing by it, because things happen within our big mind, so our big mind couldn't be disturbed. Things which are going on are always inside of ourselves.

[11:50]

This is called perfect acceptance. We don't say good or bad means, we don't, you know, things happen within ourselves as a movement of big self. Then whatever the movement is, that is the movement of the big self. So we cannot say good or bad. Fundamentally, with this understanding, we practice Zazen. So I get the feeling here that When we say letting go, maybe what he's really talking about is letting be. We have our intention and then we have letting it be. He goes on a little bit and he talks about what about sound from the outside, or what about movement from the outside, or what about mistakes. Slightest mistake does not mean no. And to hear some sound from the outside, or to be caught all of a sudden, drowsiness, or to have difficulty in painful legs,

[12:58]

But you know, the difference between wrong practice and right practice, when you have, for instance, painful legs, is maybe it's rather hard. Let painful legs just be painful legs. That is, you know, how you practice Sazen. And now it says he's laughing a lot. Then he tells this little story. In the Meiji period, there was famous Zen master called Nishihari Bokusan. When he was hospitalized and very sick, he was still, you know, hanging some book from the ceiling. Lying in his bed, he was reading koans. And the doctor said, you must not read, you know. He didn't mind though. He said, my mind is reading, let it read. My body is suffering, let it suffer.

[14:00]

It's okay. So I guess he's pointing to this idea, he talks about effort. He doesn't say it here, but he's pointing to this idea of what we call effortless effort. And what is that? How does effortless effort relate to intention and no attaining mind? I'm going to read you just a paragraph from a lecture that Sojan Roshi gave also at Tassajara in 2006 in the summertime.

[15:00]

And he was talking about practicing prajna paramita. In practice, there is no expectation of payback. We simply give ourselves to practice. The goal of practice is not to get something. It is simply letting be. It is just the opposite of usual ambition. To let go and not expect anything is the foundation for serenity. Serenity brings out joy, and joy brings out enthusiasm. and the way becomes enthusiastic and effortless. Even though we don't expect anything, or maybe because we don't, there are benefits and blessings. But if we practice for that reason, it doesn't work. We have the term effortless effort. It's not hard and it's not easy.

[16:03]

There is riding the wave and following the wave. When you are surfing and you catch a big wave, you wait for just the right moment for the wave to crest. When you are riding the wave, you're also driving the wave. You can't tell whether you're riding or driving. It's that kind of ease. The wave and you are one. You and the horse are one. This is non-dual practice. Dogen calls it turning and being turned. Kind of like a meeting place, it sounds like to me. So I was thinking about this when our daughter was home from college and we were out for a walk and she's studying dance. And so I told her about these readings and I said, I've been thinking about intention and this phrase, effortless effort.

[17:13]

And I wonder what you think about, or if you think about that when you dance. And she said, of course. I think about it all the time. And so I said, well, can we have a conversation about it? And she said, sure. And I said, well, can I tape you so that I can maybe quote you if I want to? And she said, sure. And so I want to read her exact words. What she talked about was that she tries to work on the relationship between tension and effort. So I said, what does that mean, the relationship between tension and effort? And she said, not overdoing it. Put in what you need and don't go past it. And so I said, how do you know what you need?

[18:15]

And she said, there are moments you know you're doing the grandest that you can, and I can just calm down. Why do too much? You don't need it. And then she said, actually, this really reminds me of a Chinese proverb or a Chinese idiom that I learned a long time ago. And she said it in Chinese. And then she said, it's about drawing a snake in a competition. One guy goes too fast. He felt like he was already successful. So he draws the snake with all these feet. And he loses because he put in too much effort. And it's not a snake anymore. Some dancers try too hard. She said, you can see it. She said, it's insecurity about not doing good enough.

[19:17]

Sometimes I wonder to myself, do I need to be doing more? Do I need to be bigger? Do I need to be showing myself off more to my peers or to my teacher? It's taken me a while to realize just dance and be aware of the unnecessary tension and not to be so in myself. I know what I want and I know how to control my body, but releasing unnecessary tension is so important to fully feel a movement and understand you can just be and you don't have to go over the top. In the end, it will help your body be happier and healthier. So I told her, you know, this sounds like Zion's end. And she said, yeah, I guess so. I think that's why I like to come to this head center.

[20:19]

But I thought, you know, we have some variation on these thoughts, or at least I do and have. And as we set our intention, and as we try to find that meeting place of effort and effortlessness, This makes perfect sense, right? Well, this led me to something I remembered reading in Dogen. And again, he doesn't call it intention. He calls it everyday mind. But I think that's, at least in this limited perspective, that's how I view it. It's the chapter on... I'm reading from Moon in a Dew Drop, writings of Dogen. And it's in the chapter on body and mind study of the way.

[21:22]

And it's short, so I'm going to read the whole thing. Every day mind, and he's got that in quotation marks, means to maintain an everyday mind in this world or in any world. Yesterday goes forth from this moment and today comes forth from this place. With going, the boundless sky goes. With coming, the entire earth comes. This is everyday mind. Everyday mind opens up the gate of the inner chamber. I think the inner chamber means something like oneself and the inner meaning of the of the teaching. Because thousands of gates and myriads of doors open and close all at once, it is everyday mind. Now this boundless sky and entire earth are like unrecognized words, a voice from the deep. Words are all-inclusive. Mind is all-inclusive.

[22:23]

Things are all-inclusive. Although there is birth and death in each moment of this life of birth and death, the body after the final body is never known. Even though you do not know it, if you arouse the thought of enlightenment, you will move forward on the way of enlightenment. The moment is already here. Do not doubt it in the least. even if you should doubt it this is nothing but everyday mind so nothing but everyday mind nothing but intention to practice everyday mind might be another way to say that So whatever our surroundings, whatever the tone of our surroundings, our practice is always the same.

[23:32]

It doesn't change. We can remind ourselves to come back to our original intention to practice when we're stuck and we can bring our attention over and over back to that intention, follow our everyday mind. I had a kind of rough and sobering week this past week, and I'll tell you a little bit about it. The day before New Year's, let's say the last day of the year, I was walking to Berkeley Bowl from here to do an errand for the kitchen. And I was just getting to, just down the road at Milvia, about to cross Milvia.

[24:35]

And I heard a man screaming very, very loudly behind me, but on the other side of the street. And I turned to look. And just maybe a house length away from me was a young man on my side who also turned to look. And in front of the screaming man on the other side of the street, maybe about a house length away, two women and a young girl were walking towards him and they stopped. And he was screaming at this little girl. She was maybe six or seven, maybe eight. And we all sort of took a step towards him. And I said in a very calm voice, stop screaming at her. And he kind of jumped back and turned around and was very angry at me, said in a loud voice, don't tell me how to talk to my daughter. And then he turned back to her and started hitting her.

[25:38]

And we all took another couple of steps towards him. And I said, stop hitting her. And I said that about three times. And he suddenly realized that all of these people were walking towards him and he stopped. And he just so in such a loud, but exasperated voice said, what do you expect me to do when she doesn't do what I say? And I said, talk to her, but stop hitting her. talk to her. I must have said that about three times. And he did. And then he turned direction. I guess he didn't want to go in the direction of those women. And he started walking in the opposite direction. And the little girl was walking behind him maybe three or four feet. And one of the women got her cell phone out and made a call. And I think she was calling, I don't know, the police maybe. And the man and I started to walk again.

[26:42]

We walked to Berkeley Bowl. And we watched as the man and his daughter walked up the street. So that was the last day of the year. On New Year's Day, my brother had triple bypass heart surgery in Denver. where he lives with his wife, and it was really out of the blue. He had no idea at all that he had anything wrong in his chest. He learned it quite by accident just maybe a week before that, but the damage was so severe that this was the path to take. And he's had the surgery and he came through it and he's in the ICU and he's doing well so far. And they feel that this may be, probably is genetic.

[27:44]

So I've been advised to have a coronary artery scan to see what's going on in this chest, which I'm going to do next week. And the day after New Year's, I was coming here to Zazen in the morning. We opened the Zendo again at about 5.20 in the morning, and I hit and killed a cat on the road. And I moved the cat to the side. It was dark. I put it on the grass. and came back later with our daughter in the daylight so that we could go around and knock on doors and see if we could find an owner. But nobody knew who the cat belonged to. And maybe it was a stray cat. It had no tags on it. But I just felt awful all day long. You know, just my my stomach was just upset all day long.

[28:48]

And so I've come here today kind of raw and kind of tender. And I thought of every reason I could get out of coming and giving this talk today. But that kind of flew through the mind that afternoon rapidly because after that I just laughed. And I thought, this is exactly what I'm talking about. This is, what is our intention? You know, I'm here today because actually, because this is what we do. We show up. We show up no matter what's going on. No matter how we're feeling, we show up and we continue to practice, even though we don't think we can do it. Maintaining our practice is probably the hardest thing we can do in our lives, but we keep coming back and doing that, even though we know we can't do it.

[29:55]

So that's my message. And before we open it up for discussion or questions, I wonder if you have something to say about intention, Sojin. Tension. Tenseness. Intention. Tenseness is when you're using too much effort. Tension is when you're using too much intention or too much effort to do something.

[31:02]

It doesn't demand that much intent. It doesn't demand that much effort. So effort is just the right tension that holds everything together. Everything is held together in tension, even though everything is moving. So, as Suzuki Roshi used to say, everything is living its balance and evading its balance, moment by moment. That kind of tension holds everything together. I don't know if that's related.

[32:19]

That's part of the etymology. Oh, good question. Yeah, we can. We can too. Yeah, we can. We can. Maybe somebody knows. Hoso, you have something to say about intention or effortless effort? Well, effortless effort is really nice. It's really good. And the question for me, whether it's in my intention, in terms of activities or relationship or zazen, is It seems to me the essence is returning. That you said you find an intention or you make a vow so you have a place to return to with the understanding that naturally you're not going to be able to stay

[33:37]

This is one of the things, I've been writing about something, and I was curated by one of my teachers a number of years ago, because I wrote something about, something cliched about staying in the present. And he actually called me from another state, and he read this thing I'd written, he said, you can't stay anywhere. And vividly this week, what comes to mind is the episode where the Pope was being pulled by this woman in the crowd in Rome, which is not a kind thing to do to an 83-year-old person. But she was excited, and he got angry. And he slapped her hand, which is like, do folks do that?

[34:52]

And then they showed the film. He was pissed off when he turned around. And then the next day, he very, in a very clear, very far away, but he's got a large set of speakers and a microphone. He apologized. And he explained that he had not followed his intention. And so he was renewing his intention. So like in Zazen, we lose our, we're going to sit here and we're going to breathe. about lunch, you know, and then we return. So to me, returning is the essence of Zazen.

[35:57]

Returning is like, that's like the proof of intention. Thank you. Other folks have comments or questions? Charlie? Thank you so much, Susan. I was really shocked at a couple of those incidents. But I was thinking that yes, effort and intention are there, but also there's a positive aspect to intention, and that is a feedback. an encouragement to keep intending. And I'm just wondering, Woody Allen says, showing up is 90% of it, but what's the other 10%?

[36:58]

So maybe it's this helpfulness, this encouragement that we get from our intention. Yeah, I want that, Charlie. I think also we have to remind ourselves that every time we sit down or every time we do something, it's fresh, it's new. It's not old, it's not the same. So part of our intention is to bring that to it, the freshness, that sitting down at Zazen, there's never No period of Zazen is ever the same, right? And that adds something, that's something about returning, but returning with freshness. Or maybe people have other words for what I'm saying is freshness. Other comments?

[38:05]

Yeah, hi, good morning. Thank you so much for a great talk. The thing that kept coming up for me is that intention arises at each moment. In this moment, I intended. In this moment, I intended. In this moment, I intended. And what I heard from you, in my context, is that you were upright for your life. And your intention expressed in every way that you responded to everything that happened. That was your intention finding action. That was your intention finding life. When you hit the cat, your intention was to find an owner, and to create a connection between the cat's death and the owner's suffering. And so in each moment, as you responded to your life, you were upright in the way that you chose to see. When I first came here, one of the first phrases I heard was,

[39:07]

So in each moment, we choose to see, and then we do something about that. We respond in one way or another, and sometimes we're pleased with our responses, and sometimes we're not. So thank you for reminding me that my willingness to see it, my willingness to practice it, is in each moment, and it responds to everything. Well, thank you. I appreciate that. I think it's slightly generous. I think it's also important to look at the ways that we find ourselves attached and to just examine that, not to berate ourselves, but to see because it happens so quickly, you know. I mean, I really suffered when I, when I, when the cat died the way it did. in the box, you know? And I didn't, I wish I could say that I readily moved on. But there are gaps and in a way it's what Alan's saying about returning.

[40:23]

We, we, there are gaps and then we notice and then we return. Yeah, you don't get to do it unencumbered through you. Right. You're unencumbered by the process. Right. But thank you. Linda? on the campaign to vote. Right? So, we didn't mention what we, any of us, didn't begin with that. It's risky. It's dangerous to approach somebody who's violent.

[41:23]

And, uh, so that What about when violence is happening? You just explained and showed us what happens when violence is happening. Accept us for who we are. Accept us for who we are. Thank you. I was very aware of the surroundings. And I think that's key, right? I was aware there were other people around. And it was a kind of dance, even though we didn't talk to one another. We took careful steps. So I think everybody felt that. But I was really shaken afterwards. It's a hard thing to watch.

[42:25]

Thank you. We have a piece of that story that really stays with me. It's this moment of watching the girl walk after her father, and even though knowing that someone was calling someone, maybe there would be accountability and feeling after, and maybe not, you needed to go. You needed to continue. with that not knowing. And so to me, the hopeful practice in that is that because you have really made this simple, I would say, deep connection with both of them, and how that touched you,

[43:29]

that the not knowing can hold all of that. And it reminded me of what you said at the beginning about, you know, we're in places we do worship, about just letting the pain in your legs be the pain. So it's like being able to be with, but there's still this pain. Yeah. Holding that not knowing. Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah, thank you. That's a good point. Thank you. Somebody back there had their hand up. Oh, Lori. Hi. Could you say a little bit about how we find this? It's kind of like finding the deeper intention or finding the intention rather than just making it, it feels like. But how do we find what our actual intention is? Seems like it. arises from, I don't know, this might sound weird, but like making mistakes, like failing, you know, and just seeing what the tendency or the urge to control is, and then letting it be and watching what really happens when we let things be.

[44:58]

I don't know, does that make sense? And then the obvious answer is just, you know, let's face it, years and years and years of practicing. You know, I mean, I laughed at myself because I did have this actual thought, like, I just want to crawl in a hole. after I hit the cat, you know, that later that day. And then I thought, well, that, you know, you don't know what's inside that hole. There's all kinds of weird stuff inside, you know, and that really made me laugh because I thought, you know, why do I, why do we always think that there's something better somewhere else? And being here today, you know, even though I didn't really want to come, being here today is quite wonderful because I'm, lifted up and supported by this wonderful community and our fine teachers, right?

[46:02]

So, I don't know, does that answer your question? For today, right? We'll keep talking about it, right? Gary? Well, I'm glad you're here. Thank you. Hi, Stephanie. If I'm always going to be getting off the cushion and recognizing that I can get back on, I have permission to forgive myself.

[47:25]

Something I've had difficulty doing for this long ago. Thank you for your time. Oh, you're welcome. But I like what you're saying, you know. Mistakes are just that. They're just mistakes. I think I've told this before, I remember one day, not so long ago when I was practicing as the dough on and I hit too many bells and after the service surgeon came to me and said, you know. you hit too many bills. And I said, yeah, I knew it the minute I did it. And he said, that's good. And I said, what do you mean that's good? And he said, that's the most important thing, is to know that you made a mistake. But that's it, right? Like, we don't have to do all that trashing, right? You just return, right? Just return. It's impossible to live without making mistakes. So thank you for saying that. Ross?

[48:28]

I sounded too many bells this morning. You did? I was thinking about that. Oh, I missed that. Nevertheless, so my question is about the laughter that you mentioned of subuki roshis. And I grew up in a house where there was a saying that, you know, We plan, but God decides. And it wasn't a particularly light or lasting sort of expectation of intention. But in our practice, we don't say, you know, God decides. Well, when I read it, the way it hits me is just like lighten up, number one, and try something new, like don't be so predictable, number two, and enjoy our practice.

[49:53]

I mean, we've all come here because this practice is a sensible way to live, we've decided, right? And so to settle into that, I think that's where the lightness comes for me. But I didn't know him. Maybe you know where all that laughter, I think he just enjoyed his life. I mean, when we do find that meeting, everybody's had that experience where you just sort of let things be and it's delightful. Something happens. That's right. Lightening up doesn't mean lightening your intention.

[50:55]

No, no. But maybe it's related to what Sojin was saying about being tense, like that that's unnecessary. Right? Or what Lee Hong said when she's dancing, if she doesn't release the tension, then it doesn't fill, the movement doesn't get filled. Right? And that's true in Zazen. Right? What do you think? You were light. So what's your answer? I think I've gotten lighter since practicing. But my friends used to say, he's in a blubbish mood. And it was his frown. It was kind of like, you know, this sort of young teenage monk that just moved on to my 20s and 30s. But I think, for me, I think enough things fell apart.

[51:56]

That's good. One last thing. Hi! So, effortless intention makes sense in a way. I like the sensation of it, maybe not the words that come out of it. Maybe when we're not thinking of me, myself, and I. You know, we're just doing. You know that... I think of that as the meeting place of effortless effort.

[53:09]

You know, that place where we forget about The small mind. And we've all had those experiences where you're in the activity. That's really the essence of our practice, isn't it? Isn't that intention right there? So with effort, is there an importance to effort? Or is it just the importance of having intention, not necessarily that there's effort? There should be effort. The effort is what makes each small. Well, maybe you can answer that by thinking about not making effort. What happens if you don't make effort? What do you think? So there's your answer. They all go together, right? I mean, you know, this is the difficulty of language, but there is intentional effort.

[54:14]

involved in getting here. And then if we let things be, we would really just enjoy the practice. Sounds like a longer conversation. Okay, I see the striker is right there. Thank you all so much and I hope that you have a wonderful weekend and that this is a good start to a very important year 2020.

[54:52]

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