my ex-husband, right? So, there are people in this room who know about my relationship with my ex-husband. But, you know, in the moment when a thought of my ex-husband comes up, there's this mixed love of my ex-husband and irritation about my ex-husband, right? Perfect example. Or, The Supreme Court, Robert Alton Harris, you know, the Supreme Court saying, you people in California don't have the right to status execution. You know, we said 14 years ago that this man was guilty, why can't we just kill him now? And the feelings that come up around that.

[01:01]

Or even just, I would like to be able to take a complete inhalation. I would like to be able to breathe completely. I would like to give an example of something that is very searing to me. And I never really talk about this with anybody, so I'm going to... And the little boy naturally awakens this feeling that is warm and very positive. And we call it love. I cannot feel the same for the little girl. And this is one of the most healing things for me in my life. And yet I know I There's a part of me, or a great part of me, that really loves her.

[02:06]

But there's something, a part of me, that I don't quite know, that blocks that full feeling from coming out. And this has been something that has given me a lot. How about, oh, I feel blocked in expressing my love. Does that touch it? Or is it a different description? Because we all have these. Yeah, Laurie? I don't have a suggestion for that, but it just seems to me, after just listening to Elena, that it's so important to follow the lack of control rather than try to get the control. You know what I mean? Yeah. You shouldn't try to get the... because it's actually the lack of control that proves Right, right.

[03:10]

Because it's really, that's lack of self, that you can't control your life. And that's why, you know, we can't control the world. And somehow in following that lack of control is how we'll somehow know how to act, it seems like to me. That's really important, yeah. Just following the lack of control. Follow whatever suffering. Keep noticing it and copying to it. And just seeing if there's other causes than just your idea of your love for your granddaughter are operating here. And you don't know what they all are, but there's a stream of causes that are pushing you. That's kind of a Buddhist attitude, too. I don't know if that's right. This one other... Oh, I'm sorry. Colin also has something. Oh, being a grandmother, I'm identifying I also feel some guilt, like I'm a bad person because I don't love this little child.

[04:17]

So, in formulating what we were doing, oh, I feel so guilty or I feel like a bad person or not, you know, may be helpful. Right, that's... You know, really going with that, that we don't want to see. I don't want to see that I may be the... I feel like a really bad person for not feeling the way you should. I'm not feeling the same love toward one child as I do toward another. If that's the way it is, that's the way it is. these feelings are, the way you're feeling might be, it can change.

[05:38]

So you have to not try to so much try to change it as just try to examine what these conditions are and then possibly you're creating a condition for it to change. There's no guarantee, but it's not fixed. There has been a change already, because this has been going on for a very long time. If I may say so to this lady, I think that one thing that's important, which she's probably already aware of, is not to, since she knows there is this situation, not to discriminate against one child. Like not to make it overt in front of the two of them that she likes the little boy better than the little girl. Because that will help the little girl and if she's aware of her feelings, I think it's important.

[06:41]

Yeah, to pay attention to how she acts so that the children, if possible, don't become aware of that. And I think it's possible to do that. So you're talking about the awareness itself helping you not carry it further into action. Right. That seems to me that's important. say things that they should never say. You know, there'll be two little kids, brothers, two sisters or something like that, and they will comment that one kid is really cute, and then they won't say anything about the other one. And children pick up these things like sponges. Right. They get hurt. So that the awareness is actually helping in the situation, because it creates a pause between the impulse and the action in some way. Well, I'm saying, I don't think it's so important to try to like those children equally, because how we act, that is, not to give twice as many gifts to one kid and half as much to the other one, that kind of stuff.

[07:44]

Yeah, so this is what Buddha said in the Mahasatipatthana Sutra. Buddha talks about... No, it's not Buddha who talks about the Mahasatipatthana. Did Buddha give the Mahasatipatthana? He did. Right, okay. So he talks about being aware of feelings. feelings of attraction, of aversion, and of, I just don't know. And that's one of the four foundations of mindfulness, of being aware of when we're, when we like something, when we don't like something or someone, and of not knowing. And that's a way to return to the ground, just like that meditation on inhalation and exhalation we did. That was the way to return to the ground of inhalation of breath. This is the same thing as far as returning to the ground of feelings is to...

[08:46]

be aware of them, to keep pace with them, to be aware of them not just in our thinking minds, but to integrate, to go along with, to be exactly at the same pace of them with our whole being. That awareness is one of the four foundations of mindfulness. Mu, Red was talking about Mu last week and he said that Mu is the battle cry of people who want to give up their ideas of perfection in, and I'd like to add, in love or in dealing with the world. and to act in accord with peace and harmony and with the universe. So, this Mu is a very handy catch-all phrase for returning to the ground and letting the appropriate action come up.

[10:03]

So, I wish we had another two hours to get into this, but it's about two minutes of eleven, so Does anyone have one last thing to say or shall we close? Perhaps in the Great Wisdom Sutra that we chant all the time it makes the point very clear that all the sages depend on prajna paramita Now the key is, where is it? And can I carry it with me from this cushion? Can I make it to the car with it? Much less into tomorrow. You can't even make it off the Zoffer with that. I'm sorry.

[11:07]

Can't make it off the Zoffer with that either. Move and the space between what? I am willing, not that I will do it, if I am willing to carry that with me throughout the day, to take it to sleep with me, to get up with me, if I am willing, maybe the universe will do it for me. Who knows? Then all these emotions, and all this hatred, and all these feelings, and these terrors that I feel, they don't exist, perhaps. Maybe it's just an inside job. Then, then, you feel free to work Perhaps if I'm willing to take these things into my everyday life, just be willing, perhaps I can escape. Or be willing to drop, be willing to drop the things, be willing to acknowledge and drop the things that keep us from realizing that Mu is who we are.

[12:12]

I mean, that's when you come right down to it. She's doing the best she can with the two of them. She's doing the best she can. It's all just asked of her. Maybe. Maybe. That is true. I do the best I can. That's all. And it's, oh, it's never good enough. You know what I mean? You wanted to say something? It's a little long. Maybe I can... Is it okay? Yeah. And talking about perfection, oh, it's just never good enough. I've been the kind of person, with many other people, that has strived to get it just right. And actually, I'm realizing that not only can I not get it just right, but I'm just not that kind of a person.

[13:22]

And it's not a bad thing, I'm just, I'm mindless and I lose things and I am kind of clumsy and that's the way that I am and even though I try to get it just right and yesterday I was moving some books which Ross who is so organized and He's really good. He has a PhD in Organization. So I was moving books from this one set of shelves in our bedroom to the office, and trying to keep them just right in alphabetical order. And I got them on the shelf, and I was drinking some tea, and I was doing a lot of other things at the same time, and the shelf came crashing down. And all those books that were in alphabetical order were completely jumbled. And it knocked over my teacup, so they were mixed with tea. And they broke a very wonderful pot that I had bought from this southwestern American Indian.

[14:24]

And it just, it was a disaster. And I panicked. And I called Ross, and I was hysterical. Because, and I realized it was because Oh no, now everybody, there's no hiding it. This is it. This is me, I can't get away from it. This, you know, it just, no matter what I've done to try and get it to dry, it's just... And that's called Buddhist disillusionment. I wish I'd shouted moo. I know. Oh, you didn't even have an enlightenment experience the way everybody else does. Oh, you didn't even get something out of it. I think that maybe You should ask Mel about this later.

[15:29]

Because... that's 11. You've got to finish the sentence. What? You have to finish the sentence. What sentence? Because... That's 11. that you imply that if it's two minutes to eleven, you would take care of it? I don't know. Would I take care of it? I don't know. But Buddha says, there is an origin to suffering, there is an end to suffering, and the end to suffering is the path. Right? Buddha says this. It's actually up to us what we do after we notice the suffering. I mean, humor. Humor is a pretty good start.

[16:39]

Not the bitter humor that has resentment underneath it, the kind that is barbed, but the kind that's the shelf Or, hey Ross, what did you do next, right? Well, Ross came home on his lunch break to make sure that I wasn't home. I just noticed, rather than my habitual, oh you stupid jerk, I just realized that, you know, I just can't hide this from the world. It's just going to keep coming up to me like this. Okay, so what I'd like to point out is that this, instead of my habitual blah, blah, blah, I just notice, which is called the path. And it's the result of many times when you've had the intention to notice and have failed to notice before.

[17:45]

And that there's been an exact There's been a change, actually, and this is cause for hope. This is a demonstration of the fruits of the path here. So I would like to acknowledge it and honor that it's in these little moments that we get all the encouragement that we're ever going to have on the Buddhist path. So that is an encouraging story to me, yeah. Oh, I wanted to say one more thing, which is, the other thing I noticed was, I was calling Ross because I thought he was going to be angry with me. But I think it was, I was calling him because I was so angry with myself. In one instant, it was just, I was, he wasn't angry. He wasn't even there. Right, and that fear of someone else's anger is your own neurosis, so there's still room for, you know, future intention.

[18:51]

And this is like the rest of the world. I mean, what your story points out, the meeting place between intention, past intention, and future results, right? if you can change that little thing. Maybe we can change what we do when we read the newspaper, or when we take out the trash, or when we have to give our head student answers, or when we have to decide whether to have a town meeting on what's happening in this place or that place. You know, there's things when we decide what to plant or, you know, there's all sorts of times when the path is applicable and when we can change and when we can meet ourselves without any ideas and just do the next constructive thing.

[20:12]

So, anyway, this is what I've been working on in my own life and practice. It's called enthusiasm. It's called just what happens next after you've developed some patience with whatever's bothering you. What happens next? This is called enthusiasm. It's one of the six paramitas. Thank you for going through it with me.

[20:45]

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