to with self, there's a self dimension, and there's an other dimension. And I'd like to talk about just these two parts. Before we do that, I'd like to share with you the research that has to do, just a brief comment about people who are successful. And I don't mean successful meaning earning lots of money. I'm meaning people who are able to be in relationship with other people in healthy ways. And they talked about, and this is a good thing to look at in ministry, when they did some research they said, you know, about 20% of people's success being able to be good managers or good doctors or good priests even, you know, good religious, about 20% of it has to do with the fact that they had some native intelligence. In other words, you've got to have some capacity intellectually. Makes sense, doesn't it? You've got to be able to read, learn, and do all that stuff. So about 20% of what we call a successful person.

[01:02]

Then it says about 20% more, maybe a little bit more in each of those, maybe 20 to 25% has to do with skills that they learn or how we teach them. So for example, if you're going to have a successful lawyer, he needs to learn the law. When we learned how to, you know... you know, use previous cases and be a lawyer. So we're talking about 25% of success, you know, being capable has to do with learning skills. Now if you notice, we're only up to about 50%. We're not quite there, 50%. Then the rest of the person's capacity to be in relationship with other people and be successful has to do with this, what we call emotional intelligence. Has to do with these set of things. And so what's happening is we have people who are very bright, extremely intelligent, and who are well-trained and can't function. Don't function well with other people. Why? Because they're lacking some of what we call this emotional intelligence.

[02:05]

So here's what this is saying. So what makes up, what constitutes emotional intelligence? And really what we're going to talk about is the self dimension and the other dimension. And so the first dimension we want to talk about is, and you'll see a repeat of some of the stuff we've been talking about. The first dimension of being emotionally intelligent is self-awareness. The first dimension is self-awareness. And again, it's on my side of the broken record because we have so much people going on who are not self-aware. We're walking around unconscious. And what I mean by this is is accurately knowing. Accurately knowing as much as possible who you are. It includes your feelings, your preferences, your ideas, your attitudes, your values. Knowing how it is with those aspects of yourself. And also sensing how others feel about you. and how they respond to you.

[03:07]

That's an interesting thing. You're knowing yourself, but you're also aware how others respond to you when you talk in certain ways, when you behave in certain ways. So in other words, you're able to be influenced by other people's responses. Now, that doesn't mean you want them to dictate who you are. But, you know, if you come in and you're really loud, you know what I mean, etc., and people are backing off, then you want to say, oh, maybe I'm a little too loud. You know, it's sort of monitoring yourself so that you might be a little quieter in that environment than you would maybe when you're outside with, you know, playing ball. You know what I mean? So it's a constant. It's not to be self-conscious. And one of the brothers raised an issue about, we don't want people, this is a very important word, self-awareness. You don't want people to be self-conscious. You know, then they're anxious all the time and worried. But it's a relaxed sense of self. But notice, it is knowing yourself, but knowing how people respond to you, how people relate to you. So you're paying attention to the other person as well. The second one has to do with self-confidence.

[04:12]

When we talk about self-awareness, we talk about self-consciousness. By the way, this is really your attitude towards your own self. And here what we're talking about is a basic belief in your own self and in your own goodness. You know, you're not... You're not struggling with the fact that you're not believing that you don't matter. And this really has such a spiritual component to it, because if we can get people to understand that God loves them, that really we don't have to earn anything, that we're so loved by God, this is one way people can grow in confidence. But it really is the self-confidence. And it includes, interestingly enough, self-confidence, includes some behaviors, like expressing what you think or feel, that you don't hide it. So if I say to you, what do you think? You can tell me what you think. You know, you're not going to hide that. I may not agree, and we may be having a difference of opinion here, but you're able to say what you think and feel. It's also, you take reasonable risks.

[05:20]

That is not an interesting thing. Reasonable risks. It doesn't mean you go crazy, you know. You take reasonable risks, you know. So in other words, you're not going to be comfortable. You're going to stretch yourself. So reasonable risks. And also, you have some goals in life. And they have to be your goals, you know what I mean? You're saying, I feel called to this, I feel called to this direction, and you begin to move towards making those goals a reality. Now, it doesn't mean we don't consult other people in those, you know. For the community, for example, we're consulting other people. You know, I can remember when I was thinking about going back to get my Ph.D., you know, I really felt it was the right time and it was a good thing and I had seen how much skill I had and that I was lacking in some of the skills, but it was a real battle with my community because I was studying for four years and all of that, all the finance, and then getting a scholarship, all of those kinds of things, to become part of it.

[06:21]

But it's important to have some goals and to be able to move towards them. And obviously the goals will change as we move toward them. We'll have different sets of things. So they can be little things or they can be a little bit bigger. Self-confidence includes all of those pieces. The third thing has to do with Self-control. Self-control. And what we need here is really, in a sense, is making good choices. And particularly when we deal with the stressors of life, with the tensions. You know, I don't know about you, but when life's flowing along and everything's fine, I can be the nicest, most pleasant person in the world. because everything is, you know, coasting along. Get some tension in here, get some stressors in here. And then what do we do? We get a little edge here, you know, we get a little more anxious, a little more, maybe a little flip, a little, you know, sarcastic sometimes. So this is to say that whether it's a peaceful time or a stressful time, how do I kind of maintain the person I want to be?

[07:28]

How do I maintain the gentle person, the hospitable person? How do I keep doing that amidst the tensions and stressors? Again, it doesn't mean we do it perfectly. Of course, we're going to have some, you know, ups and downs. But it's, you know, it's kind of having like a more steady state, no matter what's happening around us. That's the notion here. In addition, what we're talking about here is appropriate emotional expression. Appropriate emotional expression. And what that means is You're not flying off the handle one day, screaming and yelling, etc. And then the next day you're silent and withdrawn. But it's pretty much, there's a steadiness about it and you're expressive. And it doesn't mean you don't raise your voice. And it doesn't mean we don't, you know, mess up sometimes in here. But there's an appropriate emotional expression, you know. You're not up one minute and you're not highly rigid and controlled. And by the way, that's not uncommon, what happens. If you have a person who keeps it under wraps, and every once in a while it'll swing over here, it'll blow up, and then they don't like this either, so then they go back here.

[08:30]

So we have this, we have this yo-yo thing going on, or a pendulum swing. What this is trying to say is, can you live here? Can you live here in the middle where you're not extremely withdrawn, and tighten it all down, or exploding? Can you live in this area here? And that's the notion of self-control. The other thing that fits here is what we talked about with boundaries, flexible and fluid boundaries. So today I say, could you help me with this? And you say, sure, I'd be happy to. And then tomorrow I say, could you help me with this? You say, gee, Lynn, I really can't. You know, in fact, it's other things. Flexible and fluid boundaries. And it's not, again, you know, again, you see that nice flow. That's what self-control is. And so it's not this. but it's this kind of moving in a nice, in a theater way. Self, that's the self component of intelligence, emotional intelligence. So one of my questions would be, how are you doing on self-awareness? How are you doing on self-confidence?

[09:33]

And how are you doing on self-control? then which of those areas might be an area for you to focus a little bit more on as we think, you know, if you finish a day's work, a couple of days' work, and you say, we can't go back and be the same? Or do we hear an invitation to grow in these areas? Are those clear so far, what we mean by these? Okay, then let's look at the other component. And notice again, it's always about connection, so I have to look at not just me, but I have to look at you too. So the other component has three areas as well. The first one, is empathy. Remember we've been talking about that, the ability to walk in another person's shoes. The ability to see it as you see it. Then, you know, sometimes, I don't know about you, I'm in a conversation with people and I'll say, oh I know, I had a similar experience. You ever done that? Oh yeah, I know, I had a similar experience. That's not too empathic. Why? I'm putting myself into your situation. When really, what I need to do is to say, tell me about what it's like for you.

[10:38]

Tell me what it's like for you. Not what it would be like for me. Well, what's it like for you? So empathy is walking in the other person's shoes. And then remember last night I added this anticipatory, this is a new concept that I'm working with, anticipatory empathy, which means when I say something or interact with you, am I paying attention to how it might impact you before I even knew it? And that has to do a little bit with this self-awareness, you know. How are people responding? And might I change? Might I make a decision to say it differently because of who you are and how you might hear it? You get the notion here? It isn't, oh, I know that about you and I'll do it anyway. But I have a hunch that if I said it this way, you might not hear me, so let me try it another way. That's anticipating you. Isn't that a wonderful way of thinking about how we could be in relation, we anticipate having it.

[11:39]

Now this does not mean don't be yourself. We already talked about here, self-confidence. You need to be yourself, but we also need to pay attention to anticipate how other people are. And again, that's a delicate walk. That takes some skill, I think. The second one is an interesting expression. called motivation. Motivation. And this one is what we talk here. It really talks about taking initiative and having a positive outlook about being in a relationship and really kind of, you know, kind of connecting with people and being with them and working well with them. So it has these qualities, taking initiative, having a positive outlook, being creative, and inspiring others to do the same. So it sounds like a lot about you here, but it is.

[12:44]

You can't separate these out. So when we talk about motivation, it's being in relationship and it's inspiring others to be their best self as well. It takes an emotionally intelligent person who can be aware of, as it says here, their own initiative, positive outlook, committed, and inspiring other people to greatness. Really just saying, be who you can be. Let me do that very slightly. And then the final one is called social competency. A social competency. And this includes a capacity to engage with people in different conversations. For example, the skill of inquiry. inquiring. How is it with you? Can you help me with that? Could you talk a little bit more about what it's like for you? So it's the skill of inquiring is one of the behaviors. It's also the capacity to establish rapport and minimize conflict.

[13:51]

So again, those are skills. How do I connect with people? When I meet somebody for the first time, what would help them and me connect? How do we establish some kind of rapport? How do I deal with conflict? How do I not create conflict in the beginning? But when there is conflict, how do I deal with it? So again, it's this social conflict. And that's one of the big ones that we have to learn how to do, is to deal with conflict more adequately. Because conflict is norm. It's going to happen. We just need to deal with it more adequately. Here's another one that's very important. How to persuade and influence others. It doesn't say how to ram around the neck and show them that we believe in what we believe. But how do we persuade and influence? And we do want to do that. But we need to be more skillful in sharing ideas, sharing a dream that we have, and inviting other people to join us. So persuasion and influence, that's different from coercion. Persuade, influence, not coerce.

[14:54]

Very difficult. So those are skills that we need to get to help people to be, to persuade, to influence. And then I think the final one I would say here is being a person of integrity. being a person of integrity, that making decisions and have received decisions and behaviors that fit with who you say you are. You know, you don't say one thing and do nothing. So, that's an interesting set of things, isn't it? When you think about it, and again, I ask these things here. How are you with empathy? Really walk me through that. By the way, that requires, then, better listening. Better listening. Anticipatory empathy, how do you, before you say something, again, you don't want to be self-conscious or drive yourself crazy, but are we paying attention to whom we're interacting? What about motivation? And really about, you know, moving and helping people to be all that they can be.

[15:59]

And then the competencies, especially around conflict, anger management. It was interesting, not too long ago, I went to NOSERC, which is a region of fasts and clergy. They asked me to do a four-day workshop on anger. I said, are you kidding? Four days? And then I thought about it, and I thought, well, it's going to be interesting. So I did it. And it was one of the most powerful things I think I've done in recent years. And it became almost like a retreat environment. Literally, we had four full days. It wasn't four talks. It was four days. I mean, the planet is. But you know, anger is such a huge issue that we were able to kind of take it apart, that people were able to do their own reflection on their own journeys. And by the way, 150 people came. It was wonderful for me and for them, but it really was about getting more competent in understanding our own anger, understanding the source of the anger, and being able to deal with anger more effectively.

[17:07]

Because there's nothing wrong with anger, except we don't know how to deal with it. Get a look at, again, this is, we talk about being emotionally smart. That's what we're talking about. Well, what does it mean? It means these types of things. It just doesn't mean, you know, and of course, underneath all this, one of the big awarenesses here is knowing what your feelings are and how your feelings are trying to help you to be in a relationship. You're talking about this. Yeah, I think that athletes, a lot of them, a lot of people use sacred things instead of athletes. Uh-huh. They think that they're walking, The days are on. Instead of listening to them, they can walk in their shoes and say, oh yeah, I've done that. And they put the towel on the two fists of their neck. They're listening, that part of it. There's not a lot of difference. He seems to me to be one of the most important

[18:08]

Can you speak to the words? Empathy? Yeah. Well, I mean, if you think about it, whether it's amongst your own brothers or sisters, or with other people, somebody comes along who's out of it. that it's emotional, emotional is around the 12th, probably emotional. I can think of people, even in the present, you know, well, like you say, you tell a person, I'll say, yeah, I think he needs, he needs some help. Or is it better to just listen and somehow show them you're listening? If you can't listen, well, Or here the title says, you're sick. Well, nobody wants to be told they're sick. Especially someone who doesn't want to hear it. No, no, that's right. Really, one of the things to highlight is, in therapy, having been a trained therapist, one of the things that happens in therapy is somebody gets to listen to you for 50 minutes.

[19:18]

And it's profound what listening at that level can do. Now we also are trained to offer some other things and there's interventions and things that we do because we understand, hopefully we understand human persons and how to be helpful. But one of the most powerful, one of the, the two things that happen in therapy that really cause some of the greatest change are the relationships that's formed and the energetic listening that happens. Empathic listening that happens. I mean the research shows that the relationship itself changes people. And that empathic listening is an integral part of the relationship and really make a huge difference in people's lives. I have a relative who has a very Well, I don't know about you, but it's a very close relationship with me. Well, the reason he's talking about it, is like she said, I think it was, you gave an example where you considered the awful person that you used to call me a betrayer.

[20:24]

Now, three weeks later, you called me your saviour and judge. And she and I have now got a relationship. She's got problems in some sense. And I suggested that she might be the key, because the person that was having the problem, I met him on his level when he was having a problem. And the counselor put it on non-verbal levels and looked at me and I said yes. He was the only one who got it. Whereas the parents in the family didn't get it. I understand it's still going to get schooled. And actually told me it's a waste of time. Actually told me that was a waste of time. Why is self-confidence and social competency confused with arrogance?

[21:32]

How could it be? Well, it is. It often is. Well, it could be. And again, that's a good question. I'd have to look at it. I'd have to know in person. It might be how the self-confidence is portrayed. You know what I mean? Because... That'd be a good question. How is it that the person demonstrates or lets people know that they're confident? And you can do that in different ways. And if you do it in your face kind of thing, you know, if you're in people's face all the time, then they might not see it as confidence and they might see it as arrogance. So I think it's a question of being able to, because I think if you are self-confident, it kind of sits in you and you are able to, I think it fits probably with, self-confidence fits with these, has some of these other qualities to it.

[22:38]

in particular these, you know what I mean? Whereas if you're in people's face all the time, you know, or if you tell people that you have it all together, I would wonder if you do, you know what I mean? So I think that one of the things is, you know, I think as the person interacts with you, they don't need to tell you, they show you by their behavior. And they show you in a way also that they're not as much, I think, in your face and a little bit easier to kind of be reading where you're at, you know what I mean? So I think it has to do with, I think it's about themself, but they also recognize the other, and there's that nice balance going on. That's what I would say. So that's that reading and intimacy thing, because like when you say, on the infant level, when you used the example previously, on the previous talk before this, when you say you'll hug somebody, And just because you may, that might be your copper zone, you've got to recognize that it's not their copper zone. Exactly, exactly. And so therefore you could be coming out like gangbusters, you could be overwhelming them, etc., because that's not where they're at.

[23:44]

So it's always that reading you know, knowing where you are, kind of, and be plaintive where you are, you need to know and be okay with it, but also we're reading others because they may not be at the same place, and we can be overwhelming them. So it's, and it's always good at the beginning in particular to be a little more attentive, just a little bit, you know, kind of read until you get a sense of the person, and then as you get to know them a little better, you can be a little bit, you know, a little bit more expressive maybe. That's what I would say. It's a good question, you know, and it's really a learning to really, because a lot of times we don't have self-confidence and we need to grow at that, but then how do you put that in relationship with others? And again, it just highlights what we're talking about here. It's about me, but it's also about me and you. So we're always negotiating that. I think somebody that's arrogant, too, has all the answers. True. We're all set. That's true. You can't say much to them. You can't offer them feedback. They don't really learn well because they already know. I already know.

[24:44]

I mean, we meet. I already know that. So that's true. So having all the answers and having difficulty either receiving feedback or learning, you know, putting themselves in a learning mode. I think really one of the things that is best that we do is keep ourselves in that lifelong learning mode. None of us have it all together. We have great opportunities to learn from each other and from God's creation and from other people. How do we keep doing that? But a good listener usually won't get themselves in that position. I think in that self-confidence, there are three words that came to my mind. There's a self-esteem, that's part of it, but sometimes if the self-esteem is too inflated, it becomes pride. Then if pride is too inflated, it becomes arrogance. And it's all under the picture of self-confidence. Yeah, I think those are some other words that we use that make some sense to, you know, when is it, when are we, not being self-confident, but more, you know, boasting, prideful, and then does that lead to a more of an arrogant stance, right?

[25:59]

And humility plays. Yeah. And humility, though, which is interesting, you know, humility, because that's a big word in my congregation, because we're 17th century France, founded, you know, 1650. But what's humility, I think, is important is that we understand humility in the current terms, which is having one's feet on the ground. You know, it comes from the word humans. It doesn't mean self-effacing. It means being grounded, having one's feet on the ground, and really knowing who you are. And if we really know who we are, we know we don't have it all together, right? We know we don't have all the answers. So that kind of, it gives us a little more ease with people, because they don't have to defend everything. You know what I mean? We're just saying, oh, it's an issue. Oh, I never thought about that before. Or if somebody asks you something and you don't know the answer, you say, gee, I don't know. You know, it becomes, We're a little easier because we don't have to be perfect. Our feet are on the ground and we know who we are. So that's a nice, another nice word, but we need to understand the body in its real root sense. At least up here, our feet are on the ground, you know? I like the word that you didn't put down. It's exactly, it's not there.

[27:03]

Yeah, it's part of the social pattern. I like that. That's... Sure. Overlong legs. Well, we're at the magic hour, you know, at the end. I just want to thank you for the opportunity to come. I've lived in New York all my life, you know, I mean, I've heard about Monsey every time I had a chance to come, so it was really fun. The only thing that was anything that was a little hard to take was the rain. I didn't get to do any of those wonderful walks that you have listed. But thanks very much for the opportunity. I appreciate your you know, the give and take, the kind of the questions that came along the way. I hope this was helpful. I hope, you know, that this gives you just some other things to think about in your amongst the other things that you process with and that maybe some other day we'll meet again, you know, but. Again, thanks to Fr. Martin for the invitation, and thank you for the day, and that was nice for me. Thank you. Thank you, Sister, very much. So, please give us custom of blessing for others, especially coming back. I mean, I won't refuse.

[28:03]

So, would you like to speak even? Sure, I'd be great. Be safe, O servant, for those in you who are God, not to erloid your ways, and teach you in keeping of thy habits. Your rights are old, and you never have credit for them to you. The Lord is with you, and also with you. You are all humble, free lords, and your true servants. This is to live and not to commit a sin of tyranny. Let all the hazards of shrapnel ignite. Let her never be sheltered by the strength of your sovereignty. We ask this in praise of our Lord. It's always a little bit hard, and somebody gave me a drug to drive faster than you, or your knee just would fly. Thank goodness. I mean, I tend to have a lead foot, so that's a good thing. That's another good one. Thanks for reminding us.

[28:52]

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