Good morning. So thank you for inviting me. Thank you, Abbott, Steve, Mio again. I feel, you know, quite honored to be here at Tessara during the practice period and you know, a bit humbled, especially since, you know, I forgot my robes, you know, coming to the foremost center in the Western Hemisphere. And I forgot my robes and my orioke and my stick. So you know, I'm dressed for the occasion, though, thanks to the tanto on boat, who's given me his summer robes and Abbott, Mio again, who's, you know, outfitted me with

[01:03]

an okesa and zagu. Especially the Abbott's robes, it's kind of large clothes to fill. And you know, wearing these robes, I don't exactly feel like myself, so I'm not sure what will happen, you know, or who will be talking, you know, if I give a talk. And this is, of course, one of the concerns about having people come to, you know, inviting somebody to a practice period, you don't know what they're going to say. And I'm not sure what I'm going to say either, so we're going to find out. So I consider this, you know, and you can see what you think, you know, on one hand, you know, I'd like to invite you to the Ed Brown magic show, but you know, this is like a cloud, you know, like a mirage, like a magic show.

[02:07]

So it might be your magic show, we're not sure. And on the other hand, you know, all of Tassajara during the practice period, this is a 90-day theater piece, where each of you is, each of us is, you know, a participant and one of the actors, and then we're also the audience. You know, we're watching and we're being watched. And we've got outfits and, you know, set pieces and, you know, that we show up for, and then sometimes there's improvisational theater that happens even, and people occasionally are allowed to talk, and then we hear various things. So this is quite a remarkable event, and I feel touched to be here for this and to be a part of it for a few days. One of the things that's happened for me while I've been here is, you know, certain times

[03:33]

in my practice and, you know, have come back, you know, come back to me. And you know, the whole time that I did in the late 60s and early 70s, I think 12 practice periods, all in the other zendo, you know, that was burned down. So many of the places where I practiced aren't here anymore. But I remember sitting in the third seat along the stone wall, and it's right near the door, closest door to the office, third seat down from there. And I remember, you know, it wasn't until after I left the kitchen that, when I was ten years old, we were the servers, too. So we cooked, then we put on clean aprons, we served the food in the zendo, then we came

[04:39]

back and ate and cleaned up. And it wasn't until sometime later that, you know, somebody figured out, people from the zendo come out to help serve. Didn't you know that? I mean, it was probably Tatsukami Roshi, but even him, it took him a while to get around to explaining this to us, because I think he was here first in 1968, when I was still tenso, but it wasn't until sometime later that the whole business with soku and service from the zendo, you know, was somebody figured out to do that. And I remember, you know, the first practice period here at Tassajara, there were 70 people, and we sat in the old zendo, it was very hot. First practice period was in July and August. And Tassajara was officially dedicated, Baker Roshi wanted to do it that way, you know,

[05:45]

on July the 4th, so we would have the same birthday as, you know, our country. And it could be our holiday and not theirs, you know. And Richard was ordained. It was fiercely hot, everybody was just sweating, and all of his, you know, ceremony to become a priest, it might have been like the day before the dedication, like the 3rd. It was so hot, everybody was sweating. I think the whole ceremony was in Japanese. And we sat and sweated and, you know, Richard had his head shaved. And then became, you know, the first practice period, he was the shuso and the director.

[06:51]

You, if you're going to be in charge, you want somebody competent to be in charge. So, and I think this is some of my first talk here. My shuso talks in Reno were all in the old zendo. And I think the last time I was here at Tassajara for a practice period was 1991. I was also at a practice period in 1984, this time of year in the spring, and I was the head resident teacher for 22 students, with 22 students. It was during the, you know, shoes outside the door era.

[08:05]

Those shoes were outside the door here at Tassajara. This was a year later. So, we had a practice period and then in the middle of the practice period, 18 of us went up, 19 of us went up to the city for big meetings to discuss the future of Zen Center. And four people stayed here at Tassajara for the weekend. And, you know, also I remember, you know, sitting with Suzuki Roshi and his cabin, which has now been moved, but, so, do I remember the cabin, which is moved, or the space, which is now the kaesando? Anyway, it is, as they say, like a magic show.

[09:10]

And we're in a practice period like this, you know, we disappear beneath the waves and, you know, we're, we go under and it's this underground way and have it together. And it turns out that even underwater, you know, we can all breathe. And I think each of us, in our own way, you know, we're, you know, studying.

[10:19]

And I like, you know, a couple lines of Rilke poetry. He says, But what, what is blowing like a breeze? Listen to that, the uninterrupted message flowing out, forming itself out. Uninterrupted message forming itself out of the stillness. Listen to the uninterrupted message forming itself out of the stillness. And, of course, sometimes it's difficult to distinguish the uninterrupted message flowing itself,

[11:31]

flowing, forming itself out of the stillness, and what seems to be the uninterrupted message forming itself out of one's thoughts about self and how I'm doing and what other people think of me. So we study what is the difference. Which message is which? And since I've been here this week, you know, I've been working in the kitchen and visiting with people while we work. And I'm talking about Dogen and cooking and seeing if we can get some food done. Yet another magic show.

[12:32]

And this week it's been occurring to me, you know, how much we like to play, you know, hide and seek. And often each of us, in our own way, are hiding. But it's our deep wish, you know, when we're playing hide and seek, that somebody will find us. Somebody will recognize us. Somebody will appreciate, you know, our good heart, our sincere effort, our wholehearted devotion. Somebody will see what a wonderful person you are. Somebody will be able to find you. And, you know, it's often pretty challenging because some of us have...

[13:43]

I'm speaking from experience here. I don't know about any of you, but just to say from my experience, I've often done quite a good job of hiding. You wouldn't want just anybody to find you, would you? You'd want to be sure that the person who finds you really cares enough to look through all those barriers you've created to actually find you. Somebody who cares that much. I mean, somebody who doesn't care if they find you, I mean, so what? But wouldn't you want the person who's going to find you to really care enough? So you'd want to be sure to carefully conceal yourself so that you know that the person who finds you really loves you, really cares. They can really see you. With kids, it's a lot of fun, you know.

[14:46]

You can do many hide and seek games. And when you find, you know, your child or your grandchild, you know, they're so happy to be found. Oh, I can't see you. You know, if your child is in the bed, you know, with some covers over them, oh, where is my daughter? And when you find her, oh, they're just so delighted. Here I am. So each of us, you know, we feel, when we feel seen, recognized, appreciated, you know, it's like waiting and waiting and waiting. Who's going to find us? And maybe if, you know, we follow the schedule well enough, or, you know, have some good experience here and are successful,

[15:51]

you know, at last somebody will say, thank you, you know, you've done it. But obviously that's not quite working, is it? Somehow we're not seen quite nearly enough as we'd like to be and appreciated and... So I feel, you know, to be invited here, I feel in some way, you know, seen. So thank you, once again. Thank you. And it turns out, of course, that practicing Zen is, you could say, you know, it is about meeting face to face and being seen.

[17:00]

But also we could say about Zen that it's learning or finding out how to have problems. What's a useful way to have your problem or difficulty? How do you work with a problem? Diet, sleep, knees, bags, emotional upheavals, distress of various sorts. How do you work with it? What will you do? And, of course, Suzuki Roshi told us at a session in San Francisco, the problems you are now experiencing will continue for the rest of your life.

[18:05]

We all thought, I think, he was going to say, we'll continue until you know you wake up, get enlightened, see more clearly. And he said, no, they're going to continue for the rest of your life. So this is a big, you know, so if you're going to be seen, uh-oh, I'm going to be seen as somebody who has problems. Is that okay? Or would you just like to have the wonderful person be seen? So can you hide one and reveal the other? Or is there some way to set up the screens? Anyway. So I'm going to take a few minutes and say a little bit about the Tenzo Kyokan

[19:17]

and some of my interests. I'm going to keep it very short because each topic I have here is like at least a lecture. I'm going to give you five topics of the next five lectures that I'm not going to be here for. But you can listen, but what is blowing like the breeze, you can listen, you'll get the same, come to the same conclusions in different language. The uninterrupted message. So in my reading of the Tenzo Kyokan, I've decided to, you know, I don't really appreciate Dogen's arrangement. It doesn't seem, you know, structurally sound to me. So anyway, I've put it into my arrangement. So my five talking points. First of all, Dogen says people who work in the kitchen should arouse way-seeking mind. Way-seeking mind.

[20:20]

This is true, of course, not just in the kitchen, but way-seeking mind. The mind that seeks the way. So which way is this? The way to be seen as not having problems? The way to be seen as having problems? The way to be yourself? The way to be a Buddha? The way to live in peace and harmony? The way to get the rice cooked? The way to cut vegetables? What is the way? The way to wash lettuce? The way to prepare lettuce? The way to work with others? So I take it, what is the way in this large sense?

[21:48]

You know, what is the way to walk under the water, you know, to go under like in a practice period? And what is the way to survive this three-month magic show? What do you need to do to survive? What's the way? You know, to have enough strength to be with your problems. To have enough, what is the way to have enough, what is the presence of mind you need? How do you do that? How will you sustain yourself? I used to, in the practice period in 1984, before evening zazen, I did shoulder stand, head stand, back bends. To me it was like, I called it survival yoga. I am not going to make it through two periods of zazen unless I do this first.

[22:59]

If you do inverted poses you get some blood in your head. I don't do that anymore, but it got me through 1984. What is the way? And the second, you know, Dogen later gives you particular pieces of advice, but lighter things on a high shelf, heavier things on a low shelf and what have you. But anyway. And various, you know, these all relate to each other. Don't complain about the quality or quantity of the ingredients you're given. So, you know, that might be helpful.

[24:05]

But in a larger sense, you know, we're studying what, how do I do this? How do I live my life in the midst of, you know, my life, which is the whole world? And the second point that strikes me in the Tenzo Kyoken is, do the work, seeing with your own eyes, working with your own hands. And once you start to study this, you may find it almost impossible. It's taken me years to find my hands. You know, to connect to consciousness, it's so often in your head,

[25:09]

and it's your hands. So that your consciousness feels what your hands feel. It's not your consciousness telling your hands what to do. It's giving your consciousness to your hands, so you can feel what your hands are feeling. This is in Zazen too. Do you feel your hands? Do you have hands? I spent 20 years at Zen Center hardly ever feeling my hands, except for when I worked. I hardly ever felt my hands in Zazen. It's one of the things since, you know, I practiced at Zen Center, I've studied having hands. This is not so easy. One of my friends said, Oh, you spiritual people are all the same. I said, well, what do you mean? He said, well, you know, you're all old souls, so you've had plenty of lives, and you've made so many mistakes

[26:11]

in all of your past lives. In this life, you say, well, I'm just not going to do anything, just in case it might be wrong. So I'll just not do anything. And to be sure I don't do anything, I won't do anything wrong, so to be sure I don't do anything wrong, I just won't have hands. So, you know, there's a part of spiritual practice that's like that, but Dogen suggests, I mean, you know, we can fall into that, not have hands, but what about having your hands, and studying how to have hands, and what your hands sense and feel and know, and seeing with your eyes. I've done some holy tropics with my hands, and I've done prophetic birth work with Stan Grof, and he'll come around the room and work with people at some point, and then he'll say, people will say, no, I don't want to do that, and he'll say, today's your birthday. Break the rules, it's okay.

[27:13]

You can do something you've never done before. And, you know, one of the examples I gave to the kitchen people, you know, my photography changed remarkably. You know, overnight when I realized, you know, mostly people take, we take a picture, you take a picture of Anbo, or Gary, or Mark, and you take a picture of a thing. But when you look at the picture later, what you've taken a picture of is not the thing, you've taken a picture of what was in the viewfinder. So look at what's in the viewfinder. You know, otherwise you're going through the motions, you're taking a picture of a thing, and then you get a picture later, but it's not, you haven't seen with your own eyes

[28:16]

what you're taking a picture of. And you can do that, you can see what's in the viewfinder. So you can actually meet, you know, things. And in the kitchen, you know, is the lettuce clean or dirty? What is the shape of something, what does it look like? And my third category in Dogen, the Tenzo Kiyoken is, don't waste a single grain. So apparently this is, you know, run into the Monterey County Health Department, and, you know, the food can be heated twice and then it's to be discarded. So, oh well, so much for Dogen.

[29:17]

I've been, but, you know, when I'm at home, I take it very seriously. I'm one of these strange people who, like, you know, I wash and dry my plastic bags, and then I fold them up, and then I put them in a larger plastic bag, the thicker kind, to take back to the store and reuse them. So I'm guessing that in my lifetime, you know, even at 10 bags a week, 500 bags a year, 10 years, 5,000 bags, 20 years, 10,000 bags, you know, I will have saved a lot of plastic bags. I finally talked to my student and friend, Danny Parker, and said, Danny, is this worth it? Am I just wasting my time? And he said, it's okay, you know, plastic bags are petroleum, and it takes, you know, petroleum to make them. It's a help. But when you do it, sometimes you feel.

[30:23]

This is also related to, you know, Dogen says, don't see with ordinary eyes and ordinary mind. Anyway, I use a rubber spatula, and I've been teaching the kitchen, you know, let's clean out the pots. But then, you know, we haven't taught the servers yet from the Zendure. And then if we're not going to eat it anyway after the second time around, why should we save it the first time? It's a complicated question. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to suggest. You know, traditionally, you take one food, and then it goes into something else. That's how I learned to cook. When I was the cook here before, you know, when it was still a resort, Jimmy and Ray taught me

[31:26]

to take Tuesday's dinner and turn it into Thursday's lunch, Wednesday's dinner, Friday's lunch. And we used up all the leftovers. And then we, and then, you know, we put things into soups and like, you know, medicine bowl type things. So what's the way? I don't know. So we're all studying this. What do we do? How are we going to do this? Personally, I've found that, you know, do it with your own eyes, using your own hands, that, you know, when you clean out pots regularly, I think your consciousness changes. Just like your consciousness changes when you gush out regularly, when you bow, when you sit,

[32:28]

your awareness, your consciousness shifts. If you practice cleaning out pots and bowls, what makes the food precious? The food is only precious if you treat it as though it's precious. If you treat yourself as though you're precious, you're precious. If you treat others as though they're precious, they will be precious. And for me, you know, I had to start with food. So hard to treat, you know, because I was so wounded. So I started taking care of food. And little by little over the years,

[33:29]

I understand something about taking care of myself, taking care of others. So I take it seriously. And it hurts me in the summer to see how much food, how much work is done, how much effort goes into making all the food that goes into the compost. But I don't know what to do. But if, you know, people who are here in the summer are interested, you know, you'll study it. You'll take on that study of not knowing what to do and what is the way. How do I use my body? How do I use my eyes? You can see it going out to the compost. It's not hidden. It's not hidden. And my fourth category

[34:46]

in the Tenzo Kyokan is let things come and abide in your heart. Let your heart return and abide in things. This is like saying let problems come and abide in your heart. Let your heart return and abide in the problems. Because we're often trying to set up a place where I don't have to relate to things. And it's nice to hang out there for a bit. But when you simplify and you have silence and then you can observe and study things more carefully, inner things, the inner world, the message blowing in the breeze, blowing like the breeze. But for the cook, you know, you let things come and into your heart.

[35:49]

Then how do you respond from your heart? You let your heart go out to things. And this is different than your head. Your head tries to figure out how can I do this so that everybody likes me, so that nobody criticizes me, so that I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. So the fifth category in Dogon is don't see with ordinary eyes and don't think with ordinary mind. How do you use your awareness? You know, it's such a gift, our awareness. We can treat something as being precious and then it's precious. We can give our awareness to something

[36:56]

and it's such a huge gift, you know, to feelings, to thoughts, to sensations. We give our awareness and it gives life. Our awareness gives life to things. And then something, you know, by the gift of our awareness, we're seen. We see and are seen. We're met. Things meet us. People meet us. So I don't want to talk too long but I'd like to also tell you a couple lines of Rumi poetry. Excuse me for not having more Zen. But you know, you're probably getting enough of Nagarjuna and things, you know. We turn for the rest of the week and things.

[37:57]

You know, we can all be making, you know, various assessments, how well I'm doing, how well I'm doing compared to others. Am I getting it? Am I not getting it? What would indicate that? Do people like me? Do they not like me? Do they see me? Do they not see me? Why don't they appreciate me more? Anyway, Rumi says, just to be held by the ocean is a great piece of luck. Just to be held by the ocean is a great piece of luck. Just to be held by the ocean

[39:15]

It's a total awakening. A total waking up. Just to be held by the ocean is a great piece of luck. It's a total waking up. Feel the motions of tenderness. Feel the motions of tenderness, the buoyancy. Feel the motions of tenderness, the buoyancy. The practice period is like this, you know, we're part of the great ocean of all of us studying, practicing, sitting together. It's very, you know, remarkable.

[40:18]

Just to be held by the ocean is a great piece of luck. So you can feel the, you can feel the motions of tenderness. The buoyancy. Suzuki Roshi called it soft mind. Let your mind be soft. Let your body be soft. And I, working in the kitchen, I was suggesting let your hands be soft. When you are telling your hands what to do, they will be hard. When you're allowing your hands to be hands and receiving

[41:22]

with your hands, they'll be soft. Thank you.

[41:35]

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