If you are practicing Zen, you should expect a great deal. Can you hear Tommy? Tommy is adjusting his hearing aid. I wish we all could do that. If we're practicing, then, Buddhism, we should expect a great deal of Buddhism. This is your one chance to expect something of something, and expect Buddhism to come through. I don't mean you should be in a rush. If you can't understand Buddhism, at some point. Please be patient. But I do think you can bring your most formidable question to Buddhism. And you can look at Buddhism and wonder where it reaches, where will Buddhism reach.

[01:24]

And in Buddhism you can find many possibilities for your practice and for your life. you can ask, will Buddhism reach the most difficult or touchy part? Instead of looking in Buddhism, you can look in yourself for the most difficult part to change or work with or understand.

[02:42]

and ask, what does Buddhism have to offer me? one of the most unreachable parts of us. I don't know how to express it exactly, but today I feel like calling it flesh and fantasy. And it's more of what I was speaking about yesterday.

[03:47]

that click which occurs and some kind of internal dialogue comes on which you fall asleep to when it starts. But there's also a kind of sleepiness or delusion, delusionary behaviour. fuzzy behavior which takes us over sometimes, like we were a different person. And it's no small potato, you know. This is what psychology calls, most of what psychology calls, the unconscious what psychoanalysis tries to deal with, etc. And I think it's a good deal of the quality of the extreme left and right, politically. And I think we can see it in the kidnapping of Patty Hurst.

[05:02]

I don't know if I can make what I mean clear, but if Patty Hearst had been kidnapped by ordinary kidnappers, they couldn't have spoken to her. But because the kidnappers were rather, on the far left, politically, and bred in a college town, unrealistic college town. I think you can say they were speaking to her with the voice of her parents. So she couldn't say yes or no, right or wrong. Because at this level we are all, yes or no, right or wrong. And I don't mean just sexuality, although much of what you're seeing in the newspapers about various senators, etc., is very much this hidden life in us.

[06:40]

I would venture to say that most prostitution is really not for the purpose of sexual outlet, but for the purpose of this dialogue. And we even find in North Beach, you can pay someone to sit with you, nude, and talk with you. I think that's rather interesting. He's willing to do that. But actually, we are always having, most of us, having some kind of naked dialogue with ourselves, like that, which somehow we want to have with other people. And if we can't have it with our friends, or our wife, or our husband, we need to have it with someone anonymous. Because we can't integrate that level of flesh and fantasy with our daily life. And the more a person tends to have a public life, the more difficult it becomes for that person to integrate this under-life or other-life.

[07:59]

And I say flesh because it's like talking to your own flesh. It's like your parents, or your brothers and sisters, or your lovers, or your potential lovers, or your imagined lovers. Someone who you feel you can have a conversation with that's completely private. That's without restraint. as if you were talking to yourself, to your own flesh. Somehow we expect... Some idea takes us over that everyone's walking around with a secret person inside them, which is the true person, which will talk on this level of flesh and fantasy, and won't take the conversation and turn it over to the newspapers, which is what's been going on in Washington.

[09:15]

But it's wonderfully delusionary of us to think that this other side of people won't take the conversation. I don't think just some kind of loss of one's senses under the power of lust or something But we actually believe that this is the real ultimate relationship. And that other relationships and ideas will be adjusted, actually, to protect this personal or private dialogue. So, I think you'll find in your zazen you're having this kind of dialogue, at least for some time of your zazen you'll have this private dialogue. And I've noticed that the people who report to me the greatest intensity or longevity of this dialogue, you know, for two or three years it's still nothing but this fantasy of some private encounter.

[10:48]

And it's not, although often sexual, not just sexual. Those people have the hardest time continuing and mostly stop practicing. For it seems to be the last thing we want to give up is the resolution of this private potential dialogue. what we save up for the last minute when we're on top of things. I don't know when. It's what makes ordination so difficult. And people often psychologically have a pretty difficult time before ordination. They are convinced, they're very clear they want to be ordained.

[11:52]

And there's nothing else of importance to them. But they tremble when they come to actually think of doing it. And then finally they'll do it. And then the month or two months or so before the actual date, they have quite a difficult time, and many people do. They see some root juicy root of their life being yanked out. And the five senses are called roots, the five roots, when they are engaged in this parent talk. And so in the ordination ceremony we cut off, you know, you leave your parents or you cut off parent talk. You cut off your delusionary hair. You cut off the opportunity to adjust your life. It's very difficult to do. And many people don't actually do it. They kind of do it, but they still preserve that hidden opportunity.

[13:18]

This desire to talk to our own flesh, to make everything self, to possess everything, to possess the things we want the most. It's very difficult to give up that last thing. So that's really why we have monastic rules and ordination. For there's almost no way, there's no philosophical teaching of Buddhism which will touch this stream of flesh and fantasies.

[14:50]

It's true. It's our own flesh. It's our gut feeling. I suppose in Buddhism it's viewed as the most untouched delusion, the hardest to get at delusion. So we have a monastic life, Tassajara, and to some extent here, which is characterized by having the same rules. Everyone has the same rules.

[16:01]

and everyone has the same goods or possessions, more or less we share the same possessions. And everyone lives under the same conditions, basically. This is the Sangha life and there's various rules which are meant to get us to share our different views and speak carefully so that we don't get into disputes. You know the story about Gensha. I told you about Gensho when I talked about the turtle-nosed snake. Gensho went after he was with Seppo for some time. Gensho was originally a fisherman and when he was about thirty he had a deep resolution to become a monk. So he did and he studied with, stayed with

[17:26]

for quite a while, and then he went traveling to visit various teachers. And on the road, I guess he stumbled or something. Anyway, he hit his toe quite badly and it broke open. And at the moment of the pain, he felt, for some unexplained reason, he felt This body is a delusion. Where does the pain come from? And he returned to settle. Sato said to him, seeing him, what is this beggar gensha, or pei, he used the name pei, what is this beggar pei? And he said, I will never deceive others, or I can never deceive others.

[18:56]

And Asepo liked this answer very much. And he said to him, why don't you go on, continue, are you going to continue your pilgrimage to various places? And Gensha said, the famous statement, Bodhidharma did not come to the East. and the second patriarch did not go to India. This is recounted by Dogen in his section called One Bright Pearl and Dogen tells how when Gensha was a teacher. A monk asked him, You always say the universe is nothing but one bright pearl. How am I to understand this? How can I come to understand this? And Gensha said, The universe is one bright pearl. What need is there to understand this?

[20:28]

So the next day, Gensha asked in turn, �The universe is one bright pearl. What is your understanding of this?� And the monk said, �The universe is one bright pearl. What need is there to understand this?� And Gensha said, at last I see you are living in the black cave of demons, black mountain cave of demons. This is supposedly the worst place of all to be. But Dogen meant it as a term for enlightenment. To even come and go in the black cave of demons. A black cave also can mean utter darkness. And demons, I suppose, can mean this stream of flesh and fantasy, which basically only

[22:01]

monastic rules, or ordination, or some way of life in which you don't deceive others can get at it. Philosophy won't get at it, and Zazen practice alone won't get at it. But as you see in this story, what does this beggar pay? Again, I will never deceive others. So, I will never deceive others is of Gensha's statement, is the essence of the life of the Sangha or monastic life, where you have the same condition, same rules, same goods.

[23:06]

and you share your opinions and viewpoints. As long as you have something, some area you can't hide, you can't reveal or you feel you have to hide, you can't get at this stream and what you're actually doing is protecting that stream. So the joy of self-fulfilling samadhi means you don't deceive others anymore. This is also to say, when you don't deceive others anymore, this is the activity of saving all sentient beings. Just to actually be a person who does not deceive themselves or deceive others is the activity of saving all sentient beings. And you see how difficult it is when you think about being ordained and why usually ordination is connected with leading a singular chaste life. But as Dogen says, you know, to live in the cave of, black mountain cave of demons, that also is the one bright pearl.

[24:37]

So there's no need to be ordained or chaste, but there is a need to not deceive others. The practice of not deceiving others is monastic life, to be willing to share the same conditions. You know, the deep unwillingness people have to share the same conditions, to keep the opportunity to having some own lifestyle or a better lifestyle is this same stream of flesh and fantasy, this personal dialogue which is so intimately and innately private until you face ordination or face the realization of Gensha, that this body is a delusion. Where does the pain come from? In your Sashin, where does the pain come from? I have never looked up Samadhi, its actual meaning, but I'm told it means

[26:07]

to receive correctly. This is a good understanding of samadhi, to receive correctly. So utter aloneness or utter darkness can be taken also as synonyms for samadhi. to have no viewpoints, you can receive correctly. To be utterly alone, that aloneness which you find you're not separated from anything, is samadhi. To receive correctly. To receive correctly also means not to deceive others. So the precepts, of course, are guides in this. Don't lie, don't take what is not given, etc. So the precepts and monastic life are our attempt to get you to realize that you must become, go through that barrier where you no longer have the need to deceive others. There's nothing in your life you need to.

[27:38]

That's all the meaning of sangha is, or saving all sentient beings. If you live in the mountains, you may become someone who has no need to deceive others. But the most direct form of that practice is to be with others in a way which you are not, are expected to not deceive others. I live in the way everybody wants me to and that's still to hide. So we're talking again about that ocean which has waves and is calm. The bright pearl which is also the black mountain cave of demons. So, you should become very familiar, Dogen says, in Zazen you should examine the ten thousand aspects like, is this universe or my posture vertical or horizontal? Is Zazen doing or not doing?

[29:07]

But also you should examine the black mountain cave of demons. What is your own stream of flesh and fantasy? And how much are you willing to sacrifice to protect it? And how many aspects of yourself are there that you don't want to share with others? If you don't want to live under that, even for a couple of years, you don't want to live under the same conditions, same rules, same good. But this is the most direct, surgical way, purifying way. Sadhana is a kind of purification. The Sangha is a kind of purification. Purifying way to reach this area where we want to deceive others. to protect our secret. If you think there's some secret, you know, some future, some area to protect, the world is not one bright pearl, and one bright pearl does not purify you, and zazen does not purify you. Samadhi, to receive correctly, and satori, come

[30:36]

when Gensha stubbed his toe and it broke open bleeding. And he said, this body is a delusion. Where does the pain come from? This is both an insight into himself and also the world being stopped. The world being stopped is another way to express samādhi. Suddenly there was no place to go for him. Bodhidharma did not come to the East, and the second patriarch did not go to India. So it's helpful in this practice to turn yourself more and more over to your heart. Now, I know some of you, particularly the skinny ones, have trouble experiencing your heart. It helps to be a little fat. You need some object there to put your mind in.

[32:02]

Just your backbone is present through your tummy. Pretty hard to identify there. But if you, after a few years of breathing from here, you will have some physical experience of your heart, which will help you to identify with it. And you can try to remind yourself at times, for example, going upstairs. Forget about your feet and your mind, but tell your hara to go upstairs. You'll find out something by this kind of effort. But we want to make our practice very physical, very intimate, even sensual. As I said one Thursday night, you feel the air, you feel the floor, you feel the room and the hall and the stairs and the people and the spaces between the people. I don't mean sensuality of person and person, but sensuality of person and everything.

[33:28]

a kind of tangible mental and physical awareness like swimming down the hall by your heart. Making your practice more gut level like this will help you reach that stream of flesh and fantasy, this private dialogue with your own flesh that you want to see around you, that you say, I'll practice Buddhism completely except I won't give up this dialogue. But as long as you won't give up this dialogue and as long as there's some area of ambivalence, some area of deception of yourself or others. Non-dualism is just some theory. We're not talking about some mental realization of, oh, it must be non-dual, or everything is one. That's ridiculous.

[35:00]

But we're talking about when there is no longer any artificial behavior. When you can stand within, not even, not behind, when you can stand behind or stand within everything you do, it means no longer is there any area in which you deceive others. This is very hard to practice. the hardest practice, the truest practice, truest for us and for others, and the meaning of ordination and sangha, why we had same rules and same conditions and same goods. I hope you understand what I mean. And again, your chance in this satsang to concentrate on, to realize this true practice, light transmission of the Dharma. So don't hesitate. Put yourself fully into this practice.

[36:42]

and examine the many areas you want to protect or you feel some deception is there of yourself or others. I'm not saying, let's have a confessional tonight, but how can you begin to live so that you don't feel this contradiction? So you don't feel this equivocation. It means not just one bright pearl, it means accepting, breathing the cave, the black cave, black mountain cave of demons. and finding out how to live fully. Buddhism is not a way to live just partly or to get rid of some part or to live Buddha's way of life and exclude other ways of life. Buddhist practice is how you yourself can live fully. By zazen practice, by samadhi and satori, these are words we try to

[38:30]

we use to try to express some further dimension beyond some observer or someone who is practising, where suddenly, as Dogen says, you cast off, drop off body and mind. There's no artificial behaviour anymore. When you realize the fruitlessness, the foolishness, the death of trying to deceive others. Protecting some special life for yourself. This is Buddha's way of life.

[39:34]

Buddha is one who has awakened out of that flesh and fantasy, out of that cave of demons. Out of that click which in Zen, Zazen practice turns us off and turns that other dialogue, deceptive, private dialogue on. So you can see by that in practice, it's not just repression, it's more delusion than repression. the fundamental delusion at the root, for some reason, of human life, which enlightenment means you awaken to. And then this delusion, these waves, are

[41:07]

the fundamental working of the universe. But it becomes the fundamental working of you and everything when you no longer deceive others, as Gyancha said, I will never deceive others. And Seppo said, when he said that, Seppo responded and said, Many men, many people harbour this idea. Many people want to say, I will never deceive others, but only Gensha can say it. This is your problem, your koan in this session. Everybody wants to say it, but only Gensha can say it about you.

[42:03]

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