Dancing Light Open Heart. We were able to demonstrate some of that this morning. Ellen is a professional dancer for a few years. Good morning. How's the sound? It's good? Okay. So on this almost fall morning I wanted to talk about attachment and preference and aversion and these are sort of the most basic teachings of Buddhism and I circle around them

[01:20]

you know, endlessly, year after year. And I'm going to begin my talk by reading something from a long and famous poem called the Xin Xin Ming, or Trust in Mind or Faith in Mind. And I, you know, ran across this poem kind of well into my Zen life. It's actually a poem that's very well known and read as kind of, well, actually chanted, like we chant the Heart Sutra or the Sando Kai, and some Zen centers, they chant this poem regularly, but we don't do that here. And I hadn't really read it until maybe 15 years ago. I first ran across it and it was one of those things that sort of like, wept me up. It was like, you know, I couldn't

[02:25]

figure it out or anything, but it seemed right and true to me and, you know, kind of like a line in the sand. And I've been circling around it for the last 15 or 20 years. And so I'll share some of my thoughts. I'm not going to read the whole poem. It's quite long, but I will read the first several lines of it. And it's a good start. So it begins, the great way is not difficult for those who have no preferences. When love and hate are both absent, everything becomes clear and undisguised. Make the smallest distinction, however, and heaven and earth are set infinitely apart. If you wish to see the truth, then hold no opinions for or against anything. To set up what you like against what you dislike is the disease of the mind.

[03:28]

When the deep meaning of things is not understood, the mind's essential peace is disturbed to no avail. The way is perfect, like vast space where nothing is lacking and nothing is in excess. So as I say, I sort of ran up against that, and I'll just tell you a little bit of the background. I'm not a scholar or a historian, but I have read some about it. The poem was written in China in the 6th century, and it was written by the third Chan or Chinese ancestor. So Bodhidharma brought Buddhism to China from India. He was the first ancestor, the first Chinese ancestor, and then Taiso Eka, Daisho, we chant these, and then Kanchi Sosan, Daisho, and

[04:33]

that's the person that this poem is attributed to, although, you know, some people think other people added to it after it got written in later times, so it's a little unclear. And not very much is known about this, the author of this poem. He was a Zen or a Chan master and he's referred to as Sen Kan in Chinese, or that's a Chinese translation of his name. or the translation of his Chinese name, I guess. And it was a time when, you know, there's been a lot written about sort of how Buddhism came to China and that it was a time of sort of upheaval and that Daoism had sort of plowed the field for for Buddhism in China, and so that when Buddhism came, it sort of blended with Taoist philosophy and that kind of evolved into what we think of as Chan or Zen Buddhism.

[05:47]

So, people kind of compare it to, you know, how things have been in the West or for the last, you know, 40 or so years where, you know, during the 60s, there was a lot of sort of upheaval and change and it kind of was fertile ground for Buddhism when it came. And it's evolved, you know, in ways that are very different from, you know, what was originally brought here. And so there's that comparison and sort of an interesting anyway, it's interesting to read about all this. I found it very interesting. And the poem itself, which I say is quite long, is called a poem of realization or awareness. And so it's sort of an expression of, you know, awakening and or a moment of awakening. And, you know, it is kind of like

[06:57]

radical in that way, you know, that it really does express that moment, I think. And so, still, you know, the first few lines, you know, the great way is not difficult for those who have no preferences is a little bit of a challenge for those of us who do have them. And, you know, the question is sort of, well, how do we practice with this? And, You know, I would say, you know, one way that we practice, one interesting way is to sort of, you know, practice with containing ourselves a little bit. And one way we do that is in session. we sort of narrow down our choices and sort of, you know, kind of limit what we can choose and pick and choose and what we, you know, the choices that we have.

[08:00]

And another way that we do it, or I do it, is when I go backpacking. And I've been backpacking a long time and other people have talked about it. Here, Leslie talked about it on Monday very eloquently. And there are wonderful things about backpacking that are not exactly what I'm going to talk about. There's being in nature and getting exercise and the quiet and all those things are really special. But I'm going to talk about sort of the way that it narrows one's choices. And as I say, I've been backpacking quite a long time. I started when I went with my parents who were very enthusiastic backpackers. And my husband and I took our children and we often went with my sister and her family. And now I don't have so many people to go backpacking with, lots of people.

[09:03]

my age don't want to go or have stopped. And my children have sort of outstripped me by quite a lot. So I often now go with my sister. And since we've been doing it a long time, we have it kind of down to a kind of an art, the way we do it. And the first thing we do is we decide where we're going and kind of This always wasn't the case, but now you have to get a permit for the campsite that you're going to sleep at. So you figure out how far you can hike and where you're going to stay, and then you get a permit for that place. And that's where you're going to stay because you don't have a permit for any other campsite. And then in terms of clothing, you know, partly because we don't want to carry too many things, we narrow that down a lot. So we carry a few extra pairs of socks and we just take one pair of pants and, you know, some extra underwear and one extra shirt.

[10:13]

you know, than our polypropylene warm underwear and our fleece and our rain gear and maybe a hat. So not very many things. And then food is the other thing that we really try to narrow down. And so, you know, we've kind of figured it all out. We take half a cup of granola for each morning and some you know, powdered milk and some nuts. And then for lunch, we have two ounces of cheese each and five crackers. I mean, we really have nerds. And dinner is like these packaged meals. But so, you know, it is similar in a lot of ways to Session that you don't get to decide very many things. I mean, you know, there's some like when to stop and rest, but once you get going, you're probably going to go to where you decided to end up, you know, unless there's a snowstorm or, you know, somebody breaks their leg or something.

[11:16]

But otherwise, that's where you're going. And, you know, for me, I just noticed right away, like how much I spend my life thinking when I'm doing one thing of doing another, you know, like, you know, I'm doing the laundry, but maybe I should be writing an email or, you know, I'm coming to, or I'm going to go sick but really I should be doing the, I mean, you know, that I have this thing that I do and it's hard to let go of that for me. And when I'm hiking, you know, I'm going from point A to point B and it's, you know, that sort of picking and choosing kind of slows down a lot. You know, also with clothing, I don't have a huge wardrobe or anything, but, you know, in the morning, I think, oh, you know, is it going to be warm or cold? And do I want to wear red or green? And, you know, just, you know, there is a certain amount of that.

[12:17]

I don't just put on anything, but on when I'm camping, I just put on you know, my one pair of pants and one of my two shirts. So, and then food, you know, when you really limit that, and again, we do that in session, you know, you realize, you know, just how much you think about it or I do, you know, should I, does this have cholesterol in it or should it be organic or, you know, so on like that. And should I stop at Market Hall or should I go home and cook? But when we're traveling like this, we don't do that. And, you know, even if you have the thought, oh, I'd like a salad for lunch, you're not going to get one. And at least in my experience, you know, it's kind of remarkably quick that I let go of the idea.

[13:19]

You'd think you'd keep having it, but actually you don't. And you do kind of just settle down. And for me, and maybe I'm different from you, but maybe not, it's just a tangible relief. And also after about 24 hours, I start seeing things differently. And I start hearing things differently because, you know, this sort of radio frequency is a knot between me and what I see. And it's actually somewhat disorienting for me. I sort of feel like, you know, relationally, my relationship to things change in a way, like I'm not in the way. And I'm not thinking about, is that beautiful?

[14:24]

Or is that... you know, do I like it or don't I? I'm just more there. And actually, it happens often to me when I walk out of the Zendo during Sesshin, and I just see the garden in a completely different way. I, you know, it's just this, you know, sort of seeing it, whereas mostly I just walk by it. I'm sorry to say. So this made me think about something that my father said to me when I was about 25. He said, if I had had all the choices you kids have today, I think it would have made me unhappy. And, you know, at the time, I thought that was sort of sad that he said that. You know, my father was kind of a humble guy.

[15:26]

He'd grown up during the Depression and he did go to college. And then right after college, he married my mother because he was going into the Navy. And he was in the Navy during the war, but he wasn't in active duty. He was because he had bad eyesight. So he was He was in the accounting department of the Navy. And then he worked as an accountant in the State Department for a short time. And then he moved with my mother, who was pregnant by that time, back to the Bay Area. And he went to work for his brother, who had started an accounting firm. And for 45 years, he worked for web and web accountants. And, you know, I don't think he really liked it. I, you know, I know he didn't love it. He didn't have a passion for it.

[16:31]

But he did it and he did it for a long time and he was not an unhappy guy, actually. And I really didn't appreciate it at the time. I really thought, oh, you know, he couldn't follow his passion. He didn't find a work that he loved. And it wasn't until, you know, some years later that I kind of looked back at my 20s and 30s and thought, oh my God, you know, it's like, I was always wondering, you know, did I love what I was doing enough? And did I really want to be doing it? And did I want to have to live in New York to be a dancer? You know, when I didn't really like New York, I, you know, maybe I wanted to live in the country. And, you know, it was kind of, you know, you know, kind of a constant swirl of, you know, Was I doing what I wanted and what was I going to do when I grew up, sort of? And I saw my children go through that. They were always told to follow their passions and love what they were doing.

[17:34]

It was kind of a burden, I think. Not totally. I mean, it's not totally wrong, but it can be difficult and painful, I think, and, you know, confusing, really confusing. So I will go on and read a quote from Dogen. And, you know, just to kind of follow this thread. So this was written, you know, as part of Dogen's instructions for meditation, Fugen. And this was written, oh, I think six or seven centuries later. And so, and I've kind of butchered it. So I've just used the part that I wanted to use. The way is originally perfect and all pervading. It is never apart from this very place. And yet, if there is a hair's breadth of deviation, it is like the gap between heaven and earth.

[18:43]

If the least like or dislike arises, the mind is lost in confusion. So I've been thinking about how we practice with this in our lives. I was talking to Carol Paul a little bit about this and she said, oh, Darlene Cohen said, you can't help but have preferences, but you have to be aware of them. And I do think that's true. You know, that's really good teaching. I also think of it as sort of, For me, it's sort of like letting go of them a little bit. And it reminds me of Uchiyama Roshi's saying of opening the hand of thought, sort of not gripping so hard or kind of releasing or relaxing a little bit, you know, to kind of accept

[19:50]

both what is happening and also what your preferences are. And preferences very often for me do show up as thoughts. So letting go of the thought, you know, is fairly potent for me. And it brings me back often to my body and my breath, and there's often feeling there and it's sometimes feeling that I don't like either. And, you know, I think of it. as being uncomfortable or difficult often to come back and really settle in my body when, you know, I'm going through something that's difficult or uncomfortable for me. You know, Suzuki Roshi talks about things being as they is, things being as they are. And, you know, I feel like they're not

[20:52]

necessarily the way we want them to be. And if you're allowing things or accepting things as they are, you're accepting things that, you know, are not the way that that you want them, necessarily. And You know, we do well, I sort of was thinking about this on Monday and just sort of watching myself. And, you know, I got up and I was setting out on my day and I was feeling pretty good. And I had a I was going to my studio and I was going to do some work there and then maybe do some yoga. And I got in my car and the light came on and said my tires were not didn't have the right amount of air in them. So, you know, I have a good mechanic. He wasn't far away and I drove there. Luckily, I didn't ruin my rim. I could have, but I didn't because by the time I got there, my tire was pretty flat.

[21:54]

And he looked at it and he said, well, you know, I can't patch it. It's got a nail in the sidewall. And, you know, I've been thinking a lot about this. So, you know, I sort of relaxed with it a little bit or let it go or something. But the feeling in my body was of disappointment and sort of irritation. And, you know, and, you know, and then I was judging myself for having, you know, I was just like, you know, to just allow things to be there the way they were was, you know, not entirely easy for me. And then, you know, later, and then I walked home and it was a lovely day and, you know, people were happy with the change in the weather and I was too. And then, you know, I was at home and working there and then I had to call my insurance company and, you know, pick this option and then seven more options and then seven more options and finally, you know, be on hold for a long time.

[22:58]

And again, you know, I just sort of like, You know, I tried to let go of, you know, my judgment about that and my irritation. But, you know, when I came back to my body, you know, it was twitchy and, you know, you're full of some irritation and annoyance and, and uncomfortable for me. So, This made me circle back to the koan that I worked with during the time I was Shuso. And I think most of you know this koan. Master Ma is unwell, and he is really close to death, you know, very unwell. His attendant comes and says to him, how are you feeling, master?

[24:12]

And he says, sun-faced Buddha, moon-faced Buddha. And, you know, I've thought about this and read about this a lot. But, you know, for me, it really is that you can pick and choose some things. And we all do try to keep the really bad things from happening. But, you know, we look both ways when we cross the street and we buy insurance and we, you know, kind of save money for when we get old and so on. But really, things happen and we don't get to choose all of them. And some of them are very difficult and we don't like them.

[25:13]

Um, and, uh, you know, I was, um, last week I, I went up to Seattle because my daughter was having a medical test and, um, it wasn't something I was terribly worried about. And, you know, just to end the story, she was fine, but it was kind of a big test for her. And, you know, it did kind of raise the possibility that something could be very wrong. And like I say, it wasn't, but it did raise that possibility. So I, you know, we prepared for the test and then early in the morning, I drove her to the hospital. And, you know, we talked with the doctor and then, you know, they shooed me out and sedated her and so on and did the procedure. While I was waiting in the waiting room, you know, I was kind of confronting the possibility that something could really be wrong.

[26:18]

And, you know, probably many of you have had this experience of waiting. But there were a lot of people in the waiting room with me. And, you know, I at least imagined that they were all waiting for somebody that they love to have this test and not knowing how it would come out. And they were all looking at their phones. And, you know, my response was, I totally get it. You know, I just so get it, you know, that if you could get away from these feelings of anxiety and worry and, you know, concern, you know, why not? And, you know, I noticed myself kind of wanting to read about hurricanes or something, you know, somebody else's problems. But, you know, I didn't.

[27:22]

And so I sat and, you know, I sat with things that were hard for me to sit with, you know, they were not pleasant at all. And, you know, so, you know, kind of I was wondering, like, why was I doing this? You know, why didn't I pick up my phone and read about something else? And I guess it's because I did want to be, you know, present for things as they is, or kind of the whole enchilada. And like I say, some of that, you know, it's just unavoidably difficult, you know, grief and failure. Jealousy and anger, boredom, anxiety, depression, sickness, and death, of course. I am going to read... Well, I'll just say, you know, that then I...

[28:37]

I went in after the test and, you know, my daughter was, you know, kind of coming out of being groggy and the doctor was talking to us and, you know, said things look good. And then, you know, I drove her home. You know, I didn't want to be there for all of that. I wanted to be there for driving her to the hospital and sitting in the waiting room and going in to see her when she was waking up. I wanted to be there for that, all of that. And it wasn't easy for me. So I'll just read something that kind of moved me. This is also from Suzuki Roshi. I was sick in bed for a long time, and I was thinking about these things. I was just practicing Zazen in bed. Sometimes it was difficult, but then I laughed at myself.

[29:42]

Why is it so difficult? Why don't you enjoy your difficulties? This is, I think, our practice. Um, so I'm gonna just go on a little bit with the day, uh, that I was in Seattle and I wasn't there very long. So this was just in one day. So then I took my daughter home and tucked her into bed and she slept like a log for five hours. And then she got up and she said, let's go try on wedding dresses. Cause she's planning to get married. Um, and so we. got in the car and we went and, you know, to this place where they like serve you tea and, you know, they put on all these sort of weird and wonderful dresses on my daughter. You know, by that time, it was like almost more than I could take in.

[30:47]

You know, I was, it was so intense, you know, to go through a day like that for me. But it was also very rich for me. So here's another take on this. This is from Ajahn Chah. And this is a little bit more upbeat, maybe. In a mind still like a clear forest pool, all kinds of wonderful rare animals will come to drink at the pool, and you will clearly see the nature of all things. You will see many strange and wonderful things come and go, but you will be still. So how's my time, Ross? Yeah. I do that a lot too. In a mind still like a clear forest pool, all kinds of wonderful rare animals will come to drink at the pool. And you will clearly see the nature of things.

[31:51]

You will see many strange and wonderful things come and go, but you will be still. Okay, so I'm going to kind of move on to one other. line in this poem. I could read you the whole thing and probably talk about every line, but I'm just going to read one more. And that's because, you know, I feel very much like kind of caught up in this partisan world that we live in. You know, I've been really thinking a lot about that and watching myself in that kind of world, that fray. So this is from much later on in the poem, and it goes, Do not search for the truth, only cease to cherish opinions.

[32:55]

And I think I've told you before that I grew up in a family that really had a lot of opinions and really valued them, actually. They were, you know, considered a good thing. You know, my mother was a professor, even though, you know, well, it took her a while, but she did become a professor. And, you know, she studied literature and had a lot of opinions about it. And they were both my parents were very political and, you know, held strong political views. And so I think I've said this before, but when I was about 12 years old, I I didn't really have any opinions, and I noticed that I didn't have them, and I felt lacking in having them. And I remember clearly thinking to myself that I need some opinions.

[33:58]

And I sort of tried to figure out where you get them. you know, tried to acquire them, you know, because I felt like it was a real lack that I didn't have them. And and then when I did kind of acquire them, however, I got acquired them from listening to people. I remember also maybe when I was a few years older being at Thanksgiving with my uncles and cousins and so on and, you know, sort of holding forth about something. I can't remember what it was. And you know, kind of maybe something about feminism or something. And, you know, my extended family was much more conservative than my own family. And, you know, I remember sort of arguing with one of my uncles and, you know, being sort of obnoxious, I'm sure. But actually, I remember my mother saying afterwards, boy, Ellen, you really held your own, you know, in that conversation and just like really praising me for it.

[35:09]

And then, you know, I went on to be in the dance world and the art world where, you know, everybody had opinions and your opinions were sort of who you were, you know, either you you know, liked ballet, or you liked modern dance, or you liked Merce Cunningham, or you didn't. And it became like your identity, really. And, you know, I think probably all of our preferences are part of our identity, really, but it was very clear in that world. And when I, you know, started practicing with that, when I went to dance performances, I was so used to being judgmental. I mean, it was just critical, you know, and I actually wrote some criticism and was really involved in picking and choosing people to be parts of things that I was doing. So when I started going to performances and not doing that so much, or at least watching myself doing it, you know, I started to feel like I wasn't anybody, you know, that I was no one.

[36:18]

And again, you know, I could see things in a different way. I could really be present for them. So opinions really are about taking a position, you know, kind of for, against everything or anything. And, you know, it's an interesting practice to let go of a little of that. And of course I think about it in our, current political moment, you know, and you know how passionately I feel about things and you know how that's not always useful or skillful really. I spend a lot of time in a community that

[37:20]

is very pro-Trump and very religious, Christian and, you know, evangelical and Pentecostal. And really more than half the people I think who live there belong to this kind of point of view, this, you know, opinion. And I'm close to some of them. I'm quite close to some of them. But I'm... You know, I sort of softer with my opinions and, and I do talk to them about what I care about, but it's. you know, it's effective to be less strident. And I think it's, you know, they can hear me better. That's all. So, you know, to take the possibility of kind of letting go of views and opinions just for a short time is

[38:28]

Again, it's disorienting. It's like letting go of some part of yourself or yourself. And I find it a sort of an exhilarating practice when I do it. So I'm going to stop there and invite your comments and thoughts and questions. And I will start with you, Sojin. And he used to talk once about his teacher and about opinions. And his teacher would say, my opinion. He wouldn't say, this is the truth. He would say, my opinion. And he would say, oh, yes. And then he would make all these opinions. And we take our opinions to be truth.

[39:35]

And that's a problem. So, in Suzuki Ueshiba I was talking about that. And also, Right. The whole thing. Do you have a word? We have to make choices, which means that the preferences are going to come up inevitably.

[40:57]

I feel like Seng San is talking about a particular Dharma moment, and then how to expand that principle more broadly in your life, so you're free in the realm of preference. As the poem goes on, you see, well, you can make this reference, but it may very well not turn out the way you thought it would. And that's part of the condition of this, the learning condition of our lives. So, it's wonderful. I really like the way you described, it was interesting, it was quite visual, you said, well, this is a line in the sand. way for us.

[42:01]

All right thank you. uh-huh right that's good right right

[43:18]

on Sunday morning to set the fires, to get the fires going in a coal house, and polishing Some truisms or statements that I think are built into our culture are in my mind, and I would like to get your reaction to them. One is, if you don't stand for something, you'll stand for anything. And the other one is not so different. If you don't make a plan, someone will make a plan for you. So given that the softness, and I think Sojin and Logan actually kind of addressed it, but what's your response? Just what's your response?

[45:04]

Yes. You know, I mean, there is that feeling that you won't stand for anything. You know, and, you know, that's an interesting little thing to experience and then, of course, you're going to have an opinion. So if you don't have a plan and someone makes it for you, is that a good thing? Depends who it is. Yes. So I agree. to make choices.

[46:23]

It's just that it's trying to get away from the hating being, having been met with this. Hating the possibility that one might be cancelled. Hating, you know, fighting the situation as being awful, or a person being terrible, or you have to. I think that's what it is. So when you are meditating, Since nothing is actually happening except in your mind, it helps you to see the craziness where all the craziness is. So it gives you more peace. And that led to the same sense in a limited number of things you can do. It's actually very liberating. And he said, a woman came to me and said, actually, it was interesting, this is a very ill child, possibly.

[47:33]

And he said, I'm so worried, my child could do something terrible like that. It wasn't that she would die. And so the night on, he said, well, why are you worried? I said, because my daughter, she said, look, if your daughter, nothing wrong with your daughter, Yeah, totally possible. Definitely doesn't have to be.

[48:52]

I totally agree. Thank you. Yes. Right. It's the way of putting aside our personal preferences are going to be a different thing than making choices.

[50:20]

And I think we both understand the things that lead to that and that we have to be responsible. Part members of our community and our sangha and the world that we live in do need to make choices, but the more we can be free from that personal preference, Yeah, I completely agree with that and I was almost sure somebody would bring that up. Mary? Hi. Thank you for your talk. The edge of this practice for me at the moment is distinguishing the difference between having an emotional response to what's happening versus being attached to what I want to have.

[51:20]

Right. Judgment, yeah. But don't you think that sort of falls into things as they are? You know, I mean, that's sort of how I felt about it. You know, it's like when I feel this way, I just do. Exactly, right. Right. Right. Right. Yeah. Yeah, that's the edge, yeah. I think so too. Yes. When I was a child, I was growing up on the East Coast, and there were a lot of insects, and there were a lot of mosquitoes.

[53:12]

And we had a preference to not sleep on summer nights with mosquitoes buzzing around. So we had screens, and we tried not to door open, but inevitably, mosquitoes would get inside. And then we'd kill them if we could. We'd just pull the sheets over our head and just try not I was just thinking about That's a good point. That's a really good point.

[54:14]

Thank you. Oops. No more questions? Thank you.

[54:43]

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