Good morning. As you just heard, I'm Dean Bradley. I'm taping this because I want Mary Drury to be able to hear what I say. Bruce asked me on Saturday, he said that he had a cancellation for this morning and I don't know if he asked me if I wanted to or if I was interested in talking and I thought, I've been so reactive in the last couple of months. Well, probably the last 60 years, but trying to focus it down the last couple of months. And I thought, well, this will be good. You know, just lay myself out in front of a bunch of people. That would be a nice reality hit for me. So that's what I'm doing. A lot of y'all know that my mom is living with me. She came out here last spring for a two-week visit, and my sister let me know the day after she got here that she had decided my mom was going to stay with me for six months, and that she wasn't going to help me figure out how to care for her because no one helped her figure it out, so I could figure it out on my own.

[01:18]

My mom's a really nice person. She's agreeable most of the time. She eats anything I cook or don't cook. She doesn't like raw beans so much. I'll go and pick some beans and say, hey, have some. But she's actually, she's easygoing and I feel very fortunate in that. And a really nice thing out of it has come that well for me and maybe it's the fact that everyone there's things about our moms that just bug us and my mom loves being around people and all my friends really like her and they like her company and they enjoy talking with her and she loves being around people so it's been nice I've gotten a different view of her by being around all these my peers who enjoy her and aren't bugged by the same thing so it sort of helped to focus that I need to get over some stuff and I've done pretty well with it and the other thing that's been surprising is

[02:28]

how patient I am with her. I'm good with kids and I'm good with animals, but it kind of stops there. And I've been shockingly patient with her. It's startling, even after all this time. So, to sort of cut to the chase, my, well, this just says it all, my siblings are all Trump supporters. For me, that says a lot. It might not to everybody else. So my siblings have had control of my mom. She's been living with my sister for a couple of years. And so my sister was sending, you know, 600 bucks every month or two. And my mom decided she wanted her money. So I contacted them and said, you know, I've got to take her to doctors, this and that. And it turned into a problem because they want me to take care of her, but they didn't want me to have access to any of the funds that she might need.

[03:36]

So we sort of went back and forth with that for a while. They eventually said, Can we go into mediation? Well, I was really excited because I had this idea that mediation meant, oh, we're going to get along. We're going to work this out. And I finally figured out why people say, oh, I'm sorry that you tell them you're a mediation. So it's been very ugly, from my perspective, because they're in Louisiana, Alabama, and Kentucky, and I am in queer California. It's been done through email. A mediator contacts us through email. He'll call us. We'll have a conversation as needed. And the very first thing that started out that he wanted each side to write what they saw as the problem. So I wrote my list, and they wrote their list. And when he responded, he wrote and said, OK, I've compiled this list. And first of all, Dean.

[04:42]

I want you to understand we're not ganging up on you." Which, I mean, is that a red flag or white? And then he wrote, you might want to sit down with a drink while you're reading this. I started reading it and I thought, a drink, 12 drinks, you know. And what I did is I started calling, trying to find any of my friends. I couldn't get in touch with anyone. So what I did is I got in my car and went and bought two beers. I bought the big beers, not the little beers. I got two really big beers. Showed up at someone's house. I had texted him. but I pretty much showed up unexpectedly with my beer and continued to read and drink and cry. The drinking stopped, but the sobbing went on for probably 24 hours, during which I did not get a lot of sleep.

[05:47]

I was dumbfounded at just how horribly they thought of me. I knew that there was a difference, but I never, ever really thought that there would be enough of a divide that... Well, no, I thought about it, but I didn't ever believe that there would be enough of a divide that when my mom's gone, there will not be that family. And I believe that's going to be the case. Someone had suggested that I talk to Mary Drurie, because she worked as a mediator, and I went, yeah, you know, I'll do this. And finally I did talk to Mary, and what was so great about it is she read the letter and she said, well, he's kind of on your side, Dean. He's being, and she went through these things that I didn't see any of it. almost everything she told me, I had a different understanding of it.

[06:49]

So that was really helpful. And then we talked about what could I say. She said, well, give me a couple minutes. I mean, she came up with something and I thought, oh my gosh, if I wasn't so afraid and feeling so worthless, that's what I would have written and that's a lot of what Mary's given me is she's I've got to see how someone who isn't down the rabbit hole might respond. So these letters have gone back and forth and they don't really want me this and I don't really want them that, so a pivotal moment came. Well, one of the things that happened is I would write something to the mediator and I'd have Mary read it and she'd say, oh, this is good, but what do you think about? So we did a lot of that and then at one point I sent an email and Mary wasn't available and his response came back and boy,

[07:58]

He told me I was responding in bad faith, and he could tell that I didn't have my advisors help me with this letter. He just shredded me. And I thought, well, you know, he's right. I didn't. And so I went back to Mary. And Mary said, well, first of all, Dean, you're coming from a one down position. and you're coming from a place of fear, and those are your, that's what you do, Dean, that's your go-to place. Mary's known me long enough to know that. And I think because Mary was in the middle of being our shuso, she was, this is my interpretation, in such a pure place, sitting every morning, sitting every evening, studying, working with Sojourn, which by the way, it's good to see you, I'm glad to have you back. And so it was just helpful. I just had this belief in her that I wasn't, I wasn't gonna fall through the hole in the net.

[09:09]

And so we kind of got, she encouraged me to write a letter and she said, well, you could maybe this and this. I was like, okay, fine. So I did that and so I wrote and then the mediator, his name is Bernie, He went back to saying dear Dean at the beginning of the letter and saying Bernie instead of Bernard because when I made him mad, he was Bernard and I was Dean. So then what happened is he, what would happen is he'd say he needed a response and I'd get a timeline. You know, you have three days, five o'clock on Sunday. So a pivotal point for me was when he gave me a deadline and I thought about it and I wrote something and rewrote it and rewrote it way more times than anybody should spend doing that and had something ready. I wasn't able to get in touch with Mary, so I thought, OK, I'll just do this. A friend had gifted me with a ticket to Hamilton.

[10:13]

I'm not going to ruin the story for anyone. It's history. it's out there for everybody. So I go, I hadn't sent the letter, so I go to Hamilton, it's from the map name, it's from two o'clock to five o'clock, my deadline's five o'clock. While I'm watching Hamilton, really enjoying it, and we're in the second half, there's maybe three or so scenes left, all of a sudden I thought, oh crap, I didn't send my email, and it's due at five o'clock. And this play didn't get over five. So I'm fretting this last part, but I didn't want to leave the play. So the very end of the play, which is history, in the play, Burr has challenged Hamilton to a duel. So they go to New Jersey to have their duels, because that's what New Jersey lets you do. So, Burr is talking about this, oh my gosh, what have I gotten into, why did I plan to have this duel, what should I do, how can I get out of it, I can hold my gun up in the air and just shoot it, or I can have my second go and talk to his second, and we can stop it.

[11:22]

a fairly egotistical arrogant fellow with probably some low self-esteem things going on. So he's going through all these things and it was a very fearful place, my perception, my interpretation of it. So then Hamilton shows up and he has his glasses on and Burr says, oh my gosh, he's got his glasses on. That means he wants to see me really well so he can shoot me and kill me. He's gonna take me away from my kids and he's gonna kill me. He's got his glasses on, that's what he wants to do. So Burr pulls his gun out, boom, shoots him, Hamilton dies. Soon as that was over, curtain call, I jumped up and took off. But I'm thinking about this man who was so afraid and he's got himself into this situation and the foundation is fear. I go out into the lobby, open my phone, and I had my letter, and I saw that Mary had responded to me.

[12:25]

It was six minutes till five. I saw she'd responded to me, and I started reading it. She said, well, that's pretty good, Dean, but what do you think about? And I started reading her letter, and my immediate reaction was, oh no, that sounds way too smart for me. I would not write that. And then my second reaction my hackles went up and I thought she's sucking up to him and I'm not going to do that. So I'm standing outside now at the Orpheum theater with you know everybody walking by people going to the bathroom on the buildings and all this stuff and I'm standing out there and I am pacing and I'm getting distressed because I'm thinking what am I going to do what am I going to do I don't want to do this." And I felt my ego so big. And I felt Aaron Burr so big. And look what this man had done with his fear.

[13:25]

He had killed someone. He had changed the path of history. And we have a different one now, but I thought about what he had done and what he was living with and would live with because of his ego. So I'm reading this, I'm standing out there on the street crying and not wanting to send it, but knowing that my entire reaction was my ego. So I got it. copied it, pasted it, and probably at one minute till five, I hit send. And I was broken. The good broken. The good broken. And I had, through this whole process, I'd been thinking, okay, the next letter, I'll be able to do.

[14:28]

And the next email I have to send, I'll be able to do it. And it'll be just what needs to be said. And I'd actually thought the one where I had bad faith was a good, clean letter. And I just kept seeing these two people who had made decisions because of fear or it responded out of fear. So I was the good broken the rest of the day. I just felt depleted and there was something about doing that. and understanding that, and Mary had said she was really great with saying, well, you know, you're coming from a one down place, and to step away from the one down place, and to step away from, well, this isn't fair, was an incredible struggle, and to finally do it was,

[15:51]

and incredible relief. So, I sent it off and he said, and one of the things that she had said in there is that, she said, well, you know, you're coming from, you're doing your thing, you're going to your place, you're rabbit holding, and he's using an ax to get his point across instead of a pea shooter. And he's kind of interpreting what you're saying not exactly very well. So it was great that there's this person who could so, in my opinion, could so clearly see both sides. And the other thing that was great is it was, I was using practice. I mean, that's what we all do anyway, but it was so clear to me that this was my practice, Everything I did was my practice. So he responded, he said he'd deal with the siblings.

[16:58]

And so for two weeks, I didn't hear from them. So I thought, okay, they're giving them as bad a time as I did. We're gonna spread this out evenly. And I got an email, I kept thinking, okay, I'm gonna be hearing from them soon. And I got an email on Saturday morning and of course my heart is racing and I'm getting a little bit jacked up, but I didn't go off the rails. It didn't traumatize me. I didn't fall into a puddle. I didn't stop what I was doing, but I noticed, okay, it's, you know, your heart's racing, you're nervous, and I read the letter and My perception of it was mostly it was okay. There were a couple things he said, but my way of my emotions getting the best of me was not nearly as strong as it had been, which felt really good.

[18:02]

I came here, listened to the talk, and only lost off and on a bit in the first 15 minutes because I was being someplace else. I was able to remind myself, come back, you're here. And you know, it's kind of like talking about the transformation of the base and the seeds, and these seeds, these unhelpful seeds, it's kind of like zucchini in your garden. You go out and the zucchini's this big, and you go and do something else, do some weeding, throw some and you look back and the zucchini is as big as your arm, and that is what's happening to these seeds from me growing up being told, you're not smart enough to be an engineer, you're not smart enough to do that, you're sensitive, you're emotional, and just all of those seeds are

[19:06]

there and all of the helpful seeds, I forgot what you called them, the helpful and the not helpful, there were some. Wholesome. Yeah, wholesome and not wholesome. So the wholesome ones are, you know when you pick up a zucchini that's laying on the ground, it's growing, you pick it up and all the roly polies come out and you see all the little tiny white little plants that are trying to grow weeds or whatever. So those are my wholesome ones. They're under the big zucchini. And they're there, they're trying, they have little tiny sprouts. So it's been, I don't know, it's been something. And I am so grateful that I have great friends, great people here who have been so supportive and so encouraging. And I had this person who could show me This is what I would be doing if I wasn't so afraid. This is what I would be doing if I had sort of equanimity through it all.

[20:16]

So I've had something to look at and sort of follow, clearly not do, but I could, maybe, and maybe will. Anyway, So, you know, life goes on and I'm just so incredibly grateful that I come here. I'm so grateful that I come here and I'm so grateful that everything that's here is here. I want to be an honorable person through this and this practice is what is giving me the foundation to be able to strive for that. So I'm going to open it up for questions. Thank you. I know y'all are clamoring to know something about

[21:21]

how Hamilton was, it was really great. And I'm very lucky that someone wanted to take me, and that last scene was, was, it was, it just, it just melted together with where I was, so. Ross. kind of fell together, I could imagine you not wanting to sort of check off, how do I want to learn about myself and my suffering? You have to go through all this. But looking back on it, you've really learned a lot about yourself, which is what our practice is about. So what do you think you will do, what's your intention going forward as this stuff with your family resolves and you continue on practicing? What would you like to see happen and what would you like to see not happen?

[22:24]

I'm pretty good with not, with simply not being reactive when I get an email. That's, that's, that not being so reactive and being aware that I can't do it on my own. I really do need a lot of help to not go there. And I see whatever it is I'm feeling now, which is some degree of peace. I see, I just see that, I see I'm having a good morning. And I think that's the clincher for me is, oh, I'm having a good moment and being really thrilled about that. Because it brings me to all the other things that I want to be that gets taken away, that I give up.

[23:37]

Thank you. Boss. I always appreciate your revelations. Me too. I don't know what it is, but you always make me feel good when you're complaining and blaspheming. I really appreciate all that. So, do it in my favor. Thank you. Well, that's good to hear. You know, I can have some bad faith sometimes. Oh no. Oh, it's still not resolved. That poor guy, he's probably hating that he got into this. It's going on so much longer than he expected, and it's so much harder than he expected. Yeah, so it's not resolved. You know, I'm dealing with my mom's retirement stuff, and it is so complicated sometimes.

[24:44]

Like, my brother was a power attorney, I wanted to make a change and I had to become like some sort of surrogate power fraternity. Yeah, yeah. I actually did get her power of attorney last fall. She fell and broke her arm the last day of Thanksgiving, and then she got pneumonia in December, and she's kind of gone downhill since then. But before that, I got her power of attorney, but I just... A friend of mine is an attorney. She said, you know, Dean, you got the power of attorney. Just do what you want. Take it. Let them know you're not gonna be frivolous with it, but just... just take it and I just cannot bring myself to that sort of strong arm way of doing it. I mean, my siblings are very much might is right. You know, very much the Trump way to do things. You know, you got the power, you use it.

[25:47]

And I haven't done that. And I guess I could, it just feels... kind of mean and aggressive. And I just don't want to do that. So we'll see how it goes. But yeah, it is. It's a challenge. I'm very, very lucky. She's a nice, easygoing person. Very fortunate. Yes? Dad? Hi, Kim. I want to say in front of the Sabbath, how over the many years that we've been practicing heaven, how much your kindness and gentleness and caring has been given to me like a gift.

[26:52]

And I remember times when it's been really hard for me to do this practice. Most recent time was, I think, a couple of years ago when he came out and I had just fallen from the top of the steps into the handbark. He picked me up and just I'm telling you that it was a gift from the universe. So thank you. Thank you. Leslie. Thank you very much. And I was thinking about on Saturday, you and I were talking, and you were talking about, I think you said how long you felt?

[27:56]

And I was thinking how that word, for me, can cause a lot of pain. It's like all the sense perception. But I was thinking today how it's also this heightened sense of awareness. And that seems to be something that's happening. And you were, on Saturday especially, and today, talking about all these very difficult things, but in a way that was very Feel it like you said broken, but the good and I just wonder what you think about this It's a way of you know some of us are very Sensitive and just feel things more just how that if you have any different feelings about that kind of awareness and this not just the world I Like it I mean, I, when I was standing on the street in San Francisco crying, I, there was something about it that, I liked it because I felt a relief.

[29:15]

You know, I unclenched my hand and I liked it. There is that heightened sense of awareness, and I think with me, when I do have that heightened sense of awareness, I'm aware that I'm absolutely not special. I am absolutely on the same playing field as everyone, and that is a tremendous relief. weight lifted from me to just get it that, you know, Dean, yeah, everything matters but almost nothing's important and none of the importance is around you right now and it was very relieving for me to have that.

[30:17]

I like it. It feels, I feel strong. I don't feel like I'm the one down or I don't feel like I'm under the fear. So it feels like strength to me. Thank you. Lori. That was a really inspiring story. Thank you for sharing this morning. I think we really are buoyed up by each other's, you know, It sounds like you've been able to keep your mom kind of out of the drama here, or did you just not talk about that? She's aware of these letters and what's in these letters and all that? Well, she's really kind of fortunate because she doesn't work. She's got to deal with that CRS, can't remember. So for a while I complained a lot about my siblings and I couldn't refrain. And a couple times I left the house because I couldn't shut up. So I haven't done very well with that.

[31:17]

I've done much better with it lately. No, I have not done very well with that. I mean, I've got like a bunch of zucchinis that are growing in me, the unwholesome ones. So they're gonna switch and they'll be eaten as if they're wholesome. But no, I haven't done, I haven't. That hasn't been a place where I've felt honorable. She's been privy to parts of it, but she forgets. She forgets, boy, I tell ya. That's actually been a blessing, that she forgets. Do we have time for one more? Thank you, Dean. It's just so, what Laurie said, it's inspiring to hear the story and your clarity. But I just, from both sides, your side, one's own side, and externally, just to feel oneself turn is really, it's an interesting phenomenon, isn't it?

[32:26]

It's like, oh, I have that capability And you still feel, it's like you haven't lost any of yourself. And also, as I talked about elsewhere, it's like our difficulties are still with us. They just, you know, they move to another level, and yet something has really turned. Yeah, that's a good way to put it. There was a turn, something turned. It's very inspiring. we can change, which we don't always believe. Right, right. And yet some things are also consistent that we have to keep working with. Right, right. Yeah, turn. It's really wonderful instruction for us. Well, thank you. It's everybody's wonderful instruction for me. And thank you for using the word composed in a sentence about me. I like that.

[33:27]

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