prayer. Let us pray. Send forth your... O God, grant us to give to the Spirit that you gave to Saint Benedict, that we too may love what he loved and practice what he taught. We ask this through Christ our Lord. Now, if you're looking for a title on this, you could call it almost anything, I suppose, but the title I gave it was, Repentance Conversion prepare the same kind of meal. That'll come at the end. Thank you kindly. Henry Nowen, whom many of you know, I believe, and who was nearby, it seems like whenever Henry went anyplace, he always wrote a book after he went there about the experience. And back in 79, he produced that little book called A Cry for Mercy, which really was kind of a reflection on Lent, kind of like personal prayers, if you recall.

[01:09]

And on Ash Wednesday, for example, that year, he thanked God for the great grace that was his in having the opportunity to spend Lent at the monastery. And then, if you recall that, he went through all kinds of things, and now he really had never you know, understood what Lent was all about until now, and he never really practiced it the way he should have practiced it, and what a tremendous grace this was, and how was he ever going to celebrate Easter if he didn't go through Lent, and along those lines. That his words, however, might not appear as some kind of a vague and general sentiment. You know, sometimes people say, oh God, be merciful to me as a sinner, and you say, what are you talking about? Well, it's total generalities, huh? now in here, so that his sentiment will not appear to be simply vague and general sentiments. He not only states that there is much in him that needs to die, but he states specifically some of the areas of his life that he acknowledged are in need of uprooting if the divine light is going to have free reign.

[02:19]

In other words, if he is to live as an adopted son to which he has been called. Now, what does he list? I think when all is said and done, they are but variants of the famous capital sins of the ancients. He speaks, for example, of attachments that are false, attachments that hinder him from being true to his calling, He speaks of greed and anger, of impatience and stinginess. If you remember in that book, there's a talk where he wants to be removed from everybody, and yet he's the first one to run down to see if he got any mail. And then he's totally disappointed that the people aren't writing to him. So when you see something like that, when a guy is that honest, then all of a sudden you say, well, is there anything like that?

[03:20]

Is it possible there could be anything like that in me, you know? A failure to have seized the moment when he could have served others in their need and didn't. He speaks of self-centeredness, his own concern about himself, his career, his future, his name and his fame. And then he cries out, Oh my God, often I even feel that I use you for my own advantage. How preposterous, how sacrilegious, how sad. But yes, Lord, I know it is true. I know that often I have spoken about you, written about you, and acted in your name for my own glory and my own success. Your name has not led me to persecution or rejection. Your name has brought me rewards.

[04:23]

I see clearly now how little I have died with you, really gone your way, and been faithful to you. O Lord, make this Lenten season different from the other ones. Let me find you once again. Amen." Everything was put into kind of a form of prayer. Now, I go back to those because I am a great believer, you know, in self-knowledge and self-deception, which we'll talk about some other time. Later on in Lent, he turns to the Lord and he asks to experience his kindness and gentleness. And around that time, it seems to me, people often use the expression, you know, the Lord loves me, the Lord loves me. And so he uses that expression, but then he says, although, he says, although I say that often, the Lord loves me, the Lord loves me, you know, I really don't think I believe it.

[05:27]

I don't think I really think he does love me, that he really hasn't penetrated the center of my heart. And now what made him say that? Listen to this, the simple thing that, the simple fact that he still got so easily upset because of a disappointment, so easily angered because of a slight criticism, and so easily depressed because of a slight rejection. Now, who of us, you know, have not experienced slight rejections or slight criticism, whatever it happens to be? And how many of us, when we experience those things, you know, feel elated? You know, we feel like the apostles. We rejoice that we've been counted worthy to suffer with Christ. I don't think that's what most of us, that's not our first reaction, I don't think. So this is one of the ways that he saw this as kind of revealing to him You know, something of the fact that he really wasn't that convinced that that really had entered into his heart, that reality of God's love for him.

[06:33]

This experience revealed to him that God's love did not yet fill him, that his love of God, of himself and of others and the world, was still in need of ordering and reconciliation. It's not excluding any of these, but they have to be in the proper order and reconciled together. The love of others, the love of the world, the love of God first, obviously. The fact that he still was so easily thrown off balance made him aware of how much he stood in need of God's kindness and gentleness, of the power and the warmth of God's love penetrating into the very center of his being. And when you stop and think of that, that really isn't kind of a bad description of what Easter and the Resurrection is all about. It's the power and the warmth of God's love penetrating into the very center of our being. Now, whether you like this type of manifestation of conscience or not is, I suppose, in some ways, a matter of taste.

[07:44]

Nonetheless, I do think it takes not much serious reflection on the part of anyone who has ever really tried to enter into his own heart, to be able to identify with much of what Nouwen has described. There may be different areas of the capital sins that we would stress if we were describing our own situation, but I think that if we were honest, the end result will probably not have been too different, in this at least, that all of us could exclaim to the Lord I see clearly how little I have died with you, really gone your way, and been faithful to it. O Lord, make this Lenten season more fruitful. During these days may I keep my manner of life more pure, may I wash away during this holy season my negligences of other times, may I recognize and respond to every human being as to my brother, and may I look forward with all spiritual longing for Holy Easter in the joy of the Holy Spirit."

[09:01]

Obviously to paraphrase a little bit of of Mao and Benedict, the rule, huh? But I think that's what, every Lent, don't we kind of more or less do the same thing? And we start, most of us, I think, start out pretty well on Ash Wednesday, you know? And we're pretty clear what we're going to work on, what we think's going to happen, huh? And I think by the time Lent is coming around, we may, by the time Lent is over, that is, we may wonder, you know, Gee, remember the story of the Desert Fathers? One of the monks wants to know how to pray, you know? You know, how much effort you put, remember that? And there's some water in the desert. Stuck his head in the water, pulled it up, and the guy stuck it in again, this time a little longer, the guy stuck it in a third time, he says, when you learn to pray like you're trying to breathe, you're going to know what prayer is all about.

[10:03]

The idea isn't to go around sticking your head in the water or sticking someone else's head in the water. That's not the point of the story, you know. When all is said and done, it seems to me that now one is expressing in a prayer form the truth that repentance or conversion, when all is said and done, is a gift from God. And if man truly desires it, he must request it with fervent prayer. He is also reminding us how I think of St. Paul's teaching in the letter to the Romans, namely, that through the first Adam, sin and death have not only entered into the world, but also dominate man's life. But as Christians, we are convinced that in the power that comes to us from Christ, we can move further and further away from sin, from concrete sin. Conversion or repentance, seems to me, is passing from the old Adam to the new, that is to Christ.

[11:13]

It is, as we know, a gradual and continuous process. So we don't expect it in a day. Now Augustine knew this well, and on the first Sunday of Lent, he expressed the pain and the suffering that is part of the purification process that a disciple must go through who is following the way, following Christ. And this is a quote from Augustine. Now this reminds me of a little story I read the other day to you from the Desert Fathers about how necessary temptation was, And I thought of that afterwards, and you know, in the rules, when a guy knocks on the door, Benedict asks, what is that? Is he truly seeking God? And he means, is he seeking Him in a certain way? Is he eager for the opus Dei? Is he eager for obedience? And is he eager, and the Latin is opprobrium, and the way the RB1980 translated it was trial.

[12:16]

Now I've often, at least in my own mind, I've often seen that in terms of the gospel text, you know, when they get to cross and follow me. And so I don't think, you have to think of temptation as something different along those lines. But anyway, here's a custom. Our pilgrimage on earth cannot be exempt from trial. We progress by means of trial. No one knows himself except through trial. In other words, you know, people go through some very difficult times in life, huh? And sometimes you sit back and you just marvel. at how some of these people go through it and how they seem to come out with a strength in faith and a strength in love of God and of other people. I find some people who are extremely generous when someone is in need. I mean, they forego all kinds of stuff to assist that person.

[13:23]

Anyway, so he's saying, no one knows himself except through trial or receives a crown except after victory, or strives except against an enemy or temptation. He expressed the victory that comes to us in Christ in this way. Christ received His flesh from your nature, but by His own power gained salvation for you. He suffered insults in your nature but by His own power gain glory for you. Therefore He suffered temptation in your nature, but by His own power gain victory for you. If in Christ we have been tempted, in Him we overcome the devil. Do you think only of Christ's temptation and fail to think of His victory?

[14:30]

See yourself as tempted in Him, and see yourself as victorious in Him. He could have kept the devil from Himself, but if He were not tempted, He could not teach you how to triumph over temptation. I think that's a beautiful text from Augustine, again, on how one Christ became with us and how the victory that he won, he desires to be ours. And he knows that we're not going to win that victory except through trial. We know that. There's no other way that somehow or other we're proven. and we could all, here, describe certain situations in our life that seemed to be tremendous trials, and that seemed to make absolutely no sense, that seemed to be totally asinine. And yet, through it, we sensed, you know, a further step on the journey.

[15:38]

I could give you several. Now, let me give you a further example of what it means to enter into the heart. One day, I was doing a reading from St. Augustine. I used to like to look at the Fathers, and especially look at the rule, certain references of the rule, and then go look at the Fathers, see if I could find some little commentary on them, or find those similar phrases like that. And one day I was looking at it, And the reading that I was looking at consisted of a series of scripture quotes, each followed by a relatively short reflection. Now, one quote was from Galatians. Bear one another's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. Now, if anything can be a trial or a temptation, it is bearing one another's burdens." And he said, so, the community wasn't all that, I'm sorry, the commentary wasn't all that complicated, and somehow or other, one of those times you read it, you put it down, and you went about your business, and it kept coming back to you.

[16:54]

And so, as we prepare during Lent to enter into our hearts, to open the doors of our hearts ever wider to the Lord and His redemptive love, I'd like to share with you the reflection on this little passage. Now, certainly, simple as it is, what Augustine has to say is a big part of what it means for us to daily be open to Christ, to His redemptive love, and in turn making that love operative in the here and now. And that's, you know, you don't become one with Christ to go on a corner. And even the greatest contemplative didn't go on a corner by themselves, as you know. In the desert, by accident. But anyway, that's not that point. The little thing. Bear one another's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. Now, what is the law of Christ? And how is it to be lived? Very simply put, God sent us, by bearing one another's burdens, we certainly are conscious of the primacy of this truth during these days of Lent, as we prepare to celebrate the Paschal Mystery.

[18:12]

That's what Christ did, huh? He bore our burden. In fact, Jesus did not hesitate to say that the reality of our love for one another is the sign whereby we will be known as His disciples, the sign that will, in other words, indicate that we are truly His, and that it is His love that pulsates within our veins. So if you don't have that sign, something is missing. It is because of His love that has been poured into our hearts, that we are able to bear one another's burdens day in and day out, until we come to the end of our pilgrimage, where there will be no further burdens to bear. But now the way we arrive at that life, which is free of every burden, is by bearing in turn one another's burdens.

[19:14]

Now, nothing so proves the reality of friendship Nothing so proves that a family or community is a true communion of persons as the fact that its members are actually bearing one another's burdens. Augustine makes, I think at least, an interesting, and if I might even add, a rather consoling observation in the sense that it takes into account, I think, the human condition. Two people, he tells us, would not be able to bear each other's burdens if they had to do it at the same time, or if each had the same weakness at the same moment. Or, if after overcoming one's burden, someone else helped you bear your burden, if after overcoming a burden

[20:19]

the individual no longer had compassion for the other who suffered the same burden. You can't be indifferent on this thing. In other words, if someone helped you bear your burden, you can't forget that. You've got to remember that. Remember the first I spoke of remembering. I think our biggest fault is we forget. Everybody do. I do think that. We forget. We forget God's presence. We forget all the wonderful things He's done to us. We forget how He's upheld us in terms of trials. We do a new trial and the world's coming to an end. So then, and I think that's very important. Just imagine if someone helped you bear a burden and now your other brother has a burden like that and you totally ignore him. Well, you'll get over that. We all do. I mean, you know, it's not very helpful, you know. Then Augustine gives the simplest of examples to show what it means to bear another one of those burdens.

[21:24]

There are, of course, many examples one could give of bearing the burdens of others, whether these be a body or behavior, as Benedict reminds us in the Rule. One can think of any number. For example, bearing a brother who is burdened with sickness, with sorrow, with loneliness, with injustice, with jealousy. Nigga Daniel, a jealousy, envy, he's bearing the burden of envy, or whatever you. How do you help him bear that burden? But for our purpose, we will simply take the example that Augustine uses, namely, bearing the anger of your brother. Now, I've mentioned anger many times, as you know, and I think you'll find that many psychologists tell us that that is one of the biggest problems today among people. And they, what's his name, at St. Luke's, Yeah, Rosetti. He, in March, gave a talk, I believe that to Greg, to people involved in vocation work, or spiritual formation of seminarians, things like this.

[22:31]

But he was talking about the people that come to St. Luke's, and very often, he claimed, one of the biggest problems is anger. And they have never sat down in the presence of God, like the lamentations are, and let the Lord know what they're feeling. And he said, one of the things they do, for I don't know how many weeks, you go in chapel for a half hour a day, and you just sit there in the morning, or you go twice a day at one time, you go in and you tell him what's the problem. In other words, it's like our friend Bloom there, on the penitent, you know, you're gonna forgive God? Well, you go in and tell God what you're mad about. You know? Open up to him. Anyway, to go back to our little thing here. Now this is very nice, I think. I mean, I like this. You probably gathered that. I hope that means something to you. So we're going to take the example of anger. As Augustine put it, you will bear the anger of your brother, listen to this, at a time when you yourself are not angry at him,

[23:43]

you can't bear it, huh? "...so that in turn he may support you by his own gentleness and calm at a time when your anger has gripped you." Now notice, remember I said how consoling this was? I mean it's not as if he's conscious of the problem and he's conscious that in helping you bear your problem today I can hope you're going to help me bear my problem tomorrow. But the key, notice what he said. How am I going to help you bear? How am I going to help you bear that problem of anger? By gentleness and calm. If I'm not gentle and calm at that moment, I can't help you bear that problem. I can't help you bear your anger. I'm only going to intensify it. This example obviously refers to a case in which both parties are experiencing the burden of anger but at different times.

[24:49]

We also clearly note the instruments or tools that enable one to bear another's anger, namely gentleness and calm. Only when I am gentle and calm can I help another see his anger for what it truly is, just as his gentleness and calm help me to see my anger for what it is. In other words, to see anger for what it is, I believe, is to see it as blinding, selfish, and destructive. Who amongst us doesn't know what it is to have our brother help us bear our burden of anger? And isn't this area of anger one area in our heart that we would like to open to the doors ever wider, to the gentleness and calm of Christ.

[25:53]

That's why you can always turn to the Lord. His gentleness and calm is always there to hear us out. For we know that if we don't, not only will it not be uprooted, but we will never be able to bear the anger of another. What happens, Augustine says, If the same burdens, for example anger, afflicts both persons at the same time, I think we all have experienced that, obviously they cannot support one another while each is at odds with himself. In other words, as we have experienced way too often, it is only when we possess ourselves that we are able to help another possess himself. Of course, it can happen that two people are both angry, but their anger is directed toward a third person. Can't they then support one another? And Augustine will not be drawn into that type of verbal gymnastic.

[27:00]

He says very clearly that two angry people who are seemingly united against a third person do not really support one another but rather encourage one another in exercising a vice. Again he is saying something that all of us know from within and he is reminding us that evil is incapable of building a communio, a communion of persons. Only love can do that. And perhaps, I never thought of it this way before, but perhaps Benedict's whole notion of grumbling might be something seen along the same line. That doesn't build a communion, doesn't build communal. So that if I am to bear another's burdens, I must do so in such a way that the other person be truly freed from it. In no way am I to identify with the burden, with the anger, so that it becomes a burden that takes possession of or controls me.

[28:04]

Obviously, If I let that happen, I would not be able to help, but I would simply be making the burden heavier for both of us. Now, what motivates us? What enables us to put forth the effort to willingly bear the burdens of others? And Augustine tells us that the motivation comes from knowing how much the Lord has loved us, and how He endured our burdens to free us from them. If we're convinced of that, we don't forget that, then it means we have to exercise that same thing towards others. He then quotes the familiar text from Philippians that's going to play such an important part in the liturgy of Holy Week. Though he was in the form of God, Christ did not deem equality with God something to be grasped at, rather He emptied Himself, being born in the likeness of men.

[29:07]

It was thus that He humbled Himself, obediently accepting even death, death on a cross. Because of this, God highly exalted Him. At Jesus' name every knee must bend and every tongue proclaim to the glory of God the Father, Jesus Christ is Lord. I think his point is clear. Just as Christ did not look after His own interests but ours, so also should we, His disciples, imitate Him. by willingly bearing one another's burdens. The message to me is so clear, so simple, and yet, as we know, so demanding. And I don't think it's something that... I think it's a demand on us as long as we have life.

[30:10]

Only if we open the doors of our hearts to Jesus and the outpouring of His redemptive love, will we be able to bear one another's burdens and thus make operative here and now the love of Christ." Now, that reminds me, that reminds me of the story you probably all heard of Corrie Tan Boom, a different name. She was in the concentration camp in Germany with her sister, if you recall, and after the war she was going around preaching reconciliation. Remember that? She went all around everybody and she was talking forgiveness and all this thing. And things were going great, great reception. So this one night she gives her famous little speech and someone comes up to thank her and to shake her hand and she looks and it is one of the guards of the concentration camp. I used to stand, I believe, at the women's shower when they went in.

[31:12]

And it seems to me her sister somehow was involved in it. I can't remember the whole thing. And she said her arm froze. She just could not lift it. She was just shocked. that he would expect. You know, we're all that way, you know. We preach it and all of a sudden someone's around us and we're shocked they expect that of us, you know. And she said she turned to the Lord and she said, I can't, therefore you must. It's the same thing here. It's only in his power that we can do. It's only in His power that any of us can exercise charity, to start with. And the point I'll try to make today with penance or conversion, it's a gift. That's a gift of God. Okay, now for the conclusion. During this holy season, when Jesus seeks us out much more passionately than we seek Him, Let us plead with the Lord that we may be faithful throughout the days of our life in carrying one another's burdens, not only with equanimity, but with the greatest willingness, so that we may grow into the communion of persons who not only are known as, but are in truth, disciples of the Lord.

[32:35]

That's a great demand. Now, my conclusion. There's a lovely reading in the Roman opus. I don't know if you read it. I mean, we all have different reading now. But in the Roman opus, there's a lovely reading for Wednesday of Holy Week. And what I'm going to give you, Augustine doesn't put it quite this way, but he would have had, he thought a little bit more about it. So this is kind of a paraphrase, you know, of Augustine. But anyway, he says this, something along these lines. Whenever you sit down to eat at the Lord's table, consider carefully what is set before you. Then stretch out your hand and take your portion of the body and blood that the Lord has prepared for you. But be ever mindful that you, in your turn, will have to prepare the same kind of meal for others.

[33:45]

And bearing one another's burdens, whether they be a body or behavior, is, I think, what it means for us to prepare for others the same kind of meal that the Lord has prepared for us. Thank you kindly. Raise up in your church, O Lord, the spirit that animated our Holy Father Benedict that filled with the same we too may strive to love what he loved and to practice what he taught through Christ our Lord. Now, if we're looking for titles, hopefully we'll draw this together, the title I gave this talk is Obedience, Redemptive Surrender. Now, Redemptive Surrender. Now, many moons ago, I was a novice at St.

[34:51]

Vincent in Metrobe, Pennsylvania. That's where he met under Bishop. And in those days, it was the custom for novices to have daily, in addition to private spiritual reading, a half hour of public spiritual reading. And as one might expect, some of the books read were more impressive than others. Now, I'll never forget my reaction to a book that was read by Father Faber on self-deception. It was the first time that I had ever encountered a treatise on the subject, and I'll always remember my utter confusion as I tried to digest, uncritically I'm afraid, what seemed to me to say that behind every decision we make, no matter how much thought or discernment has gone into it, no matter how much apparent sacrifice might be involved, no matter how much it might appear to be motivated by charity, Still, in the end, the whole decision might very well be pure self-deception, the promotion of an extremely selfish interest.

[36:00]

Now, as I try to make some kind of judgment about what seemed so confusing, I can still remember to this day of thinking that it would be an awful way to live if one had to constantly question every motivation and try to see what the real motivation behind it was. All I could think of was the mess that Descartes got himself into with his methodical doubt and in his over-eager attempt to get at certitude. However, as you recall, he ended up denying the very reality in which alone his certitude could be grounded. I think we will all have come to realize that there are a multiplicity of motivations behind most things that we do, and it is only gradually, with the help of the Good Lord, that the motivation of charity begins to dominate, purify, and direct all the others.

[37:03]

In fact, this is the life work of the Christian. To somehow, and I suppose the Eastern Fathers would speak in terms, you know, of that deification, that deifying faith that Benedict speaks of, to somehow refuse to admit the presence of an element of selfishness or self-deception in the motivation behind our choices would be, I suppose, to refuse to admit the presence of sin. and the need of an ever-ongoing process of conversion or purification. That's what we take the bow of Crown of Salt to warm. That's where we take that, I think. Perhaps it was something of this tendency to ignore some of the negative motivations behind our choices that caused the fathers of the desert to insist that the man of God is not one who does not experience the struggle of lower motivations, but one who is able to let the motivation of charity gradually dominate. We see something of this in the following story from the Desert Fathers.

[38:08]

It was said of an old man, oh, an old man, that's someone who's wise. It was said of an old man that for fifty years he had neither eaten bread nor drunk wine readily. He even said, I have destroyed fornication, avarice, and vainglory in myself. Remembering that he had said this, Abraham came to him and said, did you really say that? He answered, yes. Then Abraham said to him, if you were to find a woman lying on your mat when you entered yourself, would you think that it is not a woman? No, he replied, but I would struggle against my thoughts so as not to lie with her. Abba Abraham then said, then you have not destroyed the passion, but it still lives in you, although it is controlled. Again, if you are walking along and you see some gold amongst stones and shells, can your spirit beguile them all of equal value?

[39:18]

No, he replied. but I would struggle against my thoughts so as not to take the gold." The old man said to him, see, avarice still lives in you, though it is controlled. And then Abba Abraham continued, suppose you learn of that two brothers, that there are two brothers, one loves you while the other hates you and speaks evil of you. If they come to see you, will you receive them both with the same love? no," he replied, but I was struggled against my thoughts so as to be as kind towards the one who hates me as towards the one who loves me. Abba Abraham said to him, so then, the passions continue to live. It is simply that they are controlled by the saints. I think that's a very simple story, but I think it illustrates, at least I think, what the reality is. Karl Rahner, in an article on obedience, touches upon this same experience of questioning one's motivation.

[40:24]

After explaining in great detail the nature of obedience, Rahner makes the observation, as a religious grows older, He asks himself, with a deep and secret anxiety, whether he has done anything in his life which can stand judgment in God's sight. This is Rana now. Has he ever done anything that can stand judgment in God's sight? And that's not unlike what we saw yesterday with Malon. He's a little younger, but. The reason, this is Rana's thoughts, I mean, the paraphrase obviously, the reason the religious can even ask the question, Rana says, is because he knows from faith experience that there are deeds of selfless devotion, deeds of obedience to God's holy will, deeds of self-forgetting dedication. from faith experience, you know that those things do exist.

[41:29]

That's why he can ask the question. Yet, as Rahner continues, we always discover in ourselves, there's a quote now, because I wouldn't use this word myself, he says, we always discover in ourselves, if we are not stupid, naive, or conceited, things which make us afraid that there is nothing in us but open or disguised egotism." End of quote. That's strong. That's pretty strong from someone like Reiner, I think. And then, somewhat like Father Faber, he asks, was there ever a moment when we did not seek ourselves, when success was not really the fruit of egotism, when our love of God was not in reality anxiety, when patient prudence was not really faint-heartedness. As bold as the questions may appear, the answer he gives, as is true, I think, with most faith responses, is extremely simple and humble.

[42:34]

One might say it even resembles Descartes' statement, a good God wouldn't let me be deceived. Rahner answers in this way, God's mercy takes place in different ways, giving us the right, I love that, giving us the right to hope that not everything in our life was open or covert self-seeking. And then he goes on to show how obedience assists one in encountering God and his will and in avoiding self-deception. I think, to me, obedience assists one in encountering God. I think that's the important thing to me. Assists one in encountering God and his will and in avoiding self-deception. In obedience, God will make demands on us when we do not desire to be constrained. I don't think there's anyone that hasn't experienced that.

[43:37]

Obedience makes demands on us when we wouldn't like to have it. He will call us to act even when we do not wish it. He will cause us suffering when we ourselves would rather avoid it. But this only happens when God, to whom we dedicate ourselves, becomes a tangible force whose word of command is directed toward us and we obey. That's pretty powerful, huh? It only happens when God's word becomes a tangible force whose word of command is directed toward us and we obey. This means to obey silently to submit to a demand we have not ourselves invented. And then Rana concludes with the powerful observation that the whole of religious life, grounded in obedience, is nothing more than a rehearsal for death, a rehearsal to say yes when the Father says,

[44:51]

a rehearsal to die the death which overshadows every minute of life and more and more detaches us from ourselves. For the religious, it seems to me, obedience is a participation in the death of Christ, or should we say, a participation in the life of Christ. in his radical self-giving yes to the Father and his selfless love for us, his brothers and sisters. I think you reflect on Christ's obedience response, it's twofold, isn't it? It expresses his deep commitment to his Father and his deep love for us. And that seems to me is what is behind it. Now, perhaps all of this is only a reminder to us that whenever we attempt to reflect on obedience, we are reflecting on a mystery. And I think that is very, very true. And I think to remove the mystery aspect from obedience is to distort it and destroy it.

[45:59]

And no matter what our insight, we will end up exclaiming with St. Teresa, Though my will is not free from self-interest, still, O Lord, I give it to you freely. In other words, I give you what I've got. I give you where I am at this moment, and I can't give you more than that. Knowing, as the great doctor has taught us, that the great sign of our overcoming self-deception and growing in love and obedience is our ability to bear crosses, whether great or small, The great sign of our overcoming self-deception and growing in love and obedience is our ability to bear crosses, whether great or small. Now, what I've noticed, just yesterday I went to your bookstore. I must confess, I was looking for something kind of light to kind of read. I know very little about Padre Pio, and I must confess, I had never been greatly attracted.

[47:05]

That's not, shouldn't be in the tape, but it is. But I saw a little book, and I said, well, I'll just take that and just skim through it. And this little book, in his letters to people who were suffering different things, he reminded me very much of Mother Teresa of Calcutta. Remember Mother Teresa of Calcutta? When people were suffering, she would say to them, God, Jesus must love you very much because he's letting you share in his cross. And I found almost the same, not the word, but the same thing in Padre Pio's letter to people who were suffering a great thing, that it was almost like what you said the other day from the fathers there about trials or temptations like that, and that this is all part of what it means, and that it's a sign of, and what Augustine spoke of, you know, the victory, you can't have the victory if you haven't engaged in the battle. So, if you truly desire to live the Christ life, try as, this is Teresa speaking now, try as she says, not to let the prayers you make to so great a Lord be words of mere politeness, but, she adds, brace yourselves to suffer what his majesty desires.

[48:24]

Brace yourself to suffer what his majesty deserves. It's what we were talking about yesterday. We were talking about, you know, bear one another's burdens just for the love of Christ. You know, if you really take that serious, then brace yourself for what he's going to ask of you. Now, as Rahner reminds us, religious obedience assists us in encountering God and his will and in avoiding self-deception. This happens when the individual in faith allows God to become a tangible force in his life. That is, when God's words of command spoken in the here and now to the religious, to the superior, or conference, remember Benedict, huh? The obedience by which we go to God is especially the obedience we render to one another. So it's when we allow this reality to become something we experience, we feel in our lives, when we discern this and respond to it, this is one of those statements reminding us of the ever-closeness of our God, which sounds so great in theory, and yet, like life itself, can be so complicated

[49:47]

when one tries to apply it to the practical everyday order. And yet, only the man who truly attempts to live out his convictions will enter into and share what Paul speaks of, the folly of the mystery that has been revealed in Christ. There was a passage in St. Teresa that is helpful, I think, in reflecting on the practical implications of obedience. And speaking of obedience as a means of finding God, Teresa states that we are never absolute masters of our own will, so as to employ it purely and simply for God, until it is completely out of control of reason. And yet, she says, in one of her typical paradoxical statements, the will can never be brought into the service of God without much reason. Why? Because our nature and self-love are such that they never give up trying to protect their own interests.

[50:54]

If anybody is human at all, I think we all know the whole notion of rationalization. I think we've all experienced that many times, and how easy it is to rationalize our way in or out. Benedict speaks of the monks who, what they like they call good, what they don't like they call bad. We do that. So very often, in fact, our self-love will make that which is most reasonable, Teresa says, if we have no liking for it, appear as foolishness, because we have no inclination to do it. She sees obedience as one of the greatest means we have of exercising our choices in such a way that God becomes, in fact, the primary object of our search and our love. It's very interesting to note the context in which Teresa makes these observations regarding obedience as a means of encounter with union with God.

[51:58]

Here is what you might call a contemplative among contemplatives recalling a period in her life when she was greatly distressed because of the great demands placed on her time. In addition, she felt sorry for others who, because of obedience, were in a similar situation. And she began to think within herself, and even said as much to others, that spiritual growth was not possible amidst so much hurry and confusion. As she reflects on this period of her life, you know, years later, she breaks into prayer, and this is what she says, How different, how different are your ways from what we imagine them to be. For if we be determined to love you, you ask nothing of us but obedience, which is sure knowledge of what is for your honor, O God, and the desire to do it.

[53:03]

When we embrace your will and obedience, We need not seek out other means, for we are already yours. You, O Lord, have taken upon yourself to guide us in the way most beneficial for us." And I love this line. And even if, and even if the superiors thinks, the superior thinks only of the work that needs to be done, and so is not mindful of our good, you, O my God, are mindful. And if we faithfully observe for the love of you the commands laid upon us, you so order things, that without our knowing how, we find ourselves spiritually growing and making great progress, which afterwards fills us with wonder."

[54:06]

I think that to me, I think that's a great insight into the mystery of obedience and the mystery of our trying to become one with Christ in the total offering of ourselves. And then after having brought forth several examples to illustrate her teaching, she exclaims as she is wont to do, Be not discouraged, for if obedience employs you in outward things, know that even if you are in the kitchen, our Lord moves amidst the pots and pans, helping us both within and without." And then becoming a little more serious, she concludes, "'I believe myself that when Satan sees there is no road that leads more quickly to union with God than this of obedience, he suggests many difficulties under the color of some good, and makes it distasteful.

[55:11]

Let each look well into what I say, and he will see that I am telling the truth." Now certainly, this is not meant to be a plea for more hurry and confusion. But it is a plea for our greater awareness of the nearness indeed of the presence of Him whom our heart seeks and the means that is ours for finding Him." I think that's pretty clear to me in the rule. What do you look for when the guy knocks on the door? Does he truly seek God? How does he seek Him? Is he serious of the Ethiopians' day? Is he serious about obedience? Is he serious about appropriate? Now, what are some of the insights that Teresa gives us? I suppose you might list them in this way. First, we are always capable of self-deception, and obedience is one of the greatest means we have of overcoming this self-deception in our search for God.

[56:17]

Secondly, growth in the life of the Spirit is gradual. Thirdly, often the religious is going to be tempted to think that the demands of obedience are working contrary to the whole purpose of the religious life. Fourthly, obedience is one of the means to know what God is asking and thus an opportunity to give practical expression to the union of our will with the Lord's." That's what we try to do every day at Mass, isn't it? Fifthly, despite the limitations of the superior, despite the limitations of the superior, God in His fatherly care, faithful to the covenant made at profession, will bring us to that union for which we seek, provided we bring the right motivations to the demands placed upon us." Note that Teresa is saying nothing about any kind of material success.

[57:25]

She is talking about attaining the end for which we enter the monastic life, namely union with the Lord. Sixthly, the recognition of the ever-living and saving presence of the Lord in the concrete situation in which we find ourselves precisely because of obedience. I mean, I can't stress that too much. I tend to over-get. I think one of our greatest shortcomings is forgetfulness. of the reality, the presence, and the closeness of our Lord and what we have experienced through His grace. And we forget it. Seventhly, she mentions the many difficulties or temptations that we must expect to experience as we walk the way that leads to the Father. And lastly, an appeal to conscience.

[58:28]

Reflect. Reflect on what I say, and you will see that I am telling you the truth. I think that's a mouthful. Now, there is not one of us who did not search his motivations most carefully before entering the monastery. We read one day in Scripture, or we heard Christ give us in prayer the counsel to leave all things and follow Him. And why did we consent? Precisely, to gain the pearl of great price, which is none other than God Himself. And where do we find this pearl? While on pilgrimage, we find it in the obedience of faith. And one aspect of this for the monk is in responding to the demands that come his way from the superior. And again, what I mentioned earlier, the obedience we render to one another is especially the way that we go to God.

[59:32]

In the course of our monastic life, God has and will continue to permit the superior to ask things of us that appear like much hurrying and confusion, that seem to be unreasonable or not prudent or less good than those we could imagine. God will thus give us the opportunity of rendering to Him the obedience of faith in our life and in the covenant, of obedience of faith, and of renewing the traditio, in other words, renewing that handing over which we made to him on the day of profession. This virtue, which leads us to union with God here and now, and provides us for the final act of handing over at the end of life, is never acquired except by acts. It's like Augustine speaking of the victory. You never attain the victory if you don't get involved in the battle.

[60:35]

To the degree we advance in maturity of mind or are inclined to take on great initiative, we come to realize ever more clearly the truth of those words of Benedict which remind us that obedience can become very hard. In fact, In the fourth degree of humility, Benedict speaks of hard and contrary things, even injuries, which might befall us in the course of obedience as they befell Christ. Now, I think it's safe to say that for Benedict and Teresa, what is important in obedience is less the material work to be done than the motive from which we embrace what is asked. For them, it seems to me, everything is measured by the obedience and love that inspires the response, not the success or failure of the task undertaken.

[61:40]

This indeed is difficult to understand until we are willing to reflect on the foolishness of the way in which we have been redeemed. It only makes sense in that light. Now, Metz put it this way. The cross is the sign that one man remained true to his humanity. that he accepted it in full obedience. The cross is the sign that one man remained true to his humanity, that he accepted it in full obedience. And I think that deserves a lot of reflection. What does it mean to remain true to your humanity? You don't live in isolation. You're not in charge of everything. You're not God.

[62:42]

You deal with other people. Some have authority that God has shared, and some don't. And what does it mean? And yet, can you really remain true to humanity and not encounter the cross? With Him, we are united with Christ And in his spirit, we too will accept our humanity and we will let God be God. Thank you, kind sirs. The foolishness? I just saw it. The foolishness of the cross, huh?

[63:47]

I think that's what it means. You know, I told you this before, but the older I get, the more simple things are. Maybe more demanding, but they're simple. They're not complicated. And I think our great tendency, and I think part of it, is trying to protect ourselves, you know, with rationalization. I'll tell you one story, a personal story. When I was, I was prior of the Abbey, they called it during a difficult period of time, I developed what was called sarcoid. Now, sarcoid is an information, I believe, of the lymph gland, the gland, your gland. And at that time, they did not know it. Still now, they did not know the cause.

[64:50]

They seemed to think, had nothing to do with climate change, and they seemed to think it was no more out, I think, in Wisconsin. I don't know. That's beside the point. Anyway, it was conditioned. And I didn't know what it was, and I had a cold. I couldn't get my mouth up top and stuff. It was like a TB, that's on the opposite. So I was in the hospital, and they did a biopsy of me. I was kind of a little bloody inactive. That's how they finally decided what I had. So they wanted me to go to the feet of Ben Brigham, which in Massachusetts, that was the hospital in those days. I was way there. So I went. And but I went on the condition. I was not going to stay. I'd go if they wanted to see me as an outpatient, but I was not going back in the hospital. And so that was, you know, you could call that, sort of call it, so you will. But anyway, so that was the condition. So I went. And to make a long story short, what I discovered was, he said, did you ever test? Remember in the old days, you used to do these little tests for TB?

[65:51]

Did you ever test positive for TB? I said I did as a kid. But I said I was always thinking because I would try to dry it. I was rolling on it. Well, they took x-rays. There was nothing there. He said, if I test you now for TB, you're going to come out negative. And he said, one of the treatments they give for what you had with the plasmoma was the cortisol. I know that. And he said, but to give you the cortisone, what I fear is it might over-compensate too much. And what it might act to, because everybody has that with any different types of germs within them. And it might cause an imbalance and cause the TB or something like that. So he recommended rest, go strained, all that type of stuff. So I came back, and I said to the abbot, You know, the doctor, he thinks I should, well, I thought I really think, you know, that I should sit down higher.

[66:53]

And so he listened. He said, all right. So finally, one day, he said to me, and this is the way the abbot worked, he said, OK, I said, OK, all right, you sit down. So I sat down. He wanted to, me, because I did the type test, to work, put the memo on the board that I was designing. Then he said, no, monks don't resign. So we changed that. So finally he had it the way that he could accept it, you know. And he said, now when you get that tied, you put that on my desk. Why don't you put it on the board? I'll put it on the board. I'm ready. Now he was going to Rome. He was celebrating the 25th anniversary of ordination. And there was an avid convert. And so me and my mother-in-law, who was the father-in-law of the family, they were going to go on a little holiday in Ireland. We were both going to Ireland, because we were going to Ireland for a while. And then they were going on to the thing.

[67:55]

And so this was left in an orchid. We were leaving an orchid. We were literally drafted to October. They called me in. We said, I've decided that I am not putting it on the board now. because I'm going away wouldn't be fair to a new crier or to the community and so I will stay on as crier until I return and I'm not saying I'm going to make a change in the region. Okay? Now, you know, being human, like human being Zara, I went for a walk, you know? And over to my mammoth, who the hell cares? whether I live or whether I die. And it was a grace moment for me. I'm convinced of that. But it was tingle as all gather. For me to really get back to what I considered to be basic, and I didn't have Teresa in my mind at the time,

[69:06]

But these things have confirmed me in my old age. But I mean, the hard things, I haven't asked for them. And it is a very tangible way to encounter the Lord and tangibly to make that traditio, to make that, to hand ourselves over as best we can, even though we may be free and have mixed motivation, we do the best we can with what we've got. And so these things I'm saying to you, I don't think they sound like fear. They're not fear for me. They are things that make us what we're trying to become. So I do share that. The disease took care of itself. The disease took care of itself. And I stayed on as a prior until I went in as a prior at 63.

[70:11]

And I stayed on until, quote, 71. In 71, he called me up and called me. Now, during all those years, 63 to 72, all my direction is going in the monastery. I'm the prior. I'm the abbot's master. So that's all my energy there, OK? He calls me in. May or June, doesn't matter. And he said, I want you to know that through July, you are going in as academic dean. This is a difficult time in the college as well. Academic dean is elected by the college. And I had been acting dean right after graduate school. So I said, so I told my interviewer, I kind of was anxious that I would be the inquirer, but I wasn't quite anxious to get in as the academic dean. So I said, Father Abbott, you know, and he wasn't well at that time.

[71:14]

I said, you know, I mean, I'll do whatever you want, but is this the best thing for you at this time? Is this the best thing for the college? So we finished our retreat, and the dean, academic dean said to me, now why don't we go over to the college, and I'll show you, you know, what's going on. So I go over, and he's one of these people, mathematician, tremendously ordinary. Everything in a particle, tutu. So he goes down, he goes through a whole year, you know, 15 minutes. And so I go home, I come back to the market, and I go to bed. And you're in bed, and you're tossing and turning. What did you come into now? What's going on here? And then what was amazing when I got back in the office, I wasn't there any time when it dawned on me, my God, things haven't changed that much since I was in here in 1958.

[72:18]

In other words, you see everything at once. It's like you're going to have a talk today, and a month from now, and two months from now. You're giving all these things at once. You think you've got them all today. There's no qualms here. And it's just amazing. And you guys, we've got one more thing. I consider this problem, I really do. I consider, I am not, I'm an imaginative person. I'm not the rightist in drawing. I'm not that kind of person. But drawing was very good for me. It was unbelievable. And then in the dean's office, it was a very difficult period in the school. And this is when Catholic identity schools were going down. It's when liberal arts was going down. And then you put vocationalism in the colleges. Everything was a choice. And this student came in to see me. editor of the student press, he said, what would you have done last year had you been Dean when the Cambodia crisis came? When the Cambodia crisis came in the colleges, many ended up sending their kids home without exams.

[73:26]

They just came to find that there was too much confusion, huh? They gave them whatever marks they had. They gave them, what would you have done? Would you have let the students go home, or would you have made them stay and take exams? And I said, you guys are just as crazy as, whoa, the guy in the print section, local newspaper. I said, you give me, I said, I can give you an answer. I'm going to come out smelling like a rose. But I said, so who's in charge? I wasn't a dean at the time. I don't know what I would have done. You should ask me, what's my vision for this institution? As I could make dean, as if I knew. Sorry, he said, oh, yeah. I said, I'll tell you what. You give me a little time. I'll put together some questions for you and some answers. You want to publish them? Fine. If you don't, that's fine. I put together a whole thing on identity, a Catholic card, what a Catholic card was all about, what it meant, what the makeup of the body had to do, all that. And I put it together. He printed it. The next day, the president of the Republican Senate came to see me.

[74:29]

You know, the Republican Senate, they accept me. I told them, why is that? Because from your interview, it's very clear that you had your choice. You would fire Barbara Stahl. Barbara Stahl was a professor in biology, anatomy really, excellent teacher, but a Jewish lady. And I said, you can go back, you can go back and tell the faculty that they read just like the students do. If they sat down and really read what I said, they would find that is by no means the conclusion. And that's how I started out. But I mean, it is amazing, I think, if you try to take things and try to trust in the reality of God that we're not here of our own choosing. When we get a hand in calling us, we never could have done it. And we couldn't persevere without it. And so in trusting in, you know, remember that in Possibilia, one of the great, in that chapter in Possibilia, you have the three theological virtues.

[75:34]

In that little chapter, huh? What happens when the abbot asks you to do something that's beyond you? And when you stop and think of that, when you think of modern religious and the blind or beads, all type of stuff, I mean, what do you do? What does it benefit to? You choose the right moment, another moment that the abbots can be able to hear you, huh? And you sit down and you let him know what's on your heart and why this is beyond you. Now, if you have the right to do that, he has the duty to listen. That's what it's all about. And he has, just as you're making known to him what you think, in your best insight, is what God is saying to you, so too he has the duty to discern whether or not it is the Spirit that is difficult, whether you need some more encouragement. And then Benedict says, if the abbot insists, after all that exchange that's taken place, if the abbot insists, then let the monk respond

[76:41]

Ex caritate, trusting in the auditorium dei. And there is your faith, your charity, and your hope, all right in that little, in that just a magnificent little thing. That's what you're exercising. And that means when you're exercising those virtues, you're exercising divine life. Well, no, what you said, really, this is what the heck of it is. Well, we do things. We've got about six or seven motivations. And we're really aware of the one. And anybody question anything we do, I'm sure of my one motivation. Oh, so we deny all? Oh, yeah. Oh, so? Well, I mean. And it's all operated in various ways. And what's so clever about this, then, is we can always see it in the other. When someone objects to something that I want, we can see the motivations.

[77:53]

When I was, I've already told you this before, but when I was on a call, we visioned. I tried to talk him out of it. We talked him about two people Sunday, and finally on Friday, The nuncio said to me, in the adjunctive, the Holy Father is the Abba of Bacchus. And then they wanted to push the right button for me. And what it says, it put me on a guilt trip, because I just had fevers. How can I believe so firmly in the sacramentality of the Aztec life? You know, hard things I have to ask them. Me as a monk, I ask hard things of the monks. How can I believe in that? And second, I was an atheist. And now something's asked of me that I don't want. How can I say no to that if it's really God that I'm seeking? And this is, you know, how do I go? Could I stay as abbot if I said no to that?

[78:56]

I mean, that's how basic it was. Maybe some psychologist, psychiatrist would say that. But I mean, I don't think so. I think it's of the Lord. Peace. I think that counts as two conferences. Oh my god, I didn't comment then today. While we're here, maybe just have a brief word reading.

[79:23]

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