When I was a kid and used to travel with my family somewhere, a number of times it happened that we'd be driving along somewhere, I don't know where, you know, like the Hudson River or someplace, or some other place in the east, and from the car we could see a, what to me, when I was that age, you know, I suppose I'm talking about I was four or five years old or something, six or seven, a bridge over a, you know, the Hudson River or the Chesapeake Bay or someplace, you know, and the bridge always looked fantastic, and I'd ask my father if he could drive to where we were going over the bridge rather than,

[01:09]

you know, however else we were going, and he stopped the car and get a map out and try to figure if we could get there by driving across the bridge, because the bridge looked so wonderful, you know. And he often figured out a route, well, we could go this way and then up and then back across another bridge, you know. But then we'd do it and, you know, we'd be halfway across the bridge and I'd say, where's the bridge, you know, because it just looked like the road, you know. I had no experience of the bridge at all, you know, except I actually did get to the other, to the, I can hardly say it, anyway, we got to this place, to that place, you know.

[02:20]

And I was reminded of that because the other day I saw a 45-minute movie that's showing down at the cannery called Above San Francisco, and it has lots of photographs of San Francisco beaches and the fog coming in across the Golden Gate Bridge and the whole area around Green Gulch and San Francisco. It looks really wonderful, you know, but I drive across the Golden Gate Bridge all the time and it's not the same as that. Sometimes we try to get back to that feeling with a kind of, you know, cosmic acid 2001

[03:28]

perspective on our life, you know, which shows us things in the big scale, you know. But anyway, which both are the bridge, you know, whether you're just riding across it or whether you're seeing the bridge, you know, from the side of the river or bay. And Zen practice is, your life is pretty much like that, Zen practice is pretty much like that. You start out Zen often because of some overall feeling like that, seeing the bridge.

[04:34]

But then the actual practice is, you can't tell whether you're on the bridge or not on the bridge. Last week I talked about the Sangha, maybe I talked about the Sangha as a bridge, but we can't really, we really can't depend on Buddha, Dharma or Sangha even. There's nothing you can depend on actually, there's no entity, nothing that really exists. So as you can say, I do something or other and you did something or other, but that I or you, when you say it you should have the sense that it's just a designation.

[05:38]

If you have some feeling that there's an I or a you, a substantial I or a you, that gives you some opportunity to practice or examine where that comes from. Maybe we could say that seeing things from the point of view of, or seeing things with non-conceptual thinking is Dharma. And seeing each thing as it is, seeing what's actually before you is Buddha. Seeing that action and non-action are the same thing is Sangha.

[06:51]

Before enlightenment, Buddha, Dharma and Sangha maybe are some kind of a bridge or some shadow, but actual practice, there's no trace of practice or no trace of the rules, no shadow like, I must do this. So, when you practice Sazen, we are beginning a Sashin today, and we have some opportunity,

[08:11]

so we have some opportunity for a full week, seven days, to abandon ourselves, abandon our thinking, you know, abandon our posture. When you first sit down you can rock, you know, a little bit each way, but the purpose of that is not exactly to, you know, find your posture, but in the midst of that rocking just abandon your posture, abandon your connection with your body, and let your body do whatever it does, and it will come to some, you know, resting place. With your breathing, maybe you'll start out with a couple of deep breaths, but forget about your breathing, abandon your breathing and let it do whatever it does.

[09:15]

When we say in the Sutra, you know, no marks, no marks, no thirty-two marks, means that there's no distinction between Buddha and you. If you make a distinction, oh, this is Buddha, he has thirty-two marks, I don't have thirty-two marks, or he doesn't have thirty-two marks, you're already setting up some spatial entity, some conception, which doesn't exist, you know. Which bridge exists? How many bridges exist? So no marks means the Buddha, we can say, the Buddha of no marks, or the Buddha without form, the Buddha of, without any particular existence,

[10:38]

doesn't see anything in particular, doesn't see one mark or thirty-two marks. But this means some, well, we can say, you know, as I said, at Green Gulch last Sunday, each of our tendencies, you know, five hindrances or ten hindrances, there's some way to find an antidote to them. And the first one, laziness, you know, should I get up in the morning, is counteracted by

[11:40]

simple thinking, yes, I'll get up. And doubt, which comes, you know, when you lose corrosive doubt, you know, or vain doubt, comes when there's some gap in your experience. And that is, the antidote for that is sustained thinking or a sustained awareness, which if you practice Buddhism, some, your thinking, your rough thinking or interrupted thinking, which changes topics, you know, is replaced by some kind of sustained consciousness, which, as I said last week, doesn't make mistakes or doesn't think things that aren't possible.

[12:51]

And that sustained thinking changes into a kind of bliss or overall body experience of some feeling of aliveness, right, to the tips of everything, and even beyond what we usually think of our physical body. That replaces hatred or aversion or anger, that kind of, when you have that kind of feeling, you can't be averted from something by anger or by hatred. But you feel mutually identified with everything.

[14:00]

And from that, you have a general sense of well-being or, I don't know, happiness is not such a good word, but anyway, we can say you don't have moods anymore, up and down moods, or such moods are, anyway, they don't make much difference, you know. So, that, we say, replaces worry or restlessness. And the last one, which is probably the most difficult, which we start out with, you know, is greed, is only replaced by concentration, you know, all these things come together to

[15:23]

make concentration. So, when we say concentration, we don't mean your ability to keep your mind on one breath or one object of meditation, but rather we mean the activity of your aliveness or consciousness, which is always concentrated, which has dropped away ordinary thinking, rough thinking, and subsumed, sustained thinking, given up bliss or some good feeling or rapture.

[16:25]

And not making any distinction between happiness or unhappiness. This kind of concentration allows you to enter the next phase of, we can say, if we lay it out like this, the next phase of Buddhist practice, which is how, if we say, form an emptiness, how to perceive the world of emptiness or non-form, which is without marks or without limits. This kind of consciousness, mental, we can't say it's mental and we can't say it's physical, but this kind of consciousness doesn't lose sight of the bridge from all its aspects.

[17:35]

It's not limited by this particular space or time. But that consciousness comes from limiting yourself to this space and time. Because what we mean can't be got by your ideas or your concepts of some freedom from space and time. And our concepts are so subtle that maybe in your practice the first thing you do is to become more and more aware of the concepts in your activity. And they're quite subtle, you know. First they're very obvious ones, and more and more you find, for example, when you throw

[18:44]

something from this place to that place, if you have the idea of a thing that you're throwing from this place to that place, that's a concept in your activity. How do you get rid of even that concept? We have an idea of separation between us and, or this place and that place, or you and me, or fire and wood, or wood and ashes. You know, as the famous discussion by Nagarjuna and Dogon's own version of it about does fire exist independent from wood, or is fire dependent on wood, or is fire found in wood? And you can't say it's dependent or independent. But what can you say?

[19:49]

We want to say it's dependent or independent. But it's neither dependent nor independent, and that which it actually is, you can't reach by conceptual thinking, or you can't reach by concepts. Maybe we can say it's thusness, or the patriarchs are thus, or it's a, you can't even say a flow, you know, but maybe a flow is more, if you have to have a concept, a concept of flow is maybe more helpful. And your own experience of your body is limited to your, the reason you have an experience

[20:52]

of body and mind is because you have a concept of body and mind. And we, it's not necessary to say someone gave it to you, you give it to yourself by the way our mind works. So you can, as long as you have concepts of body and mind, or a concept, and I don't mean you, okay, then you can replace the concept of body and mind with another concept called body and mind are the same. That doesn't work either, that's just another concept. Actually I can't say anything, you know, about Buddhism.

[21:52]

Suzuki Roshi used to say, and you can't listen, you can't even smell, Buddhism isn't there for listening or smelling or speaking. So what can you do? Suzuki Roshi always said, all you can do is have patient endurance. The teacher must have patient endurance, the student must have patient endurance, and both of you must wait for an opportunity which will come to you. The teacher wants to help, you know, so he must restrain himself, and the student wants something, you know, and he or she must restrain themselves. And maybe what we need is some kind of easy relationship, you know, hi, how are you, that's

[23:04]

all. But if there's some strain in that relationship, you know, I wonder how I am, or why does he ask how are you, you know, I don't feel like saying hi, if there's some resistance in there, something funny is going on, you know, you have some concept, some identity, you know, just hi, you know, how are you. If there's strain, the strain should be in you, not in your relationships. That's strain you can look at and work with. So, somehow in your practice you have to abandon concepts of breath, which is an identity,

[24:21]

I'm breathing, or posture, which is an identity, I'm sitting, or mind, or body. If you don't, you'll always think of your body as two arms and a chest and a heart that beats and eventually will stop, and legs, and sexual organs, and feet, etc. But your practice, you know, if you sit still long enough, just sitting upright, you know, quite comfortable, and if possible awake, your body will help you by giving you some

[25:32]

information that doesn't fit your categories. Maybe it won't give you much, but you'll notice things which don't make sense in terms of body and mind, so maybe it will encourage you to persist in refraining from letting concepts arise. If you can be conscious enough to, relaxed enough, you know, abandoned enough to abandon concepts as they arise, oh, some concept is coming, goodbye, you know. You will begin to find out that your body is not what you think it is, and your mind

[26:42]

is not what you think it is, and you can't say, this is body and that's mind, or this is mind and that's something else's body, that actually your body is something remarkable, some extraordinary vehicle, you know, for Buddha, or that is Buddha. And it's only your concepts which prevent you from knowing that you are Buddha. So we don't need Buddha, Dharma, or Sangha, or the bridge. Those are only expedient shadows, or after enlightenment, ways of expressing ourselves,

[27:45]

or ways of acting, but actually there's no bridge, no concept even. So sudden enlightenment means don't try to practice by this stage and that stage, or some gradual shadings from form to emptiness, or something like that. Don't depend on Buddha, Dharma, and Sangha even. Don't take refuge in anything, abandon everything, each moment. Although you don't know how to do that when you're driving a car, you may have some difficulty, in a session you can do it. Just abandon your posture, abandon your breathing, abandon your thinking, abandon your body, your mind, and your friends, and your ideas of yourself. Something will be there, you don't have to be scared, you know.

[29:01]

If we can call that which is there, a something. Do you have any questions? With time, it becomes easier to stay awake. I get so comfortable, I just want to go to sleep. You mean your posture gives you no difficulty? It doesn't help you stay awake? I feel some pain, but I get used to that, and it doesn't keep me awake. Sleep is probably the biggest enemy in Zen, I think for everyone.

[30:06]

First of all, you have to get enough sleep. But if you get enough sleep, then you have to find some way to stay awake. Okay? I'm trying to open my eyes, but I think that's cheating, because I'm supposed to be sitting still. Can you catch the moment at which you go to sleep? You mean try to pull myself out of it, or an opening? Usually it's something that's making us go to sleep. If you don't need the sleep, then something is drugging you. What actually is sitting is not your body, but your awakeness.

[31:23]

That awakeness sometimes... The trouble is, after you've been sitting quite a while, that awakeness can stay awake and sleep. So then it's much harder to catch you. I mean, you may be thrashing about on your cushion, but you're quite conscious somehow still. Then that's even some more problem. How to? I mean, falling asleep is a way of closing your eyes to what's happening. That's all. And why you fall asleep at different times in your zazen is very intimate to you. And I can't explain it. You have to be intimate enough with yourself to know how to do it.

[32:28]

But don't give up, you know? Okay. You just can't abandon the concept of God, of outside source, communication. Then believe in God. If you don't want to abandon it, you can't. If you want to, just keep trying. Actually, most of us have some kind of idea of God, some idea of seeking outside ourself. Any seeking outside of yourself is really the first step in belief in God or dependence on God or something. But actually, there's nothing to depend on.

[33:34]

Show me God. Okay. Okay. Hmm. You should... I may be able to say something, but it's your own pain, yours or whoever has it. It's your own pain, so the best attitude to practice with is, I can know my own pain and I can find my own answer. If you have the complete confidence, this is the whole world, this is me or something. And if I have some difficulty, pain or whatever,

[34:46]

I also have the answer. No need to think. The difficulty is here and the answer is over there. If you practice completely with that feeling, I have the answer, then someone can help you. Many of our problems, physical pain or mental pain, are just that we want to stay alive and we lose the sensation of being alive, so we replace it quickly with a problem. In zazen, there's some fear of, if I really abandon myself, what will be there? So immediately your legs start to hurt. Oh good, something's there. I'm still here. Or some mental pain occurs.

[35:49]

And if you run out of physical and mental pain, you'll fall asleep. Then you can forget about the problem. Actually, we go like that in practice, from problem to pain to sleepiness, and we don't see anything except problems, pain, sleepiness. One minute you have to sit. I still want to exist alive. There must be a different problem. Pain, breathing. Can you speak just a little louder? I'm bringing up these problems of pain. I'm bringing up these problems of sleepiness because I don't want to abandon this concept. I'm afraid that I don't exist or that I will die. But yet I'm actively abandoning these things also. There's some distinction between that I,

[36:51]

who is abandoning concepts, who is letting go of concepts, and that I, who is bringing up problems to secure its own existence, I'm afraid of pain. Is that the same I? Which bridge is the real bridge? I don't know. Yeah, I don't know either. Anyway, get to know all those guys. Be quite friendly with them. Eventually you'll come to know your own drama, you know.

[37:53]

Actually, each of us is enacting some drama we've inherited from our family and from our ancestors and from our age. Maybe that's the biggest concept of all. And maybe we're replacing it by a drama of pin the tail on the Buddha nature or something like that. Find your Buddha nature. No, you're not. No, you're not. One of those precepts, you know, says don't sell intoxicants. Don't sell Buddhism. And I'm selling Buddhism right now. I'm selling some intoxicant and you're buying it, you know. Actually, I can't, as I said before.

[38:56]

Actually, I can't talk about Buddhism, you know. And you can't listen, you know. Really what we have to do is have some kind of patient waiting for a chance that will come. Maybe the best way is just some suggestion from our teacher or from circumstances. But your drama, your big drama that you're living out can't be located even by practice or by... It's a concept too big, you know. All you can do is if you really want to know, if you really want to know that practice, you know, which, you know, it's not as getting rid of one thing after another

[39:59]

till we're left with nothing, you know. That's not what we mean by emptiness. If we really want to practice that way which isn't this or that or me or Buddha or form or emptiness, you can only start with the minute moment of this activity right now and abandon it, you know. The Bodhisattva sits unmoved in the midst of myriad activities. And in this session, please sit unmoved, you know. Abandon even your breathing. Okay.

[41:01]

Now. Now.

[41:06]

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