God, so much English. My German is so much better, but I do it in English. I'm born in northern Germany. People actually don't know about that part. It's north of Hamburg, and it's just 50 kilometers wide. It's a half island, and just 110 kilometers long. So it's really a little part in the very north. Its border is to Denmark. And there's nothing, just agriculture. And there I'm born. And it's very flat and very stormy. It's between two oceans. It's between the Atlantic and the Baltic Sea, so a lot of wind and rain. And Sonja once asked me whether I knew very early that I want to become a priest. And then I thought about it later. Yes, I was eight. Then I knew I wanted to become a priest. It's a Protestant area. The whole north of Germany is almost all Protestant.

[01:08]

And we had religion at school one or two hours a week. And the teacher pointed out that there's a program for kids at the church. And I liked the stories they told us during the religion lessons. I liked the stories. And so I asked my mother whether I could go to church. And, yeah, she supported that. I have two brothers and sisters. And there are three older ones and one younger. One sister is younger. And I didn't really grow up in a spiritual way because Protestant, it actually doesn't mean anything. My father wasn't... No, I mean, in northern Germany, I mean, everybody is Protestant and nobody goes to church. I mean, it's like nothing. I don't know how to explain it. Yeah, that's the way it doesn't mean anything. So my brothers and sisters didn't really like it

[02:13]

and didn't understand because they had to give me a ride or walk me to church, right, because I insisted for eight years that I wanted to go there. So I liked the cookies and the stories. And we got little pictures, you know, with... Yeah, so they got my senses. And, yeah, and I stayed with that. My father was an atheist, but he was a giant for me too, but in another way, not about religion. And my mother had just this naive but supporting way of, you know, praying with us at night, you know, sitting at our bed and doing these little prayers. And it felt very comforting. I don't want to make it smaller than it was. I felt very comforted and safe. And later I noticed that it's very important to have, you know. So I, yeah, I thank them very much for that feeling that I had when I grew up,

[03:14]

that I felt taken care of and supported and safe. When I was 12, I had that teacher in religion and French and I liked her very much, so I liked religion and French. And she was the wife of our priest and she got me into work at church, you know, doing social work and homework with kids and writing leaflets about Africa and fair trade. And so all my teen years were actually, you would call it activism. And it was in a lot of areas, like work at church. Then in my clique, the boys were usually two or three years older, so they had read Marx, you know, other socialist and communist writers, and so I read them. And so we were all communists and we wanted justice and food for everybody. And I was not so much an ideologist, but I wanted justice.

[04:19]

So I thought it was right to be communist and socialist. And there were still some results, like we founded the health food store in my little town. It still exists, yeah. And newspapers and later the Green Party, that still exists. And we don't know for how long, but it's still there. And the first free radio. So we did, you know, a lot of political work, organizing all these demonstrations against atomic power and getting beaten up and, yeah. Not me. I mean, that's another part, that I had the feeling that I was safe and, how did I say, taken care of, that in my life I have the feeling that I got away with a lot and that I owe other people a lot. Like when we went to Brockdorf, you know, and people around me got beaten up, it was like the policeman came, pushed me aside to beat up my friends.

[05:22]

It was as if I was invisible, you know. I was never harmed all my life. I always got away with stuff. Yeah. I didn't think that I would tell this, but I once wrote a leaflet, a political one, and another guy went to prison for that. But I didn't know at that time because it wasn't in the newspapers. I didn't know that actually somebody paid for something I did, you know. So I had the feeling that I got away with a lot of stuff and that I owe people, that I owe my parents and I owe friends and colleagues. I had one colleague, for example. And from 17 to 18, I spent one year in Marin County. Redwood High. I know, close to Green Gulch, but I didn't go to Green Gulch then. It was more getting into drugs and, you know. It's important too. So... When I went back to Germany, I didn't fit in anymore,

[06:28]

that he affected me that much. I did go back to school. Actually, I would have had another one and a half years, so, yeah. And I just went half a year, and then I couldn't fit in anymore. It was so tight and, you know, going, yeah. I didn't make it, and I knew, no, I don't need that. So I started working and decided to travel, making money and travel. And I dropped out of school. I was 18, so my parents couldn't do anything. And I came back from that traveling. Yeah, I was around 20. On my 20s, there was a whole shift from activism, from political activism to art, because I went to drama school for three years. And started acting and dancing. You won't believe it, tap dancing. Well...

[07:29]

Oh, oh! Oh, gosh, all my secrets. And, yeah, I went three years to a drama school, but somehow, I mean, I liked it and I enjoyed it, but somehow I had the feeling, let's not leave yet. And then I heard of a directing school in Vienna, and actually I wanted to go to Frankfurt. There was a dance theatre school, and I want, you know, people with Pina Bausch, people might know her name, and Susanne Dinkel, and I thought I would apply for that. And I thought, oh, I go to Vienna, you know, on my way down to Italy, and I take that test, and then I know what they ask me in Frankfurt. Ha, ha, ha. So it was like a run-through, a try. Yeah. And I went to Vienna and took that test, and they took me. They accepted me for directing. And I didn't plan it, but the moment it happened and it was,

[08:33]

I was accepted, I knew I had to do it. I mean, it's the most famous school in Germany for German theatre. It's in Vienna. I knew it's a chance. I didn't know where it would lead to because I had just, I didn't plan it. So I had my boyfriend in Germany and my family and my flat and everything, so I went back from Vienna to Kiel, gave everything up in two days and moved to Vienna. And two days later the school started, and that I did for four years. I studied directing and directed and got more and more into art. And that was a big shift, you know, from the Protestant agriculture north and political north to a Catholic country like Austria. For you it might be also like the same because in both countries they speak German, but it is quite a stretch. It's more conservative in one way and, you know,

[09:37]

the men would kiss your hand. I had to get used to that. Not all of them, but it could happen. So you always had to be prepared and have, you know, clean nails. God, it was so embarrassing. Oh, gosh. Yeah, and, you know, the professors and people, they wanted that you, you know, call their title, I had to get used to that. And actually it was the first time I was away from my home, I mean, except in Marin County, but even there I had that family surrounding. And in Vienna suddenly all my support system was gone, no car, you know, and everything was new. And that was pretty tough and no money. That was very hard. But I went to school from the morning to night, so there wasn't even time to get jobs and make some money. So my parents supported me until I was 28, until I had finished school.

[10:41]

So my 20s were all in theater. And in my 30s, I mean, there was always the seeking for, I mean, I read Christian mystics, and I had, of course, all the Catholic friends in Austria, and they were into religion. And it's a very religious country, and the religion is there in everyday life, you know. It's present all the time. It's not like northern Germany at all. And I liked it. It spoke to me. And I think because I didn't grow up in a Catholic country, I had no resentment, so I could look at it more openly. And so I got to know the Christian mystics. And finally, I read a book by David Stein last about gratitude. And then I thought, yeah, there are Christians who have another way and who can express it in our language of today. And yeah, that's it. Then I heard that he founded a place not far from where I lived then, Salzburg,

[11:48]

a little monastery. And yeah, I got a program, and then I read, there are expectations over New Year's, and I thought I'd check that out. And again, I thought he would be there, right, because he founded the place. So I thought I would go to a Christian contemplation over New Year's, and it was a Buddhist New Year's session. But I didn't. Because, well, in the program, it said, like, soji and kinhin, and I had no idea, right? So I went, and it was led by Paul Disko, who was, or still is, can I say? Yeah, he is a Zen center priest. He had built the Zen Do and was, yeah, was around. So he was leading that session, and Vanya Palmas, of course, who became my teacher later. He was the co-founder of the Darwizschen Rast. They call it an economical center for Christians and Buddhists, actually for all religions, everybody who wants to, say it again?

[12:50]

Ecumenical. Not economical. Although it is. It is, as much as we are. Yeah, and I sat down. Everything looked really strange and black, but, just like now. But it had something, and I sat down, and the next session was the first time in my life I felt at home. I crossed my legs, and I still have that feeling. I sit down, cross my legs, and I am coming home. And I was so excited, also like now. You know, my heart was going like that all the time. And I was just so grateful, and I didn't know what to do, because I'd never read anything, I didn't know anything about meditation. So I was thinking and singing in my mind, you know, because I had no idea what to do. And I thought, yeah, I thought it was about doing right. Now we know better. And it took me about 12 years. Yeah, it was just great.

[13:54]

And I stayed. It was supposed to be four days. I stayed two weeks. And I think I never left. In the next decade, I went as much as I could. And it was, yeah, my 30s were between half a year. It was almost half a year I did theater and did money, and the other half of the year I went to retreats, sessions, different places. I came here in 96. To Tassajara for, I think it was even then, three-week work period in September. More than now. And then I went to Green Gorge for two practice periods, 96, 97, with Norman Fisher, then January with Rev. No, they led it together. And I knew I would come back for another six, seven years or so. So in the 30s, yeah, there was a lot of theater, and all my interest and ideas about spirituality went into theater.

[15:01]

That was my means somehow. We made plays about stories from the Bible, about the Book of Living and Dying, about communication between men and women, about Jonah and the whale, and also very, again, a lot of social work. We founded the Kleene Doctors, you know, the clowns, the actors who go to hospitals, and we founded a reminiscence theater in Vienna. I worked with young people, drug addicts, and we made train spotting. We did train spotting. Contrast. Yeah, so I had the feeling that it all came together, all my interests and love, because I really liked working with people and doing theater and creating things. And still, I had the feeling at one point, now I want to shift, even half, half, you know,

[16:04]

half theater and maybe half of the year in retreats. I want to do this, what we do now, 100%. At one time, I want... Yeah, I had the feeling I had to do it. I want to do it. I had to do it. And... Yeah, it was in 2002 I got ordained by Vanya. Gubanchino had died. Gubanchino was Vanya's teacher, and usually they did ordinations together, but he had died one month. He came over for the summer retreats and for my ordination, and then a month, he died in Switzerland before he could... He ordained me in August 2002, three years ago. And... Yeah, at the beginning of 2002,

[17:06]

I had lived another four months at Green Gorge to see whether I really wanted to apply for the priest training. And I knew already I wanted to, but I thought, no, I couldn't. Look how it is, another four months, going to Green Gorge. It was fine, and I talked to people, yeah, I can come back. In August I was ordained, and then I finished all my theater work until October. Then I moved to Green Gorge in October 2002. Yeah, and since then I'm sort of around. Then John once said, it would be nice, it would be what keeps us going. And... Well, two things came up to my mind immediately. One was joy, which I don't know where it comes from, and the other is trust, which I know where it comes from. What I mentioned before, like from my parents, it started very early,

[18:08]

and I know not everybody has that. And I was very impressed by my father, too. I mean, he was not... You know, we were working class, and he was not as famous, but it was... In his way, he was so... I know that I was impressed by the things he said, and the older I become, I thought, oh, wow, they were so Zen. Actually, everything was there. Why didn't I see that before? You know, it's amazing. So, I remember when I was 12 or something, I had already a social consciousness, so I know it was about 12. My mother would argue with him because he used to give away once in a while all his money. You know, they would get their payment every two weeks, and he drank, too. I mean, I don't have to hide, but he gave money to everybody who knocked at our door, you know, and the people knew.

[19:09]

So... So, there were still some homeless, you know, like lost people from the war. Yeah, still in the late 60s, early 70s, and, you know, they were lost. They still thought it is war, so they had still all the packs and everything. But, of course, you know, he opens the door and gives them the money, and my mother would say, how can you do that? You know, already seven, eight people, I mean, five kids, the two of them, and my grandmother, father's mother, lived with us, so we were really a lot of people, and always all my friends at our house eating, so we were a lot of people. And he gave that money away, and she said, how can you do that? You know, we really don't have anything. We never have anything, you know. We don't have... We don't have anything ourselves, and he said, stop it.

[20:11]

We have everything we need, and even more. We all have consciousness. And I stood there, you know, and thought, that sounds good. I can relate to that. I felt somehow in my heart, he's right, and that was my feeling inside. We had everything, you know. It was a small flat, but all the life was happening, you know, in our little flat, and it was a good life. Yeah. The sense of self. It starts to loosen it up. To me, it's... Well, it's a super sense, you know. It's perfectly studied. Nowhere in the mix of all that is... Trust. Yeah. So in my parents, trust in people. I lived all my life, actually, in communities, you know, and... And in a sense, spaces... So communities... All have a similar... And teachers, and teams, also in theater. I mean, theater work was for me, working with people and teams, so... Trust in people was always very...

[21:13]

Supporting for me. And then the trust in my inner voice, that sometimes the call was so strong that I just knew. I leave Germany and go to Vienna, and I leave Vienna, or... Or I was going from one day to another and go to Brno. It was so strong that I actually didn't have to decide. It was decided already. So following that voice and trusting that voice, you know... Trusting that voice, I got a lot... Around a lot of trouble, you know. I was never involved in accidents, or things like that, because I always got hints before what I should do. And I followed, and... Yeah. And now it's the teachings, or a phrase, or a word, or one situation with you guys. There's so much teaching, and it's so inspiring. Yeah, and I have trust in that. So I do have a lot of trust, for sure. Because once I said, oh, now I know that I can sit and I don't have to do anything, you know, after 12 years. And he said, didn't you have trust before?

[22:14]

I said, no. So I did have a lot of trust in people and everything, but not that I... You know, I didn't trust that it was enough that we sit and relax and try to be in awareness, you know. So now I can have trust in that, too. And... Yeah, and now my life is a bit more quiet. I want to do that 100% too, you know, in us. Body and mind deeply. More apparent. Thank you.

[22:45]

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