Good evening. I'd like to thank all of you for coming. Those of you who enjoy my talks, but particularly those of you who have problems with me, I really appreciate your coming. Because, after all, that's what the Sangha is about. I've been thinking about giving a talk like this for quite a while, but the time never seemed right. And the time probably isn't right now, but let me start off with a koan. Nansen saw monks of the eastern and western halls quarreling over a cat. He held up the cat and said, If you give an answer, you will save the cat. If not, I will kill it.

[01:21]

No one could answer, and Nansen cut the cat in two. That evening, Joshu returned and Nansen told him of the incident. Joshu took off his sandal, placed it on his head, and walked out. If you had been there, you would have saved the cat, Nansen remarked. I actually only want to talk about the first part of the case, and I'm not even sure what I'm going to be talking about has anything to do with the case. But maybe it does. Nansen saw monks of the eastern and western halls quarreling about a cat. Traditionally, at least in some traditions in China, the eastern half of the hall was the kind of administration, the rokuchiji, the senior staff, and the other side of the hall was the practitioners who

[02:28]

spent their time doing zazen and intensive practice. Of course, the gene pools of these people often switched, but at any given time, you were usually on one side or the other, and they were quarreling. Does this sound familiar? You know, actually, Tony encouraged me when he talked about jealousy in the last lecture on Wednesday night. I don't know why we're like this, but if we're in a serious relationship, we wish we weren't. If we're not in a relationship, we wish we are. If we're a resident, we think how much easier the non-residents have it. If we're a non-resident, we're envious of the residents for the easy life they have. If we work for Zen Center, we say, this is terrible, I don't make any

[03:32]

money and I slave all the time. If you don't work for Zen Center, oh, they have it so easy working for Zen Center. They're doing something that they like and it's meaningful. It's crazy. One version of this koan is, nansen, cut the cat in one, not in two. Traditionally, you know, in Buddhism, we talk about the fourfold Sangha. The ordained monks, the nuns, the lay men and lay women. And a lot of stories put on them being harmonious and respecting each other and how much they all need each other. And yet, I bet there was jealousy and disharmony. And yet the two halls were quarreling about a cat. Now whether it was a cat, you know

[04:39]

this story, some people say they wanted, each one wanted ownership of the cat. And some say they were quarreling over whether there should be a cat. But this is not about a cat. This is about our life. This is about how we understand what we're doing. This is about cutting ourselves off. Why do we do it? You know, those of us who practice here for a long time develop, and yet we still have many problems, which you may have noticed. And the more we progress, the more responsibility we're given. And the more expectations we have of ourselves and you have of us. And you may believe and we may believe that this

[05:45]

is not about each one of your practices. You may believe that being a resident is more important than being a non-resident. You may believe that your needs are essential, and they are. But what about others? You know, in this community, which I so love and have spent the better part of my life in, terrible things have been done to me in the community, and I have done terrible things. And I wholeheartedly forgive those who have wronged me, and I hope that you will forgive me if I've wronged you. We need to work together, no matter

[06:50]

which side, the East side or the West side is right or wrong or owns the cat. The cat is everyone's possession and no one's possession. We have a session coming up, and I would ask of you to drop where you're coming from and just be. You know, I think we've heard many of us come from difficult situations, and it's not surprising that we bring our difficult situations here. Where else are we going to bring them if we come here? And I don't say that this place is for everyone. If you feel you need to leave or it's not time for you now,

[07:55]

or you need to do another practice, I support it. But let us support everyone, and let us try to get beyond our histories. Recognize our histories, not deny it. Recognize the patterns in which we deal with people and people deal with us, and keep going beyond it. You know, several years ago, Reb wrote something about me in a preface, which I said, you know, I really didn't deserve that praise. And he said, no, but there's some things you should be praised about that you haven't been. And sometimes we're criticized in the same way.

[08:57]

Sometimes the things that we're criticized about are actually our own courageous attempt to make a suggestion to someone. And sometimes we're off. And sometimes we take on compassionate practices, but we use it as a bolster to bolster our own ego that we're practicing better than the other person is practicing. It's terrible. It's terrible. And yet, I don't know a better community. I'm not, I don't want to be anyplace else. You know, the world is both amazing and spectacular. It's just incredible. And it's a black pit in which everyone's selfish interest

[10:18]

compounds. And everyone's trying to be the better person. The better Buddha. So I would challenge you. If you think that somebody else has it better off than you or that you're being, or you have it worse than everybody else, either one, I challenge you to look at that. Maybe it's true. And you know,

[11:21]

there are other things. Sometimes people tell me, men or women, that they feel that people try to glom onto them for sexual reasons. And some people want to be, well, they're not sexual and they're holier than anybody else. Make your choices and don't put them on other people. And no matter where you are in the community, you're in your own place. You're in your own Buddha field. Don't put yourself down and don't glorify

[12:28]

yourself. Be honest with yourself. You know, the two qualities I think I admire most in practitioners, is that how smart you are. The East Side was very smart about what was wrong with the West Side, and the West Side was very smart about what was wrong with the East Side, and they were both right. Humbug. Your left side of your body can't exist without the right side. What did I distract myself with? Two qualities, thank you. Two qualities are rigorous honesty with yourself. And rigorous honesty with yourself does not mean to put yourself down, and it doesn't mean to find out how you're one-ups somebody

[13:35]

else. It means to see the way you are directly, as painfully as it is, but without adding curlicues of extra criticism or whatever. And the third is to take care of yourself and have the endurance to keep going. And that sometimes means a time out. It sometimes means saying, I can't do this now. I'm saying all these things because I believe this is the best place I've ever lived. And I'm very grateful. But I get very concerned. I get very

[14:51]

concerned about how we treat each other, the stories we tell each other about ourselves and other people. And it's my experience that the more the community grows and learns and develops, we hit the next series of problems. We hit the next area that we need to grow and learn and open our hearts to. We don't need to cut the cat in two. We're on the east and west sides. We've already cut the cat in two. And of course, for those of us who have been in the

[15:57]

community for a long time, we understand the shortcomings of our fellow practitioners as they understand our shortcomings. And that does not mean that we can't help and say, you know, you sure you're doing that? You know, it seems to me that you're, and maybe we're right and maybe we're wrong. We take that gamble. The vows that we're about to take to save all sentient beings are ambitious. But the only way we can be ambitious is if we stay with our modesty. And you know, even this talk may look like I'm pointing fingers, but I don't mean to be

[17:05]

pointing fingers in any one direction, but in all directions. Avalokiteshvara, I hope that each one of us takes our own responsibility and our own inventory. And we ask our friends to help us. If we're avoiding talking to somebody, then what's going on? If people are avoiding talking to us, what's going on? If we say prayers for someone, are we really saying prayers for them and for ourselves and for the whole situation? Or are we bolstering ourselves up to say, oh, we have a religious practice? Humbug. I know I have a lot to learn. And this community has helped me to learn what I have.

[18:21]

But, you know, our habits of mind are very strong. The cliques we form, the people we demonize who are different than ourselves. And usually there's some justification. I mean, it's not like, But to hell with justification. And I want to emphasize that if you're feeling vulnerable and need help, you should honor that. And I honor that. The Visuddhimagga, the first lines of it are, which is written in the 6th century,

[19:50]

the inner tangle and the outer tangle. This generation is in a tangle. How do we untangle the tangle? Our ancestors have been saying this for many years. And still there's a tangle. But let's help each other with the tangle. Even if we have criticisms of each other, let's come from the place of appreciating the difficulties we're coming from, appreciating the storylines that we've come from and the storylines that we tell ourselves that we have. And let's not, as much as we can, and I'm not saying it's easy, I'm not saying that we won't make mistakes, but let's respect other people's space and other people's needs.

[20:58]

You know, we had this Soto Zen conference, and there's been about a zillion Soto Zen conferences in the past 20 years, and they're getting better because we're getting to know each other a little bit and trust each other a little bit. And we're not so interested in emphasizing how different we all are. You know, if you're an academic, you get points by telling how different you are, how your understanding is different and better. So we're not doing that as much. But one of the interesting, maybe the most interesting part of the conference was Taikensan. We were interested in talking about training, how we train. And Taikensan said, well let me, he was asked to talk about how monks were trained in Japan, or how he was trained in Japan, how he was trained in Japan at a particular time, in

[22:06]

a particular setting. Not the only way that training happens in Japan. It was very interesting. He said basically they were thrown into a situation with a hundred other monks, they were given very little training about the rules, and they were thrown back on themselves. And then when they messed up, which probably wasn't that infrequent, they were given feedback. And he said very quickly they became very strong and reliant, self-reliant. And very quickly they, never mind, maybe this is getting off the point. And I don't mean to say that the way that people are trained in Japan is the way we

[23:17]

should train, though I think there's quite a lot to learn from it. But we should, maybe I'm just being redundant now. So, once again, for all those people who I feel have wronged me or done me wrong, I hope to let go of it and to appreciate them. May they do the same for me, those who I feel that I've wronged them. And the sushin is coming soon, and let's do our best.

[24:18]

I can't even find my sleeve. So, in the wondrousness of this shining world, and in the darkest hours of the pits of everyone's suffering building upon each other, let's continue our practice being compassionate

[25:31]

to ourselves and everyone, being kind to ourselves and to others, and for us to treat others just as we want them to treat us. Thank you.

[25:55]

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