Actually, oops. Did you have to? It's odd to give an evening talk with it so light outside, don't you think? If you fall asleep, it's okay. You can go to sleep. You're all tired. Matter of fact, hopefully I won't talk too long. Mm-hmm. I understand totally. All right, let me get to it here. What I want to say is this, our path, is the middle way. You've heard that before. And I am going to give sort of a talk a little bit about one side of the middle way, but we should know that whatever I speak about, there is always the other side, and we shouldn't forget Sometimes we are happy, and sometimes we are sad.

[01:06]

And neither one of those is the truth. Sometimes we understand, and sometimes we are totally confused. And neither one of those is the truth. The truth is in the middle, just living life. Right? Depending on nothing, not even the practice, nothing at all. So, with that said, what I've been experiencing lately is a lot of resistance to what is actually happening. As a child, I had a formative experience which made me imagine that if I were in a vulnerable situation, certain vulnerable situations, that I would be massively hurt. And, of course, I have recreated that very situation over and over again in my life, as we all do, because we need to be free of the very karma that is causing us the most suffering.

[02:24]

So for many years I set up situations that would distract me from the possibility of feeling that fundamental betrayal. The resistance I'm feeling lately has to do with the consequence of not allowing me to feel that original pain. What I do to protect myself from that which I think is outside that may hurt me is subtle. It's a kind of a gossamer veil that I can feel, and probably you can too. Just slight. It's real subtle. But I'm just slightly removed. Physically, it's a kind of a contraction, I feel, in my body. And it's extremely painful to me. It's actually more painful to me than The thing I'm trying to not feel so pained about, which by this time was only an imagination, so it's really dumb.

[03:39]

But that's what we do, and that is anyway what I do. So this is an example of resistance and also how to create suffering on top of the pain that is just actually happening. So it's a kind of resistance to just what is happening. I want to speak tonight about separation and pain in the context of the precepts. The precepts are about how not to suffer about the way things actually are. Thank you. The precepts are about how not to suffer

[04:42]

about the way things actually are. And the way things actually are, they are three marks. Buddha said that everything has three marks of existence. Suffering, impermanence, change, and no self or other. It says no self, but I added the other. And in fact, impermanence and no self are emptiness. So we can think of it that way too. But it says in the early texts, through remarks, suffering, impermanence, and no self. The first one, suffering, the kind of pain that I'm talking about tonight, there are lots of kinds of pain, right? But the one I want to go to tonight is the fundamental pain of separation, the fundamental pain called thirsting desire that Categoria talks about in his book. Thirsting desire. Thirsting desire. And that thirsting desire is at the core of our human existence.

[05:50]

It never goes away. It is the sense we feel that life is not quite enough, that it's not completely satisfying on the most fundamental level. What a shame. But it is the nature of who we are. It is the way our mind works. Our mind separates us and creates things, self and other. It's just who we are. It's kind of the great thing, but it's also the condition of our suffering. Usually we avert from feeling this thirst. But at night, just before you're going to sleep, in your bed, you're lying there, you can feel this kind of doubt about life. I don't know, maybe it's, you know, I don't think I like it so much. You know, there's some real question about it, about whether it's really enough.

[06:51]

it is a sense of separation, and it is a yearning that we have to be reunited. It's sweet. And it's always there. It's always with us. I only have four pages, so you can watch me turn. This is one, one band. How am I doing? So, like the movie said, what if And this situation actually is as good as it gets. I think we ought to consider that. When I was young, There was a wonderful singer, a woman singer. Her name was Peggy Lee. Do you remember Peggy Lee? She was great. Every good as good as Frank Sinatra, actually. She was a jazz singer, and she sang a song, Fever.

[07:58]

Remember Fever? All right, so that's not the word I'm talking about. Sorry. The one I'm talking about was called, Is That All There Is? Remember that one? It goes, is that all there is? Then let's keep dancing. Does anybody know the tune? I forgot the tune. Let's keep dancing. Who, where? So bring out the blues and have something of all. Because if that's all there is. When I heard that song, I really thought about it. I really thought about it. I thought to myself, that's really kind of a cop-out. I mean, what kind of life is that? Drink. But you know, the thing of it is, that's exactly what many of us do. We don't want to go there. Is this really all there is? Well, in that case, I'll get drunk.

[08:58]

I'll have a nice time. I'll deny this pain. I'll be distracted by TV. I'll work real hard. I'll work 40 to 50 hours a week. I'm not having a problem. But my experience over the years is that each moment is actually all there is, and our response to that is what makes heaven or hell a misery, a miserable situation. Today I was talking with Shari. We talk every day. And she had a book, Trungpa book. He's a great teacher. And we said it was curious that I was going to talk tonight anyway. And she pointed out a part in the book that says, there is this fundamental dis-ease. And he says, the pain never goes away, never goes. And then he says, and we will never be happy. Isn't that great?

[10:00]

Completely hopeless. This really is our life. This is it. It's true. This is the first noble truth. The first noble truth is that there is suffering. There really is. But we're not accepting this truth. We allow ourselves to live as we'd like things to be, constantly adjusting and readjusting ourselves and what is around us for our own comfort, completely dismissing and even forgetting about the precepts. We don't pay any attention to them. How do I know? Because we kill things, we misuse sexuality, we steal, we lie, we slander. Yeah, isn't it great?

[11:02]

We hate all of this stuff. We do all of this stuff. Why? Because we ignore this fundamental pain of suffering. of ourselves and other people. So we allow ourselves to hide behind all of this not doing the precepts because we ignore this pain. We don't do the precepts so that we get to try to get happy and try to push away what's unhappy. That's what makes us not do the precepts because we ignore this truth that there's suffering. Give up. The second mark is no self or other. The no self or other I'm talking about here is the belief in thinking that there's separation. When I'm in pain, I'm caught in this belief. There's no question about it. So that's why it's a little bit embarrassing.

[12:06]

Wherefore, I must manipulate the other in order to satisfy and secure myself. That's what I think. It's obvious that one cannot even begin to take care of the precepts when one believes in the fundamental ignorance of the separation between self and other. You can't. When I think that there is actually something to possess, or steal, or slander, or harbor ill will against, or misuse sexuality, or that I am in fact being hurt only by something that's outside of me. Somebody else is wrong. You know that one? I'm actually putting a veil between myself and the truth of the way things actually are. In order not to do the precepts, we must ignore the very nature of our lives.

[13:13]

And that is not doing number 10. That's disparaging the three treasures, if we do that. The precepts are in here all the time, giving us a clue, turning us toward the truth all the time, giving us clues all the time, where our self comes up, where we feel separate, The third mark is impermanence, that everything changes. And for that one, if you're in a relationship or even relating to... We're always in relationships, but we're always avoiding relationships, actually. But it's usually with people that we ignore this third mark. With people, we think that a person actually is something, and we can possess them, or we can put them in a box.

[14:16]

We have certain ideas about them that we don't give up because we know are right about them, completely ignoring that the person is constantly changing. And we think we can be in control. That's completely ridiculous, you know. The world is changing at a speed beyond what we can even imagine. In a vastness that we, you know, it's way beyond what we can actually even begin to think about. And then, look at the hubris here, you know. We think that we can control something. Isn't that cute? Isn't that amazing? The entire, the whole thing I mean, it's huge. And we think we're going to control something. Isn't that? I mean, it's so sweet, human beings, you know? It's kind of a joke. Our lives really are acted out in such a small stage.

[15:18]

If we see it in this way, this is the precept. You can't kill anything. This is looking at the first precept from the point of view of this hugeness. It can't be killed. It's just going on and on and on and on. I could go on a nice tangent here about the environment, but one time, I will, one time I saw the Newsweek, the cover of a Newsweek magazine, and it said, you know, it was panicked. The Earth is, you know, the Earth is going to be destroyed. The environment is being polluted. And I looked at the cover and I thought to myself, no, no, no, no, that's not even close. The Earth is going to keep right on going. It's human beings are not going to make it, right? But the Earth is going to keep right on going. Something will happen. It might not look like what we know, but it'll definitely be there in some way. I'm going to skip this story. This story was an embarrassment to me, so I won't tell it to you this time.

[16:32]

Okay. I went to a movie. This is about grasping. I went to, and permanence, dependent co-arising. I went to a movie, a showing, a benefit for a movie, well, a movie benefit, like I said. And, you know, there was a buffet table, and it was kind of fancy, and there was wine, and And I was doing really fine, feeling very grounded in myself until I saw the table of food. Actually, that's not the truth. I saw a cookie. I am a connoisseur of cookies, I want you to know. I really appreciate a good cookie. But I tried to avoid them. I really tried to avoid cookies, especially lately. But anyway, I was not trying to avoid this cookie. It was a very good looking cookie.

[17:37]

I think I thought it really had potential. When I was hungry and I was not with anybody, I was by myself, and I was feeling just slightly, a little bit too much by myself, and I didn't know where to put my body. So I thought what I would do is put it a little bit at the table, right at the table. However, I didn't stop there. I reached for the cookie. However, right in front of me, there was this boy who was about 12 years old. He was standing there. He was a big, wide boy. Just as I reached for the cookie, I had a glass of red oil in my other hand, and he rolled back and he bumped against me. This was very sophisticated. I want you to know it was close. It was very sophisticated. A lot of art people and stuff. And so he bumped up against me. Of course, the almost full cup of red wine I spilled all over the buffet table, white cloth. And I looked at it and I thought to myself, oh, first the boy in his sweetness, he turned to me and he apologized profusely.

[18:47]

And I said, oh, you know. Don't worry about it, of course. But actually, it was completely my fault. So why am I telling you this story? I forgot. I forgot why. Thank you. Oh, you know, I didn't even take the cookie because I felt so badly afterward, actually. I felt so badly because there I was standing there. I was really humiliated.

[19:48]

It's good to be humiliated. Because your small self, your little ego self that can make up all these stories about whatever it is, it really, it just squishes when you're humiliated. So it's very good to be humiliated. You can really feel your little self just kind of melting. So I stood there and I watched myself melt. And I thought I was sophisticated. And then I watched these words go through my head. You know, you thought you were sophisticated. And there you were. See, you couldn't even keep your hand away from the cookie. And then you're speeding. You just went over there. You just totally ignored this little kid. And you're going to feel very apparently. Some sophisticated person. You turned up. And you just went on and on and on. Just sitting there listening. And finally, excuse me, this is too much.

[20:49]

I have a tangent. I have to get back here. Let's see. When we see impermanence and no self or other, we understand that we can't grasp anything. See? There went the cookie. So we don't cling to anything, knowing that to do so brings suffering. And it's always good, I recommend, it's always good to not hold on before the world makes you let go. Do you know what I mean? There's a really big difference. It's really good to not hold on before the world smashes you. So anyway, we have to settle down into this reality of no self or other and impermanence. And this is emptiness. It's good to have that close, to keep it close. In Buddhism, we often put emphasis on being free, on acquiring a presence.

[21:55]

Be now, be here now. or a way of knowing that remains unswayed by the shifting conditions of life. In Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind, Suzuki Roshi said, it's not to be happy. That's not what we're about. What we're about, what the point is, I'm paraphrasing, the point is to make yourself peaceful and to know how to stick to it. It's not to be happy. It's to make yourself peaceful. We need to develop a strong mind with an awareness that doesn't cling or resist anything. You know, I'm giving this talk to me, right? I have to remember. When we are having trouble with the precepts, it means that we're being caught up with and controlled by various preoccupations with the conditions of life, we're believing the content of our thoughts and emotions, rather than resting in the awareness that is not pulled or pushed by that content.

[23:12]

That way of living, it doesn't work. We're always building up our image and trying to be safe, but there's no way that we can control conditions And if our happiness depends on certain conditions, then we're setting ourselves up for misery. Don't you think? It's really true. To follow the precepts with mindfulness helps us to discover, appreciate, and strengthen a presence we all have that is independent of duality, gain or loss, fame or not, wealth or poor, happy, sad, failure or success. It's a deeper willingness that is just present, open, and clearly observing each moment. This awareness is available to all of us.

[24:16]

It is who we are. We can be confident in that. In order to develop such an awareness, we have to be dedicated to the precepts. and to mindfulness and to inquiry. I'm skipping. That's okay. We're going to be short. Yes. Lately, my brother has turned out to be my confessor. It's wonderful. We've turned out to be friends. It's a great blessing. So I was telling him about my life lately, and he's reminding me that what is happening is exactly what's supposed to be happening, because it already is, and that my job is to surrender to it.

[25:27]

He doesn't mean make or weak surrender. No, he means a surrender out of courage. It really takes a lot of courage. The courage to face what my life actually is, not being in control of it, but allowing it to flow and then staying current. Not making up the past, not making up stories, not leaping into the future. No. Just not holding on, but staying really present and current. The last time I was with Issan, we were talking in his living room, and he told me the same thing. He said the most important point was to surrender, to ask myself if what is happening is actually okay.

[26:33]

It's a real interesting question. Is it okay to have this loss? Is it okay to have this illness? Is it okay to be 10 pounds heavier than I want to be? I'm not getting personal. Is it okay not to feel loved? Is that okay? Is it not okay to love? Is it okay not to love? Is it okay to be studying Zen and not understand anything? Is that okay? Is it okay finally to be me? Really? Okay. In order for life to be okay, we must surrender our expectations, our ideas of how things ought to be, and honestly look at how things really actually are.

[27:41]

This is compassion, you know, great compassion for yourself and for everybody. It is said that when mindful awareness matures enough that we are refreshed by awakening, then we no longer take this conditioned world to be the sole center of our universe. We don't identify our small self with the passing flux of emotion thought. This taste of the unconditioned helps us to follow the precepts as we are no longer reactively grasping or averting from what we think will make us happy or safe. Hopefully, if we work at it, it is said compassion will grow in us and our heart will widen, seemingly to include everything. within itself. This is true.

[28:46]

We all have moments of this. We know it's true. So that is my effort, and that is my talk to myself tonight. I am more grateful to you than you know for your practicing and for me practicing with you. Thank you very much. you should know.

[29:42]

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