I've been speaking about a situation of real choice. This comes up in many ways. Of course, as I've been speaking, situation in which we have some actual touch with the realities of our life. And this includes, if you'll forgive me for saying so, to those of you who wear down jackets, I apologize for bringing it up, but I think it's not very good at all to wear down in Zenda.

[01:09]

I think down bags are okay for sleep because during sleep, one of the aspects of sleep is that your metabolism changes and is very steady and rather quiet. So you can get quite cold when you're asleep. But when you're doing Zazen, your metabolism should be quite active. I don't know if metabolism is the right word, but your energy should be quite active. We're not made of plastic, you know, and so we do feel cold and hot, and you shouldn't isolate yourself from those things. I don't mean, again, that you should come to the zendo in a loincloth. It's not so funny.

[02:19]

At Nyoshinji, the zendo floor is tiled. and they have the monks with no cushion and no zabatan lift up your robes and sit bare-bottomed on cold tile till you can handle your body heat. For two hours at a stretch you sit. So it's not so funny. My own feeling that artificial... actually, about that kind of thing, is that artificial tests of strength are actually rather often, anyway, incapacitating, because they give us the memory of strength.

[03:30]

A weak person is often stronger than a strong person. It's often true that a person who's quite strong as a youth is quite weak in middle age. They have the memory. They get fat, you know. They try to overprotect themselves. They have the memory of being strong, but not the habit any longer of needing to meet some challenge. So, to create some artificial test of strength, like sitting on this cold floor, say, or in a loincloth, is not so realistic. I think that what we need is to be ready for whatever is present in the circumstances that are given to us, to try to adjust the circumstances, to make them tougher or softer. In the end, the result is not so good.

[04:37]

But down jackets are really only feasible with plastic. So really, you're dressing in plastic. And it doesn't breathe, and it's not so good for you. And it makes your zazen rather torpid. And it doesn't require much of you. And I think it comes, too, from a memory of what it's like to be cold. So you're rather imagined. Oh, what if it got really cold in the Zenda? I'd better wear my down jacket. We don't need to live in memories like that. And you just weaken yourself slowly that way.

[05:56]

I'm not talking just about down jackets, but that whole tendency. Another kind of example which I mentioned to someone recently is the way we try to isolate ourselves from the power of our feelings. You can't know your own power, your own strength, until you're in situations of real choice. Until you know what gives you strength, how to dress so that your clothes give you strength, etc. For example, if you're a man, and you meet a beautiful woman, or if you're a woman and you meet an extraordinary man, your first reaction may be, oh, they're not so beautiful.

[07:13]

Or, well, look who their friends are. Or, actually, she or he is rather dumb. you'll try to find some mistake or some error with them to protect yourself from them. Unable to realize we may be devastated, destroyed by this person if you left the power of your feelings there. So usually we go around with this critical attitude Anybody has to fight to get through to us. If they're intelligent, we want, oh, they're really not so intelligent. That really wasn't such a woody remark. That really, I understood that already. I knew that, you know.

[08:17]

We don't want to acknowledge other people. They might be better than us, you know. Oh, that would be terrible. But until you can acknowledge people as better than you and more beautiful than you and doing things with greater ease than you, you can't find your own power. You're always in a down vacuum. To acknowledge how deep our anger is, or how deep our desire is, or vulnerability, or attraction to somebody, or desire to be more intelligent, or more whatever, or how much we desire somebody's love, or someone's attention, or someone's

[09:33]

That kind of feeling we should be able to face. Sometimes it will happen to you, you know, you will forget yourself or you will be out of context and some sensation can take you over completely. and you're almost unable to deal with it in terms of past and future, your own past and future, your own karma, the situation's past and future, and you rush to get to familiar surroundings, emotionally or physically, where you can bring responsibility and normal consequences back into control. The kind of power I'm talking about, or strength, is you can know something in this moment completely, the depth of your anger, or the depth of your attraction, or fear, and yet still act in accord with your own past and future, and the situation's past and future.

[10:59]

Only in this way, too, can you know the depth of Buddhism, the degree to which Buddhism can change you, the real possibility that you can be Buddha. Otherwise, you'll always be chirping at Buddhism, won't you? Buddhism isn't good enough. Something's wrong with this practice. And only in this way, too, can you encounter the wisdom of your own mind, which will come up. But you'll say, this isn't true. I knew that already. But what's being asked is that you know it in a new way, which you're unable to recognize.

[12:24]

Let me talk now a little bit more about your consciousness. There's various and various ways to understand our consciousness and to experience ourselves, and Buddhism gives us many opportunities. which we will awaken to when we're ready, when we're ready to experience ourselves in a new way. But let me right now just point out three ways we identify, or four ways we identify ourselves. And those four ways have separate histories. The first way is, which you all must be quite... these ways you must be quite familiar with from doing zazen.

[13:53]

First way is, just as you see something, you have some immediate reaction. You're startled or you're angry or you're... to it, or you like it or dislike it, it's agreeable or disagreeable. Some immediate reaction, your first reaction I'm talking about. Second reaction is, oh, I don't like my first reaction, or I like my first reaction, or this is inappropriate for me to be so desirous. hungry, emotional or whatever. Anyway, the second reaction is rather critical, usually, or anyway, some kind of observation.

[15:01]

The third reaction is an observation of the observation. And all the rest are thirds. The fourth, which is an observation of the third, is really just a third. From then on, the successive observations are not much different. The third is characterized by it includes the first two. And if you call it a fourth, it includes Anyway, it's just more inclusive. It's neither the first nor the second. Now, if you become familiar with these three, you'll find each one has its own history. The first one, your first reaction, there is a person there based on your It's maybe rather childish or primitive person, actually, in many of us.

[16:13]

But some instinctual reaction feels like instinctual reaction to some perception, stimulation. we may react the way we have always reacted to such a thing, or the way our mother or father did something, or according to some childhood event. Anyway, that has its own history, which you can become aware of. And second, the observer. And he, this observer, has learned many things, psychology, philosophy, morality, and has more plans for the future and long-range ideas about what it wants to do.

[17:24]

And so, in light of these learning and plans, and fears, this is sometimes more crafty. I won't recognize this first one because in the long run it won't help me. I don't want to show. That's where you play your cards close to your chest. So this observer has its own history. It may be rather different from the first. It controls the first more, but it's weaker. The first is much harder to get rid of in zazen if our mind is stopping.

[18:32]

First is quite difficult to get rid of. Second is not so difficult. First is quite strong, and second, even though second controls the first, it's not as vital and immediate. And it will change over many years, and the first won't change so much. But second one may be in its weakness, not a result of its artificiality, but it's being undeveloped. It may be parts of our personality that we have not had time to develop because of our situation or traumatic life up until this time, or because of not being in situations of real choice. It may be the second which says, first may say, I enjoy zazen, second may say, I want to do zazen, I want to be more compassionate or something like that.

[19:45]

And actually compassionate side or joyful side may be more basic part of our nature than first, but it's undeveloped. So second observer and his or her history – I don't know if there's much his or her at this level – second's weakness and intellectuality may be because it's rather undeveloped, or not just seeds now. The basic quality of our being, the basic state of mind or being is joy, and everything else is some kind of disturbance of that, anger.

[20:53]

You know, our actual feeling is very intense, and usually we don't feel that intensity except in anger or desire. Everything else we qualify. But if you take away the qualifications, are experiences of some blissful, joyful state of being as intense as anger or desire. Knowing this is why, not so many people maybe, but knowing this is why it's not so difficult to do without objects of desire or desire. to be free from anger, because this joyful state of mind is more basic, more deep, continuous. So anger and

[21:53]

desire or maybe greedy joy or frustrated joy, something like that. And when we're possessive, when we're not satisfied with the quality of our being, when we're looking for something in the future, when this number two observer is planning for the future, I need such and such to protect myself, more down jackets, a bigger house, some reputation or some confirmation that I'm really intelligent or beautiful. It's better to pick intelligence because beauty disappears. Intelligence people will recognize when you're older. But anyway, we want to make ourselves intelligent or powerful.

[22:58]

And more, we don't actually want power, we want people to think we're powerful, which is really weird. Why we would give up real power for people thinking we're powerful. Maybe because if people think we're powerful, they won't challenge us. So we always have on our down jacket or our armor. no one will challenge us if they think we're powerful. So maybe we don't really want to be powerful, we just don't want to be bothered by people. Anyway, for some reason we become possessive of or hopeful for something.

[24:21]

And this possessive feeling distracts us from our joyful state of being, our joyful quality. And so we're looking to something in the future, to some outside. Actually, it's a projection of memory, is what it basically is. We want to possess... We won something. We won something in the past, it tasted very good, and we want to project it into the future. The future won't be the same, but we hope so. So we are possessive of some memory, and we don't realize, we don't remember for some stupid reason, inattentive, fearful reason. why that moment of good taste, something tasting good or something being joyful, came to us.

[25:22]

It didn't come because we projected a memory of it. It came at some unusual time or by chance or from a certain kind of effort. But we don't want to reproduce that effort anymore. So our possessive, greedy states of mind distracts us, fearful. Mostly it's actually not so much greed, but fear. Our fear won't let us just take comfort in the quality of our own being. Okay, so that's one and two. Three, it's more The history of three is rather short. You know, three... I don't know how I can... You all know what three is, but three has some life of its own.

[26:28]

It observes the first two, and it notices a wider scale, but it doesn't store the memory so much. But it's necessary, for instance, if you're reading. It's also the one that takes the most energy to maintain, if you're reading a book, say, or watching a movie. The first two don't really hold the whole movie or book or music together, but the third will hold the whole thing together. This third is rather wider. But if you're tired, you'll notice if you're reading, you can read the word and you can reflect on it, what it means, but somehow you can't hold the material together.

[27:33]

What was that last sentence? But later, when you're wide awake, you can hold it. That third one gives out first. But it's the third one which needs the energy for some kind of breakthrough. So although a wide, balanced, even state of mind has the aspects of effortlessness and equality, doesn't discriminate between one thing and another, rather effortless, At first, it requires a great deal of effort to get through these tendencies of the first two to circumscribe our experience. Once you get through it, isn't much effort required to live.

[28:38]

Your effort is always there as long as you're alive. But until then, it requires some effort. So practice is characterized at first by some zeal or diligence, vigilance, effort. I don't know what word in English to use. Just to be vigilant, to be there, having the third active all the time, takes a great deal of energy. Now, different Buddhist practices do different things with each of these three. If I give you a mantra to work with, the mantra works with number one. It takes the first level of perception and changes it into, There are various course mantras.

[29:51]

And working with a koan has this too, or when I tell you to take the first word that comes to you and repeat it, you are taking that first recognition and forcing the activities of your mind into it, or dropping number two and number three. And just... that first reaction is it. Or if you're working with Mu, [...] Mu. Aratachanachichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichichich feeling, some destructive feeling or some lustful feeling or some very joyful feeling.

[31:01]

It doesn't matter what comes up because your center of balance has changed to three and it doesn't make any difference. You can have your strength then, you know, so that if you meet some beautiful person or some powerful idea. You can act or not act with confidence from your own strength, from what's appropriate at that time. Speak or not speak, and speak from the fullness of our possibilities, not just from the first flush of fear or attraction. but what's really possible, not from the fantasy big screen level, but from what's really possible. This is more real intimacy with things and people, when you're not operating out of big screen, out of fantasy possibilities.

[32:09]

So that's one kind of purity. Another kind of purity is when the initial impulses that come up are always appropriate and can be acted on. This is more advanced me. They're very closely related. You no longer have negative thoughts come up. You no longer have destructive thoughts come up. Most of our practice is centered on doesn't make any difference what comes up. It's just a part of us. But once you've gone through that thoroughly, if you're able to sit through physical pain, for instance, that's very helpful, you can then... you then reach a stage where you don't have any need to... you're not in any way concerned with the future or the past, so there's no need to have destructive or frustrated thoughts.

[33:19]

So no more do negative or out of a chord, inharmonious impulses come up. Whatever comes up you can act on. So part of a mantra is to bring us into this level so our impulses, our being is there and we don't need an observer. How to act without an observer? Need, means that first reaction must be pure. giving up an observer, too. Our first impulse is usually pure. It's the observer and the history of the first one which cause the problem. Now, working with a koan is similar. A koan

[34:20]

comes to us through the second one. We read or we hear a story of Joshu or something, and our intellect and observer is involved. And you, by making it a constant stream of your attention, you bring two and one together. And finally, you exhaust all points of view on it. every point of view you can think of, every point of view in the story. Finally, you have no points of view left. The only point of view left is what the story is actually about, or why someone would ever make such a story. Why Joshu or Setso or somebody saved such a story. It must exist. How it exists, why it exists will suddenly become apparent when you have removed your observer and when you have exhausted all the possible ways of looking at it.

[35:41]

Suddenly it just becomes quite clear, of course. You see it suddenly from such a point of view. Or whoever. One of the, if we were to describe, more detached, free consciousness means at each moment you see things from the multitude of their points of view. you don't have an observer. So each moment has various pasts and future. This moment has the past and future of the rain and that stream, and the sun where it is just now, and our combined feelings.

[36:53]

And each, you know, maybe this is, but a cake of ice in the refrigerator downstairs and a soup in the kitchen have different paths and future. Today and tomorrow the history of the ice may be nearly the same and tomorrow the history of the soup will be rather different. So in each moment. Each thing has its own individual past and future, some of different kinds of past and future, changing or unchanging. Things, when they occur, without your having some past-future of your own involved which is just a single line, you know, more, we experience it that way.

[38:00]

But you see the multitudinous, the multitude of past and future converging at that moment. Just that. Then everything has its own freedom and play. Third, the third observer is more like Shikantaza, in which you just let everything come and go, until not much comes and goes anymore. It's very absorbing, it absorbs everything. Meditation may, best translation is perhaps absorption, not trance, but absorption.

[39:04]

Deepest samadhi is this kind of practice. But again, this incorporates all three, because these are just activities of the mind which can exist still without an observer. Now, I don't give you, very often, specific things to work on, and I can only talk about so much during a lecture, because if I say too much, I have the feeling I'm fooling you.

[40:25]

You don't know what I mean. don't feel so good because it's what may sound unusual, because it's not familiar to you, is not unusual to me, so it gives it some quality for you which it doesn't have for me, you know. It's nothing special, you know. But if I start talking about past and future and some intimate way of experiencing, it sounds strange maybe sometimes. So, and also you know it's difficult to... mostly our communication about practice is not exactly words. And so it's mostly it's up to you to try to realize

[41:31]

your situation and be able to manifest it, communicate it to me. And that ability to manifested or communicate your feeling or your practice as you're practicing is the maybe most essential way in which we get rid of the observer, actually. Where we get it outside our own personal history and make it something universal. And I don't give you specifically koans to work on, for example, but I mention them to you in various ways.

[42:47]

And you should find out what it means to work with this or that story. You can't take everything I mention or you read, but something. Maybe it's better to work on one thing at a time. decide, I will find out what this is, and I won't give up till I find out what this is. Or to try to realize your purity of your impulses, or to drop and observe. This kind of, various kinds of efforts are your own choice, your own practice.

[43:57]

And many things, A bhakti practice will only come up to you and for you and for me, for you, with you, only by that effort. They can't be written down or can't be mentioned, you know, because it's not in their nature to exist other than in that situation. A fourth way we identify ourselves is we do tend to identify with those three I mentioned. Sometimes we think the anger, first impulse person is us, sometimes we think the observer is us, and sometimes if you practice meditation you don't know who the third one is.

[45:10]

It's obviously only a part of you, so it can't be all of you. There's a fourth. We know our breathing is us, we think, or we know our heartbeat is us. But if you say, I am my breathing, that's actually a thought. Your breathing, as I've said, your breathing can't conceptualize itself. So a conception of yourself as breathing is to identify with a thought. So naturally you think you are your thoughts. It's very difficult to just have the sensation of breathing as us. You know, most of us don't have the sensation of being alive as us. It's something down there that breathes, you know, or that hurts in our stomach, or that pumps. very difficult to drop the observers and just have the sensation and know that sensation is us.

[46:23]

You know, we don't need to know it, but there is a lack of not knowing it, which we can call knowing it. Mostly we don't know it, but when we give up knowing it and don't knowing it, that's sensation. And that's also very close to the first thing, which is sensation before observation, before even the first observer. So the fourth is also a way to unify all three, all four, to find how you are just the sensation of breathing. The sensation of being alive is very satisfying, you know? Air in your lungs, heart beating, blood passing, little vibrations, some thing that reaches to the edge of your skin and beyond.

[47:33]

We lose it. It shrinks sometimes. But to know when it shrinks and when to weaken re-manifested as our mind shrinks, our mind within our mind shrinks, and you can bring it back into some brightness. This is a kind of craft or familiarity that you get. I thought of talking a little bit about breathing and pure sensation.

[48:45]

But maybe I'll leave that till tomorrow, because I'm talking too long, maybe. Do you have something you'd like to talk about? Yes. There's now one question. to relay to you the sequence of thoughts I had. Number one, would that be like, it could be a desire for some object or anger or something, but number one would be a desire for enlightenment, or I want to get to the bottom of this. Then number two would be some reflection on it, like whether you want to do it for yourself or you want to do it for others, Do you want to do it for yourself or for others? Do you want to do it for yourself or for others? And then number three would be... Oh, don't worry about that. Just take care of itself.

[49:50]

Number one is like joy, and number two is... Who's the joy for? And number three is... Don't worry. Is that it? No? That's pretty good. Could you hear? No. You can usually hear David up China Camp. Actually, you can shift. Maybe the desire for enlightenment is number two and your anger is number one. And, but then you can eventually, maybe your first reaction is to anything. Ah, desire for enlightenment! That's very good. You can bounce them, you know, from one to the other.

[50:53]

Shift them, you know. And there's different strength and energy in the different, whether it's your first reaction or observer reaction of the first reaction. There's different strength there. And you don't have to be scared of yourself. I talked with several of you about this. And psychological literature reinforces it. We tend to believe there's a magic to our personality, which we have to tread with great care in there. That if we interfere with some anger, that anger is going to smash us. and come back tomorrow in some horrible form because we dared to repress it or something. It's true, repressing it isn't so helpful, but... And many of us give symbolic meaning to our actions. How we dress, what we say,

[52:00]

how we stand, how we walk, what kind of thoughts we have. It's all that shades into real unreality and out of touch. It doesn't make any difference. It only has some practical meaning in each situation. So we can be rather experimental. We can stop this, try it there. We don't have to be so afraid of our... If we do this, it'll lead to that. Well, let's try it and not have it lead to that.

[53:04]

That kind of... It doesn't have to. It's all you. It's all you. There isn't some great bulldozer machine in there. all clanked up, and once you push the button it clanks on and there's nothing you can do about it, and it's going to grind you to pieces, you know, if you get out from underneath it. It's just you, you can say, disappear clanks, and they will all disappear, you know, when you have sufficient power. All psychological problems, but at least until at least you can start out tentatively, you know, saying, go away, clank. Or, you know, trying, experimenting with these various parts of your nature, which are just you, just you. And as you get more familiar with the various levels,

[54:07]

of observer and control, you won't be so afraid of being controlled by yourself. And you don't then have to control yourself, but just can participate in what you are, with some experimentation, until what you are is not reflective. But just one thing... When Zuckerberg used to say, just do one thing at a time, He means, in the fullest sense, to be able to have your full consciousness, mind and body, without any other distracting thoughts on something. And mostly we can't do it. You can have a brief sensation of it. If you look at something and stop your breathing at top or bottom or middle of a breath and hold your mind on it, You can have some sense of having no thoughts, but as soon as you start breathing again, your mind will become distracted.

[55:11]

But to be able to have that kind of concentration without any object, like a juggler, just is not looking at any ball, but he's certainly concentrated. Not concentration on something, that kind of concentration, whether you're breathing or whether you're in some kind of activity or whatever, it's tentatively called samadhi. With any notice that I keep you saying, go away, right? We're using one part, maybe the same part of the phone call. And it somehow creates awareness. If you have a, in the first level, a notice, and you are wonderful, and you, you, you,

[56:23]

Why is there some need? I know you can't hear. She asked a question which to try to answer for ourselves can be exceedingly difficult, though we know the answer, usually, unless we want to.

[57:32]

A very elliptical type of question, which is, it may... She said she can see that you can do this with the first observer or the second observer, etc., first reaction or first observer, etc. But why bother? make the transformation. If you can, if just as you are is completely okay, that's the transformation. You don't need any more practice. Do you understand that? Does that make sense? She said, if you're in a place where you don't have any conflict, then what is conflict?

[58:40]

So, going back to your first statement, you know, we can't... Since our mind is almost always, almost everyone's mind is divided against itself or within itself, There's no way for such a mind to perceive or to conceptualize why it shouldn't be. That perception itself is the nature of its division. So you have to, if you're approaching practice in this way, maybe you just have to trust the practice and your teacher and try it. It itself is the answer. There's no prior answer. What is this situation in which there's no conflict? There's always activity, but it doesn't have to be considered conflict, or it's always conflict, we can say, but we don't mind it.

[59:52]

Actually, there's no relief from conflict. There's no such thing as a place where there's no conflict. There isn't any such place, unless you're plastic, or unless you're dead. I don't know about them, either. So always, but eventually, when your energy is there and there's no shrinking of your consciousness, no shrinking of your self, without conflict, without that kind of... it's rather uninteresting. That's when you are in a situation of real choice and you know your own power. And you seek out situations which cause you conflict, rather satisfying. Actually, you look for conflict all the time, already, you know, that's why you're here.

[61:23]

You know, I mean, when you're in, what's our main social situation, when you're in high school, you don't tend to gravitate towards the people that you can manipulate. You gravitate towards your equals because there's some conflict. It's more interesting. Hopefully you do. Yeah, well, a very disturbed person is often a person you will see it because, for instance, when they're ten they're always playing with four-year-olds. They never relate to peer groups.

[62:30]

They always relate to older people or younger people. To avoid peer group confrontation, usually it's a sign of some neurotic or deeper disturbance. But we can still manipulate to our advantage the stimulation of conflict. Plastic boot. with a great shining eye.

[63:59]

And everything always went very smoothly. Buddha must have had some particular personality, and each of his disciples had some particular personality. Zukiroshi had some particular personality. And there's some problem, actually, you know, like Suzuki Yoshi. Everything was very smooth for Suzuki Yoshi, usually. And he didn't mind what occurred. He met it with some, oh, that's what, you know, whatever happened, oh, you know, that's all. But the problem with that kind of person is, for themselves, is that everyone is so relieved to be around such a person, you know, that you're only, that the Sukhya Krishna would only be surrounded by the best sides of everybody.

[65:17]

So you get rather up, everyone's smiling around you all the time, very nice to you, And you begin to think the world must be paradise. Is anybody out there suffering, you know? Because people's suffering disappears when they're with you. And that's quite common. Somebody would be terribly upset and they'd go to see Sri Krishna and you'd get there and he looks at you and you can't remember what it was all about. Doesn't seem important anymore. And we learn something about ourselves when there's conflict, you know? We don't want to think, well, I know everything, there's no more problems for me. If that's rather terrible thought, hopefully one wouldn't be thinking in that way, but it's some pleasure when some problem comes up, you know, for someone like Suzuki Yoshi, because, well, ah, here's something I can work on.

[66:23]

So Suzuki Yoshi created no ends of problems for himself. He accepted anybody for his disciple, and he took on any problem. I will change America, and then I will change Japan. He didn't mind how big the problem was. And he didn't care whether he was successful or not. Because we cared so much, he sometimes worried. It was interesting to see him. Somebody would come to see him sometimes with a big problem, and he'd put on a big face. You know, he'd listen. Listen to their big problem. Sometimes he couldn't really imagine why it was so big.

[67:29]

They would look sad. But when you face so many of your own problems and found how insignificant they are, you know, when you change your perspective, It's difficult to take such problems seriously, though you remember how difficult it seemed when it was hanging over your head. But that perspective gives people some feeling of freedom, some ability to return to sources. So sangha, if you are a member of the sangha, whatever situation you are in, job or school working somewhere with people. You should be able to return people to their source.

[68:30]

Yes? Well, if you can stop the clanking machine, you can begin to participate and act out your karma by yourself rather than being controlled by your karma. Someone over here. Yeah. Yeah, right. And that's what happens, yeah.

[70:00]

Yeah. Hopefully, anyway. They're just waiting, right? That's right. Then there's the audience. Well, so in your sasen, in sashin, you should stage big battles sometimes, you know? Stage battles between one, two, and three. Pick some topic that upsets you, and then you can say, go to it. Then you can get them to change sides. You can say, OK, now three. That's what we're doing in Sesshin, partly, isn't it? When we can see it that way, and not identify with it so much, but play with it.

[71:35]

We're a big playground, you know, actually. And the stakes are more play, maybe. But when you can do that, you, of course, give yourself some you get more and more familiar with them, until they lose their power to control you. And some calmer point of view can begin to be wider than the others. Isn't that so? Anyway, I'm just... Actually, what... I'm not describing everything, every aspect of our consciousness. I'm just giving some kind of outline.

[72:39]

Let's notice it in at least this much clarity and see what happens. It's sort of vague. Let's see that there's these three and that each has its own history and become familiar with at least that much. Anyway, that kind of play is helpful. You were going to say something else? No. What was it? Hard to actually locate them.

[73:48]

They do have separate histories. They do have separate histories, but they don't exist separately. They're just you. Yeah, I mean you, from your own observation, notice that your first reaction is a kind of different person than the observer reaction. And you can, but actually there's no difference, but they have a different history. And you can It can get completely complicated, you know, which is who or what is right. Okay. Someone else?

[74:50]

Yes? And it's a very potent word, a very popular word in my opinion. And I think, in general, I'm pretty much a believer in that. That's what I would do. But it's just, I find myself as an author of reactions that I shouldn't reassure because of my own experience. And it's the way it's used in magical health, as far as I understand it. Yeah. Well, The big should.

[76:17]

The big should. Should we practice? Should we be alive? Does it matter? What matters? That should we have to ask. At what level does something matter? Do we give it... You know, that word matter is pretty interesting. As you must know, matter means mother, and probably its most basic meaning is baby talk, mama. And matter may be a better translation of form than form, of rupa. But it has some problems, like, matter is emptiness, emptiness is matter, all things which matter are emptiness. All things which are emptiness matter. I mean, you have some problem there.

[77:33]

But matter also means matrix. But it is an interesting word because it has ... matter both means foreground and background. It means the something out of the matrix out of which something, or the form out of which something appears, and it also means it itself, the matter itself, or the essence, the matter of it. So matter is maybe pretty close to the five skandhas, because it has the sequence from form to does it matter. So at what point does this world matter to us? At what point does our life matter to us? It's an actual decision. We are consciously or unconsciously making all the time. To negatively make it is even to say it matters beyond our own being given the life that we have. But to play with that is also part of something you do in practice or just being alive. At what point do you say, does it matter?

[78:37]

Does it matter to do zazen? Should we do zazen? Does it matter what we think? Does anything matter? I have ... Mama, you know, being baby talk. In the beginning there was the word. Maybe it's matter, mama. some basic matrix. So, you know, there's no way to escape from that question of, does it matter? How do we turn toward that which exists? Now, as for the use of should, we're here practicing together and there's only… the big should is your problem.

[79:44]

The small should is just a language problem. I think it's better if you do such and such with your eating goals if you're going to do it that way. So I say, maybe you should do it this way. But that's not the big should, that's whether you agree with me or not, or whether you accept my encouragement. If you don't want to accept Buddhism or my judgment or this particular practice here at Tassajar, that's your own choice. But should, well, it's just... If you accept something outside yourself, there's some shoulds involved, I think. But it's not the big should.

[80:51]

I mean, if you're doing carpentry, maybe you should hold the hammer a certain way when you're learning. You're going to drive the nail with one whack. But that's not a philosophical problem. Shall I stop? You're new. Is there an old hand? Is that, were you up before? Oh, okay. Hot. It will weaken you if you give up. If you try the best you can in the situation, even failing, that doesn't make any difference.

[81:57]

Failure doesn't weaken you, but giving up weakens you. If you try hard and fail, that's no problem. Isn't that so? And if we try hard and are never in a situation where we can fail, doesn't have any meaning. I just, you know, I don't mind going on but I worry about your legs. I think some of you don't hear anything. We have one, two, three, four, Four not recognized questions.

[83:05]

What are we going to do?

[83:08]

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