As you all know, this practice period is almost over, and we can barely chant together anymore. Anyway, it's pretty clear that we all feel something's dispersing. I'd like to thank you for this practice period. I don't think you know quite what I mean when I say that. Anyway, I can't practice Buddhism without you, so that's why I thank you.

[01:26]

So you don't lose confidence, maybe I should say. From one point of view, I know exactly what I'm doing, maybe. But from another point of view, I don't know anything. I don't know anything about what I'm doing. But we know together, maybe. I spent some years with Suzuki Roshi, and you spent some years with Suzuki Roshi. And it's not a matter of, well, you spent three years practicing Buddhism and you spent five years practicing Buddhism, but how we use Buddhism, how we let Buddhism come out. So this practice period, you let me practice in a way that was very good for me, anyway.

[02:59]

I noticed that somehow the schedule isn't being followed so well since Sashin, and the study period is about half empty to about the middle, things like that. Actually, I think that's kind of silly to not follow the schedule completely. The practice, or the situation you're going to have when you leave here, as you know, is more difficult to practice in than here. So there's no need to start right away. You might as well stay here until you leave.

[04:24]

And time is continuous, from one point of view, anyway. And there's no way to get to the interim except through this moment. You can't jump. So, I mean, you can sort of turn off and wait, but then it's kind of hard to turn back on when the time comes that you want to be on. So if you're doing service, you know, you can be sure eventually you'll be eating lunch, because service leads to study period, leads to lecture, leads to work, etc. And things change without your changing them.

[05:41]

And if the practice period is going to end and you feel like you can relax a little, that relaxation occurs even if you follow the schedule. If you say, oh, now I can relax a little and I'll skip the schedule or something. That's some very superficial kind of relaxation, which just creates some situation which then you want to rectify later. Of course, you have some real plans to make, you know,

[06:49]

but that shouldn't take more than a few minutes to think about. We have some, as Reb said yesterday, some home here, just where you are, some place to relax. So, one of the things Reb talked about yesterday, about what reading you get from things, my own example of the difficulty that are confusing is a simple one. People give me vitamin C pills.

[07:49]

And I've got nothing against vitamin C, by the way. Sometimes I even get convinced maybe it helps. But mostly I'm not too interested in changing my situation. So I take vitamin C pills with some reluctance if I take them. I have some feeling that if I eat three meals a day, that's enough. And it's more interesting to see what your own chemistry does than change your chemistry by adding something. Anyway, sometimes I add something. Also, when I take a pill, I don't drink any water with it. That also seems rather silly to me. Because you can eat things without water,

[08:56]

so why can't you swallow a pill without water? I never take water with pills. But my wife thinks I'm silly. The other way, she says, everyone takes water with pills. What kind of trip are you on? I sort of look down on her slightly as somebody who hasn't got control over herself. So then I feel bad, you know, because I sort of look down on her slightly for not being able to take pills without water. So immediately I lose the ability to take pills without water. And I take a pill... I need a glass of water immediately. I want to do it like she does it. Then sometimes I take a vitamin C pill,

[10:05]

and I can't seem to take it without water. And I sigh from my wife, I'm feeling guilty and all that. And... At first I think, well, maybe I'm in a bad state of mind and I can't control my throat. So I... I set my mind aright, you know. Don't take any water and swallow the pill. And I do that for a little while. Say a couple of days, you know, I take a vitamin C pill. And still... I'm having a little difficulty taking the pill without water. So then another idea dawns on me, that maybe my body is telling me I don't want the pill. That the vitamin C pill is rather disturbing to my system, you know.

[11:10]

And... That's the case sometimes. My body is saying, don't. The same is true with gargle. I find if I gargle because I have a cold, at some point it's too much and I can't do it. So there's three messages there. One is I'm... I'm... feeling badly because I was mean to my wife. The other is because... my state of mind is bad so I can't take the pill without... needing a little water to wash it down. And third, my body doesn't want the pill, so it coughs it back up. Which it is. Which message you're getting is not so easy to know. So if you're hitchhiking and no one stops, you know,

[12:17]

you can't tell what kind of vibes are coming out of your thumb. Thank you. I want to talk a little about... what we think we are. And... maybe I can start by saying... that... as you know... talk about being angry a little bit. As you know, when you... become angry...

[13:23]

for a while, everything that proceeds from that point at which you became angry is sort of angry. And... but even though we notice that, there's a kind of field, a kind of field of anger, still we... know that, but mostly maybe we react to the specific things the field produces. Do you understand what I mean? You said this, or you felt that, or... such and such a reason occurred to you while you were angry. While and why you were angry. And... so you try to react to those perceptions that occur during... the time you're angry, about the person you're angry with, or about yourself, or whatever it is. But you don't sort of...

[14:30]

fully see, usually, how much it's a field... and... that you generate. And the more you can look at it as a field, the more you can see the root of it. In one sense, the superficial, or surface root of it, what started the field? What got you producing the field? Why do you find cause to produce the field over such and such a minor incident every two days? That kind of thing. And then there's some other root to the field

[15:32]

you can look for, maybe your experience. But when you begin to see the surface cause of the field, what it is... and how you generate it, then you can watch it, the field. You can sort of be in the field, but... somehow seeing it as a field, and you can watch everything it produces, some kind of black-leaved plants, you know? Like flowers in a Doctor Strange comic book, isn't it? But you can also stop generating it. Then you can generate some other field

[16:39]

that's accessible to you, but also a field. All the fields you can generate aren't accessible to you, actually. So, you usually think of yourself, your body, as a kind of vehicle that carts you about to San Francisco, to Zazen. And you sit, you know, in this vehicle, sort of. And you more or less take care of your vehicle. But in Buddhism we don't think of this physical body, you know, as a vehicle. We think of it as a seal, or a receptacle.

[17:41]

Maybe Mahayana Buddhism is a vehicle, you know? Now, if I try to talk this way, don't try to figure out what I mean, please. Some of you already are using terms like I overhear conversations. Well, the pre-voice is a ten thousand things, such and such. You know, we can't use such terms like that. That's maybe some kind of hint, you know? Maybe it takes years to have some feeling for that, and even then you... it's some dialogue. You should use such an idea, but it's your own dialogue, not a dialogue with other people. It gives you some

[18:46]

artificial sense of understanding, and you should keep the whole question open. Anyway, the difficulty we have with, as I say over and over again from various points of view, we have in seeing ourselves is that we try to do it with our conscious and controllable thinking. And dreaming and imagination and such things are over there to create dreams and imaginary worlds or something. But actually, dreaming and imagination and everything you have is real. And

[19:53]

imagination is a way for us to perceive or sense those aspects of our life which are too subtle for our thinking. So when you give up... By the way, Nanao pointed out to me when I was in San Francisco that to give up by a kanji, the character that Dogen uses a lot, the old meaning of it means to make clear. Rather interesting, to give up and to make clear, akimeru. Anyway, when you give up,

[21:04]

you stop and stop trying to control what you perceive. And at first when you do that, it's sometimes a little scary because you spend so much time controlling what you perceive that what you haven't been able to control takes on kind of aberrant forms and rushes in as soon as you give up controlling. And they look like monsters. But anyway, they're old friends, actually. If you can be patient with them. So when you've given up and given up trying to think of trying to control your perception, you don't see people

[22:13]

the same way anymore. They don't look like a specific physical body, a kind of vehicle. They look much more like a kind of seal for a series of bodies which you have more or less ability to sustain. Sometimes it's an anger body. Sometimes it's a love body. Sometimes it's joy. Sometimes it's hatred. Sometimes it's blah. But anyway, they and some of you, they flash so fast, you know, I can't believe you know what's going on.

[23:16]

Anyway, you get until you can begin to experience yourself giving up, you know, you're caught by each successive thing, thinking it's real. And I don't mean, you know, when I say body, you see, there's no, you don't have to start looking around for an extra body or confuse yourself in any way or disturb your thinking in any way. It's just that there's no language for what I'm trying to say. So in practice,

[24:39]

we, again, Reb said yesterday about having your place. We talk about the Bodhi Mandala, meaning that every place you are is the center of a mandala. Any place you are, any moment you are, is where you have enlightenment. So the Bodhi Mandala. Anyone can enter this mandala through your practice, through your desire to enter. But we can't teach you until you can stay there. But since,

[25:41]

if you can stay there, you don't need to be taught, probably. Most teaching, maybe, is to encourage you to stay there. You know, Suzuki Roshi,

[27:00]

used to say, to see everything and feel everything as ourselves. And that's rather like a baby, supposedly does. It doesn't feel any different between itself and the world and its mother, if so. And the second part, he always said, was to take care of everything as ourselves, which is more like an adult, something a baby can't do. So maybe a baby can enter the Bodhi Mandala. But to stay there, to take care of everything as yourself, the practice of treating everything

[28:12]

as your own, you have to have some seal or ability to sustain and hold what happens to you. Again, this, go back to what we talked about before, this is the meaning of initiation or vows. So until you can keep vows, you know, we say we can't teach you. I mean, you're free to come and go. But the ability to stay, to stay. Your feelings are

[29:32]

in some ways your strength. And it doesn't make any difference whether your feelings are strong feelings or weak feelings from the point of view of emptiness. Sometimes we think, well, I shouldn't have such strong feelings because I'm practicing Buddhism and I should be turned off or blown out. But if there's some form, the form should be there. If you have some field, it should be there. So our practice is to to know what kind of a seal we are, how to hold our experience of emptiness in our experiences, how to

[30:36]

generate the fields which are anger or joy or whatever. Ultimately our practice is to seal ourselves, you know, with Buddha. So Suzuki Roshi Well, let me start again. If, I'm afraid I'm being too clear. I'm explaining too much. I don't know why I'm doing this, but I'll try. If you get so you can play,

[31:39]

play in the field of your anger, play in the field of your love or whatever, seeing how you generate it but not being caught by what happens within the field, some opportunity arises to have some feeling. So whether you shut it off or let it exist is maybe irrelevant almost. But if you're alive, you might as well work with each field. So as you get so you can have that sense of experience, not running away from your fear or your love or your

[32:41]

anger. If you're angry, be completely angry. And as I always say, you don't have to go around hitting people on the head, but you should see what your anger is. And a lot of us, a lot of you are extremely angry and you don't know how angry you are. And it comes out in criticizing other people when you don't have when your own practice is not so good. Some of you comes out, some of you being critical of everything, picking away at the world, you know. Then you lament that the world is so terrible without knowing that you generate

[33:41]

the world yourself. You generate the field that picks away at the world. So when you get so you can stay with your fear or your anger as some pleasure even, some strength. There's some, if you're just self-confident or confident, you have no strength to exist in the midst of your fear as some strength. Those emotions we have are there for some reason. They actually like imagination or fear, they actually are fire, maybe. So when you can enter your own existence

[34:45]

and stay with it and see what it is and not close your eyes to it, you begin to be able to enter the existence of someone else. So when you practice with a teacher, when I practiced with Suzuki Roshi, we began to be able to sustain a body, sort of, that was that was Buddha's, not his and not mine, not something he possessed to give me, but something we created together. And that's the real body, you know, of the patriarchs that we serve food to. And that body exists for all of us.

[35:47]

And when we have a practice period like this, you're coming forward, you're being a companion of Suzuki Roshi. Then that body exists again and can talk about Buddhism. And though we don't know what it is and can't say, the more you can sustain your own experience and exist in this way, then when you need something, it comes out. Buddhism is there to be used and when the use is there, some use will come out. When the need is there, some use will come out. So if your trust

[36:55]

or faith is deep enough, the teaching is endless. And if we talk about something, these kind of fields or in Buddhism we talk about the bliss body or the nirmanakaya, sambhogakaya, dharmakaya bodies, although you may experience yourself in this way

[37:57]

or though you may find if you tried to say something about your experience, which is all of one piece, not divided up into various bodies, but if you tried to say something about it, saying something is a division already and when you say something, you begin to talk about nirmanakaya or sambhogakaya or dharmakaya. But with that kind of experience, you can begin to know what we mean by emptiness. But emptiness isn't some mechanical understanding, sort of cold, lifeless understanding. From emptiness, what arises is a kind of love or some warm feeling.

[38:58]

And that was Suzuki Roshi's enlightenment or genius or whatever we want to say, is how very warm he was. He moved in the spaces that we have, that we are, with some warmth and kindness all the time. He used to say the sign of a well-trained, well-experienced Zen student was that his mind was always calm and warm and soft and kind. There's really no need to be anything else. Kindness may sometimes be some strength or toughness, and you had to keep the ducts or channels open

[40:06]

to feel that warmth. The more you could practice with him, sharing one body, the more Buddhism existed. So that's kind of kind of was. I have

[41:14]

an image of a bird fluttering in a big karmic machine. I a machine of karma, each of you is like a bird caught in it and you flap your wings. We all flap our wings and don't know how to get out of it, sort of like a Magritte painting. Because our various wings, we don't want to know they're there and we can't sustain the experience of our anger or fear or whatever. So our practice, at the end of this practice period, or any time, is to be aware of the

[42:25]

experience, is to stay with things. Don't start changing ahead of time. Stay with things just as they are. Try to sustain the experience, not sustain the practice period, I'm not giving some pep talk, which may be necessary, I'm always embarrassed if I feel like I'm giving a pep talk, but it doesn't make any difference whether you leave today or next week. But it does make a difference whether you can stay with your experience.

[43:29]

Because as I said, we stay with, you're using the Buddha bowl, you stay with that. And if your experience of time right now leads to work period, leads to etc., you stay with that, without rushing ahead. And your feelings, you stay with them. Eventually there's some coordination between your feelings and what we notice as the passage of time, which is actually just our feelings and our physical activity. But you can't cut through to what your actual life is, your actual existence as a seal,

[44:45]

for everything running through you, until you can sustain this moment, sustain your actual experience on each moment. Do you have any questions? Yeah, that's one thing I was saying.

[45:59]

Steadiness is also the eighth bhumi, I think, if that's helpful. Steadfastness. Anyway, I like the sound of it, writing backwards and forwards. But it's some Buddhist language, has some meaning in Buddhism, it's not necessary to know, but those two things I had to say, you know, that are part of the shosan ceremony, the first line is a line from a poem of Tozans, about what we were practicing.

[47:05]

And the last line of the second poem is from a line of Tozans, about the second stage of what we were practicing. An ancient mirror is nowhere to be found. In between is just about Tassajara and us, you and me. More or less, anyway, still there's some relationship. So what I say is not, when I write something or say something like that, I'm not trying to say something new, but continue something old. Riding backwards on a jade elephant maybe means to use everything as you wish. And it's good to be careful who you imitate.

[48:45]

All of these things require some skill or some experience, you know, you can't just jump in. It's better just to do what you're doing and not worry about it. And then if you find yourself finding some way that you intuitively or some feeling way want to do something the same way, that's okay. But even then you may have the problem of the gargle, you know. You don't know which way you're gargling, you know. Are you imitating to gain prestige or acceptance, you know, or something? Are you imitating to really open yourself up to what the other person's doing? So it's rather, like everything, it's rather tricky. So it's, in general, if you're practicing here with older students, in some ways you can imitate older students, you know, if you see how they do certain things.

[49:57]

I don't know exactly what, but you do learn something from somebody who's been practicing longer. Mostly, you learn something from people's rhythm. You know, we have access to ourselves, certain rhythms, and you can go along with the rhythms in a room or you can change them by changing your own. Or you can notice how some people see life seems to go smoothly because of the rhythm with which they do things. That kind of way you can sense somebody. But it's, if you want to consciously imitate someone, you ought to limit it to your teacher because your teacher can also see that you're doing it and stop you if it's not so good. But by imitation we don't mean, you know, monkey see, monkey do.

[51:04]

We mean... When you recognize something in another person, generally it means you're recognizing it in yourself, and you're already doing it. It doesn't mean, when you recognize something, it doesn't mean you have to start doing it. It means you've noticed that you're already starting. Does that make sense to you? Yeah? My parents called up this week and said that they had just turned on their oldest friend. Which? With what? With marijuana. Oh. And they're going to start practicing Zen immediately? No. No, I noticed they probably have a little bit of stuff left from when I came home.

[52:09]

I wonder if maybe you could say something about marijuana. It's a... It's been an interim problem before, but generally it hasn't been in the form of Christmas gifts from parents. Yes. Somebody came to my house the other day with hair, you know. He had more paraphernalia on. He's rather elderly. I don't know his name, but it's not... Actually, I've known him for years, but I don't know his name. Anyway, he had... This isn't any particular comment, it just made me think of it.

[53:12]

But anyway, he has, you know, layers of Mexican serapes, and four or five headbands, ropes of beads, and he gave me a Christmas card saying, Marijuana. And he chants and practices with Tartang Tugul. And he's having a battle with Tartang Tugul over marijuana, because he's pushing marijuana. That's the way. He's not a very good recommendation. He did have an interesting thing to say. He said, well, the limitation of Zen is they didn't go into theater like Tantrayana.

[54:19]

Which I thought was kind of interesting. Maybe we need a little more theater. I don't take that as a definitive... For those here who like Tantrayana, I don't take that as a definitive statement about Tantrayana. Um... I don't know about marijuana. It's up to you. I don't see any... I don't... There doesn't seem to be much wrong with it. I actually personally find the experience something of a nuisance. Um... But...

[55:25]

There is some problem if you look to it for something. You know, the second precept is do not take what is not given. Or another way is don't add anything to yourself. That's very, very important in Buddhism. I don't think you have to go so far as I do without taking... feeling reluctant to even taking vitamin C. But it's very important to... to base your life on just what you are. Just now. At this point. Without any... any idea of... I can change this. Or I can take a little of this. Or I can do that. Next circumstances will be better. As soon as you do that, your practice is gone. Actually, your practice is gone. But if it's a kind of...

[56:39]

you know, sport. You do with your parents. It's okay, I guess. We have to be nice to our parents. It's a new way to be nice to your parents. Don't turn on with them. Not so new. But... I get this question a lot. Somebody came up and talked to me the other day. In San Francisco, actually a month or so ago. A person who is very much... becoming a student... of Zen Center. And he has a friend... who got him started in Zen Center. And this person is very much not becoming... is going away from being a student of Zen Center. But they become quite good friends. And this one person is quite worried about the other person. This is the other person. To have some intimacy...

[57:47]

they really feel quite close with each other. But to have some intimacy, he has to get drunk. Or stoned. So this person... the Zen Center person... wants to... spend time with him and feels that it's helpful... to enter his space. So, what should he do? Should he get drunk with him or not? Well, in the end he decided that... the kind of relationship space they had together... drunk or stoned... wasn't so pleasant. So somehow he had to... insist on, for the sake of their friendship... to have some space outside of being drunk or stoned. But also to be able to enter his space. So he decided to have a drink with his friend...

[58:48]

or smoke a little grass with his friend. But at the same time be more or less... not... not too into it. So he felt he wanted to create a kind of bridge... for his friend in that way. That seemed like a good idea to me. We'll see what happens with him. Does that answer your question a little bit? One time a priest gave a lecture... and he was saying... you should never smoke marijuana... and he didn't want to talk about it anymore after that either. So maybe that's why, you know... I felt like... I could express myself... in that way. Do you have to find out for yourself...

[60:22]

of course you have to find out for yourself... what... everything is. It doesn't mean you have to do everything to find out. You have to find out for yourself... to your own satisfaction. Or you have to accept... sort of tentatively... the feeling of somebody you trust. The danger is of compartmentalizing your life. Well now this is practice period... I'm going to practice. This is some other time. This is when I do that. Through all these... fields... or bodies... or activities... that we have... the moon... you know... like the moon on the evening... at night... shines through layers and layers of clouds. There may be several layers... but you can... the moon...

[61:23]

can permeate all of them. Whatever you do... your practice should... like that... permeate... what you do. I'm always... there's three more people... who have their hands up... and I always have a debate between... between... the pain I imagine in your legs... and the number of hands up... because about this time... I begin to lose some of you... and you begin to... begin to want the lecture to end... because you're bored. So... Okay. You just don't like being cold.

[62:29]

Can't you dress warmly? I'm experiencing the cold. I don't think it's... so... there's no... rule in the Pali Canon... saying you have to experience the cold. You want to experience your energy... keeping you warm. So you don't want to wear... so many clothes... that you shiver inside them... because your energy is turned off. Your energy is what keeps you warm... so you want to wear just enough clothes... so that your energy has a chance...

[63:35]

to keep you warm. And eventually... your energy will keep you warm. And you can tell... if your state of mind is not so good... you'll be colder. Your hands will be colder. There's not much you can do... if it's cold. No, it's cold. Yeah, I often wonder why... Sometimes I wonder... why we don't mind more. Because it... sometimes it's... you'd think it was such a bore... to have to sit through another meal... you know, and use the orioke... when it'd be so much easier to eat. But somehow it's not, you know... you don't mind at all. And it's cold...

[64:38]

and really we don't mind too much. Okay? Someone else had a question. Wim? Steve? Sorry.

[65:00]

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